MIL not coming for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whenever someone on DCUM posts a gripe about being forced into something that a hosting family does, there is a universal response that you have two options: attend and graciously participate, or decline and stay home.

Well, your MIL had the same options. She felt coerced into changing the traditions that she cares about. So she decided to stay home, just as she presumably does on the off years.

You have a right to host however you want. You do not have the right to force anyone to attend and celebrate "your way" - just as MIL cannot force you to come to her house.

Just don't pretend to be insulted that MIL is choosing her holiday preferences over spending time with family. You are doing the same thing. If you can decide unilaterally not to visit her house, then she can decide whether to visit yours.

Precooked turkey is changing a cherished tradition?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Whenever someone on DCUM posts a gripe about being forced into something that a hosting family does, there is a universal response that you have two options: attend and graciously participate, or decline and stay home.

Well, your MIL had the same options. She felt coerced into changing the traditions that she cares about. So she decided to stay home, just as she presumably does on the off years.

You have a right to host however you want. You do not have the right to force anyone to attend and celebrate "your way" - just as MIL cannot force you to come to her house.

Just don't pretend to be insulted that MIL is choosing her holiday preferences over spending time with family. You are doing the same thing. If you can decide unilaterally not to visit her house, then she can decide whether to visit yours.

Precooked turkey is changing a cherished tradition?

In the OP it says that MIL likes to cook the turkey together and she likes to prep it. That's the tradition she's missing.
I've only had one precooked turkey at someone's house and it was not completely done. I prefer not to have a precooked turkey. I wouldn't miss Thanksgiving over it if I were MIL, but then again I wouldn't insist on it if I were DIL. Both women are so, so wrong and stupidly stubborn and don't understand the real meaning of Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Everyone on here is always telling DILs they should stay home for holidays if they want, and have their own traditions. Well, the tradition here was OP's family alternated what they did and this year would have been to visit MIL for a traditional Thanksgiving meal. DIL doesn't want to drive so they invite MIL to their place instead. Now she has to pay for half a plane ticket. And they're not having a typical turkey dinner. So, MIL opted not to come. Maybe she'd prefer a visit with friends and a traditional meal. All we hear about is how the actual DAY isn't important. Obviously MIL is willing to visit other times. Why does she HAVE to come ON Thanksgiving if she doesn't think she will enjoy it? She can come some other time and have a regular visit instead. She was invited for a particular visit that wasn't what she had in mind (or what had been done until then) and she declined. If it was the other way around and OP was stressing about her kids nap and dinner time, how many people would be telling her not to go at all? Jeez.

But they are!! Op is getting a precooked turkey. People do that all the time. It's pretty standard advice on here if someone is going to have trouble prepping the meal for some reason. It's still turkey, for Pete's sake.

No, they're not. MIL's "typical turkey dinner" includes prepping and cooking a real turkey with presumable stuffing and whatever else. That is not a precooked, warmed up turkey. I agree with PP above, they are both being stubborn, but if it's OP's prerogative to insist on no turkey prep/cooking, then it's also MIL's prerogative to decline the invitation. My SIL is a vegetarian, and my mom always made a special separate dinner she would like for her on turkey holidays. My SIL would never be bothered to host, but if she did and told the rest of us we couldn't do the turkey in her house and could only have a precooked one she found less morally objectionable, then my guess is we wouldn't be too excited about her hosting either.

[Anonymous]

Unnecessary fowl drama.

[Anonymous]

Both are being childish.

MIL is upset she’s not hosting this year, so she’s being dramatic. But she needs to realize that it’s hard to travel with a toddler. Things change, and if you want a relationship with your family, you have to change too.

The turkey thing is weird, but I get it. My MIL is the messiest cook, and I wouldn’t let her cook a turkey in my home. No thanks! 1-800-HONEY-BAKED!

We are focused on the turkey COOKING, the focus should be on family being together! In my family, there could be a lasagna on the turkey platter, garlic bread in the bread basket, Parmesan cheese in the gravy boat, and tiramisu for dessert, but as long as we were gathered together at the table for a nice Thanksgiving meal, that’s all that matters.

The turkey is a moot point. MIL is upset that she isn’t hosting. Full stop.

[Anonymous]

This is dumb.

Seems like an easy thing for either of you to bend on.

My mom gave me guff about having a turkey breast this year - there are only 3 turkey eaters!

Maybe women of a certain generation are very tied to a whole turkey and the process of cooking it? I don't know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is dumb.

Seems like an easy thing for either of you to bend on.

My mom gave me guff about having a turkey breast this year - there are only 3 turkey eaters!

Maybe women of a certain generation are very tied to a whole turkey and the process of cooking it? I don't know.

It’s like gift giving! Adults buying other adults crap. Making a whole turkey because TRADITION!!! when only 3 people are eating.

When all of these Boomers die, I think a lot of things will change.

[Anonymous]

it does seem like an easy thing to give on, but OP's mil never asked, she just assumed there would be no turkey.

My guess is if OP said, "Sure, MIL, come cook," MIL would still find a reason not to come because she doesn't want to and the turkey is a (dumb) cover.

So yeah, both are being a bit childish by not seeing the real issue: MIL wants it at her home and is pissed the family changed the plan

(which is another discussion--but it does seem easier for one person to travel rather than 3 for one day and to board animals when OP's family was goig to buy half the ticket for Mil It is stubbornness for stubborn's sake).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL is completely unreasonable, but I'd be more worried about your DH problem.

