MIL not coming for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this has nothing to do with turkey.

Your MIL is not coming to your house this year because she doesn’t want to change the tradition of her hosting. She wants your family to always spend Thanksgiving at her house. If she comes to you this year and everyone has a good time, then it’s very easy for that to become the new tradition - especially if your husband ends up enjoying hosting. MIL wants the choice to be either spend a nice Thanksgiving with the whole family at her house or everyone alone and fighting.

MIL is playing the long game and you’re stressing about this year’s menu.

That’s why MIL couldn’t risk asking you about cooking the turkey at your house. This year she needs an excuse to say no to coming to visit and the turkey preparations is the best she could do. What if you had said yes? By not asking and saying she “can’t” come because you’re a vegetarian, she causes tension with your DH and makes sure that Thanksgiving away from her house is unpleasant. Well played MIL!

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this has nothing to do with turkey.

Your MIL is not coming to your house this year because she doesn’t want to change the tradition of her hosting. She wants your family to always spend Thanksgiving at her house. If she comes to you this year and everyone has a good time, then it’s very easy for that to become the new tradition - especially if your husband ends up enjoying hosting. MIL wants the choice to be either spend a nice Thanksgiving with the whole family at her house or everyone alone and fighting.

MIL is playing the long game and you’re stressing about this year’s menu.

That’s why MIL couldn’t risk asking you about cooking the turkey at your house. This year she needs an excuse to say no to coming to visit and the turkey preparations is the best she could do. What if you had said yes? By not asking and saying she “can’t” come because you’re a vegetarian, she causes tension with your DH and makes sure that Thanksgiving away from her house is unpleasant. Well played MIL!

This

Agreed. I'm a long-time vegetarian and even my in-laws, who are diehard Midwestern meat-eaters, are able to enjoy Thanksgiving with us. I guess unlike you, though, I don't care if people cook meat in my house, but I won't be the one doing it (mostly because you don't want a person who's never cooked a turkey before to do so, unless you enjoy a bout of salmonella). It's oddly rigid to decline spending time with family over whether a turkey will be cooked or not and surely MIL can adapt to this one time. I think the PP was correct- this isn't about turkey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're unreasonable, OP. I don't want a turkey cooked in my kitchen either. No one is saying MIL can't have turkey. DH can go have turkey that MIL cooked in her own space, if he wants.

I don't think MIL is being selfish by not visiting. Everyone makes choices, you have yours and she has hers. DH has his. I wonder what he will choose.

Yep - I think MIL knows what she wants at Thanksgiving and she made a decision to follow her wishes. And it's your right to handle Thanksgiving the way you choose. She should respect that.

I guess the concern is whether she is just figuring out what she wants and/or whether she using this to manipulate you into doing what she wants. Sounds like she might have your dh's number. Anyway, I would respect her wishes and wish her a lovely holiday. If she ends up stewing that was her choice.

Good luck, OP! Hope everything goes okay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're unreasonable, OP. I don't want a turkey cooked in my kitchen either. No one is saying MIL can't have turkey. DH can go have turkey that MIL cooked in her own space, if he wants.

I don't think MIL is being selfish by not visiting. Everyone makes choices, you have yours and she has hers. DH has his. I wonder what he will choose.

Yep - I think MIL knows what she wants at Thanksgiving and she made a decision to follow her wishes. And it's your right to handle Thanksgiving the way you choose. She should respect that.

I guess the concern is whether she is just figuring out what she wants and/or whether she using this to manipulate you into doing what she wants. Sounds like she might have your dh's number. Anyway, I would respect her wishes and wish her a lovely holiday. If she ends up stewing that was her choice.

Good luck, OP! Hope everything goes okay!

This. She played your husband and she hopes now you’ll change your mind. Call her bluff. Wish her well, tell her everyone will miss her, and do it your way. Giving in to her demands will only make her behavior continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're unreasonable, OP. I don't want a turkey cooked in my kitchen either. No one is saying MIL can't have turkey. DH can go have turkey that MIL cooked in her own space, if he wants.

