Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What comes around goes around. You are already going, it's NBD to pick up a kid nearby. It's the right thing to do and you know it.

There will come a day where you need help - hopefully you don't run into someone like yourself when that time comes.

Your laughable attempt at a guilt trip has no power over us non-doormats.

YES YES & YES.

[Anonymous]

Karma

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, as I said I find the responses fascinating. For those of you wondering, I'm over 40, and I do bend over backward to help those in need. It's not actually clear to me that they are in need here-- I think they are asking because they can.

I suspect that the "of course I'd do it" responders would not hesitate to ask the same, and the "no way" responders wouldn't dream of asking without being reciprocate. I think it points to different value systems, and this thread has helped me sort out my own values. I also suspect that the first camp might not feel guilty when there times they couldn't drive.

I'm in the "do it" category and I definitely don't help others out of guilt. I do help others with the expectation of reciprocation, but it doesn't have to be immediate. I also have a super social only child, so I would be doing it for her benefit-sometimes I offer to pick the kids of friends up at school just because it's fun for my daughter. It is about values-I don't want to live in a world where we each handle our own stuff, because I think that world is cold and lonely. I'd rather be part of a big group of people who help each other out, even if it means I put in more than I get out sometimes. I feel like my attitude has helped me cultivate a friendly community of people I can rely on-unlike many people on DCUM who seem to be really lonely and isolated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What comes around goes around. You are already going, it's NBD to pick up a kid nearby. It's the right thing to do and you know it.

There will come a day where you need help - hopefully you don't run into someone like yourself when that time comes.

Nah- The Right Thing To Do is a two way street- other mom didn't even offer to also share the driving responsibilities.

Well, probably she can't due to work. My friend is a SAHM and is transporting another mom's kid to an activity. The other mom can't carpool (works those hours), but has taken my friend's kid with her on weekends so my friend can have date nights, given her gift baskets, sports tickets etc. Be kind OP when you can afford to be, and you may find yourself pleasantly surprised by the result.

If the other parent can't carpool due to work, then she should have offered an arrangement like you describe. She could have offered to babysit in exchange or offered up something of value to OP. Also, the other parent didn't say this was the only way for her child to participate in the activity. It sounds like the other parent just wants OP to shoulder the work for her own convenience. This isn't a one-time thing either. The other parent asked OP to do all the driving for the whole year.

I would never dream of asking someone to do all the driving. I would either offer to split it, or if that wasn't possible, then I would at least offer some sort of reciprocation like free babysitting. The only exception to this would be a serious illness or other hardship, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

[Anonymous]

Not sure where you all live but I'm happy that I live in a (greater DC) neighborhood that has a "village" mentality. We all pitch in when we can and feel free to ask for help when we need it. I have carpools for each child's school and each child's activities. It bonds us to our community and makes everything possible. For some carpools, in some years, I've done more driving. Other years, I've needed more help. We are woven together, raising our children who know there are adults who are not their parents who will take care of them.
We bring meals when babies are born, drive each other to the doctor if needed, pick up kids in a pinch, offer to walk the dog when someone has a health issue. We are here for each other.
Honestly, I would just do it because I want to model for my kids that I help others when I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What comes around goes around. You are already going, it's NBD to pick up a kid nearby. It's the right thing to do and you know it.

There will come a day where you need help - hopefully you don't run into someone like yourself when that time comes.

Nah- The Right Thing To Do is a two way street- other mom didn't even offer to also share the driving responsibilities.

Well, probably she can't due to work. My friend is a SAHM and is transporting another mom's kid to an activity. The other mom can't carpool (works those hours), but has taken my friend's kid with her on weekends so my friend can have date nights, given her gift baskets, sports tickets etc. Be kind OP when you can afford to be, and you may find yourself pleasantly surprised by the result.

If the other parent can't carpool due to work, then she should have offered an arrangement like you describe. She could have offered to babysit in exchange or offered up something of value to OP. Also, the other parent didn't say this was the only way for her child to participate in the activity. It sounds like the other parent just wants OP to shoulder the work for her own convenience. This isn't a one-time thing either. The other parent asked OP to do all the driving for the whole year.

I would never dream of asking someone to do all the driving. I would either offer to split it, or if that wasn't possible, then I would at least offer some sort of reciprocation like free babysitting. The only exception to this would be a serious illness or other hardship, but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

This is actually why we don't carpool. Auto accidents are very high up on the cause of death list for children (up there with drowning), and that doesn't even count injuries. I see people driving unsafely all the time - texting, and everything else. No way. I once had an unrelated conversation with a pharmacist in McLean about how many Ambien prescriptions she dispenses, and I was blown away. There were many articles years ago about how they had to lower the suggested dosage for women from 10mg to 5mg because they were causing auto accidents in the morning. People are driving around while stressed out with who knows what kind of medication still in their system.

It's amazing to me that people will grill parents before play dates about guns in the home, yet be cavalier about who their kid rides with. Talk about an inability to assess risk.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand the 'karma' and all that.

The woman is a user. She doesn't work and is not offering a reciprocal ride.

