Do you know anyone with one kid who wanted just one kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know one family with an intentional only. They seem very happy... Multiple vacations a year, lots of social events, involved in their own hobbies. If you have more than one I think it becomes mostly about the kids.

Above is us to a tee. I only wanted one. My DH wanted 2. After our DS was 1 year old, we had the talk. He thought about it and changed his mind, was happy with one. It was the best decision for our family, and I wouldn’t change a thing if we had to do it all again. Also wanted to add besides above, no worries about delaying retirement or sacrificing things to pay for all schooling (private, college, grad, whatever). We could never cover all that with 2.

[Anonymous]

I without a doubt wanted just one, even more so after our DD was born. DH probably would have liked to try for a boy, but it was out of the question for me to even consider considering. He works long hours overnight, travels for work occasionally, and has a hobby that keeps him busy. I’m fine with all of this, but I wasn’t going to be fine with being outnumbered while he was away. So it all naturally worked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is PP above who is struggling with this decision now -
For those of you who reached your decision to just have one with such confidence, how did you go about getting to that point?

It's ok to have doubts and keep checking in with each other. I always only wanted none or one, and DH wanted one or two. Today I'd be willing to have a second if he wanted but he really doesn't. DD is 6 and I'm about to turn 40 so we're almost certainly done, but I still think about it sometimes. Sometimes I wish we already had two, and sort of handwave all the logistics of the early years. But mostly, I am happy with and exhausted by the one we have.

As far as regrets after you get too old, I sort of hope it will feel like passing on a bigger home for sale. It might have been the perfect home for us, or it might have been a mistake, but we didn't buy it and we're happy with the home we have now so it's fine.

[Anonymous]

I can think of 6 off the top of my head.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I, and we know several others. In my case, I married young and intentionally waited, then, for a few years, considered maybe not having any, then had one with the assumption I'd "probably"-- but not definitely-- have another. We celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary shortly after DC was born-- people who didn't know us well assumed that our kid was either an oops (and we had never wanted kids) or that the long "wait" was due to fertility issues, but neither was true.

When DC was about 6 months old, I started feeling maybe 80% certain I never wanted another, and the certainty grew every month and year, to about 99% now (DC is 6 years old). I am 40, have an IUD and am giving it a few more months to sit with the decision before DH gets a vasectomy.

I love my kid, and having her was THE best decision I ever made, but I know my limits. I am one of two (but was an only for a long time) and DH is one of four and loves kids, but loves me more (and very much likes the benefits of one). We also don't have a ton of money and my career is *just* starting to take off, so I think our decision is pretty much made. The only reason I'm not at 100% (if you ever can be) is that I know what it's like to change your mind, and I want to be sure.

[Anonymous]

I wanted two kids, one of each gender. I don't want more or less kids than that.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know several who wanted only one. In many cases it was because of a variety of factors--finances making it too much of a strain, one spouse having health (non-fertility issues), the child having special challenges that meant parents really wanted to focus time and resources on that child and didn't think it made sense to have another.

Also a number of friends who have one are only children themselves. I think being more familiar with it makes people more comfortable with it as a reasonable choice. I have to admit that I would never have made that choice--but then again, my parents each have several siblings so I have a huge family! And I love chaos and noise. It's just a mindset, very influenced by your own background, but of course the right answer is different for every person and every family.

[Anonymous]

Do you live in the city OP? We do and probably know 20 single-child-by-choice families. It’s fairly common. Our kids are in middle school so most of these families are long done having kids.

[Anonymous]

What people’s real reasons are for having only one child and what they say in polite company are two different things. Two women in my family have only one child. Both had traumatic births and neither wanted to repeat the experience. One had to get a hysterectomy in her 30s to attempt to fix the damage. I think traumatic births and and birth injuries are a lot more common than people realize.

I read one study that found that about a third of women who had given birth by forceps or emergency C section said they did not want to have more children because they did not think they could go through that experience again.

What stuns me and continues to stun me, is that anyone ever feels entitled to say “you need to give Larla a sibling!” Or “when are you having another?” It’s so insensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is PP above who is struggling with this decision now -
For those of you who reached your decision to just have one with such confidence, how did you go about getting to that point?

