Do you know anyone with one kid who wanted just one kid?

[Anonymous]

We were one and done on purpose. I like sleep and alone time, plus I learned that DH can’t handle parenting and working, so there’s no way I’d breed with him again. Just being honest.

MIL sighs about how it’s a shame, but I’m not interested in her opinion, or anyone else’s, about my fertility decisions.

[Anonymous]

I know a mix--two people I know would have liked a second, but had secondary fertility issues. But at least half a dozen couples I know, including myself, had one intentionally, for a variety of reasons--finances, time, personality, etc.

I think there's still a lot of pressure--quite overt sometimes--to have a second so as to "give your child a sibling," and I suspect that a lot of people who would have been happy with one were consciously or subconsciously motivated by the sense that you're "supposed" to have more than one. That can take the form of the fear that only child are, in Lauren Sandler's phrase, lonelyselfishmaladjusted, (I also recommend her book, by the way, which I think takes a very evenhanded look at the statistics and experiences of only children and their parents), or that they would be depriving their child of something s/he was entitled to.

And some people, of course, genuinely want more kids.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, at this point in time, I lump people who go around saying "Oh - but you HAVE to have two! You HAVE to give your child a sibling!" in with people who vocally object to stuff like interracial marriages or say "Those immigrants HAVE to learn English if they want to come here!"

It's a statement and sentiment that is crass, out of bounds, archaic, and not cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Several. Myself included. I don't know anyone with 2 that wished they had 1. I know a couple with 3 or 4 who wished the stopped earlier.

I know an older mom who did IVF and got twins and now they are 17 yrs old (her 3rd and 4th children) and she tells mea ll the time how difficult it was for her when they were young, and how much she regrets her decision to do IVF because of the risk of multiple births.

[Anonymous]

My son is almost 5 and an only (and will remain an only by choice). I’m surprised how few only children there are in his class in DCPS PreK.
I thought there would be more given the high cost of living and prevalence of older parents. My son comments that his friends all having siblings, but
we’re very pleased with our one and only.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once was part of a convo where friend A told friend B that she was envious of friend B for being a mother to one bc that’s what she wanted but wasn’t confident enough to not fold to the pressure of two.

The mother of one said she loved being a mother of one but felt ppl thought she was selfish for having a nice set up where they traveled a lot and had a small family.

Lesson is: life is complicated and all choices have upsides and downsides!

I'm a mom of one and I get what your friend B is feeling. DH and I have had long conversations and are confident in our choice. It allows us to both keep working--which is important to us--and gives us a ton more financial flexibility. It means our house has ample room (DD has a bedroom and playroom to herself; we have a separate office and a separate guest room). We already feel like our lives are full balancing working FT and having a toddler, and we both recognize that adding another kid into the mix would just add more stress.

But I also know there's this notion out there that you're not *really* parenting unless you're running around constantly with your hair on fire all the time. I try to just ignore that, but there's a small feeling of guilt that, when DD goes to bed or is napping, I can just relax. We can afford a cleaning person, so we don't have to spend our weekends cleaning the house. When she gets older and is involved in activities, we can both go see her, rather than having to split up and take one kid one place and the other kid somewhere else.

Anyway, there's another woman on my block--who has a kid almost exactly DD's age--who is also one and done by choice. She's a few years older than me, but I believe could have another child if she wanted to. In any case, there's two families for you, OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is almost 5 and an only (and will remain an only by choice). I’m surprised how few only children there are in his class in DCPS PreK.
I thought there would be more given the high cost of living and prevalence of older parents. My son comments that his friends all having siblings, but
we’re very pleased with our one and only.

I think that will change over time.

From what I've read, Seattle is really the center of one-child families. Apparently the national figure is 20% of families have 1 kid, but in Seattle it's 47%!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, at this point in time, I lump people who go around saying "Oh - but you HAVE to have two! You HAVE to give your child a sibling!" in with people who vocally object to stuff like interracial marriages or say "Those immigrants HAVE to learn English if they want to come here!"

It's a statement and sentiment that is crass, out of bounds, archaic, and not cool.

I am a one and done by choice. When I was younger (I'm mid-40s and lucky people don't say that to me anymore), people said this to me all the time. I ended those friendships. Now that I take my child to Europe 3-4 times a year while they struggle to make their annual Florida vacation, I follow up with "Oh - but you HAVE to take your family to EUROPE."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, at this point in time, I lump people who go around saying "Oh - but you HAVE to have two! You HAVE to give your child a sibling!" in with people who vocally object to stuff like interracial marriages or say "Those immigrants HAVE to learn English if they want to come here!"

It's a statement and sentiment that is crass, out of bounds, archaic, and not cool.

I am a one and done by choice. When I was younger (I'm mid-40s and lucky people don't say that to me anymore), people said this to me all the time. I ended those friendships. Now that I take my child to Europe 3-4 times a year while they struggle to make their annual Florida vacation, I follow up with "Oh - but you HAVE to take your family to EUROPE."

