Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a seven year old who doesn’t start camp until next week. Last week, my aunt babysat her, this week my ex’s mom is babysitting. I called last night to see how DD’s day is going and to say goodnight. This is something I do when she’s with my aunt or even her dad. He calls when she’s with me. Today, my ex called me and said his mom doesn’t want me calling her while DD is visiting. She thinks it’s getting in the way of her bonding time with DD. I never imagined it would be a problem to call my own child! I’m not calling to bother her, I just call more so to say goodnight. Am I missing something? Am I wrong for this?

Grandma is not entitled to special bonding time with her grandchild that is uninterrupted by the child's parents. If a nightly goodnight phone call from the child's mother disrupts the bonding process, then what is happening is inappropriate.

When I got divorced, my ex and I agreed that a nightly bedtime call with DD was appropriate unless there was something going on that prevented that call from occurring (e.g., DD fell asleep in the car on the way home, DD declines call, major time difference issue, etc.). When DD stayed with my mom and sister for a few days, they called my ex AND me at bedtime. When he took her on vacation to his mom's house, they called me every night. We continued this until DD said that she didn't need a nightly bedtime call anymore (she was around 6).

If you and your ex have agreed that a nightly bedtime call is appropriate, Grandma doesn't get to make that decision.

I guess you can stand on that hill and fight that battle, but I think your decision should be driven by the child. Does she need the call or is it for you? If it's just for you, let it go because in the scheme of things it won't matter and getting along is the higher road for the sake of your kid. If your daughter really really needs the call, you can figure it out how to make it happen. Like the other posters are asking, could it just be the timing? Or you can ask Grandma if every other day would work.

NP. Why should the child's mother be asking grandma if she can talk to her own child? That's ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a seven year old who doesn’t start camp until next week. Last week, my aunt babysat her, this week my ex’s mom is babysitting. I called last night to see how DD’s day is going and to say goodnight. This is something I do when she’s with my aunt or even her dad. He calls when she’s with me. Today, my ex called me and said his mom doesn’t want me calling her while DD is visiting. She thinks it’s getting in the way of her bonding time with DD. I never imagined it would be a problem to call my own child! I’m not calling to bother her, I just call more so to say goodnight. Am I missing something? Am I wrong for this?

Grandma is not entitled to special bonding time with her grandchild that is uninterrupted by the child's parents. If a nightly goodnight phone call from the child's mother disrupts the bonding process, then what is happening is inappropriate.

When I got divorced, my ex and I agreed that a nightly bedtime call with DD was appropriate unless there was something going on that prevented that call from occurring (e.g., DD fell asleep in the car on the way home, DD declines call, major time difference issue, etc.). When DD stayed with my mom and sister for a few days, they called my ex AND me at bedtime. When he took her on vacation to his mom's house, they called me every night. We continued this until DD said that she didn't need a nightly bedtime call anymore (she was around 6).

If you and your ex have agreed that a nightly bedtime call is appropriate, Grandma doesn't get to make that decision.

I guess you can stand on that hill and fight that battle, but I think your decision should be driven by the child. Does she need the call or is it for you? If it's just for you, let it go because in the scheme of things it won't matter and getting along is the higher road for the sake of your kid. If your daughter really really needs the call, you can figure it out how to make it happen. Like the other posters are asking, could it just be the timing? Or you can ask Grandma if every other day would work.

Obviously I don't know, but if Grandma's objection is that the call gets in the way of bonding, I doubt moving the call to a different time is going to change Grandma's mind about the call in general. As for whether it's for the child or the parent, I think you could argue that a 7yo doesn't get to make broad stroke policy decisions about things in her life. For example, my now-8yo doesn't like going to her dad's house on the weekends. She wants to stay with me. Should I just let her skip her weekends with her dad because that's what she wants? Or should I continue to send her in order to foster that relationship between them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a seven year old who doesn’t start camp until next week. Last week, my aunt babysat her, this week my ex’s mom is babysitting. I called last night to see how DD’s day is going and to say goodnight. This is something I do when she’s with my aunt or even her dad. He calls when she’s with me. Today, my ex called me and said his mom doesn’t want me calling her while DD is visiting. She thinks it’s getting in the way of her bonding time with DD. I never imagined it would be a problem to call my own child! I’m not calling to bother her, I just call more so to say goodnight. Am I missing something? Am I wrong for this?

Grandma is not entitled to special bonding time with her grandchild that is uninterrupted by the child's parents. If a nightly goodnight phone call from the child's mother disrupts the bonding process, then what is happening is inappropriate.

When I got divorced, my ex and I agreed that a nightly bedtime call with DD was appropriate unless there was something going on that prevented that call from occurring (e.g., DD fell asleep in the car on the way home, DD declines call, major time difference issue, etc.). When DD stayed with my mom and sister for a few days, they called my ex AND me at bedtime. When he took her on vacation to his mom's house, they called me every night. We continued this until DD said that she didn't need a nightly bedtime call anymore (she was around 6).

