Do you know anyone with one kid who wanted just one kid?

[Anonymous]

I agree that "shoulds" for second kids are so strong that many parents want to stop at one and don't.

[Anonymous]

We have one on purpose. I was 34 when she was born. I was on the fence about a second mostly for monetary reasons, and DH was absolutely not interested - said we got it right the first time, so why mess with perfection? . We each have one sibling, and he is not close with his at all. So, one and done for us. And I can't imagine it any other way. We are well-suited for one.

[Anonymous]

You must not know many people, OP.

I'm an only child with an only child.

You get the full on parenting experience with a fraction of the hassle.

[Anonymous]

My husband. And a friend of mine, whose husband wanted a second but she definitely didn’t. I often feel sad we didn’t have second, and mine is in upper elementary. But I remind myself I’m lucky to have one great kid.

[Anonymous]

I know a few people. I don't think it's strange. I have two and I definitely see the advantages of both ways.

[Anonymous]

I loved reading this positive thread. Surprised that there are a few of us. We are older parents, focused on career etc. I have only known three families with onlies and all 15-25+ miles away.

How do you meet other parents like you since I have seen it’s not easy to hang out with parents of multiple kids for many reasons. They don’t want to hang out as much or since the kids have siblings are not into play dates or trips together due to finances etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, at this point in time, I lump people who go around saying "Oh - but you HAVE to have two! You HAVE to give your child a sibling!" in with people who vocally object to stuff like interracial marriages or say "Those immigrants HAVE to learn English if they want to come here!"

It's a statement and sentiment that is crass, out of bounds, archaic, and not cool.

I am a one and done by choice. When I was younger (I'm mid-40s and lucky people don't say that to me anymore), people said this to me all the time. I ended those friendships. Now that I take my child to Europe 3-4 times a year while they struggle to make their annual Florida vacation, I follow up with "Oh - but you HAVE to take your family to EUROPE."

Yes!!!

LOL that's awesome. We have one kid and, at 2.5 years old, she's already been to Europe twice. We'll do a Disney vacation next year and since we don't have to pay for 2 kids' tickets/food/etc. we can stay at a nicer Disney hotel. The next person who snarks at me about how we HAVE to give her a sibling will get a comeback like "oh but you HAVE to have your kid experience all the European capitols and the highest category Disney hotel. You mean you crammed your family in All-Star Music again? Shame."

There is someone in Travel who is preparing to drive their 3 kids round trip to FL because flights are too expensive for a family of 5. God bless ‘em and I wish them godspeed, I’m one of 3 myself and our parents also did driving vacations to FL, SC, etc.—but I would only go to FL flying (although we went to FL last yr, we’re doing Europe this summer with our only).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that "shoulds" for second kids are so strong that many parents want to stop at one and don't.

Seriously? Who gives a flying fuc% with other people think? I cannot imagine that anyone decides the size of their family based on what others think they should do. I would never respect someone like that. I have two because we both wanted two. I don't have a single friend who has more or less kids than they wanted, other than for reasons due to infertility, death of a child, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know with one kid had secondary fertility issues. A lot of people I know with two kids of course don’t regret the second but are getting their ass kicked and have admitted to feeling like they “should” have more then one as opposed to “want”. When I think about a family with one kid there are so many perks, I wonder why more people don’t make this choice. Do you know many families with an only on purpose? What’s their dynamic like? why do you think more people don’t make this choice?

Yes! No fertility issues, in their early 30s. They were so sure they only wanted one that the husband got a vasectomy within a few months of having their child. The child is now a toddler. They live in a tiny house in the city and travel a lot. They wanted to be parents but also keep their lifestyle as close to their pre-parent one as possible, and it wouldn't be easy with two kids. I say good for them.

I have two kids fairly close together in age, planned that way. I have an adored sibling and wanted my child to have a chance at the same experience (obviously I know there are no guarantees). My mom, husband and best friend are all only children who hated it and desperately wished for a sibling. I most definitely do NOT want a third though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know with one kid had secondary fertility issues. A lot of people I know with two kids of course don’t regret the second but are getting their ass kicked and have admitted to feeling like they “should” have more then one as opposed to “want”. When I think about a family with one kid there are so many perks, I wonder why more people don’t make this choice. Do you know many families with an only on purpose? What’s their dynamic like? why do you think more people don’t make this choice?

Yes, we know several, and they are doing well.