Yes!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, at this point in time, I lump people who go around saying "Oh - but you HAVE to have two! You HAVE to give your child a sibling!" in with people who vocally object to stuff like interracial marriages or say "Those immigrants HAVE to learn English if they want to come here!"

It's a statement and sentiment that is crass, out of bounds, archaic, and not cool.

I am a one and done by choice. When I was younger (I'm mid-40s and lucky people don't say that to me anymore), people said this to me all the time. I ended those friendships. Now that I take my child to Europe 3-4 times a year while they struggle to make their annual Florida vacation, I follow up with "Oh - but you HAVE to take your family to EUROPE."

Yes!!!

LOL that's awesome. We have one kid and, at 2.5 years old, she's already been to Europe twice. We'll do a Disney vacation next year and since we don't have to pay for 2 kids' tickets/food/etc. we can stay at a nicer Disney hotel. The next person who snarks at me about how we HAVE to give her a sibling will get a comeback like "oh but you HAVE to have your kid experience all the European capitols and the highest category Disney hotel. You mean you crammed your family in All-Star Music again? Shame."

[Anonymous]

DH and I went into parenting assuming we would have only one child. I always envisioned us as a family of three and found the idea of mother, father, and one child very sweet and special. I still feel this way! When our DS was 2 I got pregnant very unexpectedly (had an IUD) and that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Instead of relief I felt longing. This could have been hormones or a temporary feeling, but I got pregnant again within a few months and now we have DD. Our family is absolutely complete (vasectomy for DH). Of my friends who had their first babies at the same time as I did, my closest friend also assumed they would have an only and ended up with another. Another friend and her DH were absolutely one and done. They are surprisingly both from big, close, families but are super passionate about their careers, have very busy social lives, and just didn't feel like a big family would fit for them. They continue to be very happy with their one daughter, and they're a very fun, outgoing, busy family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I once was part of a convo where friend A told friend B that she was envious of friend B for being a mother to one bc that’s what she wanted but wasn’t confident enough to not fold to the pressure of two.

The mother of one said she loved being a mother of one but felt ppl thought she was selfish for having a nice set up where they traveled a lot and had a small family.

Lesson is: life is complicated and all choices have upsides and downsides!

Crabs in a bucket

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I went into parenting assuming we would have only one child. I always envisioned us as a family of three and found the idea of mother, father, and one child very sweet and special. I still feel this way! When our DS was 2 I got pregnant very unexpectedly (had an IUD) and that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Instead of relief I felt longing. This could have been hormones or a temporary feeling, but I got pregnant again within a few months and now we have DD. Our family is absolutely complete (vasectomy for DH). Of my friends who had their first babies at the same time as I did, my closest friend also assumed they would have an only and ended up with another. Another friend and her DH were absolutely one and done. They are surprisingly both from big, close, families but are super passionate about their careers, have very busy social lives, and just didn't feel like a big family would fit for them. They continue to be very happy with their one daughter, and they're a very fun, outgoing, busy family.

This seems to be key for making a one-child family work. From what I've read (I have a sister, so without personal experience as an only, I read up on what only children think of their childhoods) only children seem to be happier when their parents make sure to cultivate social networks and not just cart them to adult events, as though they're a little adult. That seems to help them not feel isolated.

Then some only children feel pressure being the only person to take care of their aging parents, but on that count I will say that, watching both my parents deal with very old mothers (their fathers passed away a long time ago) and ridiculously annoying/disruptive siblings, I think whether siblings help during that process is totally a toss-up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meeeee!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I went into parenting assuming we would have only one child. I always envisioned us as a family of three and found the idea of mother, father, and one child very sweet and special. I still feel this way! When our DS was 2 I got pregnant very unexpectedly (had an IUD) and that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Instead of relief I felt longing. This could have been hormones or a temporary feeling, but I got pregnant again within a few months and now we have DD. Our family is absolutely complete (vasectomy for DH). Of my friends who had their first babies at the same time as I did, my closest friend also assumed they would have an only and ended up with another. Another friend and her DH were absolutely one and done. They are surprisingly both from big, close, families but are super passionate about their careers, have very busy social lives, and just didn't feel like a big family would fit for them. They continue to be very happy with their one daughter, and they're a very fun, outgoing, busy family.

This seems to be key for making a one-child family work. From what I've read (I have a sister, so without personal experience as an only, I read up on what only children think of their childhoods) only children seem to be happier when their parents make sure to cultivate social networks and not just cart them to adult events, as though they're a little adult. That seems to help them not feel isolated.

Then some only children feel pressure being the only person to take care of their aging parents, but on that count I will say that, watching both my parents deal with very old mothers (their fathers passed away a long time ago) and ridiculously annoying/disruptive siblings, I think whether siblings help during that process is totally a toss-up.

I actually like knowing that I’m going to be the only one taking care of my parents. Some siblings get along and equally share in taking care of aging parents. But even in those situations, it’s usually one child who takes on more and that can cause resentment. And there are lots of siblings who don’t get along at all. And trying to navigate that plus deal with aging parents. No thank you! It’s all on me (with DH’s support) and I’m good with that.