MIL not coming for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the support for MIL on this thread. As a guest in op's house, why would it matter to mil if the turkey was cooked there or in the kitchen at Whole Foods? If op had health issues or a new baby or was just a crappy cook and planned to buy dinner in a box, would that still make mil's refusal to come okay? Is DCUM just that contrary?

You're looking at it like OP is the host and should be respected as such. You've completely skipped over the fact that this was MIL's holiday to host, and OP unilaterally decided that they were 1) not going to go to the MIL's house as planned, and 2) would only pay half of MIL's ticket to come to the new (not agreed-upon) venue of OP's house, and 3) also MIL has to have a crappy reheated turkey instead of cooking a bird to eat, because OP's version of moral vegetarianism is incoherent and apparently just designed to upset omnivores.

MIL isn't being a bad guest, because MIL was never supposed to be a guest in the first place! OP created a series of problems by being controlling and selfish, and now has cast herself as the victim. Not buying it.

How did OP unilaterally make the decision? I believe her husband was also involved in the decision-making process and is now punting now that Mom is mad.

People are so pissed off about the vegetarian aspect of this that they are refusing to see reason. This is so stupid. Facts matter: the Mother-in-law never asked the daughter-in-law if there would be a turkey or not. She just assumed.

Here's another fact: family means being flexible. It is easier for one person to fly out then for 3 and 4 Op to have to deal with all of her animals as well. They're allowed to make that choice and mother-in-law is allowed to make her choice not to attend.

However, the mother-in-law's choice is based on pure speculation not facts and was relayed to her son in what seems to be an obvious attempt to try to hyper control the situation.

Final fact: the family could have spent the day prepping all of the sides and all the other delicious items aside from the turkey. But the mother in law will never know that because she decided that the turkey was the only part of the day that mattered and never even talked to the daughter-in-law about options

Some of you really need to see how your anti vegetarian bias and inability to read is not allowing you to see the situation fully

I'm not anti-vegetarian, you're just ignoring the facts to make the vegetarian the victim. OP said straight up in the OP that this year they were supposed to visit MIL and she decided it was too much hassle to drive so they told OP it would be at their house instead. That's unilateral in that it came from one side of the negotiating table (OP + husband) and ignored the other side (MIL). She didn't ask MIL if she could change the plans, she announced it was going to be at her house. That's bad behavior, regardless of whether her DH was on board with it. They can both be jerks, that doesn't change the fact that the plan was for it to be at MIL's house and then they changed it without her input. Unilaterally.

It's all well and good to wax poetic about "flexibility" for family's sake when OP is the one changing things on people at the last minute and then making up additional, illogical rules about cooking to make it even harder on MIL. You're saying MIL is attempting to "hyper control" the situation that ... OP has rewritten the rules for twice already, without seeking input, and in ways that don't actually make sense. So no, you're wrong. The person being rigid and controlling is OP.

Why should MIL talk to daughter about options? The first and final rule on every DCUM thread about MILs is that the communication should be with their actual child, not dumped on DIL, and this MIL actually did that -- communicated with her son instead of the DIL -- and you've found a way to make her the bad guy because of it? Okay. You're the voice of reason, surely.

Lastly, the turkey is a big part of the holiday. People call it Turkey Day, for crying out loud. Acting like MIL has a weird fetish for caring about the turkey on Thanksgiving is ridiculous. If OP was actually a strict moral vegan or something and had a rule against meat in her house that would be one thing. But saying she's okay with serving a turkey, but doesn't want her MIL to prepare it in her kitchen -- more rigid controlling behavior designed entirely to make MIL feel unwelcome. And it worked, and now she's complaining.

DCUM hates mothers in law. In every thread. There's a reason that people are saying OP is the problem here, and it's not because she's a vegetarian. It's because she's being rude and controlling and then blaming the collapse of the holiday on her MIL. She created this problem every step of the way. Boo hoo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks to those of you who left thoughtful replies! I appreciate the outside perspective. Especially thanks to those of you who mentioned she is perfectly within her right to decline the invite and celebrate her way. I didn't think of it like that. She has a boyfriend so she'll be spending the holiday with him. Sometimes he comes here with her, sometimes not, but he is always invited. If he comes, he does all the driving (and pays for everything for her, so that's not the issue).

Just a few things, especially since I believe there were a few questions to me. Tradition is not necessarily to spend holidays with her at her house, so we aren't breaking with tradition as some of you mentioned. We have gone to her house, and we have gone to other relatives houses with her. She came to Christmas at our house last year, and we have traveled to see her various other times besides these two big holidays.

