Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

[Anonymous]

I am a cousin who was contacted by an adoptee through a genealogy DNA site. I had no clue. Luckily I didn't have any identifying info on the site(made up user name and throw away email). In any event, I just didn't respond. However, I have other cousins who have their actual names listed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied? And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts? And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself. I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened. That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times.

And this could just as easily be spun to adopted child. You’ve had a family who has raised, loved, sacrificed and stood by you. What gives you the right to disminish them in order to find someone who does not want to meet you, did not want any of those things, but gave you your blood type? Are you so “fragile” (your own words) that you do not see that every one has the right to living their own life as they see fit? They gave you life, and the gift of a family. Why do you need to push them for more?

And to add: I get it. Being adopted adds a unique narrative. But it does not give you the right to change someone’s life. Many people have imperfect childhoods and somehow cope without ripping other people’s lives apart. A closed adoption is that: closed. The mom did speak for herself. Sure, someone didn’t “want”you... but at least you have the flip side, unlike a lot of children raised by their bio parents, in that somoen DID want you.

because the adoptee is the child, not the parent. They had no say in the matter at all and their lives are often ripped apart by the sense of longing and loss that comes with being an adoptee. The birth parent is still the grownup in the situation and has had 100% of the control. After decades have gone by, that child now deserves some information. And FYI -- NO ADOPTEE would ever suggest finding their birth parent diminishes anything about their adoptive parents.

And at the same point, you are diminishing the decision of your birth parent to decide that they were not a suitable parent for you
. Do you think anyone comes to this lightly? Do you think they never consider the alternatives?

I sure hope you support free contraception and abortion if you think these are simple things.

I am not diminishing it, but saying that the child's right to know their parentage trumps the birth parent's right to not be disturbed 18 years later. I say it because the reason for the trend in open or semi-open adoptions is the realization that the focus should be on the child's well-being. In fact, in the UK, Australia, most of Europe and Canada, all adoptees have the right to their birth certificate when they turn 18.

The idea that one adult is denied access to their medical and genetic history, to answer questions about their own bodies and lives and their own human history because another adult decided it would make them unhappy is just wrong.

And yes, I absolutely agree that birth control and abortions should be affordable or free and much more available.

OP here. I'm surprised by this. The only birth certificate that was ever issued to my sister lists my parents (the adopted parents) as the official parents. It says no where on my sister's birth certificate that she was adopted or had a different birth mother.

You get two birth certificates. The first one has the birthmother/father listed as parents and once you adopt, you send the court order to the agency and they change the birth certificate. I have both the original birth certificates with my child's birthparents on it and I have the one listing us as parents. I had his birth mom sign the form for me so I could get both and have it for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If people don't want to be contacted (for whatever reason), then that's it. That's the end of road. No one has an obligation to talk to the adoptee if they don't want to.

And if an adopted child wishes to send letters or emails to his or her biological parent, that child has that right as well. The adopted child also has a right to share any information he or she has learned about birth parents. There may be social norms and etiquette, but that’s not the law. Another person asked why anyone would think cousins would know about a child who was given up for adoption. Well, why wouldn’t they? Why do we assume that biological mother is our ashamed of their babies or their choice to provide their kids with a better life as is so often stated? And, most basic of all, having a child is not a private matter. Of course, there are others present for the event, and one would hope that the father would be aware of the baby as well. Most of all, though, the baby is a person.

You think it's okay to keep contacting people even when they have made it clear that they don't want to be contacted? That's harassment. No means no.

Sharing someone else's personal information without their consent can also be considered harassment.

No, Sharing information about the identity of your birth parents is not harassment. Like everything else, it can be done in a harassing way, but the fact of sharing the information is not harassment in anyway. And nobody is suggesting repeated contact with one individual that could lead to harassment issues. In the case we are talking about, the mother does not even know that her daughter is attempting to reach her.



This is a case of priorities. In my view, it is more important for an individual to have the opportunity to connect with birthparents than it is for birthparents to be allowed to maintain secrets. And in the circumstances at hand, the relatives all already know that there is a birth child they were previously unaware of. It is simply the birthmother deciding whether or not to have a conversation to connect in anyway with her birth child. As far as we know, she has no idea this child has reached out to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If people don't want to be contacted (for whatever reason), then that's it. That's the end of road. No one has an obligation to talk to the adoptee if they don't want to.

