DH cheated but won't unfriend/block the OW on social media

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You have a deep misunderstanding about your situation. You think that something you do, will affect how he feels about this woman and whether he will "let her go." ("trying to be the best wife I can be so he will just let this woman go."

He has clearly made a decision to use this woman to fill a need in himself (nothing to do with you). It serves some purpose for him to have this fantasy love/relationship (at best) or secret AP (at worst). After so much time, and considering his response to you recently, it is clear that he doesn't want to change this.

The only thing you can control is you. The real question is do you want to continue being married to a guy who (at best) is constantly pining after an old love? Do you want to be in a relationship where you have zero trust for your partner?

You decide whether you continue or not. You decide whether or not you want to continue loving him. By the way, love is a choice, not some uncontrollable force. Just like your DH has decided to continue loving his ideal of this other woman, you also decide to either keep loving the person he is, the person you want him to be or you decide that you stop loving him.

My DH cheated on me extensively. At his request, I tried to reconcile with him, but he could not stop his behavior. I loved him deeply. But, I decided that he was not worth that love. I told him to leave the house. I felt relieved the first day without him, when I could stop doing the "pick me" dance. But, honestly, it took about 2 years for me to stop loving him. It would have been faster had I cut off all contact (which would have been entirely justifiable). For the sake of my kids, I still have contact with him, but it's pretty minimal. The less it is, the happier I am. Now, I can't even fathom why I wasted so much time on a person who so clearly was unable to devote proper time and attention to our relationship.

I think you never experience love.

[Anonymous]

divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I want to be able to say that we have been through hell and are still together while so many others around us are breaking up! Being loyal and staying tried/true is very important to me in general. Plus, I don't want to let the OW win.

Your motivation here seems .. off. All in external appearances. No mention of love for DH. Perhaps this is why he is looking elsewhere for emotional connection?

+1 Also, he's not loyal and true to you. It's all one sided. That's not how it's supposed to work. "Letting the other woman win" - I'd say she's already won since YOUR DH is pining after HER.. for 8 years.

OP wants the last laugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I want to be able to say that we have been through hell and are still together while so many others around us are breaking up! Being loyal and staying tried/true is very important to me in general. Plus, I don't want to let the OW win.

Your motivation here seems .. off. All in external appearances. No mention of love for DH. Perhaps this is why he is looking elsewhere for emotional connection?

+1 Also, he's not loyal and true to you. It's all one sided. That's not how it's supposed to work. "Letting the other woman win" - I'd say she's already won since YOUR DH is pining after HER.. for 8 years.

OP wants the last laugh.

Wasting her years pining for a man who is in love with another woman is not getting the last laugh. Moving on and finding love and being happy is getting the last laugh.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to divorce. And usually I say hang in there. But this is crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You have a deep misunderstanding about your situation. You think that something you do, will affect how he feels about this woman and whether he will "let her go." ("trying to be the best wife I can be so he will just let this woman go."

He has clearly made a decision to use this woman to fill a need in himself (nothing to do with you). It serves some purpose for him to have this fantasy love/relationship (at best) or secret AP (at worst). After so much time, and considering his response to you recently, it is clear that he doesn't want to change this.

The only thing you can control is you. The real question is do you want to continue being married to a guy who (at best) is constantly pining after an old love? Do you want to be in a relationship where you have zero trust for your partner?

You decide whether you continue or not. You decide whether or not you want to continue loving him. By the way, love is a choice, not some uncontrollable force. Just like your DH has decided to continue loving his ideal of this other woman, you also decide to either keep loving the person he is, the person you want him to be or you decide that you stop loving him.

My DH cheated on me extensively. At his request, I tried to reconcile with him, but he could not stop his behavior. I loved him deeply. But, I decided that he was not worth that love. I told him to leave the house. I felt relieved the first day without him, when I could stop doing the "pick me" dance. But, honestly, it took about 2 years for me to stop loving him. It would have been faster had I cut off all contact (which would have been entirely justifiable). For the sake of my kids, I still have contact with him, but it's pretty minimal. The less it is, the happier I am. Now, I can't even fathom why I wasted so much time on a person who so clearly was unable to devote proper time and attention to our relationship.

I think you never experience love.

True, healthy romantic love is a choice. It’s not infatuation, worship or obsession.

[Anonymous]

He promised me today that he'll never speak to her again and that it's harmless to just keep her on his friends list. I don't know what to believe. I think he intends to stick to that promise but if he's still lurking and looking at her silently, what chance do we really have?

[Anonymous]

There is not a single woman that wins from having that man in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He promised me today that he'll never speak to her again and that it's harmless to just keep her on his friends list. I don't know what to believe. I think he intends to stick to that promise but if he's still lurking and looking at her silently, what chance do we really have?

OP, you wre being taken for a ride. And not the kind of ride your husband takes with his AP. Do you even read what you’re writing? It’s insane you allow yourself to be treated this way.

