Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride

[Anonymous]

You're fine, OP. Just tell them that your schedule is too unpredictable. I SAH and get asked to help with transportation all the time. I rarely do it. I'm not selfish or horrible. I am the first person to jump in and help in an emergency. I'm not interested in being a taxi service for other people's children. And after many, many years of parenting, I've learned to say no to the things that I don't want to do with zero guilt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you being asked to drive kids from school to the activity and then drive them home afterwards? Why can't you agree to take them to the activity and have the other lady drive your kid home. I did this with another family even though they live 20 minutes out of my way because getting my kid from school to the activity each day was much harder due to my work schedule.

Because OP doesn't want or need to, that's why.

[Anonymous]

This thread's title is incorrect. Replace carpool with chauffeur.

[Anonymous]

The fact that the other mom offered no reason for why she needed it, and didn't suggest she would do something in exchange later, are HUGE red flags IMO. I enjoy being helpful and doing favors. But as others have suggested, this is going to lead to more requests, because a considerate person would not simply ask if they could impose without offering some token reciprocation (e.g. date night babysitting) or explanation.

But aside from that, we're just never on time. No freaking way we could tack an extra task onto ANY activity with a start time. Which is what I would say. "Oh man Larla I'm flattered that you think I have my life together enough to add another kid to my routine but honestly there is just no way I can be relied on to show up anywhere on schedule!"

[Anonymous]

I know this thread is old but I wanted to chime in and let you know that I don’t blame you at all for not wanting to do this. Taking another person‘s child every single day is a huge responsibility. It’s a huge one it really is too much to ask. I too would never ask that of someone, unless I could return in equal

I have actually out of the goodness of my heart in the past offered a lot of free rides, and what I got in return, the lack of gratitude, the lack of respect, the taken for granted feeling was astonishing.” No good deed goes unpunished “ is really true. I have now learned to keep a distance from these freeloading parents. But carpooling works very well for me with fair minded parents who are either able to return the favor in some way or with whom I have a relationship of mutual trust and friendship.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you are horrible. But, you already know that.

[Anonymous]

So what did you do, OP. This reminds me of in-laws who we agreed to let stay with us for months on end, but now so ungrateful. Lesson learned, you don't owe anyone anything. Only agree to do things you want to do, and you don't owe them an apology or any explanation of why you said yes or no. saying "that's not going to work" is my new mantra

[Anonymous]

Op I would do it. You never know...

[Anonymous]

My mom would refuse because she already hated driving me to stuff, but the real reason would be fear of an auto accident and being responsible for another child. Secondarily, she would emphasis how hard she worked at her nursing job and how she's a single parent and the ask why the he'll can't Heather's mom take her and call her lazy.i

[Anonymous]

Posters, who think that helping out in such situation is an honorable thing, are either naive or lucky to meet only honorable people. Here is my example. I drove my child’s friend (along with my child) to an activity several times a week for a full year. In the beginning of the year, when her mom asked me to drive her kid, I told her that I could not and did not want to do it on a regular basis for a variety of reasons (among them was the fact that on certain days my work hours were not flexible and on other days I had potential meetings, scheduled at the last minute). There were no serious problems in that family. It was just that both parents worked (one worked from home), and the drive to the activity was long.

During that year, whenever I told that mom that I cannot drive (usually due to my work), she reacted with annoyance, but, surprisingly, her kid always found a “ride” and was at practice on time. She was not shy asking neighbors and other parents to help, and occasionally the work-from-home parent drove the kid himself when I was unavailable. In the meantime my own kid stayed home and missed the activity on such days (i.e. there was no attempt from that family to return the favor, and I did not want to burden other people). The family never offered anything (say, help with something, not to mention gas money). The first ‘thank you’ I heard was 6 months later. They never bothered to hire a driver and kept using me and a few other people for free. Once I told that mom, that I could no longer drive the kid, she stopped even saying ‘hi’ to me.

My advice to the OP: if it feels like that that family wants to simply use you, decline and don’t even think of feeling guilty. There are many people, who need help but will never ask for it unless it’s a life or death situation. I prefer helping such people. The ones, that you describe, are unlikely to be worthy of that help, and the more you help, the more they feel entitled to receive it.

[Anonymous]

I would not do it - it was not a carpool request. It was a drive my child request. If the other parents could not take their child to an after school activity themselves- then they should not sign up their child for that event. Not your problem but if you say yes, it becomes your problem. You and the mom are not even friends.

[Anonymous]

Why not reply that you would love to share the driving and ask when she could drive? It's passive aggressive but sends the message that you won't do it without some reciprocation.

You are lucky you can rearrange your work schedule. Not everyone can, but it does seem as if when you sign your child up, you should have a plan for getting them there and back, so what is her plan and c an you get in on that one way?

My DD just starting carpooling and it saves me a ton of money (I was paying a kids ride share service one way) and picking her up at the need. Now I pick up 3 girls and don't have to pay for the ride share service e. It has been. game changer for me and the other moms in the carpool. The best part, is that my DD is closer to there other girls because she spends more time with them.

I found coordination really easy by text. We have a group text and just check in with who can drive that day and where we will coordinate drop off (we drop off at a c central place sometimes).

It's within your rights to say no, but I will just say, I have been the mom that really needs the help and I appreciated it when someone stepped up and I always reciprocated. Maybe give this mom a chance to reciprocate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're fine, OP. Just tell them that your schedule is too unpredictable. I SAH and get asked to help with transportation all the time. I rarely do it. I'm not selfish or horrible. I am the first person to jump in and help in an emergency. I'm not interested in being a taxi service for other people's children. And after many, many years of parenting, I've learned to say no to the things that I don't want to do with zero guilt.

This. I SAH and always have. I'm the first to offer to help in an emergency. But I'm not driving your kid to school every day. And I'm not your back up child care. I SAH so that I have the flexibility to create my schedule and to spend time with my children. What if I want to take my kids to get breakfast? What if I just don't feel like driving to preschool and we decide to take a day off? What if someone is sick? Do not feel guilty, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this thread is old but I wanted to chime in and let you know that I don’t blame you at all for not wanting to do this. Taking another person‘s child every single day is a huge responsibility. It’s a huge one it really is too much to ask. I too would never ask that of someone, unless I could return in equal

I have actually out of the goodness of my heart in the past offered a lot of free rides, and what I got in return, the lack of gratitude, the lack of respect, the taken for granted feeling was astonishing.” No good deed goes unpunished “ is really true. I have now learned to keep a distance from these freeloading parents. But carpooling works very well for me with fair minded parents who are either able to return the favor in some way or with whom I have a relationship of mutual trust and friendship.

I blame you for digging up a 6 month old thread, just so you can make yourself feel better because you're like the awful OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had one kid who never participated in carpool, his dad was not having any kids in his car. Nobody held it against him. Some people don't carpool. Just say no.

This is me too. We don't allow any other non family member kids on our car. Too much liability (we are a family of lawyers). Not worth the risk.