How to get teen to obey

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grounded. Loses all privileges. Not just no phone, no TV, no electronics, no Wifi.

He loses the door to his bedroom.

Then he does extra chores to earn things back, one by one.

Do not do this.

I say definitely do this or else you'll have a defiant 30 year old who you "can't" get to move out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"This will work? How? He'll just laugh and let you keep doing all the work."

No actually he won't because the work won't get done the way he wants it done.

Back during the stone age, my mother got me to do my own laundry by starching my jeans.

We got our DS to "clean his room" by spending one Friday while he was at school cleaning his room within an inch of it's life.

His room went from a pile of everything he owned from the time he was 6 to having shelves and filing cabinets with everything having a specific place.

He didn't know where half his stuff was for at least a month.

You don't have to do anything quite so dramatic but he will do a lot of work to keep you from doing it your way.

My mom used to do that when I was a teen when she couldn't stand it anymore. I would get mad, complain, argue but it didn't effect my behavior. When she threatened to do it, I would get upset but would make no effort to clean up. I honestly was probably happy to have an organized and clean space without having to do the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When my teen leaves too much stuff lying around, I give a deadline for when it has to be cleaned up or I will clean it up and if I clean up it gets thrown out and my teen knows I mean it.

She left a new pair of sandals lying around and she thought for sure I would just put them away for her. Nope. I put them in the donation bag and donated them. No reminders, no yelling, no fussing on my part. I had given her the deadline and she didn't put them away so I reasoned she didn't want them or care about them. She had an old pair of sandals she could wear or other shoes or she could earn money and buy herself another pair. Yes, it hurt to donate a brand new pair of shoes but she now knows I am serious.

Who pays for the stuff you donated?

Yeah. This just seems like throwing money away. I might put them away and make her earn them back.

PP here and it only took one pair of sandals for her to take me seriously.
It was more than worth my $35 so that now when I say "clean up by this date/time or I will toss it", I have no arguments or shouting matches and it gets cleaned up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"This will work? How? He'll just laugh and let you keep doing all the work."

No actually he won't because the work won't get done the way he wants it done.

Back during the stone age, my mother got me to do my own laundry by starching my jeans.

We got our DS to "clean his room" by spending one Friday while he was at school cleaning his room within an inch of it's life.

His room went from a pile of everything he owned from the time he was 6 to having shelves and filing cabinets with everything having a specific place.

He didn't know where half his stuff was for at least a month.

You don't have to do anything quite so dramatic but he will do a lot of work to keep you from doing it your way.

My mom used to do that when I was a teen when she couldn't stand it anymore. I would get mad, complain, argue but it didn't effect my behavior. When she threatened to do it, I would get upset but would make no effort to clean up. I honestly was probably happy to have an organized and clean space without having to do the work.

And your mother was probably happy to have your room be clean. So it was a solution that everybody could live with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grounded. Loses all privileges. Not just no phone, no TV, no electronics, no Wifi.

He loses the door to his bedroom.

Then he does extra chores to earn things back, one by one.

Agree. Who are the idiots saying let give him a measure of freedom in putting things away? He can have freedom in chores when he pays rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He put the items in the living room before school on purpose because he knew I wanted it decluttered for guests coming today. He was about to leave for school. If he didn’t move it then, I would have to move it. And in fact, saying, “Please clean your mess before dinner.” Just results in... him not cleaning his mess before dinner. I’m actually not a super authoritarian person in general. He’s going out of his way to be defiant and that’s what I need help sorting out.

Throw his crap out if he doesn't move it. Too bad, so sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grounded. Loses all privileges. Not just no phone, no TV, no electronics, no Wifi.

He loses the door to his bedroom.

Then he does extra chores to earn things back, one by one.

Agree. Who are the idiots saying let give him a measure of freedom in putting things away? He can have freedom in chores when he pays rent.

He doesn't need to do any chores if he pays rent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He put the items in the living room before school on purpose because he knew I wanted it decluttered for guests coming today. He was about to leave for school. If he didn’t move it then, I would have to move it. And in fact, saying, “Please clean your mess before dinner.” Just results in... him not cleaning his mess before dinner. I’m actually not a super authoritarian person in general. He’s going out of his way to be defiant and that’s what I need help sorting out.

Throw his crap out if he doesn't move it. Too bad, so sad.

OP said it was her stuff. Too bad, so sad.

[Anonymous]

So, OP, do you not have a husband to help you with your defiant teen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grounded. Loses all privileges. Not just no phone, no TV, no electronics, no Wifi.

He loses the door to his bedroom.

Then he does extra chores to earn things back, one by one.

Agree. Who are the idiots saying let give him a measure of freedom in putting things away? He can have freedom in chores when he pays rent.

Really? If your kid paid you rent, you'd let your kid live with you without doing any chores?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read that book. I've been trying to be flexible, but he pushes until he basically decided that he doesn't have to do anything I've asked him to do. Chores, speaking politely, discussing plans, going to bed at a reasonable hour etc etc etc. He seems to want/need boundaries, but I'm having trouble setting them largely because now that I have his phone, I don't have any other leverage.

