DH cheated but won't unfriend/block the OW on social media

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, when your husband was cheating, did you notice any odd financial transactions? I do have access to accounts. In the past he would take out 200-400 cash. He has never explained what he does with his cash.

DP. Those amounts could be anything. Does he travel for work and he'll claim the cash is emergency money for travel?
I suspect instead that he hopes that by taking out relatively small amounts, you won't notice the repeated withdrawals, and he's putting the money away for paying for a lawyer for himself. Or paying prostitutes. Or: Does the "former" OW work near enough to his workplace that he could be using this cash to meet her during the work day for expensive lunches or hotel sex?

Have you ever asked him about these withdrawals? If not, why not? Ask now. Do it with a bank statement in front of you showing some of these transactions. Act like you're merely, innocently checking to be sure the bank didn't make a mistake. Watch his reaction closely.

Start putting aside money for yourself in a new account only in your name, in a bank that is NOT the one where you and he have any joint accounts. Ensure no paper statements come to your house. You need exit money. Remember he could clean out any joint accounts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Regret is about your own emotion. Feeling guilty or upset or hurt or angry or devastated because of what you did. I can't believe I did that, I thought I was a better person, I can't believe how awful it feels right now to be me, to have to feel this way due to what I did. It is all about 'me'. Regret leads to actions that make the person feel better themselves.

Remorse is about the emotions of others and being devastated by the impact of what you did to others. Feeling guilty or sad over the hurt you caused others and realizing that your own emotions are secondary to how you made others feel. Remorse leads to actions that try to repair the damage caused to others and to make others feel better. Remorse leads to putting their own needs/wants as secondary and prioritizing how best to help the person they impacted heal.

Just to add, I think many people confuse regret with remorse. They see tears or guilt and they think that means they can work through it. Tears or guilt related to regret won't lead to any forward progress. I do think that a marriage can survive infidelity if there is true remorse and both parties want to try to make it work. I don't think a marriage can be healthy following infidelity if there is only regret, no matter how much both people might say they want to make it work.

? PP, "remorse" is defined as: "deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed"
how do the two differ in your example?

I think, in the cheating world, it goes like this: The cheated upon think the cheaters will find remorse ... a deep feeling that they, the cheaters, did something wrong and hurt their spouse awfully and they will wish they'd never done it. Instead, what happens 99% of the time is that cheaters find regret ... a deep feeling that they should have hid their actions better and they wish their spouse had never found out.

If a cheater was capable of remorse, they wouldn’t have cheated in the first place.

[Anonymous]

I asked what he spent the money on. He told me he couldn't remember, it wasn't a lot of money, then a few things like coffee. I have been monitoring spending and the withdrawals stopped but recently he spent another large sum. He told me he can't remember what he spent it on because he doesn't keep track. Possible, except my DH is man who counts pennies and gets a thrill out of saving fifty cents. I know he's lying, I just can't prove it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I asked what he spent the money on. He told me he couldn't remember, it wasn't a lot of money, then a few things like coffee. I have been monitoring spending and the withdrawals stopped but recently he spent another large sum. He told me he can't remember what he spent it on because he doesn't keep track. Possible, except my DH is man who counts pennies and gets a thrill out of saving fifty cents. I know he's lying, I just can't prove it.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? I promise you there’s a good life on the other side of the awfulness you’re in now. What are you getting out of staying? And is it worth what you’re having to deal with?

[Anonymous]

Get to www.survivinginfidelity.com for real advice, though you have gotten some good stuff here.

Your DH is still in the affair. You need to take care of yourself and get all your ducks in a row. At this point, your leaving him is your best bet.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I think you are right. I just therapy again. The previous therapist urged me to work on my relationship since my DH would never tell me the truth. Followed the advice and things seemed much better, spending stopped. I should also add that my DH is very secretive. He won't give me passwords to his phone, ipad or desktop. Everything is password protected. I am at the point where I need answers or I need to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are right. I just therapy again. The previous therapist urged me to work on my relationship since my DH would never tell me the truth. Followed the advice and things seemed much better, spending stopped. I should also add that my DH is very secretive. He won't give me passwords to his phone, ipad or desktop. Everything is password protected. I am at the point where I need answers or I need to leave.

You are at the point where you need to leave - you just haven't gotten there yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are right. I just therapy again. The previous therapist urged me to work on my relationship since my DH would never tell me the truth. Followed the advice and things seemed much better, spending stopped. I should also add that my DH is very secretive. He won't give me passwords to his phone, ipad or desktop. Everything is password protected. I am at the point where I need answers or I need to leave.

You are at the point where you need to leave - you just haven't gotten there yet.

+1 Hugs. This is no way to live. All you can do is control yourself and your reactions. I hope you where you need to be soon. You'll feel much better when you do. BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Weird that Op would describe this as "95% emotional". Cheating ONCE is beyond repair. Actual intercourse.

OP here. Yes, actual intercourse and I'm positive there was NO protection because DH doesn't like to use any. He also thinks this woman is a saint that doesn't sleep around so I guess it's impossible to him that she could have an STD. I'm disgusted.

Holy S***.

Why do you WANT this guy? Honestly, if you told me you want him to just pay the bills for a few years so you can sock away money, I'd actually admire that.

Yes, I like all of my bills paid. I think I shouldn't have to contribute a dime after all he's put me through.

Now you smell like a troll.

I agree with pp she should contribute very little. Sock money away he doesn't know about for her exit.

Thank you. This is OP and the fact that I’ve had to use very little of my own earnings over the years has set my pending exit up nicely

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ummm. He's still seeing her. Obviously.

He says he hasn't unfriended her because their relationship/friendship is over and that he's not texted her in two years. So he thinks there's no harm in keeping her on his social media. OW appears to be done with him and has moved on. She responded dryly to his birthday messages and he says she completely ignores him (won't like his posts/pictures), so I guess that last part is also why he thinks it's ok to still keep her on his friends list.

This is the part in the story where I wish an IG account link to OW would be posted...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ummm. He's still seeing her. Obviously.

He says he hasn't unfriended her because their relationship/friendship is over and that he's not texted her in two years. So he thinks there's no harm in keeping her on his social media. OW appears to be done with him and has moved on. She responded dryly to his birthday messages and he says she completely ignores him (won't like his posts/pictures), so I guess that last part is also why he thinks it's ok to still keep her on his friends list.

This is the part in the story where I wish an IG account link to OW would be posted...

Why not the husband? This is why people do not respect people who stay in marriages with cheaters. Misplaced anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ummm. He's still seeing her. Obviously.

He says he hasn't unfriended her because their relationship/friendship is over and that he's not texted her in two years. So he thinks there's no harm in keeping her on his social media. OW appears to be done with him and has moved on. She responded dryly to his birthday messages and he says she completely ignores him (won't like his posts/pictures), so I guess that last part is also why he thinks it's ok to still keep her on his friends list.

This is the part in the story where I wish an IG account link to OW would be posted...

Why not the husband? This is why people do not respect people who stay in marriages with cheaters. Misplaced anger.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should be thankful you gave him another chance, and yes at least unfriend the OW.

Has he otherwise been transparent? Can you verify that they still have not been in contact with one another?

I checked the phone records and he's not contacted her by phone since. I also saw were she was very angry with him shortly after I found out. But there was nothing from him after that. I should also note that while he hasn't talked to her via phone, he HAS wished her "happy birthday" twice via social media but no other contact. BTW, the "Happy Birthday" message was quite a heartfelt message from him too.

Google voice and WhatsApp don’t turn up as phone calls