DH cheated but won't unfriend/block the OW on social media

[Anonymous]

Ask him to hand you his phone. Go to Instagram (or whatever social messaging site it is) and check his DMs.

If he won't do that, it's an admission of guilt.

EIGHT YEARS OF CHEATING OP. And he can't honest with you?

I was 13 when my parents divorced. It's a good age for it (in my opinion). I was so self centered it actually sort of helped shield me from the process. "Will Candace talk to me in math tomorrow?!" things like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should be thankful you gave him another chance, and yes at least unfriend the OW.

Has he otherwise been transparent? Can you verify that they still have not been in contact with one another?

I checked the phone records and he's not contacted her by phone since. I also saw were she was very angry with him shortly after I found out. But there was nothing from him after that. I should also note that while he hasn't talked to her via phone, he HAS wished her "happy birthday" twice via social media but no other contact. BTW, the "Happy Birthday" message was quite a heartfelt message from him too.

What did he say when you asked why is he still connected with her on FB? Did you tell him you want him to unfriend her?

He said that it wasn't really an affair, it was a friendship and that she's one of his best friends. He said the one time they slept together, "just happened" and he regrets it. He claims it was nostalgia. Does nostalgia really occur for 8 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The 8 years of "off and on" were because he would feel guilty, then stop because he wanted to keep his marriage. By the way, this has been gone on for a majority of our marriage.

I know you want to stay together for the kids, but it seems to me like he can't quit. If you know this has been going on for the majority of your marriage do you really believe that he won't cheat in the future? Do you still love your DH? I can understand staying together for the kids, but I think at this point, I would be out of love with my DH and just be roommates with him.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is in love with another woman, period, end of story.

Your choices are to accept it or leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should be thankful you gave him another chance, and yes at least unfriend the OW.

Has he otherwise been transparent? Can you verify that they still have not been in contact with one another?

I checked the phone records and he's not contacted her by phone since. I also saw were she was very angry with him shortly after I found out. But there was nothing from him after that. I should also note that while he hasn't talked to her via phone, he HAS wished her "happy birthday" twice via social media but no other contact. BTW, the "Happy Birthday" message was quite a heartfelt message from him too.

What did he say when you asked why is he still connected with her on FB? Did you tell him you want him to unfriend her?

He said that it wasn't really an affair, it was a friendship and that she's one of his best friends. He said the one time they slept together, "just happened" and he regrets it. He claims it was nostalgia. Does nostalgia really occur for 8 years?

I'm confused.. did he only sleep with her once over the 8 years or more? Has he met up with her off and on all this time? If so, what makes you think it's only happened once.. because he said so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him to hand you his phone. Go to Instagram (or whatever social messaging site it is) and check his DMs.

If he won't do that, it's an admission of guilt.

EIGHT YEARS OF CHEATING OP. And he can't honest with you?

I was 13 when my parents divorced. It's a good age for it (in my opinion). I was so self centered it actually sort of helped shield me from the process. "Will Candace talk to me in math tomorrow?!" things like that.

He says it wasn't 8 years of cheating though. He says it was just that one night that was actual cheating. My question to him was, what would have happened if she had been in local the entire time? It would have been more than just one time! He says I'm insecure to expect him to unfriend her. He said it's been two years now and that we have moved on from it.

[Anonymous]

I am not going to speculate about whether he's still in touch with her or not. I do want to comment on the social media issue. I know a lot of people for whom a relationship on social media does not indicate a personal relationship at all. Those people often have a hard time understanding why someone would feel upset about their spouse maintaining a social media relationship with an ex-lover (whether from before the relationship or an affair partner). They see it as a casual connection and not something indicative of any kind of emotional tie. Given that, it should be easy for them to discontinue the relationship, but it always seems like they dig their heels in. Smells a lot like keeping the door open for future affair to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him to hand you his phone. Go to Instagram (or whatever social messaging site it is) and check his DMs.

If he won't do that, it's an admission of guilt.

EIGHT YEARS OF CHEATING OP. And he can't honest with you?

I was 13 when my parents divorced. It's a good age for it (in my opinion). I was so self centered it actually sort of helped shield me from the process. "Will Candace talk to me in math tomorrow?!" things like that.

He says it wasn't 8 years of cheating though. He says it was just that one night that was actual cheating. My question to him was, what would have happened if she had been in local the entire time? It would have been more than just one time! He says I'm insecure to expect him to unfriend her. He said it's been two years now and that we have moved on from it.