And if an adopted child wishes to send letters or emails to his or her biological parent, that child has that right as well. The adopted child also has a right to share any information he or she has learned about birth parents. There may be social norms and etiquette, but that’s not the law. Another person asked why anyone would think cousins would know about a child who was given up for adoption. Well, why wouldn’t they? Why do we assume that biological mother is our ashamed of their babies or their choice to provide their kids with a better life as is so often stated? And, most basic of all, having a child is not a private matter. Of course, there are others present for the event, and one would hope that the father would be aware of the baby as well. Most of all, though, the baby is a person.

You think it's okay to keep contacting people even when they have made it clear that they don't want to be contacted? That's harassment. No means no.

Sharing someone else's personal information without their consent can also be considered harassment.

NP here. If the birth parent replies that they don't wish to have contact, then that's the end. But the adoptee should have the chance to know who their parents are, even if those parents don't want to talk to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a cousin who was contacted by an adoptee through a genealogy DNA site. I had no clue. Luckily I didn't have any identifying info on the site(made up user name and throw away email). In any event, I just didn't respond. However, I have other cousins who have their actual names listed.

Curious- why wouldn't you want to know that person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If people don't want to be contacted (for whatever reason), then that's it. That's the end of road. No one has an obligation to talk to the adoptee if they don't want to.

And if an adopted child wishes to send letters or emails to his or her biological parent, that child has that right as well. The adopted child also has a right to share any information he or she has learned about birth parents. There may be social norms and etiquette, but that’s not the law. Another person asked why anyone would think cousins would know about a child who was given up for adoption. Well, why wouldn’t they? Why do we assume that biological mother is our ashamed of their babies or their choice to provide their kids with a better life as is so often stated? And, most basic of all, having a child is not a private matter. Of course, there are others present for the event, and one would hope that the father would be aware of the baby as well. Most of all, though, the baby is a person.

You think it's okay to keep contacting people even when they have made it clear that they don't want to be contacted? That's harassment. No means no.

Sharing someone else's personal information without their consent can also be considered harassment.

NP here. If the birth parent replies that they don't wish to have contact, then that's the end. But the adoptee should have the chance to know who their parents are, even if those parents don't want to talk to them.

ridiculous

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think anyone who is pregnant and reading this thread would choose abortion.

+1000
I a man reading posts by all these entitled adoptees and thinking how I am going to advise my children to abort in all circumstances.

[Anonymous]

I’m curious as to why the needs of the adoptee “trump” (direct quote) the need of the parent?

Isn’t this a matter of perspective?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied? And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts? And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself. I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened. That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times.

And this could just as easily be spun to adopted child. You’ve had a family who has raised, loved, sacrificed and stood by you. What gives you the right to disminish them in order to find someone who does not want to meet you, did not want any of those things, but gave you your blood type? Are you so “fragile” (your own words) that you do not see that every one has the right to living their own life as they see fit? They gave you life, and the gift of a family. Why do you need to push them for more?

And to add: I get it. Being adopted adds a unique narrative. But it does not give you the right to change someone’s life. Many people have imperfect childhoods and somehow cope without ripping other people’s lives apart. A closed adoption is that: closed. The mom did speak for herself. Sure, someone didn’t “want”you... but at least you have the flip side, unlike a lot of children raised by their bio parents, in that somoen DID want you.

It doesn’t diminish what adoptive parents did for their children for those children to want to find their birth family.

The reality is that the birth mothers were promised something that the modern world cannot actually provide. A permanently closed adoption where the children they put up for adoption will never be able to find dna related relatives. To act like people who have been adopted are villains for utilizing these commercialized tools to find their relatives (who btw opted into using these things) is just beyond dumb.

Literally no one is saying this. They are saying that the birth mother has indicated that she does not want to be contacted. The newly discovered blood relatives have indicated that they do not want to be contacted. Knowing that, the OP's sister should leave these people alone. OP's sister did nothing wrong in reaching out to them, but now that she knows they don't want to talk to her, she should respect that. And I say that as an adoptee.

Says right in the OP that an older relative freaked out and claimed that the sister had no right to message her....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister had a closed adoption and the birth mother was adamant she didn't want to be contacted. My sister took the Ancestry DNA test and found close relatives like cousins and siblings. She's been messaging them and they are upset, have no knowledge of the birth and don't want her to contact them. An older woman told my sister she had no right to do this. She has no way to message the birth mother directly.

