Would you adopt a child with Down Syndrome?
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Anonymous
How fortunate is that?! You could really provide for this child multi-fold. I have a 5 y/o with Ds and it was not expected. I'm glad I didn't know because I used to fear Ds so much that I might have said many things that others have posted. It is very hard to explain to people who aren't parents of children with Ds why it is a great experience despite hardships. You would just have to take the leap and find out. You've heard and read about the negative possibilities but, I think, while they are real, they are often exaggerated or given far too much weight. It is also hard to understand how they are usually balanced out by other factors if you are not actually experiencing it for yourself. Things I can tell you that non-parents can't: -Great advances have been made in medical care. There is almost no heart condition that cannot be fixed now. Most health issues are resolved by age three these days. The child would still be more vulnerable to leukemia but kids with Ds recover from leukemia in far greater numbers than NT kids because of their biological makeup. There is a very informative DVD you can obtain through the Montgomery county library or through Down syndrome of Northern Virginia. -You'll have more on your plate but you will also probably be better rested. Most babies with Ds sleep through the night right away. Mine did and my zombified, sleepless friends said they wanted to kill me out of envy 
-You will be in "The Club". A club that you never knew you wanted to join. You will have friends and commraderie wherever you go. We congregate often and no one is sitting around crying. We have fun. You won't be lonely! It's sort of a unseen society that already exists around you. You just aren't aware of it. Friendships with other parents are almost instant. You won't like everyone you meet but you will meet many you do. -Children with Ds get interventions today like never before and that means they can participate in life like never before. -You will have hard times but honestly, I don't know parents who don't. While some specifics are harder there are some specifics that are much easier than they are with NT children. A mother I know who has raised two young women, one with Ds and one NT said in the end, the level of difficulty is about the same. It is just different. Another mother I know says she worries about her daughter with Ds less then her NT daughter. -These kids are great kids. My daughter is so pleasant to be around. She is just a nice person and loves to have fun. She's also works hard on her skills and doesn't complain. She doesn't harass me for things her friends have or say mean things to me. I've worked with NT children her age and honestly, most of the time I think about how glad I am that I get to experience parenthood in a different way. -There are some people who will never get it. They will avoid or scorn your child. It will hurt you. It will feel cruel. You will realize they aren't worth being around anyway. And how many NT kids are bullied anyway? It's an epidemic and it's not just because your child is disabled. -Your child will be like a magnet. It will draw positive people in and repel negative ones away. -Some people will not be able to comprehend that you are a happy family. They will believe you live your lives in perpetual grief. That will get old fast. -You will have numerous wonderful people walk into your life. Some of the most accomplished, kind and non-judgmental people I have ever known are people who have walked this path or had a sibling with a disability. -This experience has not made me better then other people but it has made me a better version of my old self. -Ds tends to strengthen marriage. The divorce rate is lower than NT or other SN marriage. This trend is nick-named the "Down syndrome advantage" -You will sometimes doubt your choice. You'll wonder if you made a mistake. It's natural. You will grieve sometimes. I do but I don't regret this child and I am happier than I was before she came into my life. -Your other child might react in many different ways. Probably at times there will be resentment, frustration, jealousy over time and attention. Embarrassment. Shame. There will also be patience, compassion, pride, understanding, love. Often this results in a desire to achieve more or a drive to go into a field to help others, frequently an attraction to the medical field. -There are some extra expenses but in five years I haven't met anyone who had to drain their savings and retirement to help their child. I do understand that happens with some other disabilities but I have never seen it happen because of Ds. The resources can be a pain to apply for and you will get tired of the paperwork but I haven't seen anyone go broke because they got a kid with Ds. -Everyone is different and I am not making any predictions just sharing what I have learned and observed. I cannot be comprehensive and there will always be exceptions to the general experience. Things you will NOT have to worry about. -solid tumor cancers, people with Ds don't get them. It has only been documented once I believe. -dental cavities are rare but gum disease is a concern -while there is vulnerability to anxiety and depression, people with Ds don't develop schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder or psychosis. Very rarely do they attempt suicide -drug-addiction -violence -criminal activity -Growing into an adult who resents you. Doesn't want to help when you are elderly. Or just moves away and never calls. There is a lower depression rate for seniors who have adult children with Ds. Adults children with Ds often end up helping their elderly parents and remain close. Finally, the relationship with a child who has Ds is reciprocal. It's not just the parent who gives and gives and gives. It is a true relationship. |
Anonymous
| No. And once you do this, you can't take it back. I had a cousin (a veritable saint) who did this, and it ultimately put so much strain on the marriage that it was destroyed, and the child, by then a young adult, put in a home. |
Anonymous
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Is it a baby girl? I saw something about this on Facebook
Honestly it would depend on The severity |
Anonymous
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I've known a couple of DS young adults, and they were absolutely delightful. They were also very high function and I think at least one of them was probably a mosaic. Bur I also know of a situation in which the child is more severely impacted by physical problems as well as intellectual limitations, and yes, it is an overwhelming struggle for the family. I think it's important not to romanticize these situations, as people with certain political bents will sometimes do.
