How to get teen to obey

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't have any answers for you. But I did want to say that some kids are so easy - I have two like that. Everything that others mentioned would work but likely wouldn't be necessary. And I have a third one that is sometimes like yours. To complicate things, my son has mental health issues and it's often hard to tease out what is mental illness and what is asshole teenage behavior. Regardless none of the things people mentioned would work and if I push too far, he'd just leave or do something stupid like try to kill himself. I could never take his phone because sometimes that's the only way I can track him.

With him, we manage by reducing the expectations. I would never have asked mine to clean up his mess because I knew I could t enforce it. I only ask/require things I know I can make happen so I don't lose credibility. I also have my son in therapy and receiving medical care. His doctors and therapists have no other suggestions.

BTW, my sons mental illness only started to show up around age 15.

+1
My best advice is to not take advice from people who don’t really understand what you’re dealing with. BTDT - their advice is often exactly the opposite of what you need to be doing. Read about ODD and get him into therapy ASAP. You can sell it as “working on your relationship” or mandatory to keep the phone. Get support for you too from someone who can coach you on the special parenting skills these kids require.

[Anonymous]

Therapy is a good idea. If he’s angry about something, he needs to figure out how to deal with it. My nephew had a lot of problems that were worse than general defiance, he was getting into fights, selling drugs, etc. His behavior changed quite a bit after 6 months of therapy. It didn’t make him magically responsible. He did something stupid and got arrested. Spending 1 night in jail did a lot for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If the PP who went "full rebellion" lost a door, I would venture to guess that was not her parents first response. She certainly ignored many other efforts to get her attention before they did that. And if nothing else was getting through, then yes, off comes the door.

I can't imagine any circumstance where it would ever be appropriate to take someone's door as a response for not picking something up off the floor. You save that for the big stuff. Picking socks up off the floor is not big stuff, even if it's two socks a day every day for years. Plus there isn't even any logical connection between not picking something up off the floor in the living room and getting your bedroom door taken away.

I was the poster that went full rebellion. It was because my parents went overboard with piddling shit such as socks on the floor. If you have a good kid that is being a jerk (not picking up socks) and your response is full fledged war (taking off the door for said socks), well then you you are building up a HUGE case for rebellion.

I used to think my parents were nit-picky. I'm wondering if this PP has children or teenagers. There are truly a million tiny things that I could let go and I do let 999,999 of them go, so when I ask my kids to pick up their socks and insist they do it, "Right now!" it's because I already picked up their dishes, their garbage, their backpacks, their other socks, their hair items etc etc etc etc etc. It's the tip of the iceburg. Now that I'm a parent, I have so much sympathy for how much crap my parents had to deal with.

[Anonymous]

OP I feel your pain. Similar boat to you. Defiant preteen with possible mental health issues. Single mom. It’s hard to hear the responses of people who think you can just whip your kid into shape. Only those of us who are dealing with this know how difficult it is. By the way NAMI has free classes and support groups for parents with teenagers and mental health concerns. Might be a good place to connect with. Not everyone on this site can really understand. Try to find a source for support without judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, OP, do you not have a husband to help you with your defiant teen?

That is correct. My husband died many years ago and I have never replaced him. Just me here dealing with my defiant teen.

OP, I'm so sorry about your loss. How old was your son when his father died and how old is he now? Maybe he is maturing and needs to deal with the loss over again. Maybe he is angry about it and is lashing out in general in these passive aggressive ways. I am also concerned that you express that the main aspects of the relationship you have with your son are driving to one activity (that you pay for), paying for his things, and governing his phone. Are you depressed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I feel your pain. Similar boat to you. Defiant preteen with possible mental health issues. Single mom.

I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the common "mental health issue" here is "no father in the home"...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If the PP who went "full rebellion" lost a door, I would venture to guess that was not her parents first response. She certainly ignored many other efforts to get her attention before they did that. And if nothing else was getting through, then yes, off comes the door.

I can't imagine any circumstance where it would ever be appropriate to take someone's door as a response for not picking something up off the floor. You save that for the big stuff. Picking socks up off the floor is not big stuff, even if it's two socks a day every day for years. Plus there isn't even any logical connection between not picking something up off the floor in the living room and getting your bedroom door taken away.

I was the poster that went full rebellion. It was because my parents went overboard with piddling shit such as socks on the floor. If you have a good kid that is being a jerk (not picking up socks) and your response is full fledged war (taking off the door for said socks), well then you you are building up a HUGE case for rebellion.

So... how many years were there of you not listening and not complying with reasonable requests before they "went overboard"?

A different PP. The parents are the adults. Adults should know better than to escalate. Declaring war over socks is dumb, even if socks on the floor for ten years. You've got years of experience on your kid; use them to be smarter than your kid.

Apparently the "smart" policy is total surrender and letting your teen do whatever he wants while you scurry around picking up after him.

Let me know how that works out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I feel your pain. Similar boat to you. Defiant preteen with possible mental health issues. Single mom.

I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the common "mental health issue" here is "no father in the home"...

I'm sure there are no two parent families with difficult teens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I feel your pain. Similar boat to you. Defiant preteen with possible mental health issues. Single mom.

I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the common "mental health issue" here is "no father in the home"...

I'm sure there are no two parent families with difficult teens.

I think PP is trolling all the forums hard. There’s a new smartass posting in almost every thread Ive read this weekend. He’s rude and insulting and he especially likes upsetting the parents. In fact, he sounds like an angry adolescent himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I feel your pain. Similar boat to you. Defiant preteen with possible mental health issues. Single mom.

