How do you know if your marriage is dead beyond repair—and do you stay for kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want too much from marriage. Don't upheave your family over this.

What?! I think we as a culture expect too much from marriage, but sex only once in seven years is too much to accept. She owes it to herself to change her situation, whether that means demanding more from her marriage or moving on.

Of course, they can rework their marriage and rekindle intimacy. It takes work but obviously you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or you can try to reset, separate, make new rules and date again. Salvage what is good in your marriage and build on that. Learn new behaviors if your DH is willing to do the same. Just adding another option. Either way you will have to work. Which effort has the best overall value for everyone?

If either of both of you are poor communicators doing a separation is a waste of time. Either live a marriage of convenience/roommates or divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want too much from marriage. Don't upheave your family over this.

What?! I think we as a culture expect too much from marriage, but sex only once in seven years is too much to accept. She owes it to herself to change her situation, whether that means demanding more from her marriage or moving on.

Of course, they can rework their marriage and rekindle intimacy. It takes work but obviously you can.

OP here: I do not know how to rekindle something that was never really there. The marriage was a giant mistake. I have always felt this way. It was lacking while dating. We should have broken up but did not. I think it would be different if there was something to rekindle...problem is something was always missing and we both settled.

[Anonymous]

OP, you've already given up on your marriage...and your kids are way too young for you to be able to simply wait until they're out of the house to live a life that will make you happy.

While I would, in your situation, try marriage counseling first...I also am invested in the success of my marriage (and also can't relate to never having really loved my DH). Counseling won't work if you don't really still want ot be married...it will be hard. In your case, amicable divorce might be possible and for the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want too much from marriage. Don't upheave your family over this.

What?! I think we as a culture expect too much from marriage, but sex only once in seven years is too much to accept. She owes it to herself to change her situation, whether that means demanding more from her marriage or moving on.

Of course, they can rework their marriage and rekindle intimacy. It takes work but obviously you can.

OP here: I do not know how to rekindle something that was never really there. The marriage was a giant mistake. I have always felt this way. It was lacking while dating. We should have broken up but did not. I think it would be different if there was something to rekindle...problem is something was always missing and we both settled.

And yet you had children who expect to grow up in a stable environment.

own your mistakes OP, get on with the work of being part of a positive family and stop griping here about not having sex.

There are plenty of marriages with low to no sex. That is not the be all and end all unless you are a teenager.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want too much from marriage. Don't upheave your family over this.

What?! I think we as a culture expect too much from marriage, but sex only once in seven years is too much to accept. She owes it to herself to change her situation, whether that means demanding more from her marriage or moving on.

Of course, they can rework their marriage and rekindle intimacy. It takes work but obviously you can.

OP here: I do not know how to rekindle something that was never really there. The marriage was a giant mistake. I have always felt this way. It was lacking while dating. We should have broken up but did not. I think it would be different if there was something to rekindle...problem is something was always missing and we both settled.

And yet you had children who expect to grow up in a stable environment.

own your mistakes OP, get on with the work of being part of a positive family and stop griping here about not having sex.

There are plenty of marriages with low to no sex. That is not the be all and end all unless you are a teenager.

OP here: my kids were conceived in once-in-blue moon things. I did not expect to get pregnant either time (the first time was a true no-protection mistake). Also, this is not just about sex. We don't talk except for things dealing with the kids. We do not go out. We are not friends. We are not close emotionally or physically. This about how do you stay for kids if you are unhappy every single day and feel like you are in prison even though "it is best for the kids." (Even if we divorced I know 100% they would have a better childhood than I did for a variety of reasons--and my parents were married, unfortunately).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want too much from marriage. Don't upheave your family over this.

What?! I think we as a culture expect too much from marriage, but sex only once in seven years is too much to accept. She owes it to herself to change her situation, whether that means demanding more from her marriage or moving on.

Of course, they can rework their marriage and rekindle intimacy. It takes work but obviously you can.

OP here: I do not know how to rekindle something that was never really there. The marriage was a giant mistake. I have always felt this way. It was lacking while dating. We should have broken up but did not. I think it would be different if there was something to rekindle...problem is something was always missing and we both settled.

And yet you had children who expect to grow up in a stable environment.

own your mistakes OP, get on with the work of being part of a positive family and stop griping here about not having sex.

There are plenty of marriages with low to no sex. That is not the be all and end all unless you are a teenager.

OP here: my kids were conceived in once-in-blue moon things. I did not expect to get pregnant either time (the first time was a true no-protection mistake). Also, this is not just about sex. We don't talk except for things dealing with the kids. We do not go out. We are not friends. We are not close emotionally or physically. This about how do you stay for kids if you are unhappy every single day and feel like you are in prison even though "it is best for the kids." (Even if we divorced I know 100% they would have a better childhood than I did for a variety of reasons--and my parents were married, unfortunately).

Sure, but why should the OP accept it? She did not sign up for a lifetime of celibacy.

[Anonymous]

There are a lot of people in miserable marriages that are holding on to status because they are afraid of the stigma of divorce. They use their kids to justify their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want too much from marriage. Don't upheave your family over this.

What?! I think we as a culture expect too much from marriage, but sex only once in seven years is too much to accept. She owes it to herself to change her situation, whether that means demanding more from her marriage or moving on.