You are overthinking things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I went into parenting assuming we would have only one child. I always envisioned us as a family of three and found the idea of mother, father, and one child very sweet and special. I still feel this way! When our DS was 2 I got pregnant very unexpectedly (had an IUD) and that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Instead of relief I felt longing. This could have been hormones or a temporary feeling, but I got pregnant again within a few months and now we have DD. Our family is absolutely complete (vasectomy for DH). Of my friends who had their first babies at the same time as I did, my closest friend also assumed they would have an only and ended up with another. Another friend and her DH were absolutely one and done. They are surprisingly both from big, close, families but are super passionate about their careers, have very busy social lives, and just didn't feel like a big family would fit for them. They continue to be very happy with their one daughter, and they're a very fun, outgoing, busy family.

This seems to be key for making a one-child family work. From what I've read (I have a sister, so without personal experience as an only, I read up on what only children think of their childhoods) only children seem to be happier when their parents make sure to cultivate social networks and not just cart them to adult events, as though they're a little adult. That seems to help them not feel isolated.

Then some only children feel pressure being the only person to take care of their aging parents, but on that count I will say that, watching both my parents deal with very old mothers (their fathers passed away a long time ago) and ridiculously annoying/disruptive siblings, I think whether siblings help during that process is totally a toss-up.

Eh, we're a pretty lazy, introverted family, and having an only still worked best for us. We're frankly both a bit low-energy, so adding another child to the mix (more stress, more chaos) would not really have improved the family at all. I have limited bandwith.

[Anonymous]

I think a LOT more families will stop at one in the next generation. It used to be that three was standard, and large families not all that unusual, but now people seem to think even just two is a huge slog, whereas two would have been a tiny family in the past. The natural progression will be that two is too hard, and stopping at one is fine. Affordability will also play in, as it will become literally impossible to go to college and buy a house and save for retirement/college and have more than one child,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a LOT more families will stop at one in the next generation. It used to be that three was standard, and large families not all that unusual, but now people seem to think even just two is a huge slog, whereas two would have been a tiny family in the past. The natural progression will be that two is too hard, and stopping at one is fine. Affordability will also play in, as it will become literally impossible to go to college and buy a house and save for retirement/college and have more than one child,

I agree with this. I think there are 3 main factors driving families to become smaller:

1. Increasing expenses associated with raising a child and retiring.

2. More women wanting to continue their careers as unabated as possible.

3. Less social pressure to have a large family.

The average American family is already down from 3.7 kids in 1960 to 1.9 kids now. Of course, this is all an issue for population growth, given that the replacement rate is 2.1 kids, but the best thing you can do to combat climate change is to have fewer kids, so I consider that a positive.

[Anonymous]

Yep, us! We only wanted one child and only had one child. No fertility issues at all.

We knew we wanted to have freedom in our careers and travel a great deal. With just one child, we can give her the best in education and experiences. Plus I love being a threesome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I went into parenting assuming we would have only one child. I always envisioned us as a family of three and found the idea of mother, father, and one child very sweet and special. I still feel this way! When our DS was 2 I got pregnant very unexpectedly (had an IUD) and that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Instead of relief I felt longing. This could have been hormones or a temporary feeling, but I got pregnant again within a few months and now we have DD. Our family is absolutely complete (vasectomy for DH). Of my friends who had their first babies at the same time as I did, my closest friend also assumed they would have an only and ended up with another. Another friend and her DH were absolutely one and done. They are surprisingly both from big, close, families but are super passionate about their careers, have very busy social lives, and just didn't feel like a big family would fit for them. They continue to be very happy with their one daughter, and they're a very fun, outgoing, busy family.

This seems to be key for making a one-child family work. From what I've read (I have a sister, so without personal experience as an only, I read up on what only children think of their childhoods) only children seem to be happier when their parents make sure to cultivate social networks and not just cart them to adult events, as though they're a little adult. That seems to help them not feel isolated.

Then some only children feel pressure being the only person to take care of their aging parents, but on that count I will say that, watching both my parents deal with very old mothers (their fathers passed away a long time ago) and ridiculously annoying/disruptive siblings, I think whether siblings help during that process is totally a toss-up.

I actually like knowing that I’m going to be the only one taking care of my parents. Some siblings get along and equally share in taking care of aging parents. But even in those situations, it’s usually one child who takes on more and that can cause resentment. And there are lots of siblings who don’t get along at all. And trying to navigate that plus deal with aging parents. No thank you! It’s all on me (with DH’s support) and I’m good with that.

+1

I watched my mom deal with my grandmother when she was aging, and her siblings were nearly useless. And I know people whose siblings were worse than useless--not helpful, but critical and interfering. My own sibling will be utterly useless when my parents need help. It's definitely a toss-up as to how helpful it is to have siblings for that, but it likely is in the back of some people's minds and may contribute to the pressure to have more than one.