MIL not coming for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

I'm on the MIL's side. Sorry, but your views on meat handling are ridiculous. If you don't eat meat, then it makes sense to let her cook the bird. Whether it's precooked or not, the bird is already dead. Even if you don't buy a turkey, they still kill them anyway. So to be a staunch vegetarian on Thanksgiving doesn't do any good unless you are the president and can pardon a bird. People that cook meat are not going to spread the raw meat germs all over your kitchen. Your sink can be washed. If you don't like the smell of it cooking, then leave the house for a while. You'd still have to smell a precooked bird. Every year at Thanksgiving my father would bring up how the poor turkey had to die for us. That is more of a moral and respectful view on the turkey IMO than your squeamish view. I don't blame your MIL for staying home and I don't even understand what you are offended at. She has the right to not go to your house if you are so controlling about it. It should have been her turn to have it at her house and you didn't want to make the effort to go up there. So now your DH doesn't get to see his mother on Thanksgiving because of your views on meat.

[Anonymous]

Vegetarian for moral reasons has to be one of THE dumbest things I've ever heard of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Vegetarian for moral reasons has to be one of THE dumbest things I've ever heard of.

Thank you for your relevant and thoughtful input.

[Anonymous]

Team OP!
MIL sounds annoying. But if it’s so important to your husband that MIL make a turkey, let her make a turkey. You be in charge of the rest.

To a PP who criticized the OP for paying half of MIL’s ticket, why should OP and DH incur all the cost of either her ticket or traveling to see her? At some point MIL has to come to them for holidays; now that there’s a kid in the picture, OP may want to start her own holiday traditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can sort of understand, OP. I wouldn't want to go to Thanksgiving dinner at a vegetarian's house. That sounds just awful.

I agree that it sucks. My SIL is a vegetarian and Thanksgiving with her is a drag.

[Anonymous]

You are drowning in a glass of water

[Anonymous]

Sorry, but I disagree with OP's stance. Outside of holidays, I would be 100% on OP's side. Under ordinary circumstances I think she has a reasonable expectation of what is and is not appropriate in her house. However, when it comes to holidays, people have some long-standing traditions. OP's MIL is obviously one of those people. If you aren't going to allow someone to observe their own traditions, then you shouldn't make them come to your home. If you aren't willing to compromise on your household rules to allow her to have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner including preparing the meal, then I suggest that you do not host her. Either the three of you go to her, or you find another way to have the family enjoy Thanksgiving together.

Frankly, it sounds like you really don't want her there. First, you said that she jumps at the chance to visit with her granddaughter. She was willing to buy her own round-trip ticket to come for one day to celebrate her granddaughter's birthday. So money isn't the object. You thought you were being nice offering to split her transportation. To some people, offering to split a cost is a rather rude way to invite someone. Either you offer to pay her way or you accommodate her in other ways. This offer makes it sound like you weren't really interested in hosting her and bringing her to your house, but grudgingly offered half a plane ticket as a weak compromise. Then you object to her preparing a traditional Thanksgiving meal. She knows that you are vegetarian and she didn't want you to make you prepare a turkey that you objected to, but now, you won't even let her prepare a turkey for the non-vegetarians in the family. I can see how she feels that it doesn't even seem worth the effort and that she'd just rather find another time to visit without feeling your disapproval.

Personally, if I were offered your option, I would offer to stay near you in an airBnB or extended stay hotel with a kitchen and offer to cook Thanksgiving dinner and have you all come to the rental for dinner. I would much rather try to host a real Thanksgiving dinner than your option. I think a precooked turkey is not really worth it. Most of them are overcooked to begin with and reheating it just makes it worse. If you aren't going to make a homemade or fresh cooked turkey, then just create a new tradition.

[Anonymous]

It's fresher and therefore higher quality and healthier to cook your own turkey.

[Anonymous]

I think MIL is being ridiculous. I wouldn't be surprised if there are other reasons behind her not coming.

Does she have a history of things needing to be about her? Is she upset that she isn't the one hosting the holiday? Is she upset that it is her turn to have you for the holiday and now you aren't coming to her but asking her to come to you?