Any advice? I think since it was a closed adoption she should only message the birth mother and not the rest of the family. My parents think this woman has no right to privacy in 2018 and her entire family should know about her teenage birth and don't care about any consequences if her children or husband or parents find out. I see both sides. I feel for this woman who was a young teen when she had the baby and chose adoption over abortion under the condition that it was a closed adoption. And then I feel for my sister who wants a new family.

Your sister made a huge mistake contacting family members of the birth mother. That alone would cause them to reject her. She does not get to decide whether or not they have a right to privacy. How does she know birth mother was not a victim of rape or incest? Privately contacting a birth mother is one thing. Outing her to family members and possibly her husband and children is another. Your sister is beyond selfish.

These relatives made the decision to be contacted by dna relatives WHEN THEY SIGNED UP FOR THIS SERVICE. You can’t opt out of maintaining your privacy and then get mad when you are contacted by people you don’t want to hear from...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think anyone who is pregnant and reading this thread would choose abortion.

Plenty of women opt for open adoptions...I actually think open is more common now than closed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think anyone who is pregnant and reading this thread would choose abortion.

Plenty of women opt for open adoptions...I actually think open is more common now than closed.

The past 10 years open adoption is more common but you are not talking about more recent adoptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep saying that it is the discovery of extended family of an unknown birth an adoption that will blow up a woman’s life? First, how fragile are you our relationships such that they cannot withstand something like this? Even decades later? Also, if there is a concern, isn’t it the fact that the mother kept a secret and likely lied? And that the child contacting her is just disclosing true facts? And in the case being discussed, the birth mother has not even been involved in the correspondence. Remember, she did not tell anyone, supposedly, about her child’s existence. If she didn’t trust anyone in her family, why would we think that she trusts them now, or that they communicate with her well, or are looking out for her best interest. Why not let the mom speak for herself. I certainly don’t think anybody owes anybody a relationship, but this woman made a decision on behalf of her child and is now surprised that that child wants to know the facts of what happened. That the birth mother, and now adult woman out on her own, not a fragile team, maybe uncomfortable doesn’t change anything in my view. Sometimes you’re just called to explain the facts, and when you give birth to a child, that’s one of those times.

And this could just as easily be spun to adopted child. You’ve had a family who has raised, loved, sacrificed and stood by you. What gives you the right to disminish them in order to find someone who does not want to meet you, did not want any of those things, but gave you your blood type? Are you so “fragile” (your own words) that you do not see that every one has the right to living their own life as they see fit? They gave you life, and the gift of a family. Why do you need to push them for more?

And to add: I get it. Being adopted adds a unique narrative. But it does not give you the right to change someone’s life. Many people have imperfect childhoods and somehow cope without ripping other people’s lives apart. A closed adoption is that: closed. The mom did speak for herself. Sure, someone didn’t “want”you... but at least you have the flip side, unlike a lot of children raised by their bio parents, in that somoen DID want you.

It doesn’t diminish what adoptive parents did for their children for those children to want to find their birth family.

The reality is that the birth mothers were promised something that the modern world cannot actually provide. A permanently closed adoption where the children they put up for adoption will never be able to find dna related relatives. To act like people who have been adopted are villains for utilizing these commercialized tools to find their relatives (who btw opted into using these things) is just beyond dumb.

Literally no one is saying this. They are saying that the birth mother has indicated that she does not want to be contacted. The newly discovered blood relatives have indicated that they do not want to be contacted. Knowing that, the OP's sister should leave these people alone. OP's sister did nothing wrong in reaching out to them, but now that she knows they don't want to talk to her, she should respect that. And I say that as an adoptee.

Says right in the OP that an older relative freaked out and claimed that the sister had no right to message her....

NP, but I think having the ability and having th “Right” are two different things. You can have information and choose to tread respectfully. That’s not what these folks are doing. They feel they have the right to do anything they want, because they share DNA.

Most people wouldn’t want their MILs going through their night stand table, even though they share DNA with their DHs.

These people adopted under the understanding of privacy. I don’t understand why their requests and needs are no longer important, or considered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to why the needs of the adoptee “trump” (direct quote) the need of the parent?

Isn’t this a matter of perspective?

I agree. The adopted child should be grateful they were given life and a better family. That's all they're owed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to why the needs of the adoptee “trump” (direct quote) the need of the parent?

Isn’t this a matter of perspective?

I think it depends on what the specific needs are. If you put a child up for adoption and say have a particular cancer that runs in your family or everyone in your family has a heart attack at 40 or something like that I think the adoptee’s right to get family medical history trumps the right to privacy. But if it’s just for socialization maybe not as much.