Refusing carpool/not wanting to give another child a ride

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like the responsibility of having to coordinate (if my child is sick or we are out of town), but when it comes down to it, I just don't feel like it because there is nothing in it for me.

There's no problem in texting, "Larla is sick today so I won't be driving."

OP, I think you're wrong in assuming that those who say it's no big deal are also takers. Once or twice a week for a semester I drove a kid home, adding 15-20 minutes to our trip. The parents were in some sort of bind, and I had the time, so I did it to be nice. In the end, they gave me a gift card for a restaurant, which was totally unexpected but kind of them.

I don't understand why driving a kid 5 minutes to an activity YOU ARE ALSO GOING TO is such a chore. And this kind of attitude is the sort of thing that can make living in this area so tiresome. If you must get something out of it, what can you ask for in exchange? Would you do it for they drove half the time? If they paid you? If they took our kid for an occasional evening so you can get an evening out?

Most people offer to drive at least one way or one day per week.

I am a work at home mom that was in a carpool. I did 2 nights during the week because I could get there early and it wasn't a problem. The other ladies did every Friday night practice. To me that was golden. I could start my happy hour or if we had dinner plans or a party--the babysitter could greet kid at the door. So--yea--if they said--hey you work from home we go into the Office--can you pick up and drop off our kids for every practice over the year...3 times per week--to and from---I would have said "No".

[Anonymous]

This is stirring up memories of a year when I taught part-time at a private school and stayed several extra hours so I could drive my son home... but this also meant I was asked to drive two other children home on a near-daily basis. I didn't mind driving the one kid because they sometimes drove. But the other family never drove once in the entire year. I never even met the parents or spoke to them once after the carpool was set up. I had to drive an extra 10 minutes each day to drop off their kid. At the end of the year they gave me a bar of "nice soap" as a thank you gift. Afterwards, I wondered why I had agreed to that plan. At the very least, I should have requested gas money but probably also something for the extra time. When all was said and done I spent about 40 extra hours over the course of the school year on the extra driving to drop off their kid.

Point is, some people are takers. I do think we should help when we can, but when there is an actual cost to us in time and gas, it's reasonable to ask for something in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I terrible?

"Terrible" is too strong. I'd go with "not great."

Why? Because she is not a doormat? The other family wants her to do something for them with no offer of returning the favor. It woukd be different if the family had an illness or something, but there are lots of people who are just looking to make thier lives easier at the cost of others.

Op,

You are fine. If you want, offer to share the driving. But it is also ok for you to want to just take care of your own kid. The people who believe in all the it takes a village crap are usually the ones that take more than they give.

Helping someone out is not "being a doormat." It's being kind. That's what kind people do. At some point in our lives, we will all be in need of help and need to rely on the kindness of others. I simply cannot believe all the selfish assholes that need something in return before you would do something nice and totally within your ability to do (with minimal output - you're going there anyway). Very disheartening and shows an utter decline in civility, kindness, and neighborliness. You're all awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, as I said I find the responses fascinating. For those of you wondering, I'm over 40, and I do bend over backward to help those in need. It's not actually clear to me that they are in need here-- I think they are asking because they can.

I suspect that the "of course I'd do it" responders would not hesitate to ask the same, and the "no way" responders wouldn't dream of asking without being reciprocate. I think it points to different value systems, and this thread has helped me sort out my own values. I also suspect that the first camp might not feel guilty when there times they couldn't drive.

I'm in the "do it" category and I definitely don't help others out of guilt. I do help others with the expectation of reciprocation, but it doesn't have to be immediate. I also have a super social only child, so I would be doing it for her benefit-sometimes I offer to pick the kids of friends up at school just because it's fun for my daughter. It is about values-I don't want to live in a world where we each handle our own stuff, because I think that world is cold and lonely. I'd rather be part of a big group of people who help each other out, even if it means I put in more than I get out sometimes. I feel like my attitude has helped me cultivate a friendly community of people I can rely on-unlike many people on DCUM who seem to be really lonely and isolated.

Blah blah blah kumbaya blah blah blah

Not at all OP’s fact pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I terrible?

"Terrible" is too strong. I'd go with "not great."

Why? Because she is not a doormat? The other family wants her to do something for them with no offer of returning the favor. It woukd be different if the family had an illness or something, but there are lots of people who are just looking to make thier lives easier at the cost of others.

Op,

You are fine. If you want, offer to share the driving. But it is also ok for you to want to just take care of your own kid. The people who believe in all the it takes a village crap are usually the ones that take more than they give.

Helping someone out is not "being a doormat." It's being kind. That's what kind people do. At some point in our lives, we will all be in need of help and need to rely on the kindness of others. I simply cannot believe all the selfish assholes that need something in return before you would do something nice and totally within your ability to do (with minimal output - you're going there anyway). Very disheartening and shows an utter decline in civility, kindness, and neighborliness. You're all awful.

We don’t care what you think. Go ahead. Be a doormat. Power to you.

Or rather, no power to you. The users are licking their chops.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No way. She is trying to take advantage of you.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plus you never know in advance if the kid is annoying. They could annoy you/your kid, ask intrusive questions, complain about the music, etc. I’ve had this happen. No thanks.