I think you had a perfect compromise. I also think if she should have addressed this directly when the plans were being made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the MIL's side. Sorry, but your views on meat handling are ridiculous. If you don't eat meat, then it makes sense to let her cook the bird. Whether it's precooked or not, the bird is already dead. Even if you don't buy a turkey, they still kill them anyway. So to be a staunch vegetarian on Thanksgiving doesn't do any good unless you are the president and can pardon a bird. People that cook meat are not going to spread the raw meat germs all over your kitchen. Your sink can be washed. If you don't like the smell of it cooking, then leave the house for a while. You'd still have to smell a precooked bird. Every year at Thanksgiving my father would bring up how the poor turkey had to die for us. That is more of a moral and respectful view on the turkey IMO than your squeamish view. I don't blame your MIL for staying home and I don't even understand what you are offended at. She has the right to not go to your house if you are so controlling about it. It should have been her turn to have it at her house and you didn't want to make the effort to go up there. So now your DH doesn't get to see his mother on Thanksgiving because of your views on meat.

I'm an omnivore but I am on team OP. It's true that the MIL has the right to not come over, but hey, shouldn't she make the effort to see her grandchild anyway even if she doesn't like the vegetarian DIL? I don't see how OP is controlling. She actually offered to buy a precooked bird and she didn't need to accommodate the MIL on the turkey. The DH can also visit his mom if he still wishes instead of laying the blame on his poor wife. He sounds like a jerk. I'm sure that he knew about OP's principles before they married so why act all petulant now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm on the MIL's side. Sorry, but your views on meat handling are ridiculous. If you don't eat meat, then it makes sense to let her cook the bird. Whether it's precooked or not, the bird is already dead. Even if you don't buy a turkey, they still kill them anyway. So to be a staunch vegetarian on Thanksgiving doesn't do any good unless you are the president and can pardon a bird. People that cook meat are not going to spread the raw meat germs all over your kitchen. Your sink can be washed. If you don't like the smell of it cooking, then leave the house for a while. You'd still have to smell a precooked bird. Every year at Thanksgiving my father would bring up how the poor turkey had to die for us. That is more of a moral and respectful view on the turkey IMO than your squeamish view. I don't blame your MIL for staying home and I don't even understand what you are offended at. She has the right to not go to your house if you are so controlling about it. It should have been her turn to have it at her house and you didn't want to make the effort to go up there. So now your DH doesn't get to see his mother on Thanksgiving because of your views on meat.

I'm an omnivore but I am on team OP. It's true that the MIL has the right to not come over, but hey, shouldn't she make the effort to see her grandchild anyway even if she doesn't like the vegetarian DIL? I don't see how OP is controlling. She actually offered to buy a precooked bird and she didn't need to accommodate the MIL on the turkey. The DH can also visit his mom if he still wishes instead of laying the blame on his poor wife. He sounds like a jerk. I'm sure that he knew about OP's principles before they married so why act all petulant now?

Oh, that will go over well. OP offers to pay half of MIL's ticket to come and visit and her husband instead offers to fly to see his mother (with or without the granddaughter) and leave OP home on Thanksgiving by herself.

[Anonymous]

This is ridiculous. I wish my MIl would love her granddaughter enough to come for a 24 hour trip just to spend her birthday with her. Your husband and daughter get a vote in this. For my family, part of Thanksgiving tradition is cooking there turkey (definitely not re-heating one).

Life is too short, and Marriage is already stressful enough, don’t entertain petty fights with your MIL. If you accommodate as much as you can (not let her walk all over you, but ... accommodate when you can), life will be much easier (especially since you do not have to see her often since she is 7 hours away).

My MIL lives 3 1/2 hours away. When we see her (~ once a month), I throw a lot of my minor, petty, somewhat controlling rules out the window and let the kids have as much fun with Nana as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like no one won. Sad.

+1. On another note, this board is making me feel so normal today with all the crazy Thanksgiving “drama.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like no one won. Sad.

+1. On another note, this board is making me feel so normal today with all the crazy Thanksgiving “drama.”

It's always this way. I like to come here regularly and read the drama. It always makes me feel so much better about my marriage.

[Anonymous]

Take the vegetarian thing out of it, folks, because this board has an unreasonable hate for vegetarians.

If OP is hosting, and wanted to buy all the food, and have it precooked and Mil refused to come because she did not approve of ordering food, would you all still support MIL?

If you are invited, don't you kind of cede control to the host and let her/him decide how to prepare the food?

The OP is not banning turkey but that's not enough for MIL. She wants to come to OPs home and cook it, too.

Further, mother in law did not know anything about the turkey sitch when she decided not to come. She made the decision without all the facts and never have OP a chance to even debate the cooking versus ordering debate.