Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think the reason we have been waiting so long to adopt is our ages, DH and I are both 40. I think birth mothers in general prefer younger adoptive parents.
Anyhow, I also wanted to add that one of the main reasons that I am drawn to this child is because this child is the exact same ethnicity/culture as me and my husband (which is rare to find). The thought of being able to provide this child with the exact same traditions/culture of his/her birth parents/family that he/she probably would not be able to experience with another adoptive family, really warms my heart. While we are open to a child of any race/ethnicity, when this child's situation was presented to us and I learned that he/she is of the exact same ethnicity as us, I felt like I could really provide this child with a meaningful environment to grow up in.
Also, by coincidence, this child has the exact same (traditional in our culture) name that I was planning on giving my second child, if I was ever able to have one.
How fortunate is that?! You could really provide for this child multi-fold.
I have a 5 y/o with Ds and it was not expected. I'm glad I didn't know because I used to fear Ds so much that I might have said many things that others have posted. It is very hard to explain to people who aren't parents of children with Ds why it is a great experience despite hardships. You would just have to take the leap and find out.
You've heard and read about the negative possibilities but, I think, while they are real, they are often exaggerated or given far too much weight. It is also hard to understand how they are usually balanced out by other factors if you are not actually experiencing it for yourself.
Things I can tell you that non-parents can't:
-Great advances have been made in medical care. There is almost no heart condition that cannot be fixed now. Most health issues are resolved by age three these days. The child would still be more vulnerable to leukemia but kids with Ds recover from leukemia in far greater numbers than NT kids because of their biological makeup. There is a very informative DVD you can obtain through the Montgomery county library or through Down syndrome of Northern Virginia.
-You'll have more on your plate but you will also probably be better rested. Most babies with Ds sleep through the night right away. Mine did and my zombified, sleepless friends said they wanted to kill me out of envy
-You will be in "The Club". A club that you never knew you wanted to join. You will have friends and commraderie wherever you go. We congregate often and no one is sitting around crying. We have fun. You won't be lonely! It's sort of a unseen society that already exists around you. You just aren't aware of it. Friendships with other parents are almost instant. You won't like everyone you meet but you will meet many you do.
-Children with Ds get interventions today like never before and that means they can participate in life like never before.
-You will have hard times but honestly, I don't know parents who don't. While some specifics are harder there are some specifics that are much easier than they are with NT children. A mother I know who has raised two young women, one with Ds and one NT said in the end, the level of difficulty is about the same. It is just different. Another mother I know says she worries about her daughter with Ds less then her NT daughter.
-These kids are great kids. My daughter is so pleasant to be around. She is just a nice person and loves to have fun. She's also works hard on her skills and doesn't complain. She doesn't harass me for things her friends have or say mean things to me. I've worked with NT children her age and honestly, most of the time I think about how glad I am that I get to experience parenthood in a different way.
-There are some people who will never get it. They will avoid or scorn your child. It will hurt you. It will feel cruel. You will realize they aren't worth being around anyway. And how many NT kids are bullied anyway? It's an epidemic and it's not just because your child is disabled.
-Your child will be like a magnet. It will draw positive people in and repel negative ones away.
-Some people will not be able to comprehend that you are a happy family. They will believe you live your lives in perpetual grief. That will get old fast.
-You will have numerous wonderful people walk into your life. Some of the most accomplished, kind and non-judgmental people I have ever known are people who have walked this path or had a sibling with a disability.
-This experience has not made me better then other people but it has made me a better version of my old self.
-Ds tends to strengthen marriage. The divorce rate is lower than NT or other SN marriage. This trend is nick-named the "Down syndrome advantage"
-You will sometimes doubt your choice. You'll wonder if you made a mistake. It's natural. You will grieve sometimes. I do but I don't regret this child and I am happier than I was before she came into my life.
-Your other child might react in many different ways. Probably at times there will be resentment, frustration, jealousy over time and attention. Embarrassment. Shame. There will also be patience, compassion, pride, understanding, love. Often this results in a desire to achieve more or a drive to go into a field to help others, frequently an attraction to the medical field.
-There are some extra expenses but in five years I haven't met anyone who had to drain their savings and retirement to help their child. I do understand that happens with some other disabilities but I have never seen it happen because of Ds. The resources can be a pain to apply for and you will get tired of the paperwork but I haven't seen anyone go broke because they got a kid with Ds.
-Everyone is different and I am not making any predictions just sharing what I have learned and observed. I cannot be comprehensive and there will always be exceptions to the general experience.
Things you will NOT have to worry about.
-solid tumor cancers, people with Ds don't get them. It has only been documented once I believe.
-dental cavities are rare but gum disease is a concern
-while there is vulnerability to anxiety and depression, people with Ds don't develop schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder or psychosis. Very rarely do they attempt suicide
-drug-addiction
-violence
-criminal activity
-Growing into an adult who resents you. Doesn't want to help when you are elderly. Or just moves away and never calls. There is a lower depression rate for seniors who have adult children with Ds. Adults children with Ds often end up helping their elderly parents and remain close.
Finally, the relationship with a child who has Ds is reciprocal. It's not just the parent who gives and gives and gives. It is a true relationship.
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