How to get teen to obey

[Anonymous]

my teen lost her bedroom door for continued slamming of said door. I finally said 'if you slam that door again, it's gone". she promptly slammed it and it was off the hinges within 10 minutes.
it was a wake up call that we laugh about now 5 years later.
she does say that I was stricter than most moms but just yesterday she thanked me for sending her to college with some basic "take care of your surroundings" skills. she struggled with roommates freshman year who didnt know how to live without their moms (or housekeepers?) picking up after them or providing everything magically (my kid was the only one to buy to for their suite all year).
remember. we are all trying to grow responsible adults.

[Anonymous]

toilet paper. my kid was the only one to go across the street to cvs to get tp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:my teen lost her bedroom door for continued slamming of said door. I finally said 'if you slam that door again, it's gone". she promptly slammed it and it was off the hinges within 10 minutes.
it was a wake up call that we laugh about now 5 years later.
she does say that I was stricter than most moms but just yesterday she thanked me for sending her to college with some basic "take care of your surroundings" skills. she struggled with roommates freshman year who didnt know how to live without their moms (or housekeepers?) picking up after them or providing everything magically (my kid was the only one to buy to for their suite all year).
remember. we are all trying to grow responsible adults.

Losing the door is a logical consequence of slamming the door. Losing the door is not a logical consequence of failing to pick up socks or take your dishes to the kitchen or leave your hairbrush lying around or...

[Anonymous]

OP, my son was exactly like yours 10 years ago. I really feel for you, it was a tough situation. Every strategy I tried did not work, just made things worse. I finally realized that I couldn’t change him, I could only change myself. I ended up doing the opposite of what most PPs have been saying. I basically ignored everything he did or didn’t do, didn’t ask him to help, and just spoke to him in a friendly way, no matter how irritating his behavior was. I changed my mindset to unconditional love, and expected nothing in return, no chores, no obedience, hardest thing I ever lived through. But by changing my response to him, a miracle occurred. He eventually started talking to me. He smiled more, our relationship improved. Little by little, he matured, and started doing nice things to help out. Believe me, it was such a struggle for me. But by treating him respectfully, even though he was disrespectful toward me, things really turned around. It was really hard to not pick up his rope and engage in his game. I’m not sure it would work with your son, but it’s worth a try. My son is now a responsible young adult and we have a great relationship. Good luck op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my son was exactly like yours 10 years ago. I really feel for you, it was a tough situation. Every strategy I tried did not work, just made things worse. I finally realized that I couldn’t change him, I could only change myself. I ended up doing the opposite of what most PPs have been saying. I basically ignored everything he did or didn’t do, didn’t ask him to help, and just spoke to him in a friendly way, no matter how irritating his behavior was. I changed my mindset to unconditional love, and expected nothing in return, no chores, no obedience, hardest thing I ever lived through. But by changing my response to him, a miracle occurred. He eventually started talking to me. He smiled more, our relationship improved. Little by little, he matured, and started doing nice things to help out. Believe me, it was such a struggle for me. But by treating him respectfully, even though he was disrespectful toward me, things really turned around. It was really hard to not pick up his rope and engage in his game. I’m not sure it would work with your son, but it’s worth a try. My son is now a responsible young adult and we have a great relationship. Good luck op.

NP. Thank you for sharing. I just recently came to the same decision and wondered if I was doing the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my son was exactly like yours 10 years ago. I really feel for you, it was a tough situation. Every strategy I tried did not work, just made things worse. I finally realized that I couldn’t change him, I could only change myself. I ended up doing the opposite of what most PPs have been saying. I basically ignored everything he did or didn’t do, didn’t ask him to help, and just spoke to him in a friendly way, no matter how irritating his behavior was. I changed my mindset to unconditional love, and expected nothing in return, no chores, no obedience, hardest thing I ever lived through. But by changing my response to him, a miracle occurred. He eventually started talking to me. He smiled more, our relationship improved. Little by little, he matured, and started doing nice things to help out. Believe me, it was such a struggle for me. But by treating him respectfully, even though he was disrespectful toward me, things really turned around. It was really hard to not pick up his rope and engage in his game. I’m not sure it would work with your son, but it’s worth a try. My son is now a responsible young adult and we have a great relationship. Good luck op.

NP. Thank you for sharing. I just recently came to the same decision and wondered if I was doing the right thing.

I did the same thing. It waxes and wanes but our relationship was better in a matter of weeks.

It's the nagging thing, we just don't see it that way we see it as discipline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my son was exactly like yours 10 years ago. I really feel for you, it was a tough situation. Every strategy I tried did not work, just made things worse. I finally realized that I couldn’t change him, I could only change myself. I ended up doing the opposite of what most PPs have been saying. I basically ignored everything he did or didn’t do, didn’t ask him to help, and just spoke to him in a friendly way, no matter how irritating his behavior was. I changed my mindset to unconditional love, and expected nothing in return, no chores, no obedience, hardest thing I ever lived through. But by changing my response to him, a miracle occurred. He eventually started talking to me. He smiled more, our relationship improved. Little by little, he matured, and started doing nice things to help out. Believe me, it was such a struggle for me. But by treating him respectfully, even though he was disrespectful toward me, things really turned around. It was really hard to not pick up his rope and engage in his game. I’m not sure it would work with your son, but it’s worth a try. My son is now a responsible young adult and we have a great relationship. Good luck op.

