Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Huh? I am a SAHM and have met lots of new moms over the years. One of the first we discuss (after meeting a few times and having an unpoken agreement we want to pursue a friendship) is “So did you grow up around here?”

But "did you grow up around here?" is not the question that OP wants answered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Huh? I am a SAHM and have met lots of new moms over the years. One of the first we discuss (after meeting a few times and having an unpoken agreement we want to pursue a friendship) is “So did you grow up around here?”

But "did you grow up around here?" is not the question that OP wants answered.

Ding ding ding ding. Ohio or New Jersey isn't going to satisfy OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:South American-born, Montgomery County-raised American citizen here. I speak perfect English, my parents speak with heavy accents.

We get asked where we are from all the time and I have never been offended by it. It's part of basic conversation when getting to know someone.

It's perfectly ok to ask and the only way anyone would be offended if there is something offensive in your tone or if you ask defensively in reaction to something.

Personally, I'd be more offended if people I'm building friendships with didn't ask me any personal details about me.

But if you said, "Montgomery County," and then OP followed up with more questions because she's curious about your accent/skin color/last name, wouldn't that start to get to you?

I'll admit I don't love it when people ask me if I'm Jewish (I am). It makes me feel like they've got some category of "how to relate to Jewish people" in their heads, and that they need to know before they can continue to interact with me.

My maiden name is commonly Jewish in the US but I am not Jewish (my family is Scandinavian). I'd have appreciated it if people would just ask to clarify rather than making assumptions. People always just assumed I was Jewish (both Jews and non-Jews). It's not a big deal but it did lead to misunderstandings. I never realized how often it happened until I married, changed my last name, and nobody makes that assumption anymore with DH's fairly generic English last name.

Are you a Berg? That's my married last name and same thing here. The funny thing is that I happen to be Jewish, raising our kids Jewish. When I first introduced my BF (now DH) to folks, everyone thought he was also Jewish. He "passes". This wasn't important to us, it was just funny.

I know a Bergman and a Levy who are Catholic. Names would clearly suggest otherwise!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are as close to this family as you think you are, it will come up naturally.

Or not.

Please consider that it is not your "right" to have every curiosity satisfied. That goes for ethnicity/nationality, visible and invisible disabilities, cross-racial adoption, how same sex families became parents, and literally everything else.

I notice that white Americans often think "I was just curious" is a good enough excuse to make other people justify themselves, or explain their families.

It isn't.

+1000 from a biracial Asian who gets asked "what are you" on a regular basis

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It's sad that the culture of perceived microaggression has made asking someone where they are from a loaded question. I grew up understanding that this a basic conversation starter. SO much better than "what do you do?"

Agree with PP that asking if they grew up in the area is a reasonable alternative.

Well, sure, if you ask everybody, "Where are you from?" Do you do that? And what if OP's child's friend's mother answers, "Virginia"?

OP here. Yes, I do ask most new friends that. I am not from DC and I find it’s a nice chit chat topic. And if she said Virginia I would probably ask “which part?” and if she grew up around here I’d probably say “oh what high school did you go to?” This would seem like normal small talk to me.

Is it a crime to be culturally curious? Am I supposed to pretend I don’t notice? I have a good friend who is ethnically Persian but she just said so. And references it frequently. I appreciate that.

I promise I am not a troll and I’m honestly trying to do the right thing. Based on responses here, I will continue to say nothing about it at all.

OP, quit playing the victim and being dramatic. Of course it is not a crime, but it can be rude to ask nosy question, and different people have different ideas about what is nosy. The whole problem is that you haven't just tried to engage her in idle "where are you from" chit chat because that is not what you want to know. You think because she speaks with an accent that she was not born here and has an exotic ancestry and cultural customs that, if you could just find the right words, she could spend her time entertaining you with descriptions and educating you. Not her job to satisfy your "cultural curiosity".

If your children are good friends and you have a nice rapport, I suggest you try making friends with her instead of trying to find a polite way to turn her into a walking encyclopedia. Invite her in for coffee or tea. Have a conversation. Use social skills to determine if you are being to nosy as you might in a conversation with anyone. And as others have pointed out, where she is from is where she says she is from. Americans can have accents. Brown people with last names you haven't heard of can be from Virginia. If they don't add to that detail, it is not because they forgot or you didn't ask enough. It is because they have already given you an answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are as close to this family as you think you are, it will come up naturally.

Or not.

Please consider that it is not your "right" to have every curiosity satisfied. That goes for ethnicity/nationality, visible and invisible disabilities, cross-racial adoption, how same sex families became parents, and literally everything else.

I notice that white Americans often think "I was just curious" is a good enough excuse to make other people justify themselves, or explain their families.

It isn't.

+1000 from a biracial Asian who gets asked "what are you" on a regular basis

+1000 if the person appears to be Asian, other people really don't care.

