Wife wants another child; I do not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP threads seem flat enough in tone that it seems there's a high probability OP is either a troll or someone with a very limited capacity for empathy. If you love your wife and son, then you try to help your wife realize her goal to have another child, if only to keep your family together and have an ongoing presence in your son's life. I was pretty sure I only wanted two kids and one day spouse announced #3 was on the way. He's one of the three greatest kids in the world, in my humble opinion.

If you can't see your way through to this, nobody on this forum is going make things any better for you.

Agreed.

However, if OP is not a troll, I feel very bad for his wife. I'd love to convince OP to give her the second child she thought she was going to at least try for, but at this point, I don't think OP needs to reproduce any further.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are allowed to put your foot down and say you don't want another child. She is allowed to say that's a dealbreaker and she would rather not be married to you than only have one. Granted, her position is precarious because there's no guarantee that she can actually have another with her history of fertility issues and age, but she can still make that decision.

I can see why she feels betrayed, it sounds like knew years ago that you weren't going to want another and just planned to wait it out until she was too old.

Or she can choose to adopt.

I don't want to adopt.

In this hypothetical, she has divorced you and is having another child without you. Your wants wouldn't really matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP just have another. [i]You are also destroying your family. If you have enough money and time and said you will love the baby, just do it. Maybe put a limit on it (we will try for 6 months,1 year).
I was in a similar situation (minus fertility issues) and convinced/pushed my DH to have a second. This second became the most amazing litttle girl and my DH is totally in love with her (maybe because she looks so much like me ).

I am now pregnant with baby #3.... DH’s idea...

It's not that easy. It's too much work and I don't want to do the work of having a newborn baby that will wake up thru the night. Plus, I'm now 37 and too old for that.

I was 38 when I had my second child, OP, and while it is not a fun phase, it does pass, as you have already experienced.

You are not "too old for that." You just don't want to.

DH was 41 with our first, 43 with our second and 46 with our third. I was 12 years younger, but he dealt with tiredness and everything else much better than me. Your answers to some of the comments are horrible... “she has fertility problems and she should just accept that”... what is that? I got pregnant first try with all my babies and I am offended for your wife. Man I have a great husband!!!!

[Anonymous]

OP, your wife is also hurting and angry. Many posters have tried to explain why. Unless and until you can: (1) accept that she feels hurt and angry, (2) understand why, and (3) admit that her feelings are just as valid and justified as yours, you don't have a chance of saving this marriage.

Your current attitude seems to be that your feelings are more important, more justified, more "right" than hers. That's a non-starter.

This is a tough situation. You and your wife are not the first couple to find yourselves at this impasse. The only chance of getting through it is with empathy, respect, openness, trust, love, and support. So far, the only one you seem to have is love.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you are in the wrong here.

[Anonymous]

I don't believe that these are real facts. Having experienced my own infertility issues, there is no way that I would let so much time pass between giving birth and going back to the RE. Knowing we wanted a second child, we went back to consult with the clinic before our first was two, and we had a number of frozen embryos to work with. How old are you guys now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe that these are real facts. Having experienced my own infertility issues, there is no way that I would let so much time pass between giving birth and going back to the RE. Knowing we wanted a second child, we went back to consult with the clinic before our first was two, and we had a number of frozen embryos to work with. How old are you guys now?

OP says that he is 37. He also said that his wife was not ready until their older son was 3 years old, so probably she was driving some of the delay.

[Anonymous]

Man, this seems crazy. Children and fertility are such a gamble that I can't imagine leaving a husband (who is presumably perfectly good) over this. Is it possible she's unhappy in the marriage and this isn't about having a second child? I mean, you could have another child with major issues. Or she could keep trying and never get pregnant. I would understand zero vs 1 child, but 1 vs 2? I'm having a hard time empathizing with the wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, this seems crazy. Children and fertility are such a gamble that I can't imagine leaving a husband (who is presumably perfectly good) over this. Is it possible she's unhappy in the marriage and this isn't about having a second child? I mean, you could have another child with major issues. Or she could keep trying and never get pregnant. I would understand zero vs 1 child, but 1 vs 2? I'm having a hard time empathizing with the wife.

How many kids do you have? It’s a big difference between 1 and 2 kids. I would have never been able to accept a “no” from DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe that these are real facts. Having experienced my own infertility issues, there is no way that I would let so much time pass between giving birth and going back to the RE. Knowing we wanted a second child, we went back to consult with the clinic before our first was two, and we had a number of frozen embryos to work with. How old are you guys now?

OP says that he is 37. He also said that his wife was not ready until their older son was 3 years old, so probably she was driving some of the delay.

Ok, assuming that OP's wife is also 37, they are not necessarily too old (depending on the cause of infertility), but if I were OP's wife I would have demanded the conversation immediately upon being ready to start treatment again. Most people with infertility are really paranoid about their chances of conceiving again and aware of how fertility drops off a cliff as you age.

[Anonymous]

OP, let's say she leaves you. Do you think you will remarry? If so, and you marry someone younger (which most divorced men seem to do), you realize that the new wife may want a child, too? Are you going to be up front about not wanting anymore children with the new wife? Or maybe do you think you might change your mind with the new wife and have just one more? Who knows. Anything else possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, this seems crazy. Children and fertility are such a gamble that I can't imagine leaving a husband (who is presumably perfectly good) over this. Is it possible she's unhappy in the marriage and this isn't about having a second child? I mean, you could have another child with major issues. Or she could keep trying and never get pregnant. I would understand zero vs 1 child, but 1 vs 2? I'm having a hard time empathizing with the wife.

If I were the wife, it wouldn’t be just about the second kid anymore. I would feel completely betrayed and misled if I realized my husband was so dishonest with me. His wishy washiness just cost her several more years of fertility and youth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man, this seems crazy. Children and fertility are such a gamble that I can't imagine leaving a husband (who is presumably perfectly good) over this. Is it possible she's unhappy in the marriage and this isn't about having a second child? I mean, you could have another child with major issues. Or she could keep trying and never get pregnant. I would understand zero vs 1 child, but 1 vs 2? I'm having a hard time empathizing with the wife.

Did you read the OP's many post in this thread? I don't think we can presume he's "perfectly good" and I think that finding out his lying and manipulating would make me sour on an otherwise good marriage too.

[Anonymous]

Um, you DID jerk her around. Maybe not intentionally. But reading your post, it’s surprising to me that you don’t see how your behavior played with her emotions and led her to believe something that wasn’t true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe that these are real facts. Having experienced my own infertility issues, there is no way that I would let so much time pass between giving birth and going back to the RE. Knowing we wanted a second child, we went back to consult with the clinic before our first was two, and we had a number of frozen embryos to work with. How old are you guys now?

OP says that he is 37. He also said that his wife was not ready until their older son was 3 years old, so probably she was driving some of the delay.

And she's 40 and turning 41 next month.