How do you know if your marriage is dead beyond repair—and do you stay for kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just agree you'll be like 2 ships passing in the night. A glorified roommate situation. That way, nobody has to pay for 2 households, the kids are in 1 place, the kids see you as a "united" front, you can still do family events (even it it takes every ounce of strength to do so in a civilized manner) which is super important to the kids, maintain normalcy, etc.

What about the emotional and physical intimacy part? He will not agree to an open marriage.

Well, then you have to figure out if that is more important that being a full time parent. Every other Christmas without your kids, every other Thanksgiving without your kids, countless weekend a summer's without them. Missing birthdays.

You have to be willing to give that up on the gamble that you will find your fantasy man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here: I am not rewriting history. I am very self-aware. I knew I did not want to be trying on wedding dresses. I knew we should have broken up at the 4-month mark of dating. I knew why I tried to break up before getting engaged. He convinced me not to break up with him. I new exactly what I was doing...I was trying to get over someone else who was a total jerk to me. I was with my DH only because he seemed nice and that seemed to be enough. I knew I was wrong and did it anyway.

This is exactly me, too. But I made the decision to stay and stay by being all in. It has helped some.

[Anonymous]

It’s hard to commit to someone you don’t respect as a partner, even if you are respectful in your interactions. You are almost guaranteed to grow resentment. I could not respect my ex because he represented values that contradicted mine. As I stated I lost respect for myself and who I was becoming. I left and things got harder before they got better, but they did get better. Finally. I would never go back, and instead focus on trying to give as much as I can in coparenting now with my ex to support our child. My fear of my daughter seeing my misery, thinking it was normal, and advocating for her having a marriage like that made me want to leave even more. But there are no easy choices

[Anonymous]

stated = stayed

[Anonymous]

My marriage was here. He just went nuts between substances and untreated mental health issues/physical issues. A great guy crumbled before my eyes.

I chose to leave. Its been two or three of the hardest months of my life, but I already have a renewed sense of purpose, gratitude, and joy. And this is with kids! Living with someone who you don't love or who doesn't love you is brutally hard for someone like me who demands rigorous honesty. I'm a joyful person and can't "fake it" in any way. There are so many unknowns in my life right now, but none of them start or end with feeling afraid in my own home.

You already sound checked out, I encourage you to leave and forge your own way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here: I am not rewriting history. I am very self-aware. I knew I did not want to be trying on wedding dresses. I knew we should have broken up at the 4-month mark of dating. I knew why I tried to break up before getting engaged. He convinced me not to break up with him. I new exactly what I was doing...I was trying to get over someone else who was a total jerk to me. I was with my DH only because he seemed nice and that seemed to be enough. I knew I was wrong and did it anyway.

This is exactly me, too. But I made the decision to stay and stay by being all in. It has helped some.

You made the right decision. I mean how selfish of OP, you marry the poor guy, bring kids into your fuc%ed up world and then walk away?

Once you have kids, your decisions impact more than yourself
Furthermore OP clearly cannot even have a functional relationship. The OP was with a jerk before that. Sounds like OP is a mess and always has been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here: I am not rewriting history. I am very self-aware. I knew I did not want to be trying on wedding dresses. I knew we should have broken up at the 4-month mark of dating. I knew why I tried to break up before getting engaged. He convinced me not to break up with him. I new exactly what I was doing...I was trying to get over someone else who was a total jerk to me. I was with my DH only because he seemed nice and that seemed to be enough. I knew I was wrong and did it anyway.

This is exactly me, too. But I made the decision to stay and stay by being all in. It has helped some.

You made the right decision. I mean how selfish of OP, you marry the poor guy, bring kids into your fuc%ed up world and then walk away?

Once you have kids, your decisions impact more than yourself
Furthermore OP clearly cannot even have a functional relationship. The OP was with a jerk before that. Sounds like OP is a mess and always has been.

+1

[Anonymous]

You have done your husband and your children a huge disservice OP. It sounds to me like pretty much all of this is your fault, from the beginning. You "tried" to break up with him? He "convinced" you to have a kid? Then another one?

WTH. You are nuts. You deserve whatever you get. Your family doesn't.

[Anonymous]

My ex-husband and I felt like roommates, because I wasn't happy and he was perfectly happy to just drift along. I ended it because I couldn't bear the thought of staying just for the kids. My youngest was 3, my oldest 7. Because we were friends more than anything else, there was no animosity. We went together to work up our divorce papers. (The lawyer said he had never seen that happen before). We love our kids, and didn't want them to have to deal with anything else on top of a divorce. We've been divorced for 8 years, I'm remarried, and we have such an easy relationship! My husband and my ex are great friends, he comes to visit at Christmas and stays at our house, and we go to visit during the summer and stay at his house. (He lives 1100 miles away). Because of the way we worked out our divorce, they can move back and forth without court involvement (which my two oldest have done).. He's one of my best friends, and I have never regretted my decision. Good luck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you have a real desire and need for emotional and physical intimacy being good parents and excellent roommates is not the worst life. If he has said he doesn't want a divorce then you should tell him what needs to happen for it not to happen. If you can't go on this way he needs to see what heed and you need to do together.

I just don't want to be with him anymore. There is nothing he can do to change this feeling. I have felt this way for years and years. I have been telling me being roommates is not the worst life for almost a decade now. But now it is really getting to me.