[Anonymous]

Woah. Jesus Christ that’s terrible.

That’s not cheating, honestly he was in a relationship with her. 8 years isn’t a one time mistake.

My DH and I both cheated early on in our long-distance relationship a few months in. I regretted it terribly. We were both young, 24 and 27 at the time. I wasn’t PISSED because DH didn’t actually disclose it until we had been married for a few years. After we went to marriage counselling I understand why he didn’t tell me, but I was still mad as hell about it.

But DH had deleted her number, Facebook, and any ties to her years ago before we ever got married. He tried to bury it as deep as he could until he outright confessed to get it off his conscience. He went to counselling with me and participated fully. He answered every question I had. We had plenty of tear-filled conversations about it. But we buried the hatchet and moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You have a deep misunderstanding about your situation. You think that something you do, will affect how he feels about this woman and whether he will "let her go." ("trying to be the best wife I can be so he will just let this woman go."

He has clearly made a decision to use this woman to fill a need in himself (nothing to do with you). It serves some purpose for him to have this fantasy love/relationship (at best) or secret AP (at worst). After so much time, and considering his response to you recently, it is clear that he doesn't want to change this.

The only thing you can control is you. The real question is do you want to continue being married to a guy who (at best) is constantly pining after an old love? Do you want to be in a relationship where you have zero trust for your partner?

You decide whether you continue or not. You decide whether or not you want to continue loving him. By the way, love is a choice, not some uncontrollable force. Just like your DH has decided to continue loving his ideal of this other woman, you also decide to either keep loving the person he is, the person you want him to be or you decide that you stop loving him.

My DH cheated on me extensively. At his request, I tried to reconcile with him, but he could not stop his behavior. I loved him deeply. But, I decided that he was not worth that love. I told him to leave the house. I felt relieved the first day without him, when I could stop doing the "pick me" dance. But, honestly, it took about 2 years for me to stop loving him. It would have been faster had I cut off all contact (which would have been entirely justifiable). For the sake of my kids, I still have contact with him, but it's pretty minimal. The less it is, the happier I am. Now, I can't even fathom why I wasted so much time on a person who so clearly was unable to devote proper time and attention to our relationship.

I think you never experience love.

True, healthy romantic love is a choice. It’s not infatuation, worship or obsession.

You can choose to do what is morally right, but deep down in your heart you can't control who you are in love with.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, no. And if you believe he has no contact with her, I have a bridge to sell you. Divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You have a deep misunderstanding about your situation. You think that something you do, will affect how he feels about this woman and whether he will "let her go." ("trying to be the best wife I can be so he will just let this woman go."

He has clearly made a decision to use this woman to fill a need in himself (nothing to do with you). It serves some purpose for him to have this fantasy love/relationship (at best) or secret AP (at worst). After so much time, and considering his response to you recently, it is clear that he doesn't want to change this.

The only thing you can control is you. The real question is do you want to continue being married to a guy who (at best) is constantly pining after an old love? Do you want to be in a relationship where you have zero trust for your partner?

You decide whether you continue or not. You decide whether or not you want to continue loving him. By the way, love is a choice, not some uncontrollable force. Just like your DH has decided to continue loving his ideal of this other woman, you also decide to either keep loving the person he is, the person you want him to be or you decide that you stop loving him.

My DH cheated on me extensively. At his request, I tried to reconcile with him, but he could not stop his behavior. I loved him deeply. But, I decided that he was not worth that love. I told him to leave the house. I felt relieved the first day without him, when I could stop doing the "pick me" dance. But, honestly, it took about 2 years for me to stop loving him. It would have been faster had I cut off all contact (which would have been entirely justifiable). For the sake of my kids, I still have contact with him, but it's pretty minimal. The less it is, the happier I am. Now, I can't even fathom why I wasted so much time on a person who so clearly was unable to devote proper time and attention to our relationship.

I think you never experience love.

True, healthy romantic love is a choice. It’s not infatuation, worship or obsession.

You can choose to do what is morally right, but deep down in your heart you can't control who you are in love with.

You may not choose who you are in love with in this very moment. But, if you decide to end the relationship, cut or minimize contact, engage in activities with other friends and start to date again, you will stop loving this person eventually.

Love feeds on closeness, touch and emotion (even negative, high drama emotion). If you stop feeding it, it will die.

This is how adults make healthy choices in their lives. There are plenty of people I have met with whom I felt a connection but who were not right for me in other ways. I choose not to nurture or to stop nuturing those connections.

[Anonymous]

OP, I do wonder if my friend is the OW. Same scenario. He has 2 daughters. She strings him along with lunches and phone calls on birthdays. She has a fiancé, an ex-DH around and him. He is just a sweet memory, Nothing more. She is NOT interested.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely no excuse why you should still be around.