However, it sounds as if the baby you are considering is on the more high functioning-end of the spectrum...and I'm sure you could get an assessment of her physical health as well. So may be a great move for your family. |
Anonymous
| I have a child with type I diabetes and my answer would be no. Serious medical issues are very, very hard to handle. Requires a ton of energy and time. I worry very much about if he'll have insurance someday. What would happen if he lost his job. It's very sad indeed. |
Anonymous
| No. Never. Knowing delightful DS kids and adults cannot compare with living with the lifelong responsibility. I could not handle it. |
Anonymous
| You are not just committing yourself but also your older child to a lifetime of care for his adopted sibling if you adopt a child with DS. I know several adults who are faced with caring for intellectually disabled siblings and it's quite a burden that affects their own romance/marriages and families. Parenting is hard in the best of circumstances. |
Anonymous
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OP, there are many parents who have adopted kids with disabilities. I hope you have done some reading on adoption boards to get a better sense from those who have been there.
Those kids need homes and families too and it sounds like you feel you might be the right fit. Talk to some other adoptive families who have adopted kids with DS. It is unpredictable. I have a friend with a daughter with DS - she lives independently, is married, and holds a job. |
Anonymous
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Did you consider embryo adoption (or using donor egg)? It's less costly than average domestic adoption and some programs include guarantee. Or using a gestational carrier for husband's genetic connection.
I admire you for considering this adoption but as others said, I don't think it would be fair to your older child. He can develop empathy for SN kids by befriending them or volunteering. One of my son's best friends is moderately autistic, mostly non verbal but they manage to have fun together as boys do. We had family friends with a DS son. He was very involved in the community and Church, held a job etc. Sadly, his parents outlived him. Best to you and your family! |
Anonymous
| No |
Anonymous
| OP, how on board is your husband with this? I cant imagine a man saying he's ok with a DS kid. |
Anonymous
I’m sad that you do not have better men in your life. |
Anonymous
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Down Syndrome can be comorbid with autism. Serious heart defects affect 50% of those born with Down Syndrome who also have a much greater chance of being diagnosed with leukemia than people without Down Syndrome. There is no guarantee, despite high-quality therapy and educational programming, that any person with Down Syndrome will become functionally independent, and whatever s/he has achieved in the realm of functional ability will likely diminish because people with Down Syndrome have a high probability of being diagnosed with Alzheimer's somewhere between age 40 and 50 (and I haven't even touched upon the "minor" issues that can come with Down Syndrome, such as thyroid and intestinal problems, celiac disease, issues with sight and hearing, low muscle tone, etc.).
In this light, there is a very good chance that the OP's financial, emotional and psychological resources will necessarily be centred upon meeting the needs of the child with Down Syndrome if she adopts him/her. And while some people with Down Syndrome are cheery and loving, it is a myth that all people with Down Syndrome are sweetness and light in disposition. Some become depressed in adolescence and adulthood as they become aware of their limitations and the fact that what is achievable for ppl. without Down Syndrome will never be achievable for them. Many have serious behavioral issues which understandably interfere with their ability to create and sustain meaningful relationships with other people. Those people with Down Syndrome who appear in the media are rare in the sense that they represent the 1% of people with their condition who are both extremely high-functioning and relatively healthy. Therefore, it is statistically likely that adopting a child with Down Syndrome will bring unending stress without any compensating factors not only into the OP's life but more pertinently into her existing child's life. I speak from personal experience in observing that parents with severely disabled children tend to identify with the latter to the point that their outlook loses all perspective--such that they have very little empathy for or willingness to meet the needs of their non-disabled children who consequently suffer from anxiety and depression as a result of experiencing the stress of living in a family where their sibling's needs dictate the psychological and emotional atmosphere of family life, as well as its routines and limitations. In short: the OP owes her existing child a happy, stable upbringing and the opportunity to make his/her own life choices. Adopting a child with Down Syndrome will disrupt her existing child's life, destabilizing his/her emotional and psychological security and, unless the family is wealthy, also jeopardize the latter's ability to choose his/her own adult path. As another poster has said, "it is selfish to consider adopting a SN child without seriously thinking through the impact of that adoption on the child that you have." +1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 re: that perspective |
Anonymous
| I would do it if I had the resources to plan for this child's future and care after I pass away. I say this as a parent of a child with a different disability. Yes, there are plusses and minuses, which are well presented in the post at the top of this page, so you do have to go in with your eyes open. GL. |
Anonymous
| There are varying levels of DS, as with any other disease. If it was relatively minor, absolutely. Something more severe? I don't know. I also have a 5 year old, FWIW. |