OP, you need to let him go, let him find someone new. I know you're concerned about the kids, but I can assure you, staying together for the kids, as I did, was not good. They had a rough childhood with parents who argued too much and were obviously completely mismatched. We all would have been better off if I had called it quits when the kids were very young (like you I was never all in to the marriage but it was on the rebound.) My ex wanted to stay together in spite of our problems but he was really frustrated at no sex life. I waited until the youngest was 16 (wanted to wait until 18 but it just got unbearable). My ex is now happy with a new woman and I did the best thing, finally, by letting him go. Do it sooner, not later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every marriage is different. Every divorce is different. In my case, our co-parenting is much better than our marriage was.

Look at some of the threads in special parenting concerns on co-parenting to get a peek of what you could be in store for, and compare to what you’re dealing with now.

How old are your children?

One is in preschool; one is in early elementary school

So you have clearly been having sex.

You just need to get out. You're miserable and not getting your needs met, period. You're done. Your kids are young and will be fine, just make sure they get some counseling and reassurance. Try your best to work out an amicable Co parenting situation and keep things civil. But do this now. Don't spend your life with someone you're not at all into. Everyone, including your kids, will be fine.

Let me explain it for you: the first was conceived the very first and only time we had unprotected sex, which I immediately regretted afterward but resulted in pregnancy. We did not have sex until three years later when my second was conceived. And then we did not have sex for four more years after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want too much from marriage. Don't upheave your family over this.

What?! I think we as a culture expect too much from marriage, but sex only once in seven years is too much to accept. She owes it to herself to change her situation, whether that means demanding more from her marriage or moving on.

This× 1000. You need to move on. Your kids will be fine. Keep the coparenting thing amicable and reassure kids . You're not happy and haven't been for a long time. 7 years!!! God, I'm surprised you lasted this long.

To all those that advise years of counseling and work to create intimacy that's not there... to he'll with that! It's her life too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I answered this question before, OP. I actually went and found what I wrote because it still makes sense to me.

As someone on the other side of marriage and children and family, I will give you a bit of insight. Yes, there were YEARS when I seriously considered getting divorced. Yes, these were the same years when we had small children or financial struggles or health issues. I didn't and I didn't because I don't view marriage as solely a romantic relationship. It is much, much deeper to me. It's family. It's taking someone and making them your person. And while we never veered into true toxic territory (abuse, adultery, etc.), we had the kind of rough patches that sent many, many of my friends into divorces. The difference? We worked through them and after each one, we were stronger, closer, more intimate. We had a mutual respect and fundamental kindness that was the ethos of our marriage. We went through fire together (or alone, pulling the other on their backs). And I say looking at three grown kids, an empty, sold house and a retirement, our next phase strangely feels like the first one. We travel, we have fun, we have time, we nap, sleep together, have long talks about the meaning of it all, and if it was a recording or a text of our days, we would sound strangely similar to those two 24 year olds who lost their jobs and decided to wonder around Europe together for a year (where I spend equal parts crying and feeling more alive than I ever had). But we're 65 and it's a lifetime between those points. Three kids. A grandchild. Five different careers (yes, I mean careers, not jobs). A flight attendant turned speech therapist. A journalist, turned attorney, turned high school history teacher. A house that some other young family is now raising their children in. My gray hair. His long departed hair. We are so much more than those difficult years when I was a stressed out working mom and he was a stressed out working father. A blip. But I didn't know this at the time. I felt it, I felt that there was a long game to be had when it comes to marriage. But I didn't realize how long and how great the payoff could be.

I don't know how other people define love and marriage. But I think my deal was worth making.

OP here. I do appreciate your post...but I am not in this situation. If I felt the love was there from the beginning, I would stay. There wasn't. It was just a mistake but now there are kids involved. I wanted to leave within a year of marriage and had doubts literally walking down the aisle. We also married later (early 30s). Also, we do not have this: "We had a mutual respect and fundamental kindness that was the ethos of our marriage." We don't even like each other. It is all pretend.

PP here. Then the choice is clear. If you don't want to be married, end your marriage. Pull the plug and deal with the fallout. Everything is a choice and choosing to stay is a fine one, but OWN IT. Own your decision to stay. Own your decision to go. Stop making it about what he's doing or not doing and take a long look at yourself and move forward. You don't want to stay married. Well, leave. You want a better marriage? Well, it's a ton of work, but you need to at least do your part. Either way.

One thing I am seeing in your posts is a wish that your marriage can end without any culpability or wrong on your part. That's not happening. It takes two to marry, you both decided on children, and you walked down the isle. You said yes. Stop blaming someone else for your choices and start living your life on honest terms. That's not happening now.

This is b.s. a decision made years ago under different circumstances does not amount to a life sentence. She's unhappy and done. Pull the plug and move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have done your husband and your children a huge disservice OP. It sounds to me like pretty much all of this is your fault, from the beginning. You "tried" to break up with him? He "convinced" you to have a kid? Then another one?

WTH. You are nuts. You deserve whatever you get. Your family doesn't.

Sounds to me like her husband was a bit dense. If you have to beg someone not to leave you and convince them to have your child, that's a sign that you are not with the right person. He should've left.