I don't think MIL is being selfish by not visiting. Everyone makes choices, you have yours and she has hers. DH has his. I wonder what he will choose.

Yep - I think MIL knows what she wants at Thanksgiving and she made a decision to follow her wishes. And it's your right to handle Thanksgiving the way you choose. She should respect that.

I guess the concern is whether she is just figuring out what she wants and/or whether she using this to manipulate you into doing what she wants. Sounds like she might have your dh's number. Anyway, I would respect her wishes and wish her a lovely holiday. If she ends up stewing that was her choice.

Good luck, OP! Hope everything goes okay!

This. She played your husband and she hopes now you’ll change your mind. Call her bluff. Wish her well, tell her everyone will miss her, and do it your way. Giving in to her demands will only make her behavior continue.

And, I would be sure to mention that you’ll “look forward to seeing her in two years”, assuming you trade off holidays with your family. Let the reality of her pettiness sink in.

[Anonymous]

Team MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you're unreasonable, OP. I don't want a turkey cooked in my kitchen either. No one is saying MIL can't have turkey. DH can go have turkey that MIL cooked in her own space, if he wants.

I don't think MIL is being selfish by not visiting. Everyone makes choices, you have yours and she has hers. DH has his. I wonder what he will choose.

Yep - I think MIL knows what she wants at Thanksgiving and she made a decision to follow her wishes. And it's your right to handle Thanksgiving the way you choose. She should respect that.

I guess the concern is whether she is just figuring out what she wants and/or whether she using this to manipulate you into doing what she wants. Sounds like she might have your dh's number. Anyway, I would respect her wishes and wish her a lovely holiday. If she ends up stewing that was her choice.

Good luck, OP! Hope everything goes okay!

This. She played your husband and she hopes now you’ll change your mind. Call her bluff. Wish her well, tell her everyone will miss her, and do it your way. Giving in to her demands will only make her behavior continue.

And you obsessing about changing her mind will mean she wins - because she wants you to get engaged over this. I know it's hard to let this stuff go but if you can do it, you will have a better holiday!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow the drama queen has arise! Sounds like your MIL knows you too well. First you tell the MIL you are not coming to her house for the holiday(breaking the tradition). Second you offer to pay 1/2 of the ticket price to fly her out because...you want her to incur cost to accommodate you. Third you make up these rules about what can and can not be cooked for thanksgiving. Therefore dictating what can and can not be eaten. The MIL decides not to come and now you are offend? LOL You caused this whole thing.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the support for MIL on this thread. As a guest in op's house, why would it matter to mil if the turkey was cooked there or in the kitchen at Whole Foods? If op had health issues or a new baby or was just a crappy cook and planned to buy dinner in a box, would that still make mil's refusal to come okay? Is DCUM just that contrary?

You're looking at it like OP is the host and should be respected as such. You've completely skipped over the fact that this was MIL's holiday to host, and OP unilaterally decided that they were 1) not going to go to the MIL's house as planned, and 2) would only pay half of MIL's ticket to come to the new (not agreed-upon) venue of OP's house, and 3) also MIL has to have a crappy reheated turkey instead of cooking a bird to eat, because OP's version of moral vegetarianism is incoherent and apparently just designed to upset omnivores.

MIL isn't being a bad guest, because MIL was never supposed to be a guest in the first place! OP created a series of problems by being controlling and selfish, and now has cast herself as the victim. Not buying it.

[Anonymous]

It is difficult for women who are used to hosting the holiday their way to give up the tradition and hand over the control to the next generation, so they make up all kinds of whacky reasons and petty offenses to avoid the real issue. It is deeply emotional for many and is associated with their feelings about aging. It is amplified if they also came from a family where generations lived in the same town, and now their family is all spread out. Have sympathy during the transition.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to those of you who left thoughtful replies! I appreciate the outside perspective. Especially thanks to those of you who mentioned she is perfectly within her right to decline the invite and celebrate her way. I didn't think of it like that. She has a boyfriend so she'll be spending the holiday with him. Sometimes he comes here with her, sometimes not, but he is always invited. If he comes, he does all the driving (and pays for everything for her, so that's not the issue).

