MIL not coming for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

OP this has nothing to do with turkey.

Your MIL is not coming to your house this year because she doesn’t want to change the tradition of her hosting. She wants your family to always spend Thanksgiving at her house. If she comes to you this year and everyone has a good time, then it’s very easy for that to become the new tradition - especially if your husband ends up enjoying hosting. MIL wants the choice to be either spend a nice Thanksgiving with the whole family at her house or everyone alone and fighting.

MIL is playing the long game and you’re stressing about this year’s menu.

That’s why MIL couldn’t risk asking you about cooking the turkey at your house. This year she needs an excuse to say no to coming to visit and the turkey preparations is the best she could do. What if you had said yes? By not asking and saying she “can’t” come because you’re a vegetarian, she causes tension with your DH and makes sure that Thanksgiving away from her house is unpleasant. Well played MIL!

[Anonymous]

I don't get the support for MIL on this thread. As a guest in op's house, why would it matter to mil if the turkey was cooked there or in the kitchen at Whole Foods? If op had health issues or a new baby or was just a crappy cook and planned to buy dinner in a box, would that still make mil's refusal to come okay? Is DCUM just that contrary?

[Anonymous]

An invitation is not a summons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's wrong but so are you. You should've let her cook the turkey, and she should've asked. You're both being unreasonable IMO.

+1

[Anonymous]

vegetarians should not host thanksgiving. Unless everyone else they are hosting is also a vegetarian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the support for MIL on this thread. As a guest in op's house, why would it matter to mil if the turkey was cooked there or in the kitchen at Whole Foods? If op had health issues or a new baby or was just a crappy cook and planned to buy dinner in a box, would that still make mil's refusal to come okay? Is DCUM just that contrary?

Yes, it is. Especially when the word "vegetarian" is involved. OP is the host and gets to decide how the food is prepared. Guarantee most of these poster should be pitching a fit about MIL trying to micromanage how the food id prepped if anything but vegetarian preferences were at play here.

My guess is MIL just doesn't want to come for some reason and is using the flimsy turkey thing of which she has no real idea about, as an excuse. All about control.

And I LOVE my MIL, so I am not a MIL hater. But control issues in people are super obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:vegetarians should not host thanksgiving. Unless everyone else they are hosting is also a vegetarian.

Even if the vegetarian buys a turkey instead of cooks it? This is a stupid statement.

And I really cannot stand people who focus only on the food aspect of TG instead of the family part. Like, oh my god the whole day is ruined because the turkey was made at Whole Foods and not at home. The green beans had too many onions. The cranberry came out of a can! The horror.

Shutt up, eat, and enjoy being around family.

[Anonymous]

Everyone on here is always telling DILs they should stay home for holidays if they want, and have their own traditions. Well, the tradition here was OP's family alternated what they did and this year would have been to visit MIL for a traditional Thanksgiving meal. DIL doesn't want to drive so they invite MIL to their place instead. Now she has to pay for half a plane ticket. And they're not having a typical turkey dinner. So, MIL opted not to come. Maybe she'd prefer a visit with friends and a traditional meal. All we hear about is how the actual DAY isn't important. Obviously MIL is willing to visit other times. Why does she HAVE to come ON Thanksgiving if she doesn't think she will enjoy it? She can come some other time and have a regular visit instead. She was invited for a particular visit that wasn't what she had in mind (or what had been done until then) and she declined. If it was the other way around and OP was stressing about her kids nap and dinner time, how many people would be telling her not to go at all? Jeez.

[Anonymous]

OP, you deal with this by first understanding the fight you’re having:

This is a power struggle over where Thanksgiving will be celebrated. MIL wants it at her house on her years. Your family wants it at your house.

No matter what you do, it will never be the “same” to her. She fixated on the turkey as a plausible reason to resist change. I think she didn’t ask you about the turkey because part of her knows that it’s normal for hosting traditions to change as families grow, but she’s not ready to accept it. She’s also holding out hope that if she stands firm she can get a few more years of hosting at her home.

I think you deal with this by talking to her about next year. Have a call with DH and MIL on speaker about how you can make Thanksgiving nice for her in the future. That way you set the expectations now that it’s a done deal that your family stays home for the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this has nothing to do with turkey.