NP. Thank you for sharing. I just recently came to the same decision and wondered if I was doing the right thing.

I did the same thing. It waxes and wanes but our relationship was better in a matter of weeks.

It's the nagging thing, we just don't see it that way we see it as discipline.

Honestly, I’ve never been a nag because I’ve akways had to pick my battles. But I see it as parenting- teaching her to be polite, follow rules, take care of her things, how to treat people, be responsible, life skills like cleaning and laundry, but she thinks any expectations or accountability is oppressive. I feel like all that’s left for me to try is to give up and cross my fingers that we’ve modeled well enough she’ll do these things when she matures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my teen lost her bedroom door for continued slamming of said door. I finally said 'if you slam that door again, it's gone". she promptly slammed it and it was off the hinges within 10 minutes.
it was a wake up call that we laugh about now 5 years later.
she does say that I was stricter than most moms but just yesterday she thanked me for sending her to college with some basic "take care of your surroundings" skills. she struggled with roommates freshman year who didnt know how to live without their moms (or housekeepers?) picking up after them or providing everything magically (my kid was the only one to buy to for their suite all year).
remember. we are all trying to grow responsible adults.

Losing the door is a logical consequence of slamming the door. Losing the door is not a logical consequence of failing to pick up socks or take your dishes to the kitchen or leave your hairbrush lying around or...

You don't understand how punishment works. It is not necessary or even desirable for the punishment to have some "logical" connection to the infraction. It is only necessary for the punishment to be something the target dislikes - i.e., punishment must punish - so that they understand that when you tell them to do something (or not do something), disobedience will be painful for them. Take away phone, take away screen time, ground them, take away their door, none of this has a "logical" connection to most infractions, but it gets their attention precisely because they dislike it intensely.

It is not a bad thing for them to have a question mark in their mind, "what will mom do if I defy her?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my teen lost her bedroom door for continued slamming of said door. I finally said 'if you slam that door again, it's gone". she promptly slammed it and it was off the hinges within 10 minutes.
it was a wake up call that we laugh about now 5 years later.
she does say that I was stricter than most moms but just yesterday she thanked me for sending her to college with some basic "take care of your surroundings" skills. she struggled with roommates freshman year who didnt know how to live without their moms (or housekeepers?) picking up after them or providing everything magically (my kid was the only one to buy to for their suite all year).
remember. we are all trying to grow responsible adults.

Losing the door is a logical consequence of slamming the door. Losing the door is not a logical consequence of failing to pick up socks or take your dishes to the kitchen or leave your hairbrush lying around or...

You don't understand how punishment works. It is not necessary or even desirable for the punishment to have some "logical" connection to the infraction. It is only necessary for the punishment to be something the target dislikes - i.e., punishment must punish - so that they understand that when you tell them to do something (or not do something), disobedience will be painful for them. Take away phone, take away screen time, ground them, take away their door, none of this has a "logical" connection to most infractions, but it gets their attention precisely because they dislike it intensely.

It is not a bad thing for them to have a question mark in their mind, "what will mom do if I defy her?"

Yes, if obedience to parental authority is your goal, then your approach works (for as long as your child is under your control). But obedience to parental authority is not my goal. Raising a responsible, self-directed adult is my goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my teen lost her bedroom door for continued slamming of said door. I finally said 'if you slam that door again, it's gone". she promptly slammed it and it was off the hinges within 10 minutes.
it was a wake up call that we laugh about now 5 years later.
she does say that I was stricter than most moms but just yesterday she thanked me for sending her to college with some basic "take care of your surroundings" skills. she struggled with roommates freshman year who didnt know how to live without their moms (or housekeepers?) picking up after them or providing everything magically (my kid was the only one to buy to for their suite all year).
remember. we are all trying to grow responsible adults.

Losing the door is a logical consequence of slamming the door. Losing the door is not a logical consequence of failing to pick up socks or take your dishes to the kitchen or leave your hairbrush lying around or...

You don't understand how punishment works. It is not necessary or even desirable for the punishment to have some "logical" connection to the infraction. It is only necessary for the punishment to be something the target dislikes - i.e., punishment must punish - so that they understand that when you tell them to do something (or not do something), disobedience will be painful for them. Take away phone, take away screen time, ground them, take away their door, none of this has a "logical" connection to most infractions, but it gets their attention precisely because they dislike it intensely.

It is not a bad thing for them to have a question mark in their mind, "what will mom do if I defy her?"

Yes, if obedience to parental authority is your goal, then your approach works (for as long as your child is under your control). But obedience to parental authority is not my goal. Raising a responsible, self-directed adult is my goal.