It was DHs idea to offer to pay for half the ticket. He mentioned it to me after he offered it to her, verifying that it was okay with me, which it was. I don't know why he didn't offer to pay full. Yes, she may feel it's too expensive anyway, however, she is also extremely cheap so it could just be that.

As many of you mentioned, it probably is a bit of a power issue for her. She always wants things planned out her way. For any visit, either here or at her house, she has the whole trip planned out for activities and restaurants and never asks us what we want to do.

Thanks again for your perspectives, and thanks for not entirely eating me alive

OP, it sounds like she just has her own ideas about how she wants to spend Thanksgiving. And you have yours. That's OK. Let go of the notion that everyone is obligated to get together on this one day. It sounds like she sees her grandkids plenty of other times, so let this one go and focus on how you want to spend the day. There's no reason to resent her for doing the same.

[Anonymous]

Team OP. I would call her bluff and be glad she wasn't going to be around if this behavior is illustrative of how she generally acts. And I would make it very clear to my DH that she is being an unreasonable drama queen and I was not going to tolerate his blaming it on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team OP. I would call her bluff and be glad she wasn't going to be around if this behavior is illustrative of how she generally acts. And I would make it very clear to my DH that she is being an unreasonable drama queen and I was not going to tolerate his blaming it on me.

^ P.S. She has not declined "graciously," as some have said. She has declined passive aggressively by making up a stupid excuse, not even reaching out to see if compromise was possible, and then complaining about OP behind her back to her husband. If that is what you guys consider "gracious," your families must be like viper pits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL sounds immature. But OP, I don't get why you changed the tradition of who you planned to visit this year. Are you still sticking with your plan to visit your parents for Xmas?

And is this a one-off, we're not traveling to see MIL because DH is on call or something? It seems mean to change your plans with her just because she doesn't have a DH in the picture.

Sorry, I see your response that you literally just posted making it clear this isn't an annual tradition that was changed without explanation.

No I didn't just change it without explanation. If you reread my OP, I start off by saying we alternate whose family we visit with on Thanksgiving and Christmas. And there were no firm plans to visit her at her house. That's what DH was supposed to do, make the plans of where to visit, and he invited her to our house. He didn't want to drive there just as much as me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL sounds immature. But OP, I don't get why you changed the tradition of who you planned to visit this year. Are you still sticking with your plan to visit your parents for Xmas?

And is this a one-off, we're not traveling to see MIL because DH is on call or something? It seems mean to change your plans with her just because she doesn't have a DH in the picture.

Sorry, I see your response that you literally just posted making it clear this isn't an annual tradition that was changed without explanation.

No I didn't just change it without explanation. If you reread my OP, I start off by saying we alternate whose family we visit with on Thanksgiving and Christmas. And there were no firm plans to visit her at her house. That's what DH was supposed to do, make the plans of where to visit, and he invited her to our house. He didn't want to drive there just as much as me.

Actual quote from your OP: "This year was our turn to visit with my MIL."

New party line when people call you out on taking the holiday away from your MIL: There was no plan to spend the holiday with her! We could have gone anywhere! She's lucky to have been invited!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL sounds immature. But OP, I don't get why you changed the tradition of who you planned to visit this year. Are you still sticking with your plan to visit your parents for Xmas?

And is this a one-off, we're not traveling to see MIL because DH is on call or something? It seems mean to change your plans with her just because she doesn't have a DH in the picture.

Sorry, I see your response that you literally just posted making it clear this isn't an annual tradition that was changed without explanation.

No I didn't just change it without explanation. If you reread my OP, I start off by saying we alternate whose family we visit with on Thanksgiving and Christmas. And there were no firm plans to visit her at her house. That's what DH was supposed to do, make the plans of where to visit, and he invited her to our house. He didn't want to drive there just as much as me.

PP here, and I saw your follow-up explaining that you didn't unilaterally change the plans. When you said you alternated every year, I read it as one year you go to your family of origin's for Xmas and MIL's for Thanksgiving, and vice versa the year after, but your follow-up made clear that wasn't the case. Got it and I support you, OP! Any update on DH?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL sounds immature. But OP, I don't get why you changed the tradition of who you planned to visit this year. Are you still sticking with your plan to visit your parents for Xmas?

And is this a one-off, we're not traveling to see MIL because DH is on call or something? It seems mean to change your plans with her just because she doesn't have a DH in the picture.

