Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
DP... there are a lot of people who don't mind and find it ridiculous that people get offended over the smallest thing. I find that Americans are the most like this.

If a person has an accent, as in OP's scenario, why is it wrong to ask where they are from? Clearly, they are not from the US. You can be born to an American citizen, be an American citizen, but lived in a foreign country all your life with a foreign accent. I know someone like this. He gets asked all the time.. "where are you from", because with an accent clearly he's not from here, and people are just curious where he came from. They are not asking how much money he makes; what size shoe he wears. Those are very personal questions. But asking where he came from because of his accent is not a personal question. It's like asking a white person with no accent, "did you grow up around here"? That's not offensive so why is asking someone with a non American accent this same question so offensive?

My DH is not from here. He has an accent. He gets asked this all the time. Now, if you ask this question to someone who is not white and doesn't have an accent and expect them to tell you their ethnicity because you are assuming such a person is not American, then that's offensive.

Because it's nosy, in American culture. In different cultures, it might not be nosy. And in yet different cultures, it might be intolerably forward and rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if the person satisfies your curiosity and says, "Oh my family is originally from India" then what?

How many kids do you have?
Does you family l live close by?
if not, how often do you see them?
Do you have siblings? do they live close?
Would you like to drink wine this Friday?

[Anonymous]

Why are the people who think it's nosy or offensive to ask acting like a person's country of origin is some big secret or private information?

I'm happy to share with anyone where I was born and the story of how I grew up in the U.S. and so forth. It's a part of me, it's my story. Nothing about it is private.

If it were private for whatever reason, I'm sure I would have a stock answer ready and would give the person asking signals to not keep prying, or I'd change the subject myself.

If you ask me where I'm from originally I will be proud that you noticed there is something unique and interesting about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if the person satisfies your curiosity and says, "Oh my family is originally from India" then what?

How many kids do you have?
Does you family l live close by?
if not, how often do you see them?
Do you have siblings? do they live close?
Would you like to drink wine this Friday?

So just that one dip into ethnicity and it’s onto normal bullshit.
Yeah that will certainly come across great.

(Wtf did she even ask me that for if she was gonna dismiss it so quickly?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if the person satisfies your curiosity and says, "Oh my family is originally from India" then what?

How many kids do you have?
Does you family l live close by?
if not, how often do you see them?
Do you have siblings? do they live close?
Would you like to drink wine this Friday?

So just that one dip into ethnicity and it’s onto normal bullshit.
Yeah that will certainly come across great.

(Wtf did she even ask me that for if she was gonna dismiss it so quickly?)

I work in IT so pretty much everybody is from all over the world.

Dismiss... dang you are sensitive.

Does your family live close... no they live in Pakistan. Oh cool, how often do you visit them. They are coming for the summer. I go every other year.
or... My family lives in Puerto Rico so I go a few times a year. How is their home? Oh they are fine they have electricity and the kids are back to school but some of their friends had to move to the US to stay with family.
Do you have siblings? One brother lives in London. He is a research scientist. Wow, nice... have you visited?

I look Hispanic but I am actually 1/2 Irish and 1/2 American Indian, my family is from PA. I have family near Johnstown do they live near there? Yes actually, they live in Altoona.

[Anonymous]

Just ask what country her family is from originally?

[Anonymous]

I hope she says Virginia and looks at you like you’re stupid OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP... there are a lot of people who don't mind and find it ridiculous that people get offended over the smallest thing. I find that Americans are the most like this.

If a person has an accent, as in OP's scenario, why is it wrong to ask where they are from? Clearly, they are not from the US. You can be born to an American citizen, be an American citizen, but lived in a foreign country all your life with a foreign accent. I know someone like this. He gets asked all the time.. "where are you from", because with an accent clearly he's not from here, and people are just curious where he came from. They are not asking how much money he makes; what size shoe he wears. Those are very personal questions. But asking where he came from because of his accent is not a personal question. It's like asking a white person with no accent, "did you grow up around here"? That's not offensive so why is asking someone with a non American accent this same question so offensive?