Of course, they can rework their marriage and rekindle intimacy. It takes work but obviously you can.

OP here: I do not know how to rekindle something that was never really there. The marriage was a giant mistake. I have always felt this way. It was lacking while dating. We should have broken up but did not. I think it would be different if there was something to rekindle...problem is something was always missing and we both settled.

And yet you had children who expect to grow up in a stable environment.

own your mistakes OP, get on with the work of being part of a positive family and stop griping here about not having sex.

There are plenty of marriages with low to no sex. That is not the be all and end all unless you are a teenager.

OP here: my kids were conceived in once-in-blue moon things. I did not expect to get pregnant either time (the first time was a true no-protection mistake). Also, this is not just about sex. We don't talk except for things dealing with the kids. We do not go out. We are not friends. We are not close emotionally or physically. This about how do you stay for kids if you are unhappy every single day and feel like you are in prison even though "it is best for the kids." (Even if we divorced I know 100% they would have a better childhood than I did for a variety of reasons--and my parents were married, unfortunately).

This sounds miserable, but only you can decide whether to leave. I would leave for the reasons you just gave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want too much from marriage. Don't upheave your family over this.

What?! I think we as a culture expect too much from marriage, but sex only once in seven years is too much to accept. She owes it to herself to change her situation, whether that means demanding more from her marriage or moving on.

Of course, they can rework their marriage and rekindle intimacy. It takes work but obviously you can.

OP here: I do not know how to rekindle something that was never really there. The marriage was a giant mistake. I have always felt this way. It was lacking while dating. We should have broken up but did not. I think it would be different if there was something to rekindle...problem is something was always missing and we both settled.

And yet you had children who expect to grow up in a stable environment.

own your mistakes OP, get on with the work of being part of a positive family and stop griping here about not having sex.

There are plenty of marriages with low to no sex. That is not the be all and end all unless you are a teenager.

OP here: my kids were conceived in once-in-blue moon things. I did not expect to get pregnant either time (the first time was a true no-protection mistake). Also, this is not just about sex. We don't talk except for things dealing with the kids. We do not go out. We are not friends. We are not close emotionally or physically. This about how do you stay for kids if you are unhappy every single day and feel like you are in prison even though "it is best for the kids." (Even if we divorced I know 100% they would have a better childhood than I did for a variety of reasons--and my parents were married, unfortunately).

Then start working to change those things!! It's not the easy way out but it's the right one. And the noble one as well. Start talking to him. Plan a regular date night where you schedule an activity to do together - tennis? Bowling? Biking? Anything you can do together. Put your resentment aside, share a bottle of wine, and I isolate sex with him. Do it again in a few days. Send him texts thanking him for doing x/y/z, and telling him how much you appreciate something he's done. Ask him to take walks with you after dinner. Start watching a show together, and sit near each other while you watch.

Turn this around. What do you have to lose? Your problem is you decided SO long ago that you didn't want this marriage to work and you weren't committed to working on it...so of COURSE you've ended up where you are. The hurt and resentment has built up over the y are on both sides, but you can put that aside and try to build a strong marriage at this point. You owe it to your children, and to yourself, AND to your husband, to give this a genuine effort. Take that one foot you've already had out the door all these years, and bring it back in and commit to actually trying to break the bad habits you've gotten into

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're fed up and arguing with other posters about why you can't stay. So leave. Why did you even post this "question?" You know you need to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you're fed up and arguing with other posters about why you can't stay. So leave. Why did you even post this "question?" You know you need to leave.

+1. I don’t think you should stay in the marriage for the kids unless you are going to work on the marriage. It’s only a matter of time before someone cheats, says they want a divorce, decides they want to date and the new person is a better match etc. it’s basically kicking the can down the road until the kids are teenagers and in some ways it will be harder then. In the meanwhile your kids don’t see a healthy loving relationship. There are cases where an open marriage works but I think that has to be something both people want, not someone unknowingly in an open relationship or goes along just to keep his/her spouse.

[Anonymous]

A marriage is dead when there is either no intimacy or no communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want too much from marriage. Don't upheave your family over this.

What?! I think we as a culture expect too much from marriage, but sex only once in seven years is too much to accept. She owes it to herself to change her situation, whether that means demanding more from her marriage or moving on.

So what do you owe your kids? Do you owe them a stable, intact family, even if that means you have to sacrifice your sex life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: my kids were conceived in once-in-blue moon things. I did not expect to get pregnant either time (the first time was a true no-protection mistake). Also, this is not just about sex. We don't talk except for things dealing with the kids. We do not go out. We are not friends. We are not close emotionally or physically. This about how do you stay for kids if you are unhappy every single day and feel like you are in prison even though "it is best for the kids." (Even if we divorced I know 100% they would have a better childhood than I did for a variety of reasons--and my parents were married, unfortunately).

This is where I am, too. I know I should do the things another PP suggested.* It just seems like so much work... especially for someone I feel doesn't even really like me...

* "Plan a regular date night where you schedule an activity to do together - tennis? Bowling? Biking? Anything you can do together. Put your resentment aside, share a bottle of wine, and I isolate sex with him. Do it again in a few days. Send him texts thanking him for doing x/y/z, and telling him how much you appreciate something he's done. Ask him to take walks with you after dinner. Start watching a show together, and sit near each other while you watch."