I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the common "mental health issue" here is "no father in the home"...

I'm sure there are no two parent families with difficult teens.

Or whose kids have mental health issues. It’s solely a single parent issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I feel your pain. Similar boat to you. Defiant preteen with possible mental health issues. Single mom.

I'm sure it's just a coincidence that the common "mental health issue" here is "no father in the home"...

You mean father dying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If the PP who went "full rebellion" lost a door, I would venture to guess that was not her parents first response. She certainly ignored many other efforts to get her attention before they did that. And if nothing else was getting through, then yes, off comes the door.

I can't imagine any circumstance where it would ever be appropriate to take someone's door as a response for not picking something up off the floor. You save that for the big stuff. Picking socks up off the floor is not big stuff, even if it's two socks a day every day for years. Plus there isn't even any logical connection between not picking something up off the floor in the living room and getting your bedroom door taken away.

I was the poster that went full rebellion. It was because my parents went overboard with piddling shit such as socks on the floor. If you have a good kid that is being a jerk (not picking up socks) and your response is full fledged war (taking off the door for said socks), well then you you are building up a HUGE case for rebellion.

I used to think my parents were nit-picky. I'm wondering if this PP has children or teenagers. There are truly a million tiny things that I could let go and I do let 999,999 of them go, so when I ask my kids to pick up their socks and insist they do it, "Right now!" it's because I already picked up their dishes, their garbage, their backpacks, their other socks, their hair items etc etc etc etc etc. It's the tip of the iceburg. Now that I'm a parent, I have so much sympathy for how much crap my parents had to deal with.

I didn't change my opinion as I grew up. It's takes no effort to pick up things if you are the one who cares about it. It takes lots of effort (and broken relationships) to get people to follow your standards. It can be about picking up stuff, can be about curfew, can be about food, or anything else. Making it a battle going into the war is parents' choice. I don't like it, but it's still a choice. Some people like strained or drama filled relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If the PP who went "full rebellion" lost a door, I would venture to guess that was not her parents first response. She certainly ignored many other efforts to get her attention before they did that. And if nothing else was getting through, then yes, off comes the door.

I can't imagine any circumstance where it would ever be appropriate to take someone's door as a response for not picking something up off the floor. You save that for the big stuff. Picking socks up off the floor is not big stuff, even if it's two socks a day every day for years. Plus there isn't even any logical connection between not picking something up off the floor in the living room and getting your bedroom door taken away.

I was the poster that went full rebellion. It was because my parents went overboard with piddling shit such as socks on the floor. If you have a good kid that is being a jerk (not picking up socks) and your response is full fledged war (taking off the door for said socks), well then you you are building up a HUGE case for rebellion.

I used to think my parents were nit-picky. I'm wondering if this PP has children or teenagers. There are truly a million tiny things that I could let go and I do let 999,999 of them go, so when I ask my kids to pick up their socks and insist they do it, "Right now!" it's because I already picked up their dishes, their garbage, their backpacks, their other socks, their hair items etc etc etc etc etc. It's the tip of the iceburg. Now that I'm a parent, I have so much sympathy for how much crap my parents had to deal with.

I didn't change my opinion as I grew up. It's takes no effort to pick up things if you are the one who cares about it. It takes lots of effort (and broken relationships) to get people to follow your standards. It can be about picking up stuff, can be about curfew, can be about food, or anything else. Making it a battle going into the war is parents' choice. I don't like it, but it's still a choice. Some people like strained or drama filled relationships.

And some people are super entitled and unappreciative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If the PP who went "full rebellion" lost a door, I would venture to guess that was not her parents first response. She certainly ignored many other efforts to get her attention before they did that. And if nothing else was getting through, then yes, off comes the door.

I can't imagine any circumstance where it would ever be appropriate to take someone's door as a response for not picking something up off the floor. You save that for the big stuff. Picking socks up off the floor is not big stuff, even if it's two socks a day every day for years. Plus there isn't even any logical connection between not picking something up off the floor in the living room and getting your bedroom door taken away.

I was the poster that went full rebellion. It was because my parents went overboard with piddling shit such as socks on the floor. If you have a good kid that is being a jerk (not picking up socks) and your response is full fledged war (taking off the door for said socks), well then you you are building up a HUGE case for rebellion.

I used to think my parents were nit-picky. I'm wondering if this PP has children or teenagers. There are truly a million tiny things that I could let go and I do let 999,999 of them go, so when I ask my kids to pick up their socks and insist they do it, "Right now!" it's because I already picked up their dishes, their garbage, their backpacks, their other socks, their hair items etc etc etc etc etc. It's the tip of the iceburg. Now that I'm a parent, I have so much sympathy for how much crap my parents had to deal with.

I do this too with my kids. So I understand. It's the last straw. But a blow-up about the millionth tiny thing is still a blow-up about a tiny thing.

[Anonymous]

I have had 5 teens, and while they are all generally good natured people-EVERY one of them lost their bedroom door at one time or another!

While it wasn't over socks, it wasn't over the biggest things ever, either. The kiddos just needed reinforcement and a reminder that they are not the adult, they are living in my home and must follow my very reasonable rules.

In real life, defiance will get you much worse than a door removal. They need to learn that in the safety of their home-or else the real world, who doesn't love them, will teach them.