Is there a non-offensive way to ask where someone’s ancestors are from?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. No need to be hostile. I am about as pro-immigrant as it gets. But I know where all of my white and black friends are from. Where their parents live. Where they like to vacation. This is just normal chit chat when you are not worried about offending someone. Isn’t this just how new friends get to know each other? The girls seem to really really enjoy each other.

So have that chit chat -- "Did you grow up around here? Does Larla have grandparents nearby?"

Just avoid phrasing that makes it sound like you neeeeeeeed to know her ethnicity. The problem is, you do for some reason. Maybe think about that. If you can get past it, I suspect this information will come out in due course. As you say, it's normal conversation fodder.

[Anonymous]

I'm a (white) kid of immigrant parents and people ask my mom ALL the time where she is from. (My Dad had a British accent so he got asked less often, but still occasionally). My Mom is German, and after 50 years of living in the US it's changed enough that it's still a heavy accent but not as obviously German. She doesn't find it offensive, though she is sometimes a little embarrassed that her accent is still so strong.

That said, I think it's easy to be blasé about it when you are white. So I do try to be sensitive about asking people about their background. There's no need to ask an acquaintance, but if you develop a friendship you'll figure it out eventually. It usually comes up at naturally as you get to know people and then you don't need to ask. It will come up in the context of where they're spending vacation (visiting grandparents), or holiday traditions, or sharing a favorite recipe, or some geography project at school where the kids talk about their backgrounds.

[Anonymous]

If you are as close to this family as you think you are, it will come up naturally.

Or not.

Please consider that it is not your "right" to have every curiosity satisfied. That goes for ethnicity/nationality, visible and invisible disabilities, cross-racial adoption, how same sex families became parents, and literally everything else.

I notice that white Americans often think "I was just curious" is a good enough excuse to make other people justify themselves, or explain their families.

It isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I am curious if the mom grew up here, yes. Does that make me a bad person?

Just because you're curious doesn't mean it's OK to ask. I may be curious about whether you've ever cheated on your husband or whether you've always had that nose, but politeness requires me not to initiate that conversation.

Just to get to know them. Ask them questions you'd ask any other parent. (Any fun summer plans? Are you originally from this area? What teacher do you hope Larla gets for next year?) They'll share what they want to share with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are as close to this family as you think you are, it will come up naturally.

Or not.

Please consider that it is not your "right" to have every curiosity satisfied. That goes for ethnicity/nationality, visible and invisible disabilities, cross-racial adoption, how same sex families became parents, and literally everything else.

I notice that white Americans often think "I was just curious" is a good enough excuse to make other people justify themselves, or explain their families.

It isn't.

+1

[Anonymous]

Can you google their last name?

[Anonymous]

"So where are you from, originally?"

I am half white european, half asian, have a mixed accent because I have lived in many different countries, and am not American.

IT IS FINE TO ASK.

Americans get offended for the most irrational of reasons. It makes your case against true racism and xenophobia far less strong when you tear each other apart over ridiculous cases of "cultural appropriation" and weird hang-ups against asking people where they're from.

What's important is your tone. Be warm and friendly.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks. I knew it was a loaded question to ask here. I swear I am not racist. I am super nosy though - equally about all new people I meet. I immediately see if they have a FB page, search their address on whitepages.com, etc.

That said, message received. I’ll leave it be.

[Anonymous]

South American-born, Montgomery County-raised American citizen here. I speak perfect English, my parents speak with heavy accents.

We get asked where we are from all the time and I have never been offended by it. It's part of basic conversation when getting to know someone.

It's perfectly ok to ask and the only way anyone would be offended if there is something offensive in your tone or if you ask defensively in reaction to something.

Personally, I'd be more offended if people I'm building friendships with didn't ask me any personal details about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks. I knew it was a loaded question to ask here. I swear I am not racist. I am super nosy though - equally about all new people I meet. I immediately see if they have a FB page, search their address on whitepages.com, etc.

That said, message received. I’ll leave it be.