My DH is not from here. He has an accent. He gets asked this all the time. Now, if you ask this question to someone who is not white and doesn't have an accent and expect them to tell you their ethnicity because you are assuming such a person is not American, then that's offensive.

Because it's nosy, in American culture. In different cultures, it might not be nosy. And in yet different cultures, it might be intolerably forward and rude.

Americans don't ever ask each other, "where did you grow up"? They find that rude? I never knew that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's sad that the culture of perceived microaggression has made asking someone where they are from a loaded question. I grew up understanding that this a basic conversation starter. SO much better than "what do you do?"

Agree with PP that asking if they grew up in the area is a reasonable alternative.

Well, sure, if you ask everybody, "Where are you from?" Do you do that? And what if OP's child's friend's mother answers, "Virginia"?

DH has a strong accent and is asked "where are you from" a lot -- and he responds to strangers, "I live in Virginia." He's not offended by the question but he finds this answer amusing because it drives people crazy.

That said, people closer to him (coworkers, new friends, etc.) get the real answer. He's said he never finds the question offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP... there are a lot of people who don't mind and find it ridiculous that people get offended over the smallest thing. I find that Americans are the most like this.

If a person has an accent, as in OP's scenario, why is it wrong to ask where they are from? Clearly, they are not from the US. You can be born to an American citizen, be an American citizen, but lived in a foreign country all your life with a foreign accent. I know someone like this. He gets asked all the time.. "where are you from", because with an accent clearly he's not from here, and people are just curious where he came from. They are not asking how much money he makes; what size shoe he wears. Those are very personal questions. But asking where he came from because of his accent is not a personal question. It's like asking a white person with no accent, "did you grow up around here"? That's not offensive so why is asking someone with a non American accent this same question so offensive?

My DH is not from here. He has an accent. He gets asked this all the time. Now, if you ask this question to someone who is not white and doesn't have an accent and expect them to tell you their ethnicity because you are assuming such a person is not American, then that's offensive.

Because it's nosy, in American culture. In different cultures, it might not be nosy. And in yet different cultures, it might be intolerably forward and rude.

Americans don't ever ask each other, "where did you grow up"? They find that rude? I never knew that.

Americans don't typically ask each other, "Where did you grow up?", as a question out of the blue -- in my experience. Like so many things, it depends on the context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No need to be hostile. I am about as pro-immigrant as it gets. But I know where all of my white and black friends are from. Where their parents live. Where they like to vacation. This is just normal chit chat when you are not worried about offending someone. Isn’t this just how new friends get to know each other? The girls seem to really really enjoy each other.

How did you find that stuff out about your white and black friends? I'm sure through natural conversation ... just let it happen as you build a relationship. No need to single it out. Treat them the same way you'd treat friends you don't think are exotic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:South American-born, Montgomery County-raised American citizen here. I speak perfect English, my parents speak with heavy accents.

We get asked where we are from all the time and I have never been offended by it. It's part of basic conversation when getting to know someone.

It's perfectly ok to ask and the only way anyone would be offended if there is something offensive in your tone or if you ask defensively in reaction to something.

Personally, I'd be more offended if people I'm building friendships with didn't ask me any personal details about me.

But if you said, "Montgomery County," and then OP followed up with more questions because she's curious about your accent/skin color/last name, wouldn't that start to get to you?

I'll admit I don't love it when people ask me if I'm Jewish (I am). It makes me feel like they've got some category of "how to relate to Jewish people" in their heads, and that they need to know before they can continue to interact with me.

My maiden name is commonly Jewish in the US but I am not Jewish (my family is Scandinavian). I'd have appreciated it if people would just ask to clarify rather than making assumptions. People always just assumed I was Jewish (both Jews and non-Jews). It's not a big deal but it did lead to misunderstandings. I never realized how often it happened until I married, changed my last name, and nobody makes that assumption anymore with DH's fairly generic English last name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP... there are a lot of people who don't mind and find it ridiculous that people get offended over the smallest thing. I find that Americans are the most like this.