If you and your ex have agreed that a nightly bedtime call is appropriate, Grandma doesn't get to make that decision.

I guess you can stand on that hill and fight that battle, but I think your decision should be driven by the child. Does she need the call or is it for you? If it's just for you, let it go because in the scheme of things it won't matter and getting along is the higher road for the sake of your kid. If your daughter really really needs the call, you can figure it out how to make it happen. Like the other posters are asking, could it just be the timing? Or you can ask Grandma if every other day would work.

NP. Why should the child's mother be asking grandma if she can talk to her own child? That's ridiculous.

You didn't read the whole thread? Did you ever have a kid go to overnight camp? Kids can be perfectly fine and then breakdown when they hear from their mom and get homesick all of the sudden. Both my parents and ex-inlaws did weeks with my child and they appreciated that I didn't call everyday. Why make it hard for the grandparents because you need to talk to your child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a seven year old who doesn’t start camp until next week. Last week, my aunt babysat her, this week my ex’s mom is babysitting. I called last night to see how DD’s day is going and to say goodnight. This is something I do when she’s with my aunt or even her dad. He calls when she’s with me. Today, my ex called me and said his mom doesn’t want me calling her while DD is visiting. She thinks it’s getting in the way of her bonding time with DD. I never imagined it would be a problem to call my own child! I’m not calling to bother her, I just call more so to say goodnight. Am I missing something? Am I wrong for this?

Grandma is not entitled to special bonding time with her grandchild that is uninterrupted by the child's parents. If a nightly goodnight phone call from the child's mother disrupts the bonding process, then what is happening is inappropriate.

When I got divorced, my ex and I agreed that a nightly bedtime call with DD was appropriate unless there was something going on that prevented that call from occurring (e.g., DD fell asleep in the car on the way home, DD declines call, major time difference issue, etc.). When DD stayed with my mom and sister for a few days, they called my ex AND me at bedtime. When he took her on vacation to his mom's house, they called me every night. We continued this until DD said that she didn't need a nightly bedtime call anymore (she was around 6).

If you and your ex have agreed that a nightly bedtime call is appropriate, Grandma doesn't get to make that decision.

I guess you can stand on that hill and fight that battle, but I think your decision should be driven by the child. Does she need the call or is it for you? If it's just for you, let it go because in the scheme of things it won't matter and getting along is the higher road for the sake of your kid. If your daughter really really needs the call, you can figure it out how to make it happen. Like the other posters are asking, could it just be the timing? Or you can ask Grandma if every other day would work.

NP. Why should the child's mother be asking grandma if she can talk to her own child? That's ridiculous.

You didn't read the whole thread? Did you ever have a kid go to overnight camp? Kids can be perfectly fine and then breakdown when they hear from their mom and get homesick all of the sudden. Both my parents and ex-inlaws did weeks with my child and they appreciated that I didn't call everyday. Why make it hard for the grandparents because you need to talk to your child?

The rest of your post doesn't explain your suggestion that OP should ask grandma. Grandma shouldn't get a say in the matter and should be thankful for the time with her GC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It should always be about what is in the best interest of the child. It should not be about what MIL or anyone else wishes. If the child counts on and looks forward to a goodnight call from Mom then it should not be stripped from her. If the child finds the call intrusive ( I have a one child that feels this way) then that should be respected.

What does the child truly want? She should not be put in the middle of upsetting mom by not doing a nightly call and possibly upsetting grandma if she takes a nightly call.

Yes x 1000. Each child is different. My older sisters would have been fine not hearing from mom during a week at grandma’s, whereas my brother and I would have felt bereft. Ask your DD!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It should always be about what is in the best interest of the child. It should not be about what MIL or anyone else wishes. If the child counts on and looks forward to a goodnight call from Mom then it should not be stripped from her. If the child finds the call intrusive ( I have a one child that feels this way) then that should be respected.

What does the child truly want? She should not be put in the middle of upsetting mom by not doing a nightly call and possibly upsetting grandma if she takes a nightly call.

Yes x 1000. Each child is different. My older sisters would have been fine not hearing from mom during a week at grandma’s, whereas my brother and I would have felt bereft. Ask your DD!

YES!

[Anonymous]

The rest of your post doesn't explain your suggestion that OP should ask grandma. Grandma shouldn't get a say in the matter and should be thankful for the time with her GC.

She should be thankful? That's an odd way to put it. Grandparents can sue for visitation rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The rest of your post doesn't explain your suggestion that OP should ask grandma. Grandma shouldn't get a say in the matter and should be thankful for the time with her GC.

