How to get teen to obey

[Anonymous]

OP-- good for you. I have a teen that goes through phases of similar stuff and yes! being away does help "reset" stuff.

My only advice is to look for little "resets" throughout the year. Does he like to eat out? Movies? When you feel you are headed towards a bad pattern again tell him "I think it's time for a reset" and do something FUN and enjoyable..... Do NOT use the reset time to discuss the dirty socks on the floor or the bratty behavior.

[Anonymous]

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You can't order him around, OP, and say: "Pick it up now." That's too authoritarian and control-freaky and anybody would balk. Those of us with an oppositional streak would refuse just on those grounds

What you can do is say: "I want you to pick up all your stuff in this room/in the house before dinner/after dinner/before the guests come in half an hour". Then he gets a measure of freedom to manage his time and that feels less aggressive and controlling.

Exactly. And if he doesn't, then you get to choose what to do with the stuff as he has effectively abandoned it. Sometimes things in our house get tossed that way, or thrown into a box in the basement.

Unfortunately, it was my thing that he had borrowed and decided not to put away!

Next time he wants to borrow something from him, he doesn't get to. That's a logical consequence.

Yes, OP. Say something like: I see that you didn't put away what you asked to borrow. Since I had to put it away, please do not ask for more of my things until you can promise you will put them away when you are done. I do that with my 12 year old who has an oppositional defiant streak. I understand how frustration it is, I have two other kids that do what they need to do when warned and respond to threats of me taking away their things. But my son doesn't. I really want to slap him sometimes (I've never raised a hand to any of my kids, but my son sure does test my limits). But I know that would be completely counter-intuitive. I read tons of books on it and I have had to adjust my speech for him. It has been a life saver because we don't argue any more. I'm done arguing. I just say my blurb, if he doesn't do as asked, there are consequences, period. Even if the consequences are for a month later.

Book recs pls??

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Where is his dad in all of this?

I take it you missed that his father died.

I didn’t see that. I’m sure that’s part of all this- missing Dad or at least the male presence at this time in his life.

LOL. Nice save... curious of what you were planning to say if it turned out that dad was still alive just not around?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Where is his dad in all of this?

I take it you missed that his father died.

I didn’t see that. I’m sure that’s part of all this- missing Dad or at least the male presence at this time in his life.

LOL. Nice save... curious of what you were planning to say if it turned out that dad was still alive just not around?

“Nice save?” You sound like an ass. Go troll elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Where is his dad in all of this?

I take it you missed that his father died.

I didn’t see that. I’m sure that’s part of all this- missing Dad or at least the male presence at this time in his life.

LOL. Nice save... curious of what you were planning to say if it turned out that dad was still alive just not around?

“Nice save?” You sound like an ass. Go troll elsewhere.

No seriously. It's so annoying how people shame single parents on DCUM. You don't know what I've been through.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:my teen lost her bedroom door for continued slamming of said door. I finally said 'if you slam that door again, it's gone". she promptly slammed it and it was off the hinges within 10 minutes.
it was a wake up call that we laugh about now 5 years later.
she does say that I was stricter than most moms but just yesterday she thanked me for sending her to college with some basic "take care of your surroundings" skills. she struggled with roommates freshman year who didnt know how to live without their moms (or housekeepers?) picking up after them or providing everything magically (my kid was the only one to buy to for their suite all year).
remember. we are all trying to grow responsible adults.

Losing the door is a logical consequence of slamming the door. Losing the door is not a logical consequence of failing to pick up socks or take your dishes to the kitchen or leave your hairbrush lying around or...

You don't understand how punishment works. It is not necessary or even desirable for the punishment to have some "logical" connection to the infraction. It is only necessary for the punishment to be something the target dislikes - i.e., punishment must punish - so that they understand that when you tell them to do something (or not do something), disobedience will be painful for them. Take away phone, take away screen time, ground them, take away their door, none of this has a "logical" connection to most infractions, but it gets their attention precisely because they dislike it intensely.

It is not a bad thing for them to have a question mark in their mind, "what will mom do if I defy her?"

Yes, if obedience to parental authority is your goal, then your approach works (for as long as your child is under your control). But obedience to parental authority is not my goal. Raising a responsible, self-directed adult is my goal.

To raise a responsible, self-directed adult, you have to raise first an obedient child.

Interesting. I just read that this is the approach that they use in West Point Academy: first year they teach cadets to obey all commands. Their system is built on philosophy that you cannot be a great leader unless you first learn to follow. They produced a lot of great leaders so far.