If a person has an accent, as in OP's scenario, why is it wrong to ask where they are from? Clearly, they are not from the US. You can be born to an American citizen, be an American citizen, but lived in a foreign country all your life with a foreign accent. I know someone like this. He gets asked all the time.. "where are you from", because with an accent clearly he's not from here, and people are just curious where he came from. They are not asking how much money he makes; what size shoe he wears. Those are very personal questions. But asking where he came from because of his accent is not a personal question. It's like asking a white person with no accent, "did you grow up around here"? That's not offensive so why is asking someone with a non American accent this same question so offensive?

My DH is not from here. He has an accent. He gets asked this all the time. Now, if you ask this question to someone who is not white and doesn't have an accent and expect them to tell you their ethnicity because you are assuming such a person is not American, then that's offensive.

Because it's nosy, in American culture. In different cultures, it might not be nosy. And in yet different cultures, it might be intolerably forward and rude.

Americans don't ever ask each other, "where did you grow up"? They find that rude? I never knew that.

Americans don't typically ask each other, "Where did you grow up?", as a question out of the blue -- in my experience. Like so many things, it depends on the context.

I guess it depends on the area. I think it's a very common question in the DC area where so many people are from someplace else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
DP... there are a lot of people who don't mind and find it ridiculous that people get offended over the smallest thing. I find that Americans are the most like this.

If a person has an accent, as in OP's scenario, why is it wrong to ask where they are from? Clearly, they are not from the US. You can be born to an American citizen, be an American citizen, but lived in a foreign country all your life with a foreign accent. I know someone like this. He gets asked all the time.. "where are you from", because with an accent clearly he's not from here, and people are just curious where he came from. They are not asking how much money he makes; what size shoe he wears. Those are very personal questions. But asking where he came from because of his accent is not a personal question. It's like asking a white person with no accent, "did you grow up around here"? That's not offensive so why is asking someone with a non American accent this same question so offensive?

My DH is not from here. He has an accent. He gets asked this all the time. Now, if you ask this question to someone who is not white and doesn't have an accent and expect them to tell you their ethnicity because you are assuming such a person is not American, then that's offensive.

Because it's nosy, in American culture. In different cultures, it might not be nosy. And in yet different cultures, it might be intolerably forward and rude.

Americans don't ever ask each other, "where did you grow up"? They find that rude? I never knew that.

Americans don't typically ask each other, "Where did you grow up?", as a question out of the blue -- in my experience. Like so many things, it depends on the context.

Huh? I am a SAHM and have met lots of new moms over the years. One of the first we discuss (after meeting a few times and having an unpoken agreement we want to pursue a friendship) is “So did you grow up around here?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:South American-born, Montgomery County-raised American citizen here. I speak perfect English, my parents speak with heavy accents.

We get asked where we are from all the time and I have never been offended by it. It's part of basic conversation when getting to know someone.

It's perfectly ok to ask and the only way anyone would be offended if there is something offensive in your tone or if you ask defensively in reaction to something.

Personally, I'd be more offended if people I'm building friendships with didn't ask me any personal details about me.

But if you said, "Montgomery County," and then OP followed up with more questions because she's curious about your accent/skin color/last name, wouldn't that start to get to you?

I'll admit I don't love it when people ask me if I'm Jewish (I am). It makes me feel like they've got some category of "how to relate to Jewish people" in their heads, and that they need to know before they can continue to interact with me.

My maiden name is commonly Jewish in the US but I am not Jewish (my family is Scandinavian). I'd have appreciated it if people would just ask to clarify rather than making assumptions. People always just assumed I was Jewish (both Jews and non-Jews). It's not a big deal but it did lead to misunderstandings. I never realized how often it happened until I married, changed my last name, and nobody makes that assumption anymore with DH's fairly generic English last name.

Are you a Berg? That's my married last name and same thing here. The funny thing is that I happen to be Jewish, raising our kids Jewish. When I first introduced my BF (now DH) to folks, everyone thought he was also Jewish. He "passes". This wasn't important to us, it was just funny.