I agree, and I suggest that you give in about allowing the turkey prep, since it's the husband's kitchen too, and he is obviously upset about this situation and wants his mother to come. Do it for him, not your MIL.

[Anonymous]

This is why everybody hates vegetarians. Always about making diva requests. I am convinced vegetarians are vegeterians just for attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is dumb.

Seems like an easy thing for either of you to bend on.

My mom gave me guff about having a turkey breast this year - there are only 3 turkey eaters!

Maybe women of a certain generation are very tied to a whole turkey and the process of cooking it? I don't know.

I agree its dumb, and one of them should bend. But I do understand MIL. For me Thanksgiving is all about the marriage of family and food - its not just eating the food, but making it with family. We spend the day in the kitchen prepping and talking, and talking about people who are gone now who made the same recipes. We tell the same old stories and it connects us. I'm Gen X, so its not just that Boomers are tied to their ways. I've spent Thanksgiving all over the world, in places where you couldn't get a turkey and I've cooked frozen chicken legs as a substitute, so I'm not a purist about Thanksgiving. But I think you miss the point if you don't realize that for some people - those people who love to cook, and love the tradition of cooking as a family - Thanksgiving feels a little sad if you can't do that. All of that said, if someday I have a DIL and she invites me for Thanksgiving and says there will be precooked turkey (or no turkey, or horror of horrors no pie) I hope I will be gracious and not say a word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is dumb.

Seems like an easy thing for either of you to bend on.

My mom gave me guff about having a turkey breast this year - there are only 3 turkey eaters!

Maybe women of a certain generation are very tied to a whole turkey and the process of cooking it? I don't know.

I agree its dumb, and one of them should bend. But I do understand MIL. For me Thanksgiving is all about the marriage of family and food - its not just eating the food, but making it with family. We spend the day in the kitchen prepping and talking, and talking about people who are gone now who made the same recipes. We tell the same old stories and it connects us. I'm Gen X, so its not just that Boomers are tied to their ways. I've spent Thanksgiving all over the world, in places where you couldn't get a turkey and I've cooked frozen chicken legs as a substitute, so I'm not a purist about Thanksgiving. But I think you miss the point if you don't realize that for some people - those people who love to cook, and love the tradition of cooking as a family - Thanksgiving feels a little sad if you can't do that. All of that said, if someday I have a DIL and she invites me for Thanksgiving and says there will be precooked turkey (or no turkey, or horror of horrors no pie) I hope I will be gracious and not say a word.

But there's no reason that they can't cook together. The only thing OP didn't want to cook was the turkey, which she will order. So that leaves all kinds of dishes to prep together.

Also, as I tell my preschooler, whining and pouting are not the right way to get what you want. MIL could have agreed to come, and then explained to OP why she felt that cooking a turkey, specifically, was so important. And hopefully OP would have listened, and then the two of them could have worked something out. But instead MIL decides to blow up the holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is dumb.

Seems like an easy thing for either of you to bend on.

My mom gave me guff about having a turkey breast this year - there are only 3 turkey eaters!

Maybe women of a certain generation are very tied to a whole turkey and the process of cooking it? I don't know.

I agree its dumb, and one of them should bend. But I do understand MIL. For me Thanksgiving is all about the marriage of family and food - its not just eating the food, but making it with family. We spend the day in the kitchen prepping and talking, and talking about people who are gone now who made the same recipes. We tell the same old stories and it connects us. I'm Gen X, so its not just that Boomers are tied to their ways. I've spent Thanksgiving all over the world, in places where you couldn't get a turkey and I've cooked frozen chicken legs as a substitute, so I'm not a purist about Thanksgiving. But I think you miss the point if you don't realize that for some people - those people who love to cook, and love the tradition of cooking as a family - Thanksgiving feels a little sad if you can't do that. All of that said, if someday I have a DIL and she invites me for Thanksgiving and says there will be precooked turkey (or no turkey, or horror of horrors no pie) I hope I will be gracious and not say a word.

I love to cook but this thread is an illustration as to why I don't cook for Thanksgiving. People have so many rules, it's insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL is completely unreasonable, but I'd be more worried about your DH problem.

I agree, and I suggest that you give in about allowing the turkey prep, since it's the husband's kitchen too, and he is obviously upset about this situation and wants his mother to come. Do it for him, not your MIL.

You guys are missing the forest for the trees. MIL probably could care less about the turkey, she’s just upset her tradition of hosting is being threatened and is having a tantrum about it. She knows she won’t get her son on board by saying that she wants to be the only one to host Thanksgiving forever so she found another reason that she (correctly) guessed would result in him taking her side and letting her host next year.

Wake up OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is dumb.

Seems like an easy thing for either of you to bend on.

My mom gave me guff about having a turkey breast this year - there are only 3 turkey eaters!

Maybe women of a certain generation are very tied to a whole turkey and the process of cooking it? I don't know.

You know what’s even more strange about MILs sudden heartfelt need to make a turkey her way on Thanksgiving? She never even asked her DIL if she could make the turkey! This is not about turkey, it’s about the MIL wanting to be the only one allowed to host Thanksgiving and getting her son on board. Sounds like she’s winning!