How do you know if your marriage is dead beyond repair—and do you stay for kids?

[Anonymous]

Or you can try to reset, separate, make new rules and date again. Salvage what is good in your marriage and build on that. Learn new behaviors if your DH is willing to do the same. Just adding another option. Either way you will have to work. Which effort has the best overall value for everyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or you can try to reset, separate, make new rules and date again. Salvage what is good in your marriage and build on that. Learn new behaviors if your DH is willing to do the same. Just adding another option. Either way you will have to work. Which effort has the best overall value for everyone?

+1

[Anonymous]

Nope, the kids need to be your priority here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, the kids need to be your priority here.

PP here - my kids WERE my priority which was why I left. For them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope, the kids need to be your priority here.

OP here. I asked my parents to divorce when I was 8 years old. They would have been better off divorced and I could sense it. It is not always better to stay for the kids. My parents are still married and I think it is such an incredible waste of both of their lives to to have been miserable this entire time (more than 30 years). My husband and I have a better relationship than my parents (we don't fight that much but that is because there is no passion or emotion) minus the intimacy part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, the kids need to be your priority here.

OP here. I asked my parents to divorce when I was 8 years old. They would have been better off divorced and I could sense it. It is not always better to stay for the kids. My parents are still married and I think it is such an incredible waste of both of their lives to to have been miserable this entire time (more than 30 years). My husband and I have a better relationship than my parents (we don't fight that much but that is because there is no passion or emotion) minus the intimacy part.

Then how about you WORK on the intimacy part? It will not be easy; it's not supposed to be easy. But if you leave your marriage without going all in on that and giving it several dedicated years of committed work, then that's on you. There is a long of damage snd built-up resentment there; it will take time and hard work. But I think you owe it to your kids, not to mention yourself. I would advise counseling.
You yourself have said multiple times that your marriage isn't so bad, you're excellent co-parents and roommates, and it's just the intimacy part.

[Anonymous]

If all you really want is permission or validation to divorce, here you go. The divorce cheerleaders are strong on this site, break up your marriage and go in peace.

But if you want actual opinions, I don't think this situation warrants a divorce. I also think your negative mindset is a huge part of the problem. You WANT it to fail, and you decided that long ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, the kids need to be your priority here.

OP here. I asked my parents to divorce when I was 8 years old. They would have been better off divorced and I could sense it. It is not always better to stay for the kids. My parents are still married and I think it is such an incredible waste of both of their lives to to have been miserable this entire time (more than 30 years). My husband and I have a better relationship than my parents (we don't fight that much but that is because there is no passion or emotion) minus the intimacy part.

Then how about you WORK on the intimacy part? It will not be easy; it's not supposed to be easy. But if you leave your marriage without going all in on that and giving it several dedicated years of committed work, then that's on you. There is a long of damage snd built-up resentment there; it will take time and hard work. But I think you owe it to your kids, not to mention yourself. I would advise counseling.
You yourself have said multiple times that your marriage isn't so bad, you're excellent co-parents and roommates, and it's just the intimacy part.

Not OP, but how do you recreate intimacy if you're really not feeling it?

It took a long time for me to get to the point where I am now... where desire and affection are dead... and I don't even know where to begin with rekindling them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If all you really want is permission or validation to divorce, here you go. The divorce cheerleaders are strong on this site, break up your marriage and go in peace.

But if you want actual opinions, I don't think this situation warrants a divorce. I also think your negative mindset is a huge part of the problem. You WANT it to fail, and you decided that long ago.

You do not believe that a sexless marriage warrants a divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just agree you'll be like 2 ships passing in the night. A glorified roommate situation. That way, nobody has to pay for 2 households, the kids are in 1 place, the kids see you as a "united" front, you can still do family events (even it it takes every ounce of strength to do so in a civilized manner) which is super important to the kids, maintain normalcy, etc.

What about the emotional and physical intimacy part? He will not agree to an open marriage.

Then divorce him or get a FWB.

Your marriage is already open.
Sexless == open.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, the kids need to be your priority here.

OP here. I asked my parents to divorce when I was 8 years old. They would have been better off divorced and I could sense it. It is not always better to stay for the kids. My parents are still married and I think it is such an incredible waste of both of their lives to to have been miserable this entire time (more than 30 years). My husband and I have a better relationship than my parents (we don't fight that much but that is because there is no passion or emotion) minus the intimacy part.

Then how about you WORK on the intimacy part? It will not be easy; it's not supposed to be easy. But if you leave your marriage without going all in on that and giving it several dedicated years of committed work, then that's on you. There is a long of damage snd built-up resentment there; it will take time and hard work. But I think you owe it to your kids, not to mention yourself. I would advise counseling.
You yourself have said multiple times that your marriage isn't so bad, you're excellent co-parents and roommates, and it's just the intimacy part.

Several years of work is ridiculous. They are not compatible.

[Anonymous]

You want too much from marriage. Don't upheave your family over this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want too much from marriage. Don't upheave your family over this.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope, the kids need to be your priority here.

OP here. I asked my parents to divorce when I was 8 years old. They would have been better off divorced and I could sense it. It is not always better to stay for the kids. My parents are still married and I think it is such an incredible waste of both of their lives to to have been miserable this entire time (more than 30 years). My husband and I have a better relationship than my parents (we don't fight that much but that is because there is no passion or emotion) minus the intimacy part.

Then how about you WORK on the intimacy part? It will not be easy; it's not supposed to be easy. But if you leave your marriage without going all in on that and giving it several dedicated years of committed work, then that's on you. There is a long of damage snd built-up resentment there; it will take time and hard work. But I think you owe it to your kids, not to mention yourself. I would advise counseling.
You yourself have said multiple times that your marriage isn't so bad, you're excellent co-parents and roommates, and it's just the intimacy part.

Several years of work is ridiculous. They are not compatible.

Maybe, but unless they seek therapy (alone or as a couple) they will probably repeat the same unfulfilling patterns in future relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want too much from marriage. Don't upheave your family over this.

What?! I think we as a culture expect too much from marriage, but sex only once in seven years is too much to accept. She owes it to herself to change her situation, whether that means demanding more from her marriage or moving on.