OP, you've established that the "Do what I want or I'll take your stuff" strategy doesn't work for you and your son. Which isn't surprising; it doesn't work for a lot of people, and for the people it does work for, I wonder what kind of parent-child relationship they have when the children are adults.

So, now what? If you're out of ideas, and you've read books but they weren't helpful, then how about parenting classes or parent counseling?

This. I was defiant as a teen. My parents pulled the bullshit of all privileges and i went full rebellion. Some people aren’t built to obey like someone’s dog. And as for a relationship later in life, we didn’t have one for well over a decade after I left the house the day after graduating Highschool.

Asking you to do a reasonable share of household chores; asking you to clean up your own mess in the common areas; asking you to keep your room clean -- were these some examples of them treating you like a dog? I can see why you'd want to flee a crushing tyranny like that, and never look back. Quite obviously they should have just paid for everything, let you treat them like servants who existed to cook and clean for you, and never complained or pestered you with any chores that needed doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grounded. Loses all privileges. Not just no phone, no TV, no electronics, no Wifi.

He loses the door to his bedroom.

Then he does extra chores to earn things back, one by one.

Agree. Who are the idiots saying let give him a measure of freedom in putting things away? He can have freedom in chores when he pays rent.

Really? If your kid paid you rent, you'd let your kid live with you without doing any chores?

Why would my kid pay me rent and do chores if the rent is at market rates. I lived in dorms and with roommates for years. We paid for the common area cleaners and left each respective areas alone. It was important to match in terms of clutter/cleanliness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This. I was defiant as a teen. My parents pulled the bullshit of all privileges and i went full rebellion. Some people aren’t built to obey like someone’s dog. And as for a relationship later in life, we didn’t have one for well over a decade after I left the house the day after graduating Highschool.

Asking you to do a reasonable share of household chores; asking you to clean up your own mess in the common areas; asking you to keep your room clean -- were these some examples of them treating you like a dog? I can see why you'd want to flee a crushing tyranny like that, and never look back. Quite obviously they should have just paid for everything, let you treat them like servants who existed to cook and clean for you, and never complained or pestered you with any chores that needed doing.

PP wasn't commenting about the reasonableness of the requests, eh? PP was commenting about what PP's parents did when PP didn't do as requested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read that book. I've been trying to be flexible, but he pushes until he basically decided that he doesn't have to do anything I've asked him to do. Chores, speaking politely, discussing plans, going to bed at a reasonable hour etc etc etc. He seems to want/need boundaries, but I'm having trouble setting them largely because now that I have his phone, I don't have any other leverage.

OP, you've established that the "Do what I want or I'll take your stuff" strategy doesn't work for you and your son. Which isn't surprising; it doesn't work for a lot of people, and for the people it does work for, I wonder what kind of parent-child relationship they have when the children are adults.

So, now what? If you're out of ideas, and you've read books but they weren't helpful, then how about parenting classes or parent counseling?

This. I was defiant as a teen. My parents pulled the bullshit of all privileges and i went full rebellion. Some people aren’t built to obey like someone’s dog. And as for a relationship later in life, we didn’t have one for well over a decade after I left the house the day after graduating Highschool.

Asking you to do a reasonable share of household chores; asking you to clean up your own mess in the common areas; asking you to keep your room clean -- were these some examples of them treating you like a dog? I can see why you'd want to flee a crushing tyranny like that, and never look back. Quite obviously they should have just paid for everything, let you treat them like servants who existed to cook and clean for you, and never complained or pestered you with any chores that needed doing.

You really think taking the door off your kids room because they didn’t pick something up from the floor (OP’s example) is an appropriate response?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read that book. I've been trying to be flexible, but he pushes until he basically decided that he doesn't have to do anything I've asked him to do. Chores, speaking politely, discussing plans, going to bed at a reasonable hour etc etc etc. He seems to want/need boundaries, but I'm having trouble setting them largely because now that I have his phone, I don't have any other leverage.

OP, you've established that the "Do what I want or I'll take your stuff" strategy doesn't work for you and your son. Which isn't surprising; it doesn't work for a lot of people, and for the people it does work for, I wonder what kind of parent-child relationship they have when the children are adults.

So, now what? If you're out of ideas, and you've read books but they weren't helpful, then how about parenting classes or parent counseling?

This. I was defiant as a teen. My parents pulled the bullshit of all privileges and i went full rebellion. Some people aren’t built to obey like someone’s dog. And as for a relationship later in life, we didn’t have one for well over a decade after I left the house the day after graduating Highschool.

Asking you to do a reasonable share of household chores; asking you to clean up your own mess in the common areas; asking you to keep your room clean -- were these some examples of them treating you like a dog? I can see why you'd want to flee a crushing tyranny like that, and never look back. Quite obviously they should have just paid for everything, let you treat them like servants who existed to cook and clean for you, and never complained or pestered you with any chores that needed doing.

You really think taking the door off your kids room because they didn’t pick something up from the floor (OP’s example) is an appropriate response?

If the PP who went "full rebellion" lost a door, I would venture to guess that was not her parents first response. She certainly ignored many other efforts to get her attention before they did that. And if nothing else was getting through, then yes, off comes the door.