She should be thankful? That's an odd way to put it. Grandparents can sue for visitation rights.

She’s doing her son a favor. He should be thankful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a seven year old who doesn’t start camp until next week. Last week, my aunt babysat her, this week my ex’s mom is babysitting. I called last night to see how DD’s day is going and to say goodnight. This is something I do when she’s with my aunt or even her dad. He calls when she’s with me. Today, my ex called me and said his mom doesn’t want me calling her while DD is visiting. She thinks it’s getting in the way of her bonding time with DD. I never imagined it would be a problem to call my own child! I’m not calling to bother her, I just call more so to say goodnight. Am I missing something? Am I wrong for this?

Grandma is not entitled to special bonding time with her grandchild that is uninterrupted by the child's parents. If a nightly goodnight phone call from the child's mother disrupts the bonding process, then what is happening is inappropriate.

When I got divorced, my ex and I agreed that a nightly bedtime call with DD was appropriate unless there was something going on that prevented that call from occurring (e.g., DD fell asleep in the car on the way home, DD declines call, major time difference issue, etc.). When DD stayed with my mom and sister for a few days, they called my ex AND me at bedtime. When he took her on vacation to his mom's house, they called me every night. We continued this until DD said that she didn't need a nightly bedtime call anymore (she was around 6).

If you and your ex have agreed that a nightly bedtime call is appropriate, Grandma doesn't get to make that decision.

I guess you can stand on that hill and fight that battle, but I think your decision should be driven by the child. Does she need the call or is it for you? If it's just for you, let it go because in the scheme of things it won't matter and getting along is the higher road for the sake of your kid. If your daughter really really needs the call, you can figure it out how to make it happen. Like the other posters are asking, could it just be the timing? Or you can ask Grandma if every other day would work.

NP. Why should the child's mother be asking grandma if she can talk to her own child? That's ridiculous.

You didn't read the whole thread? Did you ever have a kid go to overnight camp? Kids can be perfectly fine and then breakdown when they hear from their mom and get homesick all of the sudden. Both my parents and ex-inlaws did weeks with my child and they appreciated that I didn't call everyday. Why make it hard for the grandparents because you need to talk to your child?

The rest of your post doesn't explain your suggestion that OP should ask grandma. Grandma shouldn't get a say in the matter and should be thankful for the time with her GC.

DP. I agree that Grandma shouldn't keep either parent from talking to the grandchild. However, I think it's rude of either parent to dictate when they talk to their child. Asking Grandma if there is a more convenient time is just plain courtesy. Grandma is watching the grandchild and may have plans or a routine. Asking when is a convenient time for a daily check-in is good manners. If Grandma has a routine and the nightly call is interfering with the routine, then I think the parents need to respect that and work with Grandma to find a different time.

I know my kids and if they were not spending the night with me and I called at bedtime, they would get excited and would be even harder to quiet down for bedtime. They love to talk to me and I love to talk to them, but it does wake them up. The few times I am away from home or they are away from me, I try to check in with them just after dinner time. A better time for them to be awake and still gives them time to settle down after I talk with them and get ready for bed. Definitely much less disruptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The rest of your post doesn't explain your suggestion that OP should ask grandma. Grandma shouldn't get a say in the matter and should be thankful for the time with her GC.

She should be thankful? That's an odd way to put it. Grandparents can sue for visitation rights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The rest of your post doesn't explain your suggestion that OP should ask grandma. Grandma shouldn't get a say in the matter and should be thankful for the time with her GC.

She should be thankful? That's an odd way to put it. Grandparents can sue for visitation rights.

Not in most states.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The rest of your post doesn't explain your suggestion that OP should ask grandma. Grandma shouldn't get a say in the matter and should be thankful for the time with her GC.

She should be thankful? That's an odd way to put it. Grandparents can sue for visitation rights.

Not in most states.

Whatever. "Thankful" is still weird. She's flesh and blood, not a house on the beach.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to your ex. You need to tell him that if your DD wants and expects this call, she needs to get it and his mother needs to butt out.

And no, grandparents do not have many rights when it comes to visitation in most states.

[Anonymous]

Reading posts like this is what make me never seriously consider divorce. I can’t imagine not being able to call you child at night when they are visiting a relative. The thought of not spending the holidays with my kids is just unbearable. Of course I would divorce under certain circumstances (drugs, abuse, untreated mental illness) so not trying to judge. I’m sure it’s hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The rest of your post doesn't explain your suggestion that OP should ask grandma. Grandma shouldn't get a say in the matter and should be thankful for the time with her GC.

She should be thankful? That's an odd way to put it. Grandparents can sue for visitation rights.

Not in most states.

Whatever. "Thankful" is still weird. She's flesh and blood, not a house on the beach.

Huh? So a person shouldn't be thankful that they're alive and well and get to spend time with her grandchild?