[Anonymous]

“Why are the people who think it's nosy or offensive to ask acting like a person's country of origin is some big secret or private information?
”

+1
I do not feel people are prying private info out of me when I tell them I am from PA or that my family is mostly from Germany. This strikes me as normal chit chat.

“Where are you from” is a totally regular question.

[Anonymous]

Asking "Where you are from?" when the "Where are you really from?" is implied is a microaggresion and yes considered offensive.

It gets asked so often, that once mildly annoying, becomes bothersome. It implies, you don't belong here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I encourage all non-whites when asked about their place of origin to bark, "EARTH MUTHAF***KA WHERE DO YOU THINK?!!"
If it becomes pervasive enough maybe white folks will stop asking that dumb ass question.

Made me laugh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are as close to this family as you think you are, it will come up naturally.

Or not.

Please consider that it is not your "right" to have every curiosity satisfied. That goes for ethnicity/nationality, visible and invisible disabilities, cross-racial adoption, how same sex families became parents, and literally everything else.

I notice that white Americans often think "I was just curious" is a good enough excuse to make other people justify themselves, or explain their families.

It isn't.

Well said!

[Anonymous]

clickbait

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read all the responses, but I don’t see why you need to specifically ask about ancestory.

This is a pretty transient area though, so it seems perfectly norma to make small talk about where someone is from. I will ask people of all backgrounds “how did you end up in the DC area?” Then they can share what they want.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t read all the responses, but I don’t see why you need to specifically ask about ancestory.

This is a pretty transient area though, so it seems perfectly norma to make small talk about where someone is from. I will ask people of all backgrounds “how did you end up in the DC area?” Then they can share what they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:South American-born, Montgomery County-raised American citizen here. I speak perfect English, my parents speak with heavy accents.

We get asked where we are from all the time and I have never been offended by it. It's part of basic conversation when getting to know someone.

It's perfectly ok to ask and the only way anyone would be offended if there is something offensive in your tone or if you ask defensively in reaction to something.

Personally, I'd be more offended if people I'm building friendships with didn't ask me any personal details about me.

But if you said, "Montgomery County," and then OP followed up with more questions because she's curious about your accent/skin color/last name, wouldn't that start to get to you?

I'll admit I don't love it when people ask me if I'm Jewish (I am). It makes me feel like they've got some category of "how to relate to Jewish people" in their heads, and that they need to know before they can continue to interact with me.

My maiden name is commonly Jewish in the US but I am not Jewish (my family is Scandinavian). I'd have appreciated it if people would just ask to clarify rather than making assumptions. People always just assumed I was Jewish (both Jews and non-Jews). It's not a big deal but it did lead to misunderstandings. I never realized how often it happened until I married, changed my last name, and nobody makes that assumption anymore with DH's fairly generic English last name.

Are you a Berg? That's my married last name and same thing here. The funny thing is that I happen to be Jewish, raising our kids Jewish. When I first introduced my BF (now DH) to folks, everyone thought he was also Jewish. He "passes". This wasn't important to us, it was just funny.

Nope, a Jacobson. In a lot of the US it's most commonly Jewish but it also is Scandinavian just like all the other Scandinavian names that end in -son/-sen (Nielsen, Hansen, Larsen, Olson, etc. because in those countries, last names used to change every generation, son taking the father's name + -sen). My Minnesota cousins think it's weird that anyone would assume it's Jewish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, OP, I like you. I can relate to your ethnological curiosity and your commitment to stalking lol.

I was born and raised here and my parents came 45 years ago from South Asia. I am ALWAYS curious about other people's ethnicity and background (anthropology major), but I'm also decent at placing last names and facial features or mannerisms with countries of origin. That said, I know to keep those guesses to myself and wait for the other person to offer it up naturally.

Sometimes I'll get curious about an ambiguous name (especially Spanish or Portugese names on an Indian-looking person) and I'll google the surname. This should give you a lot of hits from people from a certain country or region.

I usually do not get offended when someone asks me where I'm from - you can tell their intention from the look in their eyes. If it's a harmless friend or even stranger, I'll say "I grew up in DC but my parents are from X". If it looks like a nosy busybody, racist, or someone I just don't feel like engaging with, then I'll just say DC and change the subject or walk away. If you are genuinely friendly with this mom, I don't think you'll offend her.

+1

As an Indian American (really half- Indian/half-white, but with an Indian name and appearance) who has live in numerous places in the US - I can tell why the person is asking. If it’s genuine curiosity, I answer. If it’s an attempt to categorize me because he or she is uncomfortable and can’t figure out what box I fit in (i.e. why am I brown and have a fun name) I’ll give a one-state answer and then have fun with the follow ups until the the person gives up or is forced to ask in an awkward way.