DH cheated but won't unfriend/block the OW on social media

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I want to be able to say that we have been through hell and are still together while so many others around us are breaking up! Being loyal and staying tried/true is very important to me in general. Plus, I don't want to let the OW win.

Let her win? Yeah, a cheating husband is a real prize.

[Anonymous]

You're not winning, and never will. He already checked out years ago.

[Anonymous]

I hope you don’t have a daughter as you are showing her the worst example of who not to be with when it comes to relationships..

[Anonymous]

Theee are many relationships like this. Just look at the moving on after an affair thread.

[Anonymous]

Okay, this is probably a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You have a deep misunderstanding about your situation. You think that something you do, will affect how he feels about this woman and whether he will "let her go." ("trying to be the best wife I can be so he will just let this woman go."

He has clearly made a decision to use this woman to fill a need in himself (nothing to do with you). It serves some purpose for him to have this fantasy love/relationship (at best) or secret AP (at worst). After so much time, and considering his response to you recently, it is clear that he doesn't want to change this.

The only thing you can control is you. The real question is do you want to continue being married to a guy who (at best) is constantly pining after an old love? Do you want to be in a relationship where you have zero trust for your partner?

You decide whether you continue or not. You decide whether or not you want to continue loving him. By the way, love is a choice, not some uncontrollable force. Just like your DH has decided to continue loving his ideal of this other woman, you also decide to either keep loving the person he is, the person you want him to be or you decide that you stop loving him.

My DH cheated on me extensively. At his request, I tried to reconcile with him, but he could not stop his behavior. I loved him deeply. But, I decided that he was not worth that love. I told him to leave the house. I felt relieved the first day without him, when I could stop doing the "pick me" dance. But, honestly, it took about 2 years for me to stop loving him. It would have been faster had I cut off all contact (which would have been entirely justifiable). For the sake of my kids, I still have contact with him, but it's pretty minimal. The less it is, the happier I am. Now, I can't even fathom why I wasted so much time on a person who so clearly was unable to devote proper time and attention to our relationship.

I think you never experience love.

Thank you church lady

True, healthy romantic love is a choice. It’s not infatuation, worship or obsession.

You can choose to do what is morally right, but deep down in your heart you can't control who you are in love with.

You may not choose who you are in love with in this very moment. But, if you decide to end the relationship, cut or minimize contact, engage in activities with other friends and start to date again, you will stop loving this person eventually.

Love feeds on closeness, touch and emotion (even negative, high drama emotion). If you stop feeding it, it will die.

This is how adults make healthy choices in their lives. There are plenty of people I have met with whom I felt a connection but who were not right for me in other ways. I choose not to nurture or to stop nuturing those connections.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should be thankful you gave him another chance, and yes at least unfriend the OW.

Has he otherwise been transparent? Can you verify that they still have not been in contact with one another?

I checked the phone records and he's not contacted her by phone since. I also saw were she was very angry with him shortly after I found out. But there was nothing from him after that. I should also note that while he hasn't talked to her via phone, he HAS wished her "happy birthday" twice via social media but no other contact. BTW, the "Happy Birthday" message was quite a heartfelt message from him too.

Wtf. No, just no. You don’t deserve this and he isn’t going to chance his ways

[Anonymous]

8 years is anlotnof years. Do not suffer. You are worth it. Do. Let him fool you. You are not wrong. Stay strong. You were able to forgive his mess and he cannot even do that for you? WTH!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should be thankful you gave him another chance, and yes at least unfriend the OW.

Has he otherwise been transparent? Can you verify that they still have not been in contact with one another?

I checked the phone records and he's not contacted her by phone since. I also saw were she was very angry with him shortly after I found out. But there was nothing from him after that. I should also note that while he hasn't talked to her via phone, he HAS wished her "happy birthday" twice via social media but no other contact. BTW, the "Happy Birthday" message was quite a heartfelt message from him too.

Wtf. No, just no. You don’t deserve this and he isn’t going to chance his ways

Yup. DTMFA

[Anonymous]

A married woman cheated on her DH with me (I was single) 20+ years ago and we're still FB friends. Neither of us ever interact with each other on FB or in real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I want to be able to say that we have been through hell and are still together while so many others around us are breaking up! Being loyal and staying tried/true is very important to me in general. Plus, I don't want to let the OW win.

Get a postnup that favors you while he is denying this. Who cares what you are “able to say”? Honestly, OP, this is delusion on your part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I want to be able to say that we have been through hell and are still together while so many others around us are breaking up! Being loyal and staying tried/true is very important to me in general. Plus, I don't want to let the OW win.

Is he being loyal and staying tried and true to you. He has cheated on you twice. Why do you give him fidelity which he won’t give you? Is it truly a victory if you manage to stay with a guy who is unkind and uncaring to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He promised me today that he'll never speak to her again and that it's harmless to just keep her on his friends list. I don't know what to believe. I think he intends to stick to that promise but if he's still lurking and looking at her silently, what chance do we really have?

I’m sorry, OP, but you are an idiot and a doormat. It’s not harmless. Because it harmful to YOU. You define what hurts you, and this hurts you. It would be unacceptable to me for my husband to choose to hurt me this way after cheating on me.

But apparently you don’t really care because he pays all your bills. So stop wasting our time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A married woman cheated on her DH with me (I was single) 20+ years ago and we're still FB friends. Neither of us ever interact with each other on FB or in real life.

I get why you don't care if you are connected but maybe her husband does, or he doesn't know? Either way, if the cheated on spouse is not happy about it, don't you think the cheated spouse should cut all ties?

[Anonymous]

Regret is about your own emotion. Feeling guilty or upset or hurt or angry or devastated because of what you did. I can't believe I did that, I thought I was a better person, I can't believe how awful it feels right now to be me, to have to feel this way due to what I did. It is all about 'me'. Regret leads to actions that make the person feel better themselves.

Remorse is about the emotions of others and being devastated by the impact of what you did to others. Feeling guilty or sad over the hurt you caused others and realizing that your own emotions are secondary to how you made others feel. Remorse leads to actions that try to repair the damage caused to others and to make others feel better. Remorse leads to putting their own needs/wants as secondary and prioritizing how best to help the person they impacted heal.