How to get teen to obey

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This. I was defiant as a teen. My parents pulled the bullshit of all privileges and i went full rebellion. Some people aren’t built to obey like someone’s dog. And as for a relationship later in life, we didn’t have one for well over a decade after I left the house the day after graduating Highschool.

Asking you to do a reasonable share of household chores; asking you to clean up your own mess in the common areas; asking you to keep your room clean -- were these some examples of them treating you like a dog? I can see why you'd want to flee a crushing tyranny like that, and never look back. Quite obviously they should have just paid for everything, let you treat them like servants who existed to cook and clean for you, and never complained or pestered you with any chores that needed doing.

PP wasn't commenting about the reasonableness of the requests, eh? PP was commenting about what PP's parents did when PP didn't do as requested.

If her parents withdrew privileges because she refused to comply with reasonable requests, and that caused her to go "full rebellion" due to the insane delusion that they were treating her like a dog, then the problem was with the PP not with her parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If the PP who went "full rebellion" lost a door, I would venture to guess that was not her parents first response. She certainly ignored many other efforts to get her attention before they did that. And if nothing else was getting through, then yes, off comes the door.

I can't imagine any circumstance where it would ever be appropriate to take someone's door as a response for not picking something up off the floor. You save that for the big stuff. Picking socks up off the floor is not big stuff, even if it's two socks a day every day for years. Plus there isn't even any logical connection between not picking something up off the floor in the living room and getting your bedroom door taken away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, OP, do you not have a husband to help you with your defiant teen?

That is correct. My husband died many years ago and I have never replaced him. Just me here dealing with my defiant teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read that book. I've been trying to be flexible, but he pushes until he basically decided that he doesn't have to do anything I've asked him to do. Chores, speaking politely, discussing plans, going to bed at a reasonable hour etc etc etc. He seems to want/need boundaries, but I'm having trouble setting them largely because now that I have his phone, I don't have any other leverage.

OP, you've established that the "Do what I want or I'll take your stuff" strategy doesn't work for you and your son. Which isn't surprising; it doesn't work for a lot of people, and for the people it does work for, I wonder what kind of parent-child relationship they have when the children are adults.

So, now what? If you're out of ideas, and you've read books but they weren't helpful, then how about parenting classes or parent counseling?

This. I was defiant as a teen. My parents pulled the bullshit of all privileges and i went full rebellion. Some people aren’t built to obey like someone’s dog. And as for a relationship later in life, we didn’t have one for well over a decade after I left the house the day after graduating Highschool.

Asking you to do a reasonable share of household chores; asking you to clean up your own mess in the common areas; asking you to keep your room clean -- were these some examples of them treating you like a dog? I can see why you'd want to flee a crushing tyranny like that, and never look back. Quite obviously they should have just paid for everything, let you treat them like servants who existed to cook and clean for you, and never complained or pestered you with any chores that needed doing.

That was my thought. Maybe pls parents had unreasonable expectations but I feel like I just want my kids to do a pretty minimal level of pitching in and being respectful. It doesn’t have to be that complicated but kid seems to need to push back on it.!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

That was my thought. Maybe pls parents had unreasonable expectations but I feel like I just want my kids to do a pretty minimal level of pitching in and being respectful. It doesn’t have to be that complicated but kid seems to need to push back on it.!

Yes, that's what teenagers do. If your kid didn't push back, that would be something to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If the PP who went "full rebellion" lost a door, I would venture to guess that was not her parents first response. She certainly ignored many other efforts to get her attention before they did that. And if nothing else was getting through, then yes, off comes the door.

I can't imagine any circumstance where it would ever be appropriate to take someone's door as a response for not picking something up off the floor. You save that for the big stuff. Picking socks up off the floor is not big stuff, even if it's two socks a day every day for years. Plus there isn't even any logical connection between not picking something up off the floor in the living room and getting your bedroom door taken away.

Meh. Who knows what the backstory was. If those socks on the floor were the 10,000th transgression that pushed the parents over the edge into door-removal, so be it.

[Anonymous]

OP,

No advice but commiseration. Having similar struggles with my 16yo and I also don’t know how to handle it. When I was a kid, I respected my parents and listened to them. I didn’t always agree and definitely argued or made my case when I didn’t but I didn’t just refuse or ignore. Nor, in my kid’s case, argue or “forget.” This morning I pointed out that I didn’t forget to do the things that she needed from me. She agreed but it didn’t sway her.

And from the responses here you can see no one know what to do! The most honest response is the one that pointed out some kids are easy and some are not. People with easy kids tend to think it’s their parenting but those of us with a mix know that’s not it.

Hope you have a peaceful weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, OP, do you not have a husband to help you with your defiant teen?

That is correct. My husband died many years ago and I have never replaced him. Just me here dealing with my defiant teen.

I am sorry to hear that. I was a defiant teen raised by a single mom, and I know it was tough for her. Is there any surrogate father figure you can have talk to the boy? Someone he looks up to? My mom had my karate sensei have the occasional chat with me about self-discipline at home.