Travel soccer practice is 3 times per week. Two ways after a 90 minute practice.

Most people are rushing out the door--trying to do dinner first or get home after in time for it and bed, etc. Homework.

AGAIN, THE WOMAN ASKING HAS NO PHYSICAL LIMITATION OR NEED. She just wants OP to do it.

I don't like carpools so I don't do them. But, if I know somebody has an illness/death/trip, etc. I have zero problem taking their child to and from practice. If a kid isn't picked up--I often wait with them, call their parent, etc.

It's not all or nothing---oh if you don't take this kid every practice for free, on your time--boy--you will really be screwed later when you need something. Ahhh-no. The free-loader is the one with the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, as I said I find the responses fascinating. For those of you wondering, I'm over 40, and I do bend over backward to help those in need. It's not actually clear to me that they are in need here-- I think they are asking because they can.

I suspect that the "of course I'd do it" responders would not hesitate to ask the same, and the "no way" responders wouldn't dream of asking without being reciprocate. I think it points to different value systems, and this thread has helped me sort out my own values. I also suspect that the first camp might not feel guilty when there times they couldn't drive.

I'm in the "do it" category and I definitely don't help others out of guilt. I do help others with the expectation of reciprocation, but it doesn't have to be immediate. I also have a super social only child, so I would be doing it for her benefit-sometimes I offer to pick the kids of friends up at school just because it's fun for my daughter. It is about values-I don't want to live in a world where we each handle our own stuff, because I think that world is cold and lonely. I'd rather be part of a big group of people who help each other out, even if it means I put in more than I get out sometimes. I feel like my attitude has helped me cultivate a friendly community of people I can rely on-unlike many people on DCUM who seem to be really lonely and isolated.

+1 - if it wasn’t a bother I’d agree to do it, I would not personally ask this. But I live in a neighborhood where parents keep an eye on other kids at the playground and welcome the pack of kids playing outside in for a snack even if there was no plan for this. I’d take this village mentality anyday vs a manage your own stuff unless it’s an emergency approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm feeling really guilty and am trying to figure out if it's warranted or not. My child attends the same twice a week after school activity as another child, which is 5 minutes away from school. We pretty far from school (20-30 minutes depending on traffic). The parent of the other child is asking if I can drive the other child. Am I a terrible person if I say no? We all work, but I have the flexibility of crazy hours (ie starting work at 630) so that I can transport my child. I don't like the responsibility of having to coordinate (if my child is sick or we are out of town), but when it comes down to it, I just don't feel like it because there is nothing in it for me. Am I terrible?

that is awful OP. I hope you never need a favor from anyone.

[Anonymous]

Team OP.

I'd go out of my way to help someone in need, but at this stage in life (40s), I've seen enough human behavior to know that the woman is a ballsy taker. I'd say no too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't like the responsibility of having to coordinate (if my child is sick or we are out of town), but when it comes down to it, I just don't feel like it because there is nothing in it for me.

There's no problem in texting, "Larla is sick today so I won't be driving."

OP, I think you're wrong in assuming that those who say it's no big deal are also takers. Once or twice a week for a semester I drove a kid home, adding 15-20 minutes to our trip. The parents were in some sort of bind, and I had the time, so I did it to be nice. In the end, they gave me a gift card for a restaurant, which was totally unexpected but kind of them.

I don't understand why driving a kid 5 minutes to an activity YOU ARE ALSO GOING TO is such a chore. And this kind of attitude is the sort of thing that can make living in this area so tiresome. If you must get something out of it, what can you ask for in exchange? Would you do it for they drove half the time? If they paid you? If they took our kid for an occasional evening so you can get an evening out?

[Anonymous]

No I wouldn't do it either.

[Anonymous]

OP, you shouldn't be evaluating motive. Assume people can ask, and it's ok -- to ask -- for any reason. People are free to ask. People are free to answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like the responsibility of having to coordinate (if my child is sick or we are out of town), but when it comes down to it, I just don't feel like it because there is nothing in it for me.

There's no problem in texting, "Larla is sick today so I won't be driving."

OP, I think you're wrong in assuming that those who say it's no big deal are also takers. Once or twice a week for a semester I drove a kid home, adding 15-20 minutes to our trip. The parents were in some sort of bind, and I had the time, so I did it to be nice. In the end, they gave me a gift card for a restaurant, which was totally unexpected but kind of them.

I don't understand why driving a kid 5 minutes to an activity YOU ARE ALSO GOING TO is such a chore. And this kind of attitude is the sort of thing that can make living in this area so tiresome. If you must get something out of it, what can you ask for in exchange? Would you do it for they drove half the time? If they paid you? If they took our kid for an occasional evening so you can get an evening out?

You are missing the point that this is for next year and there is NO BIND. The woman just wants her to take her kid every.single.time for no reason and reciprocation. I've met many like that--they won't stop from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are literally so self centered that you won’t help another person if there is "nothing in it for you"?!?!

Maybe! I'm stretched really thin, and the thought of extra coordination is exhausting.

That's all you need to know. Don't feel guilty or bad. You can't do everything and don't have to.