Ex husband asked me to stop calling his mom when our child is visiting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The rest of your post doesn't explain your suggestion that OP should ask grandma. Grandma shouldn't get a say in the matter and should be thankful for the time with her GC.

She should be thankful? That's an odd way to put it. Grandparents can sue for visitation rights.

Not in most states.

Whatever. "Thankful" is still weird. She's flesh and blood, not a house on the beach.

Huh? So a person shouldn't be thankful that they're alive and well and get to spend time with her grandchild?

Uh, no. I think we are interpreting it differently. It sounds an awful lot like she thinks they are doing grandma a favor and she should just shut up be grateful.

[Anonymous]

I come from a culture of strong family ties so it would take a lot to get a rise out of me, if that same culture also didn't prioritize parents. In this case, even if I was fond of grandma and had every intention of keeping her present in my child's life, I would actually bare my teeth for a moment so that grandma understands her place. The fact of the matter is that she is not your MIL anymore; whether or not she has access to your child to the extent she wants depends entirely on you. So I would make it clear to grandma that she either does as you, the mother, say, or she will find her time with her granddaughter curtailed or messed with in the future. Put some fear of god into her. You don't want me to call? Fine. No more overnights with your grandchild, then, until you learn to behave.

Grandparents like that need to understand that their access to their grandchild is entirely at the mercy of the mother, and they don't get to dictate to the mom what they'd like or not. Don't be afraid. Old people need grandchildren in their life more than grandchildren need them.

And come to think of it, I didn't see it mention anywhere that the time with grandma was happening on the ex's time. Is it?

[Anonymous]

And come to think of it, I didn't see it mention anywhere that the time with grandma was happening on the ex's time. Is it?

I don't think OP specified. But what she did say is that she didn't have childcare and had to rely on grandmother.

I think it's kind of crazy that grandmother is not wanting OP to call. But, OP left out a lot of details, like why and when she calls and how often she calls and how her child reacts to her calls. Regardless, when you are relying on someone for childcare, it's kind of their rules. Also, if it's on her ex's time, she isn't going to have any control over whether her child gets to continue seeing her grandmother.

[Anonymous]

I get the feeling that OO doesn’t “need” to call and DD would be just fine without a call—the nightly call is OP’s weird psycho reminder to grandma that OP is always there, and always in charge. A dynamic like that.

[Anonymous]

Buy your seven year old a simple, inexpensive cell phone. Teach him how to text. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the feeling that OO doesn’t “need” to call and DD would be just fine without a call—the nightly call is OP’s weird psycho reminder to grandma that OP is always there, and always in charge. A dynamic like that.

The mom is indeed always there and always in charge. Grandmother would do well to remember that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And come to think of it, I didn't see it mention anywhere that the time with grandma was happening on the ex's time. Is it?

I don't think OP specified. But what she did say is that she didn't have childcare and had to rely on grandmother.

I think it's kind of crazy that grandmother is not wanting OP to call. But, OP left out a lot of details, like why and when she calls and how often she calls and how her child reacts to her calls. Regardless, when you are relying on someone for childcare, it's kind of their rules. Also, if it's on her ex's time, she isn't going to have any control over whether her child gets to continue seeing her grandmother.

But life doesn't follow custody schedule, so OP does in fact have control over whether her child will continue to see her grandmother. Do birthdays fall neatly into custody schedules? Do school performances, games, recitals? Other stuff? If OP wants to, she can indeed minimize contact with grandmother, and that would be entirely her right as a parent.

LOL to following someone else's rules when you're relying on them for childcare. Wrong. OP can always find another nanny. Grandma can't find another grandchild. Bottom line is that it's her child, her rules, and grandma has to follow the rules if she wants to continue to see her grandchild. It's the mom's game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get the feeling that OO doesn’t “need” to call and DD would be just fine without a call—the nightly call is OP’s weird psycho reminder to grandma that OP is always there, and always in charge. A dynamic like that.

The mom is indeed always there and always in charge. Grandmother would do well to remember that.

Both parents are in charge. Not just the mother.

[Anonymous]

Grandma is not a parent and has no business parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And come to think of it, I didn't see it mention anywhere that the time with grandma was happening on the ex's time. Is it?

I don't think OP specified. But what she did say is that she didn't have childcare and had to rely on grandmother.

I think it's kind of crazy that grandmother is not wanting OP to call. But, OP left out a lot of details, like why and when she calls and how often she calls and how her child reacts to her calls. Regardless, when you are relying on someone for childcare, it's kind of their rules. Also, if it's on her ex's time, she isn't going to have any control over whether her child gets to continue seeing her grandmother.

But life doesn't follow custody schedule, so OP does in fact have control over whether her child will continue to see her grandmother. Do birthdays fall neatly into custody schedules? Do school performances, games, recitals? Other stuff? If OP wants to, she can indeed minimize contact with grandmother, and that would be entirely her right as a parent.

LOL to following someone else's rules when you're relying on them for childcare. Wrong. OP can always find another nanny. Grandma can't find another grandchild. Bottom line is that it's her child, her rules, and grandma has to follow the rules if she wants to continue to see her grandchild. It's the mom's game.

This is not true in joint custody situations. The father does have some say in the matter and can choose his mother to care for their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get the feeling that OO doesn’t “need” to call and DD would be just fine without a call—the nightly call is OP’s weird psycho reminder to grandma that OP is always there, and always in charge. A dynamic like that.

Calling your young child every night is a "weird psycho reminder"? That says a LOT more about you than anything else.