NO!!! You have every right to feel insecure about it. He's still holding on, which means he hasn't moved on. I would say to him, "If you really want this marriage to work, then show me you have moved on. Cut off every single contact with even social media". Otherwise you should move on, whether that's divorce or just as roommates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not going to speculate about whether he's still in touch with her or not. I do want to comment on the social media issue. I know a lot of people for whom a relationship on social media does not indicate a personal relationship at all. Those people often have a hard time understanding why someone would feel upset about their spouse maintaining a social media relationship with an ex-lover (whether from before the relationship or an affair partner). They see it as a casual connection and not something indicative of any kind of emotional tie. Given that, it should be easy for them to discontinue the relationship, but it always seems like they dig their heels in. Smells a lot like keeping the door open for future affair to me.

Yes.. he's still holding on. Someone who is truly remorseful and wants to fix the marriage would have zero issues unfriending the other person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should be thankful you gave him another chance, and yes at least unfriend the OW.

Has he otherwise been transparent? Can you verify that they still have not been in contact with one another?

I checked the phone records and he's not contacted her by phone since. I also saw were she was very angry with him shortly after I found out. But there was nothing from him after that. I should also note that while he hasn't talked to her via phone, he HAS wished her "happy birthday" twice via social media but no other contact. BTW, the "Happy Birthday" message was quite a heartfelt message from him too.

What did he say when you asked why is he still connected with her on FB? Did you tell him you want him to unfriend her?

He said that it wasn't really an affair, it was a friendship and that she's one of his best friends. He said the one time they slept together, "just happened" and he regrets it. He claims it was nostalgia. Does nostalgia really occur for 8 years?

Apparently limerance can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 8 years of "off and on" were because he would feel guilty, then stop because he wanted to keep his marriage. By the way, this has been gone on for a majority of our marriage.

I know you want to stay together for the kids, but it seems to me like he can't quit. If you know this has been going on for the majority of your marriage do you really believe that he won't cheat in the future? Do you still love your DH? I can understand staying together for the kids, but I think at this point, I would be out of love with my DH and just be roommates with him.

I do still love him. I don't trust him though. I'm still trying to be the best wife I can be so he will just let this woman go for once and for all. I didn't sign up for this crap when I married him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The 8 years of "off and on" were because he would feel guilty, then stop because he wanted to keep his marriage. By the way, this has been gone on for a majority of our marriage.

I know you want to stay together for the kids, but it seems to me like he can't quit. If you know this has been going on for the majority of your marriage do you really believe that he won't cheat in the future? Do you still love your DH? I can understand staying together for the kids, but I think at this point, I would be out of love with my DH and just be roommates with him.

I do still love him. I don't trust him though. I'm still trying to be the best wife I can be so he will just let this woman go for once and for all. I didn't sign up for this crap when I married him.

There's no love here, only co-dependence. He's slept with her a lot more than once. Have you talked to her?

If you're bent on staying with this horrible man, either he ditches her 100% or you walk. Isn't that obvious OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He should be thankful you gave him another chance, and yes at least unfriend the OW.

Has he otherwise been transparent? Can you verify that they still have not been in contact with one another?

I checked the phone records and he's not contacted her by phone since. I also saw were she was very angry with him shortly after I found out. But there was nothing from him after that. I should also note that while he hasn't talked to her via phone, he HAS wished her "happy birthday" twice via social media but no other contact. BTW, the "Happy Birthday" message was quite a heartfelt message from him too.

What did he say when you asked why is he still connected with her on FB? Did you tell him you want him to unfriend her?

He said that it wasn't really an affair, it was a friendship and that she's one of his best friends. He said the one time they slept together, "just happened" and he regrets it. He claims it was nostalgia. Does nostalgia really occur for 8 years?

I'm confused.. did he only sleep with her once over the 8 years or more? Has he met up with her off and on all this time? If so, what makes you think it's only happened once.. because he said so?

I read all of the texts. He was stupid enough to have them automatically archived to iCloud. I read the text exchange in which they discussed her coming into town and how things just "happened" that night. The gist of it was it was the second time they saw each other in the total of 8 years. I found out a few weeks after. The reason why it's been mostly emotional vs physical is because she's so far away in California.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband is in love with another woman, period, end of story.

Your choices are to accept it or leave.

If he's so in love with her, why did he quit talking to her? If you're in love with someone, wouldn't you desire to speak to them regularly?

[Anonymous]

95% emotional

What actual physical-thing happened? Anything?