Mine too. Not working. How do you do it? And how sure are you that your approach is one size fits all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:my teen lost her bedroom door for continued slamming of said door. I finally said 'if you slam that door again, it's gone". she promptly slammed it and it was off the hinges within 10 minutes.
it was a wake up call that we laugh about now 5 years later.
she does say that I was stricter than most moms but just yesterday she thanked me for sending her to college with some basic "take care of your surroundings" skills. she struggled with roommates freshman year who didnt know how to live without their moms (or housekeepers?) picking up after them or providing everything magically (my kid was the only one to buy to for their suite all year).
remember. we are all trying to grow responsible adults.

Losing the door is a logical consequence of slamming the door. Losing the door is not a logical consequence of failing to pick up socks or take your dishes to the kitchen or leave your hairbrush lying around or...

You don't understand how punishment works. It is not necessary or even desirable for the punishment to have some "logical" connection to the infraction. It is only necessary for the punishment to be something the target dislikes - i.e., punishment must punish - so that they understand that when you tell them to do something (or not do something), disobedience will be painful for them. Take away phone, take away screen time, ground them, take away their door, none of this has a "logical" connection to most infractions, but it gets their attention precisely because they dislike it intensely.

It is not a bad thing for them to have a question mark in their mind, "what will mom do if I defy her?"

Yes, if obedience to parental authority is your goal, then your approach works (for as long as your child is under your control). But obedience to parental authority is not my goal. Raising a responsible, self-directed adult is my goal.

To raise a responsible, self-directed adult, you have to raise first an obedient child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

To raise a responsible, self-directed adult, you have to raise first an obedient child.

I disagree.

Also, we're not talking about children, we're talking about teenagers who will be out on their own in the adult world in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

To raise a responsible, self-directed adult, you have to raise first an obedient child.

I disagree.

Also, we're not talking about children, we're talking about teenagers who will be out on their own in the adult world in a few years.

New poster, I also don't think you want an "obedient" child. You want a child who can think. This is how children are abused by authority they never learn to think, assess, understand... they just obey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my son was exactly like yours 10 years ago. I really feel for you, it was a tough situation. Every strategy I tried did not work, just made things worse. I finally realized that I couldn’t change him, I could only change myself. I ended up doing the opposite of what most PPs have been saying. I basically ignored everything he did or didn’t do, didn’t ask him to help, and just spoke to him in a friendly way, no matter how irritating his behavior was. I changed my mindset to unconditional love, and expected nothing in return, no chores, no obedience, hardest thing I ever lived through. But by changing my response to him, a miracle occurred. He eventually started talking to me. He smiled more, our relationship improved. Little by little, he matured, and started doing nice things to help out. Believe me, it was such a struggle for me. But by treating him respectfully, even though he was disrespectful toward me, things really turned around. It was really hard to not pick up his rope and engage in his game. I’m not sure it would work with your son, but it’s worth a try. My son is now a responsible young adult and we have a great relationship. Good luck op.

NP. Thank you for sharing. I just recently came to the same decision and wondered if I was doing the right thing.

I did the same thing. It waxes and wanes but our relationship was better in a matter of weeks.

It's the nagging thing, we just don't see it that way we see it as discipline.

Honestly, I’ve never been a nag because I’ve akways had to pick my battles. But I see it as parenting- teaching her to be polite, follow rules, take care of her things, how to treat people, be responsible, life skills like cleaning and laundry, but she thinks any expectations or accountability is oppressive. I feel like all that’s left for me to try is to give up and cross my fingers that we’ve modeled well enough she’ll do these things when she matures.

Laundry is a good example. You don't have to nag them, direct them, tell them it is time to do laundry. Either they have clean clothes or they wear dirty clothes. Unless you are dealing with some disability, most kids want clean clothes.

You just let it be. My child has had to wear dirty clothes, spray them with febreeze... that is learning.

Most mom's would have freaked out and punished the child, I let him wear dirty clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t flame me, but my teen has started being openly defiant. I’ve already taken away his phone. That’s really the only thing he cares about. Now that I have the phone, I have no other leverage. For example, I ask him to pick up something that he left in the living room and he says, “No. It’s ok. I don’t need to do that right now.” And I say,”Yes. You do. I’m telling you to do it now.” And he just sits there. What do you do?

OMG OP listen to me, please--I had this issue. Don't go head-to-head like this! It totally backfires and GETS WORSE! (Trust me, I know). DCUM saved me, and here is my chance to pay it forward....buy this book, "Yes, Your Teen is Crazy!" right now on amazon.

And the short story is you are still a good parent if you let him leave his crap all over the house and say nothing, and pick it up yourself when he's not around. (I know, sounds totally wrong, but THIS will work. It's counter-intuitive)

NP here and I worry that if I do this then my boys will grow up to be men who leave things around the house and wait for their wives to pick it up.

My mom used to pick up after my brothers and they grew up to be men who expect this of their wives.