Sorry, I see your response that you literally just posted making it clear this isn't an annual tradition that was changed without explanation.

No I didn't just change it without explanation. If you reread my OP, I start off by saying we alternate whose family we visit with on Thanksgiving and Christmas. And there were no firm plans to visit her at her house. That's what DH was supposed to do, make the plans of where to visit, and he invited her to our house. He didn't want to drive there just as much as me.

Actual quote from your OP: "This year was our turn to visit with my MIL."

New party line when people call you out on taking the holiday away from your MIL: There was no plan to spend the holiday with her! We could have gone anywhere! She's lucky to have been invited!

Yes, visit with her. Not visit with her at her house. The first makes no mention of location.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL sounds immature. But OP, I don't get why you changed the tradition of who you planned to visit this year. Are you still sticking with your plan to visit your parents for Xmas?

And is this a one-off, we're not traveling to see MIL because DH is on call or something? It seems mean to change your plans with her just because she doesn't have a DH in the picture.

Sorry, I see your response that you literally just posted making it clear this isn't an annual tradition that was changed without explanation.

No I didn't just change it without explanation. If you reread my OP, I start off by saying we alternate whose family we visit with on Thanksgiving and Christmas. And there were no firm plans to visit her at her house. That's what DH was supposed to do, make the plans of where to visit, and he invited her to our house. He didn't want to drive there just as much as me.

Actual quote from your OP: "This year was our turn to visit with my MIL."

New party line when people call you out on taking the holiday away from your MIL: There was no plan to spend the holiday with her! We could have gone anywhere! She's lucky to have been invited!

I thought it was perfectly clear that she meant that they spend the holiday with her family one year and the DH's family the next. She never said that her MIL hosted every time it was their year with the DH's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow the drama queen has arise! Sounds like your MIL knows you too well. First you tell the MIL you are not coming to her house for the holiday(breaking the tradition). Second you offer to pay 1/2 of the ticket price to fly her out because...you want her to incur cost to accommodate you. Third you make up these rules about what can and can not be cooked for thanksgiving. Therefore dictating what can and can not be eaten. The MIL decides not to come and now you are offend? LOL You caused this whole thing.

Yes, this. And I'm a DIL whose mill can be a complete pain so generally I'm sympathetic to dil concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I am vegetarian for moral reasons and I don't mind when people eat meat in the house, but I do object to a raw turkey being prepped all over the kitchen and it having to cook for hours.

This is just weird.

[Anonymous]

You're hearing the details 3rd hand as to "why" she's not coming. Nothing is ever worth getting upset about unless it's a conversation between you and the other person. She would prefer not to come. That's all you need to know, that's all you do know - - first hand. But you make it much worse my keeping-this-topic alive.

[Anonymous]

So no tradition was broken AND OP was going to provide a turkey and she is still wrong? Awesome.

(I am usually pro-MIL in these threads, but not this one).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL sounds immature. But OP, I don't get why you changed the tradition of who you planned to visit this year. Are you still sticking with your plan to visit your parents for Xmas?

And is this a one-off, we're not traveling to see MIL because DH is on call or something? It seems mean to change your plans with her just because she doesn't have a DH in the picture.

Sorry, I see your response that you literally just posted making it clear this isn't an annual tradition that was changed without explanation.

No I didn't just change it without explanation. If you reread my OP, I start off by saying we alternate whose family we visit with on Thanksgiving and Christmas. And there were no firm plans to visit her at her house. That's what DH was supposed to do, make the plans of where to visit, and he invited her to our house. He didn't want to drive there just as much as me.

PP here, and I saw your follow-up explaining that you didn't unilaterally change the plans. When you said you alternated every year, I read it as one year you go to your family of origin's for Xmas and MIL's for Thanksgiving, and vice versa the year after, but your follow-up made clear that wasn't the case. Got it and I support you, OP! Any update on DH?

Thank you PP. No update on DH. I told him it hurt my feelings that he was blaming it on me. Anyway, I don't plan on bringing this up to him again, and I told him he should invite her for New Years weekend but he said she'll probably want to spend it with her BF.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're hearing the details 3rd hand as to "why" she's not coming. Nothing is ever worth getting upset about unless it's a conversation between you and the other person. She would prefer not to come. That's all you need to know, that's all you do know - - first hand. But you make it much worse my keeping-this-topic alive.

Her husband seems to be keeping the topic alive by blaming his wife for the fact that his mother won't come because of some clearly pretextual reason. He sounds like a mama's boy who refuses to take responsibility for decisions of which he was a part.