We carpooled with a sweet looking kid who has serious behavioral issues. So severe that I had to pull over and restrain him from seriously attacking my then baby and other children. His nanny privately told me never to carpool again because the parents lived in Lala land and were blind to that poor child’s serious issues. He found another carpool and they are going through the same thing. Poor kid but the parents have no business carpooling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I terrible?

"Terrible" is too strong. I'd go with "not great."

Why? Because she is not a doormat? The other family wants her to do something for them with no offer of returning the favor. It woukd be different if the family had an illness or something, but there are lots of people who are just looking to make thier lives easier at the cost of others.

Op,

You are fine. If you want, offer to share the driving. But it is also ok for you to want to just take care of your own kid. The people who believe in all the it takes a village crap are usually the ones that take more than they give.

Helping someone out is not "being a doormat." It's being kind. That's what kind people do. At some point in our lives, we will all be in need of help and need to rely on the kindness of others. I simply cannot believe all the selfish assholes that need something in return before you would do something nice and totally within your ability to do (with minimal output - you're going there anyway). Very disheartening and shows an utter decline in civility, kindness, and neighborliness. You're all awful.

We don’t care what you think. Go ahead. Be a doormat. Power to you.

Or rather, no power to you. The users are licking their chops.

Not a single person who knows me would mistake me for a doormat. Nor would they mistake me for the selfish ass, with nothing to stand upon besides insults, like you are.

[Anonymous]

Not your child, not your problem. Say no with no guilt, OP.

[Anonymous]

Are you being asked to drive kids from school to the activity and then drive them home afterwards? Why can't you agree to take them to the activity and have the other lady drive your kid home. I did this with another family even though they live 20 minutes out of my way because getting my kid from school to the activity each day was much harder due to my work schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I terrible?

"Terrible" is too strong. I'd go with "not great."

Why? Because she is not a doormat? The other family wants her to do something for them with no offer of returning the favor. It woukd be different if the family had an illness or something, but there are lots of people who are just looking to make thier lives easier at the cost of others.

Op,

You are fine. If you want, offer to share the driving. But it is also ok for you to want to just take care of your own kid. The people who believe in all the it takes a village crap are usually the ones that take more than they give.

Helping someone out is not "being a doormat." It's being kind. That's what kind people do. At some point in our lives, we will all be in need of help and need to rely on the kindness of others. I simply cannot believe all the selfish assholes that need something in return before you would do something nice and totally within your ability to do (with minimal output - you're going there anyway). Very disheartening and shows an utter decline in civility, kindness, and neighborliness. You're all awful.

+1

I need your phone number because I've got a list of things I'd like you to do for me. Thx.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was a kid I had hebrew school twice a week with a lot of kids from school. My mom discovered that we were in front or back of this other girl both going and coming home from hebrew school. Even though I didn't like her much, my mom arranged to carpool with her. And then my mom discovered how much worse my non-stop talking could be once she was stuck in a car with Julie who actually talked MORE than I did. But we carpooled with her for three years.

Except we always forgot her. We'd always get a couple of blocks past her house and one of us would say "We forgot Julie!"

Thanks for the memories, OP.

your mom is a kind lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I terrible?

"Terrible" is too strong. I'd go with "not great."

Why? Because she is not a doormat? The other family wants her to do something for them with no offer of returning the favor. It woukd be different if the family had an illness or something, but there are lots of people who are just looking to make thier lives easier at the cost of others.

Op,

You are fine. If you want, offer to share the driving. But it is also ok for you to want to just take care of your own kid. The people who believe in all the it takes a village crap are usually the ones that take more than they give.

Helping someone out is not "being a doormat." It's being kind. That's what kind people do. At some point in our lives, we will all be in need of help and need to rely on the kindness of others. I simply cannot believe all the selfish assholes that need something in return before you would do something nice and totally within your ability to do (with minimal output - you're going there anyway). Very disheartening and shows an utter decline in civility, kindness, and neighborliness. You're all awful.

We don’t care what you think. Go ahead. Be a doormat. Power to you.

Or rather, no power to you. The users are licking their chops.

Not a single person who knows me would mistake me for a doormat. Nor would they mistake me for the selfish ass, with nothing to stand upon besides insults, like you are.

DP.

You are miserable, defensive and judgmental for someone who claims to be so "generous."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Am I terrible?

"Terrible" is too strong. I'd go with "not great."

Why? Because she is not a doormat? The other family wants her to do something for them with no offer of returning the favor. It woukd be different if the family had an illness or something, but there are lots of people who are just looking to make thier lives easier at the cost of others.

Op,

You are fine. If you want, offer to share the driving. But it is also ok for you to want to just take care of your own kid. The people who believe in all the it takes a village crap are usually the ones that take more than they give.

Helping someone out is not "being a doormat." It's being kind. That's what kind people do. At some point in our lives, we will all be in need of help and need to rely on the kindness of others. I simply cannot believe all the selfish assholes that need something in return before you would do something nice and totally within your ability to do (with minimal output - you're going there anyway). Very disheartening and shows an utter decline in civility, kindness, and neighborliness. You're all awful.

I get the feeling from OPs post that the other woman isn’t particularly friendly or kind to her. So she’s the one who sounds like a selfish asshole since she’s not offering to do a part of the driving.

[Anonymous]

Don't do it if you don't want to and don't feel guilty about it. You're not running public transportation in the area. Why inconvenience yourself when they won't inconvenience themselves returning the favor? You do you. Let them handle their child's transportation issues. These parents can find other sources of transportation for the child