Your MIL is not coming to your house this year because she doesn’t want to change the tradition of her hosting. She wants your family to always spend Thanksgiving at her house. If she comes to you this year and everyone has a good time, then it’s very easy for that to become the new tradition - especially if your husband ends up enjoying hosting. MIL wants the choice to be either spend a nice Thanksgiving with the whole family at her house or everyone alone and fighting.

MIL is playing the long game and you’re stressing about this year’s menu.

That’s why MIL couldn’t risk asking you about cooking the turkey at your house. This year she needs an excuse to say no to coming to visit and the turkey preparations is the best she could do. What if you had said yes? By not asking and saying she “can’t” come because you’re a vegetarian, she causes tension with your DH and makes sure that Thanksgiving away from her house is unpleasant. Well played MIL!

This and 07: 54 are spot on exactly.

[Anonymous]

Here is a quick question for OP, if not a troll. Since you offered to pay half a ticket, that means your MIL is not rich and needs this help to come? Did you actually already give her the money or is it we'll pay it when you get here? Has it occurred to you that she can't afford this is making some excuse to save face? Plane tickets are pricey for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s an odd stance you’ve taken - it’s ok to eat turkey so long as it wasn’t prepped “all over” the kitchen, but your MIL has blown it out of proportion. Your poor DH! Two women arguing over such silly things.

I agree.

The turkey thing is weird.

Get a free range organic turkey that has been humanely raised and butchered.

To be eaten is the life purpose of a turkey. That is why they exist.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this has nothing to do with turkey.

Your MIL is not coming to your house this year because she doesn’t want to change the tradition of her hosting. She wants your family to always spend Thanksgiving at her house. If she comes to you this year and everyone has a good time, then it’s very easy for that to become the new tradition - especially if your husband ends up enjoying hosting. MIL wants the choice to be either spend a nice Thanksgiving with the whole family at her house or everyone alone and fighting.

MIL is playing the long game and you’re stressing about this year’s menu.

That’s why MIL couldn’t risk asking you about cooking the turkey at your house. This year she needs an excuse to say no to coming to visit and the turkey preparations is the best she could do. What if you had said yes? By not asking and saying she “can’t” come because you’re a vegetarian, she causes tension with your DH and makes sure that Thanksgiving away from her house is unpleasant. Well played MIL!

Agreed. MIL wanted to host. My inlaws played this game with me too. Only they are allowed to host.

[Anonymous]

Whenever someone on DCUM posts a gripe about being forced into something that a hosting family does, there is a universal response that you have two options: attend and graciously participate, or decline and stay home.

Well, your MIL had the same options. She felt coerced into changing the traditions that she cares about. So she decided to stay home, just as she presumably does on the off years.

You have a right to host however you want. You do not have the right to force anyone to attend and celebrate "your way" - just as MIL cannot force you to come to her house.

Just don't pretend to be insulted that MIL is choosing her holiday preferences over spending time with family. You are doing the same thing. If you can decide unilaterally not to visit her house, then she can decide whether to visit yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone on here is always telling DILs they should stay home for holidays if they want, and have their own traditions. Well, the tradition here was OP's family alternated what they did and this year would have been to visit MIL for a traditional Thanksgiving meal. DIL doesn't want to drive so they invite MIL to their place instead. Now she has to pay for half a plane ticket. And they're not having a typical turkey dinner. So, MIL opted not to come. Maybe she'd prefer a visit with friends and a traditional meal. All we hear about is how the actual DAY isn't important. Obviously MIL is willing to visit other times. Why does she HAVE to come ON Thanksgiving if she doesn't think she will enjoy it? She can come some other time and have a regular visit instead. She was invited for a particular visit that wasn't what she had in mind (or what had been done until then) and she declined. If it was the other way around and OP was stressing about her kids nap and dinner time, how many people would be telling her not to go at all? Jeez.

But they are!! Op is getting a precooked turkey. People do that all the time. It's pretty standard advice on here if someone is going to have trouble prepping the meal for some reason. It's still turkey, for Pete's sake.