I imagined our lives with another child. The costs, the time, and instead of joy...it felt like a nightmare. When my child was 2 when we were “supposed” to begin trying again, I just thought what a nightmare, I’m really enjoying my kid now, I don’t want to pregnant again. Then, when she was 3 and doing all those cute things, the thought of an infant in diapers just sounded terrible. Each passing year, the idea of a baby, another child in our life made me feel dread (I even had night terrors). Lucky, my husband was on board.

It irks me when people ask why we don’t have more kids, like I’m a baby making factory.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What people’s real reasons are for having only one child and what they say in polite company are two different things. Two women in my family have only one child. Both had traumatic births and neither wanted to repeat the experience. One had to get a hysterectomy in her 30s to attempt to fix the damage. I think traumatic births and and birth injuries are a lot more common than people realize.

I read one study that found that about a third of women who had given birth by forceps or emergency C section said they did not want to have more children because they did not think they could go through that experience again.

What stuns me and continues to stun me, is that anyone ever feels entitled to say “you need to give Larla a sibling!” Or “when are you having another?” It’s so insensitive.

Insensitive is an understatement, people who ask about this are offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What people’s real reasons are for having only one child and what they say in polite company are two different things. Two women in my family have only one child. Both had traumatic births and neither wanted to repeat the experience. One had to get a hysterectomy in her 30s to attempt to fix the damage. I think traumatic births and and birth injuries are a lot more common than people realize.

I read one study that found that about a third of women who had given birth by forceps or emergency C section said they did not want to have more children because they did not think they could go through that experience again.

What stuns me and continues to stun me, is that anyone ever feels entitled to say “you need to give Larla a sibling!” Or “when are you having another?” It’s so insensitive.

Insensitive is an understatement, people who ask about this are offensive.

I agree! We have three kids and are extremely happy we did. BUT I never ever ask about anyone else's reproductive choices. I even let my own brother tell me if he wanted another- I didn't bring it up or ask or pressure them.

Parents of onlies- please feel zero guilt. You do what is right for you! Forget all the noise from other people or all the "shoulds" in your head. I know three couples like this and I have always expressed my support when they bring up the weird societal or familial pressure they feel. I stand up to other people who gossip about the one and done friends.

There are a million tradeoffs to all the choices we make. I support the heck out of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I once was part of a convo where friend A told friend B that she was envious of friend B for being a mother to one bc that’s what she wanted but wasn’t confident enough to not fold to the pressure of two.

The mother of one said she loved being a mother of one but felt ppl thought she was selfish for having a nice set up where they traveled a lot and had a small family.

Lesson is: life is complicated and all choices have upsides and downsides!

I'm a mom of one and I get what your friend B is feeling. DH and I have had long conversations and are confident in our choice. It allows us to both keep working--which is important to us--and gives us a ton more financial flexibility. It means our house has ample room (DD has a bedroom and playroom to herself; we have a separate office and a separate guest room). We already feel like our lives are full balancing working FT and having a toddler, and we both recognize that adding another kid into the mix would just add more stress.

But I also know there's this notion out there that you're not *really* parenting unless you're running around constantly with your hair on fire all the time. I try to just ignore that, but there's a small feeling of guilt that, when DD goes to bed or is napping, I can just relax. We can afford a cleaning person, so we don't have to spend our weekends cleaning the house. When she gets older and is involved in activities, we can both go see her, rather than having to split up and take one kid one place and the other kid somewhere else.

Anyway, there's another woman on my block--who has a kid almost exactly DD's age--who is also one and done by choice. She's a few years older than me, but I believe could have another child if she wanted to. In any case, there's two families for you, OP!

I have three and can't afford a cleaning service. But lady, you ARE really parenting! Feel zero guilt! Enjoy your relaxing time. Don't buy into that Mommy Martyr crap.

[Anonymous]

Yes, me. Got married at 36. One and done at 38. Love our easy little family.

[Anonymous]

Me. I'm the eldest in a big family. I love kids, but I have nieces and nephews and helped raise my younger siblings. One of my own is just perfect.