Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is fine to ask someone where they are from. But if they answer "Boston" it is NOT fine to follow up with "No where are you REALLY from?" Or "But where did your parents come from?"

DC area is pretty transient so even better is to ask, did you grow up around here?

Best of all is just to talk about where YOU are from and let people share if they want to. You have no need to know where this girls family immigrated from or when they did. So you are just curious, which is fine. But you can wait for a friendship to develop where the question wouldn't be at all rude. Like if mom says her mother is coming for a visit and she needs to pick her up at the airport.

I “appear” from elsewhere but grew up in the MD/DC area.
“where are you from?”
“I grew up in AACo.”
“No, I mean where is your family from?”
“My husband grew up in moco. My parents were both born and raised in baltimore.”
“No, I mean... what is your country of origin?”
“My parents’ families both came from germany.“ insert death stare smile
(I probably just outed myself)

The above conversation happens ALL THE TIME and i despise it.
If “i grew up in aaco” is followed with “really, what part bc i grew up in catonsville” then it’s absolutely fine. But when i say “I’m from here” and you don’t believe me?! Or don’t realize that there’s a long story there that I don’t want to get into at the cocktail party or over the copier or whatever?

Where in Germany?

[Anonymous]

it depends how well you know the person and how much follow up you ask. I am from mixed ethnicity and invariably the conversation goes like this:
Nosy person: where is your family originally from?
Me: X ethnicity, (or sometimes i say X and Y)
Nosy person: but you don't look too much like X?.... "while looking at me expectantly"
Me: well i have also Y mixed in there.
Nosy person: Oh really, who is Y and X ethnicities? How did they meet?
Me: oh, look, it seems its going to rain...
.....

or along those lines. When it is from a casual acquaintance or someone i don't know well, i really don't feel like getting into it. I am not offended, but it gets too personal for a casual conversation.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how many times white people walk up to other white people and ask about their country of origin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many times white people walk up to other white people and ask about their country of origin.

Rarely - though I have a distinctive name that makes people assume I am from a particular Western European country.

However. I am always asked where I am from. Context matters. Intent matters. It’s a common question when meeting people and making conversation. People can definitely follow-up with offensive (or micro-aggressive) questions. So context and intent really matter.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm white, but have a slight Vietnamese accent that emerges at certain times - like if I'm excited or stressed. I understand people's curiosity about it. Obviously there's a back story. I don't mind questions.

Some people dislike these kinds of questions, and others don't mind.

For a long time, many people tended to dismiss the feelings of those who don't like these questions.

I think we're moving into an era where people are becoming more sensitized to boundaries that used to be dismissed. That's a good thing. We seem to be getting neurotic about it. That's not a good thing. That said, these things tend to balance out eventually.

[Anonymous]

I've asked this question out of curiosity and developed great diverse friendships. But that was primarily in Miami where people value diversity and have not stepped on the microaggression train. Best to talk to DC people like you're at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is fine to ask someone where they are from. But if they answer "Boston" it is NOT fine to follow up with "No where are you REALLY from?" Or "But where did your parents come from?"

DC area is pretty transient so even better is to ask, did you grow up around here?

Best of all is just to talk about where YOU are from and let people share if they want to. You have no need to know where this girls family immigrated from or when they did. So you are just curious, which is fine. But you can wait for a friendship to develop where the question wouldn't be at all rude. Like if mom says her mother is coming for a visit and she needs to pick her up at the airport.

I “appear” from elsewhere but grew up in the MD/DC area.
“where are you from?”
“I grew up in AACo.”
“No, I mean where is your family from?”
“My husband grew up in moco. My parents were both born and raised in baltimore.”
“No, I mean... what is your country of origin?”
“My parents’ families both came from germany.“ insert death stare smile
(I probably just outed myself)

The above conversation happens ALL THE TIME and i despise it.
If “i grew up in aaco” is followed with “really, what part bc i grew up in catonsville” then it’s absolutely fine. But when i say “I’m from here” and you don’t believe me?! Or don’t realize that there’s a long story there that I don’t want to get into at the cocktail party or over the copier or whatever?

Where in Germany?

Nuremburg, actually. We still have distant relatives living in the ancestral family home.
PP’s question is fine... but nobody has ever asked me that as part of this kind of questioning. BC I don’t “look like” someone whose family comes from Germany, at all.
Actual questions bc you are interested are fine. Dumbass questions bc you are making assumptions based on my appearance are annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder how many times white people walk up to other white people and ask about their country of origin.

Rarely - though I have a distinctive name that makes people assume I am from a particular Western European country.

However. I am always asked where I am from. Context matters. Intent matters. It’s a common question when meeting people and making conversation. People can definitely follow-up with offensive (or micro-aggressive) questions. So context and intent really matter.

I always ask where people are from. I'm not from my local community and I like to find other people who are from out of the area. I use it to find commonalities, or just to get to know people better. Completely normal way to engage with people.

[Anonymous]

This is very easy. Where are you from? =/= What's your ethnicity?

Q: Where are you from?
Me: Brooklyn

Q: What's your ethnicity?
Me: Chinese

So if you want to know about someone's ethnic background, just ask about their ethnic background.

Fascinatingly enough, I grew up with a lot of white people of recent immigrant heritage (immigrants themselves or in the parent/grandparent generation from Eastern/Southern Europe) and they never got asked the "where are you from" question.

[Anonymous]

Why do you wanna know?

[Anonymous]

No one asks me where I'm from but I rarely ask people "where they are from" because I know it bothers some people and since I don't know WHO it bothers I skip it as I would rather not be offensive.

I also think people who are offended by this question should respond by asking the questioner how much money they make.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read all the responses, but I don’t see why you need to specifically ask about ancestory.

This is a pretty transient area though, so it seems perfectly norma to make small talk about where someone is from. I will ask people of all backgrounds “how did you end up in the DC area?” Then they can share what they want.

This is a really good approach.

[Anonymous]

OP, one thing you should definitely not say to someone who isn't white, "Wow, your English is really good."

I always answer, "I know, surprising for someone born in Detroit."

[Anonymous]

Well. Many white people love to tell you about their Irish or English ancestry. Italians love to tell you about their grandmother from Italy.

It’s sad someone who is non white has to be ashamed of their heritage.

[Anonymous]

Another ethnically Scandinavian Jacobson here. I'd rather people ask rather than looking at me oddly if I offhandedly mention church! I love explaining the naming system to people who've never heard it.