How do you know if your marriage is dead beyond repair—and do you stay for kids?

[Anonymous]

I doubted getting married and thought of divorce many years ago right before finding out I was pregnant. I have never been all into the marriage as a result. There are two kids now.

Most of the years we have been married have been sexless (both our faults…low testosterone, my resentments over certain things, not wanting to use hormonal birth control again, etc.). The emotional and physical intimacy is so lacking, it is horrible. We are good parents and excellent roommates.

We had an argument recently that was very bad. He said he wanted a divorce (he has threatened this before in stupid arguments). There is a family issue now where I don’t want to interact with his parents ever again. I called an attorney the next day. A few days later I suggested we get a mediator. He apologized and said he does not want a divorce. I said if it weren’t for the kids, I’d already been out. And I have felt like this for years.

I am not sure if the right thing to do is to keep going through the motions for the kids because they don’t know anything is wrong or really move toward living separate lives. It’s difficult to stay when you really don’t want to be in it. But co-parenting seems worse than marriage. He would not want an open marriage…I would actually consider that. Opinions?

[Anonymous]

Every marriage is different. Every divorce is different. In my case, our co-parenting is much better than our marriage was.

Look at some of the threads in special parenting concerns on co-parenting to get a peek of what you could be in store for, and compare to what you’re dealing with now.

How old are your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every marriage is different. Every divorce is different. In my case, our co-parenting is much better than our marriage was.

Look at some of the threads in special parenting concerns on co-parenting to get a peek of what you could be in store for, and compare to what you’re dealing with now.

How old are your children?

One is in preschool; one is in early elementary school

[Anonymous]

Unless you have a real desire and need for emotional and physical intimacy being good parents and excellent roommates is not the worst life. If he has said he doesn't want a divorce then you should tell him what needs to happen for it not to happen. If you can't go on this way he needs to see what heed and you need to do together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you have a real desire and need for emotional and physical intimacy being good parents and excellent roommates is not the worst life. If he has said he doesn't want a divorce then you should tell him what needs to happen for it not to happen. If you can't go on this way he needs to see what heed and you need to do together.

I just don't want to be with him anymore. There is nothing he can do to change this feeling. I have felt this way for years and years. I have been telling me being roommates is not the worst life for almost a decade now. But now it is really getting to me.

[Anonymous]

Just agree you'll be like 2 ships passing in the night. A glorified roommate situation. That way, nobody has to pay for 2 households, the kids are in 1 place, the kids see you as a "united" front, you can still do family events (even it it takes every ounce of strength to do so in a civilized manner) which is super important to the kids, maintain normalcy, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just agree you'll be like 2 ships passing in the night. A glorified roommate situation. That way, nobody has to pay for 2 households, the kids are in 1 place, the kids see you as a "united" front, you can still do family events (even it it takes every ounce of strength to do so in a civilized manner) which is super important to the kids, maintain normalcy, etc.

What about the emotional and physical intimacy part? He will not agree to an open marriage.

[Anonymous]

Do you desire physical and emotional intimacy. If you do, divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every marriage is different. Every divorce is different. In my case, our co-parenting is much better than our marriage was.

Look at some of the threads in special parenting concerns on co-parenting to get a peek of what you could be in store for, and compare to what you’re dealing with now.

How old are your children?

One is in preschool; one is in early elementary school

So you have clearly been having sex.

[Anonymous]

I do not believe in staying for kids. Your marriage shows them what they should expect from marriage. I did not want my kids growing up expecting to be in a miserable relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just agree you'll be like 2 ships passing in the night. A glorified roommate situation. That way, nobody has to pay for 2 households, the kids are in 1 place, the kids see you as a "united" front, you can still do family events (even it it takes every ounce of strength to do so in a civilized manner) which is super important to the kids, maintain normalcy, etc.

What about the emotional and physical intimacy part? He will not agree to an open marriage.

Then divorce him or get a FWB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every marriage is different. Every divorce is different. In my case, our co-parenting is much better than our marriage was.

Look at some of the threads in special parenting concerns on co-parenting to get a peek of what you could be in store for, and compare to what you’re dealing with now.

How old are your children?

One is in preschool; one is in early elementary school

So you have clearly been having sex.

Let me explain it for you: the first was conceived the very first and only time we had unprotected sex, which I immediately regretted afterward but resulted in pregnancy. We did not have sex until three years later when my second was conceived. And then we did not have sex for four more years after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just agree you'll be like 2 ships passing in the night. A glorified roommate situation. That way, nobody has to pay for 2 households, the kids are in 1 place, the kids see you as a "united" front, you can still do family events (even it it takes every ounce of strength to do so in a civilized manner) which is super important to the kids, maintain normalcy, etc.

What about the emotional and physical intimacy part? He will not agree to an open marriage.

Do you want to see other people? For me, I was so focused on the kids, trying to stay "normal" and not let on to the kids, getting a job (and doing well at it), keeping up with the household routine/kids's activities/daily grind that I had NO interest (or time) in seeing other people. I just really focused on things, became really present with my kids, engaged, etc.
Maybe in a few years, but for now this is how it is.

YMMV.

[Anonymous]

I am in much the same situation. Sexless marriage due to low T and resentment. Lack of any affection or companionship, let alone desire. But we are good parents and reasonably effective housemates. Kids are happy and successful. The only thing that has kept me in the marriage for the last 2 years is the kids. If my partner stopped being cold and distant, I am not even sure I could start feeling affection or desire myself again.

Cheat, divorce, or live a sexless and affectionless life. Not a great set of options... but don't know what to do...

[Anonymous]

I would divorce while they’re young. I spoke to a 79 year old woman who lamented about waiting until she was 50 to divorce, because there weren’t resources to support women in her day with 3 children. Listening to her put time in perspective. Her children werent granted some beautiful outcome because she stayed as long as she did either.

Every situation will be different, but if you really look into constructively divorcing with resources that can support your kids, you and your (STBX?)H, you can salvage the good that remains and put your work toward something that no one else can sabotage. And give everyone a chance. If he is on board with the same thing, the odds are better for you all.