Just a few things, especially since I believe there were a few questions to me. Tradition is not necessarily to spend holidays with her at her house, so we aren't breaking with tradition as some of you mentioned. We have gone to her house, and we have gone to other relatives houses with her. She came to Christmas at our house last year, and we have traveled to see her various other times besides these two big holidays.

It was DHs idea to offer to pay for half the ticket. He mentioned it to me after he offered it to her, verifying that it was okay with me, which it was. I don't know why he didn't offer to pay full. Yes, she may feel it's too expensive anyway, however, she is also extremely cheap so it could just be that.

As many of you mentioned, it probably is a bit of a power issue for her. She always wants things planned out her way. For any visit, either here or at her house, she has the whole trip planned out for activities and restaurants and never asks us what we want to do.

Thanks again for your perspectives, and thanks for not entirely eating me alive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is difficult for women who are used to hosting the holiday their way to give up the tradition and hand over the control to the next generation, so they make up all kinds of whacky reasons and petty offenses to avoid the real issue. It is deeply emotional for many and is associated with their feelings about aging. It is amplified if they also came from a family where generations lived in the same town, and now their family is all spread out. Have sympathy during the transition.

OP here. Yes I understand that. See my reply above. She is not traditionally the hostess. Sometimes yes, but it's not a yearly thing. She's gone to SILs, we've all gone to other relatives, she gone to her sisters without any kids. So I'm not sure that argument works here, but I recognize it's a valid point for many.

[Anonymous]

MIL sounds immature. But OP, I don't get why you changed the tradition of who you planned to visit this year. Are you still sticking with your plan to visit your parents for Xmas?

And is this a one-off, we're not traveling to see MIL because DH is on call or something? It seems mean to change your plans with her just because she doesn't have a DH in the picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the support for MIL on this thread. As a guest in op's house, why would it matter to mil if the turkey was cooked there or in the kitchen at Whole Foods? If op had health issues or a new baby or was just a crappy cook and planned to buy dinner in a box, would that still make mil's refusal to come okay? Is DCUM just that contrary?

You're looking at it like OP is the host and should be respected as such. You've completely skipped over the fact that this was MIL's holiday to host, and OP unilaterally decided that they were 1) not going to go to the MIL's house as planned, and 2) would only pay half of MIL's ticket to come to the new (not agreed-upon) venue of OP's house, and 3) also MIL has to have a crappy reheated turkey instead of cooking a bird to eat, because OP's version of moral vegetarianism is incoherent and apparently just designed to upset omnivores.

MIL isn't being a bad guest, because MIL was never supposed to be a guest in the first place! OP created a series of problems by being controlling and selfish, and now has cast herself as the victim. Not buying it.

How did OP unilaterally make the decision? I believe her husband was also involved in the decision-making process and is now punting now that Mom is mad.

People are so pissed off about the vegetarian aspect of this that they are refusing to see reason. This is so stupid. Facts matter: the Mother-in-law never asked the daughter-in-law if there would be a turkey or not. She just assumed.

Here's another fact: family means being flexible. It is easier for one person to fly out then for 3 and 4 Op to have to deal with all of her animals as well. They're allowed to make that choice and mother-in-law is allowed to make her choice not to attend.

However, the mother-in-law's choice is based on pure speculation not facts and was relayed to her son in what seems to be an obvious attempt to try to hyper control the situation.

Final fact: the family could have spent the day prepping all of the sides and all the other delicious items aside from the turkey. But the mother in law will never know that because she decided that the turkey was the only part of the day that mattered and never even talked to the daughter-in-law about options

Some of you really need to see how your anti vegetarian bias and inability to read is not allowing you to see the situation fully

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL sounds immature. But OP, I don't get why you changed the tradition of who you planned to visit this year. Are you still sticking with your plan to visit your parents for Xmas?

And is this a one-off, we're not traveling to see MIL because DH is on call or something? It seems mean to change your plans with her just because she doesn't have a DH in the picture.

Sorry, I see your response that you literally just posted making it clear this isn't an annual tradition that was changed without explanation.