It's not necessary to treat her any differently (hey fellow nosy lady!). Just ask if she grew up here/where did she grow up. THIS IS A NORMAL QUESTION, especially somewhere like the DC area where there are a lot of transplants. If she says Wisconsin, it's fine to ask about how cold it was (or whatever). People ask me where I grew up all of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:South American-born, Montgomery County-raised American citizen here. I speak perfect English, my parents speak with heavy accents.

We get asked where we are from all the time and I have never been offended by it. It's part of basic conversation when getting to know someone.

It's perfectly ok to ask and the only way anyone would be offended if there is something offensive in your tone or if you ask defensively in reaction to something.

Personally, I'd be more offended if people I'm building friendships with didn't ask me any personal details about me.

But if you said, "Montgomery County," and then OP followed up with more questions because she's curious about your accent/skin color/last name, wouldn't that start to get to you?

I'll admit I don't love it when people ask me if I'm Jewish (I am). It makes me feel like they've got some category of "how to relate to Jewish people" in their heads, and that they need to know before they can continue to interact with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are as close to this family as you think you are, it will come up naturally.

Or not.

Please consider that it is not your "right" to have every curiosity satisfied. That goes for ethnicity/nationality, visible and invisible disabilities, cross-racial adoption, how same sex families became parents, and literally everything else.

I notice that white Americans often think "I was just curious" is a good enough excuse to make other people justify themselves, or explain their families.

It isn't.

So much this.

There's nothing wrong with being curious. But there is something wrong with being a nosy little busybody. If your new friend feels comfortable with you, things will come up organically. Why push and risk unwittingly hurting someone's feelings? I have always been a firm believer that if people want me to know something, they'll tell me. Otherwise it's none of my business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks. I knew it was a loaded question to ask here. I swear I am not racist. I am super nosy though - equally about all new people I meet. I immediately see if they have a FB page, search their address on whitepages.com, etc.

That said, message received. I’ll leave it be.

It's not necessary to treat her any differently (hey fellow nosy lady!). Just ask if she grew up here/where did she grow up. THIS IS A NORMAL QUESTION, especially somewhere like the DC area where there are a lot of transplants. If she says Wisconsin, it's fine to ask about how cold it was (or whatever). People ask me where I grew up all of the time.

This. The offense isn't asking, "Where are you from?" It's when they say, "I'm from California," and you say, "But where are you REALLY from?"

Asking someone where they are from is fine. Hell, if someone has a noticeable accent, I think it's fine to ask about that. It's rude to treat non-white Americans as though they are REALLY from somewhere else, but it's not rude to ask people where they are from.

That said, stop stalking people you just met online. Creepy.

[Anonymous]

While many posters here recognize that it might be a tricky question, I'm surprised by those who are offended by the question. Surely it is racist to think it's fine to ask a white person about their background or accent but not ask somebody who obviously comes from a non-white European background. For the record, I am white and non-American. I am asked all the time about my accent, often by black Americans. I am never offended. Of course, I don't have the historical baggage and so would never assume that asking a non-white person the same question would automatically be construed as racism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks. I knew it was a loaded question to ask here. I swear I am not racist. I am super nosy though - equally about all new people I meet. I immediately see if they have a FB page, search their address on whitepages.com, etc.

That said, message received. I’ll leave it be.

It's not necessary to treat her any differently (hey fellow nosy lady!). Just ask if she grew up here/where did she grow up. THIS IS A NORMAL QUESTION, especially somewhere like the DC area where there are a lot of transplants. If she says Wisconsin, it's fine to ask about how cold it was (or whatever). People ask me where I grew up all of the time.

This. The offense isn't asking, "Where are you from?" It's when they say, "I'm from California," and you say, "But where are you REALLY from?"

Asking someone where they are from is fine. Hell, if someone has a noticeable accent, I think it's fine to ask about that. It's rude to treat non-white Americans as though they are REALLY from somewhere else, but it's not rude to ask people where they are from.

That said, stop stalking people you just met online. Creepy.

OP here. Never gonna happen.