The other thing she used to do was start reading aloud from these women's magazines that had ads for summer camps and boarding schools for troubled youth. "What about this one - it's in the Rocky Mountains and it's run by former drill sergeants, doesn't that sound nice?" Yeah, I knew she was just messing with me. Probably...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If the PP who went "full rebellion" lost a door, I would venture to guess that was not her parents first response. She certainly ignored many other efforts to get her attention before they did that. And if nothing else was getting through, then yes, off comes the door.

I can't imagine any circumstance where it would ever be appropriate to take someone's door as a response for not picking something up off the floor. You save that for the big stuff. Picking socks up off the floor is not big stuff, even if it's two socks a day every day for years. Plus there isn't even any logical connection between not picking something up off the floor in the living room and getting your bedroom door taken away.

Meh. Who knows what the backstory was. If those socks on the floor were the 10,000th transgression that pushed the parents over the edge into door-removal, so be it.

No. Yes, as a parent, you sometimes lose your temper and do irrational things. But then you apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You can't order him around, OP, and say: "Pick it up now." That's too authoritarian and control-freaky and anybody would balk. Those of us with an oppositional streak would refuse just on those grounds

What you can do is say: "I want you to pick up all your stuff in this room/in the house before dinner/after dinner/before the guests come in half an hour". Then he gets a measure of freedom to manage his time and that feels less aggressive and controlling.

Exactly. And if he doesn't, then you get to choose what to do with the stuff as he has effectively abandoned it. Sometimes things in our house get tossed that way, or thrown into a box in the basement.

I always say "please".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If the PP who went "full rebellion" lost a door, I would venture to guess that was not her parents first response. She certainly ignored many other efforts to get her attention before they did that. And if nothing else was getting through, then yes, off comes the door.

I can't imagine any circumstance where it would ever be appropriate to take someone's door as a response for not picking something up off the floor. You save that for the big stuff. Picking socks up off the floor is not big stuff, even if it's two socks a day every day for years. Plus there isn't even any logical connection between not picking something up off the floor in the living room and getting your bedroom door taken away.

I was the poster that went full rebellion. It was because my parents went overboard with piddling shit such as socks on the floor. If you have a good kid that is being a jerk (not picking up socks) and your response is full fledged war (taking off the door for said socks), well then you you are building up a HUGE case for rebellion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If the PP who went "full rebellion" lost a door, I would venture to guess that was not her parents first response. She certainly ignored many other efforts to get her attention before they did that. And if nothing else was getting through, then yes, off comes the door.

I can't imagine any circumstance where it would ever be appropriate to take someone's door as a response for not picking something up off the floor. You save that for the big stuff. Picking socks up off the floor is not big stuff, even if it's two socks a day every day for years. Plus there isn't even any logical connection between not picking something up off the floor in the living room and getting your bedroom door taken away.

I was the poster that went full rebellion. It was because my parents went overboard with piddling shit such as socks on the floor. If you have a good kid that is being a jerk (not picking up socks) and your response is full fledged war (taking off the door for said socks), well then you you are building up a HUGE case for rebellion.

So... how many years were there of you not listening and not complying with reasonable requests before they "went overboard"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If the PP who went "full rebellion" lost a door, I would venture to guess that was not her parents first response. She certainly ignored many other efforts to get her attention before they did that. And if nothing else was getting through, then yes, off comes the door.

I can't imagine any circumstance where it would ever be appropriate to take someone's door as a response for not picking something up off the floor. You save that for the big stuff. Picking socks up off the floor is not big stuff, even if it's two socks a day every day for years. Plus there isn't even any logical connection between not picking something up off the floor in the living room and getting your bedroom door taken away.

I was the poster that went full rebellion. It was because my parents went overboard with piddling shit such as socks on the floor. If you have a good kid that is being a jerk (not picking up socks) and your response is full fledged war (taking off the door for said socks), well then you you are building up a HUGE case for rebellion.

So... how many years were there of you not listening and not complying with reasonable requests before they "went overboard"?

A different PP. The parents are the adults. Adults should know better than to escalate. Declaring war over socks is dumb, even if socks on the floor for ten years. You've got years of experience on your kid; use them to be smarter than your kid.

[Anonymous]

Doubt it’s just about socks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't have any answers for you. But I did want to say that some kids are so easy - I have two like that. Everything that others mentioned would work but likely wouldn't be necessary. And I have a third one that is sometimes like yours. To complicate things, my son has mental health issues and it's often hard to tease out what is mental illness and what is asshole teenage behavior. Regardless none of the things people mentioned would work and if I push too far, he'd just leave or do something stupid like try to kill himself. I could never take his phone because sometimes that's the only way I can track him.

With him, we manage by reducing the expectations. I would never have asked mine to clean up his mess because I knew I could t enforce it. I only ask/require things I know I can make happen so I don't lose credibility. I also have my son in therapy and receiving medical care. His doctors and therapists have no other suggestions.

BTW, my sons mental illness only started to show up around age 15.

PP, if I may ask, what is your son's diagnosis?

Bipolar and generalized anxiety. He also has ADHD but that wasn’t new. Thing is that there were major changes that could not be explained by hormones and teenage behavior.