I feel absolutely horrible! Please tell me what you think

[Anonymous]

I posted earlier about my AA BF. OP has not said how old the kids are, but I wonder what those kids said to their mom about it. And what she said to them. That's what makes the the saddest, thinking how the mom likely wanted to spare them from the idea that OP was mentioning it because they are AA. No one wants their children to suffer hurt feelings, and I cannot even imagine how this must cut an AA mother. We are white, and if someone did the exact same thing to my DS--told him that this was a "private party" as he was getting some ice cream--I would think she was a rude person and probably complain about her to DH and/or my friends. But when you are AA...it adds a whole other level beyond just that, I imagine. That's what sucks.

[Anonymous]

OP, think you should tell DH if you haven't already done so. If this is a large firm, the mom might tell someone in HR or on the diversity committee about this incident. That would be a professional or reputational black eye for your husband. Even if he tries to explain that you didn't recognize the kids, the firm will probably just think it's an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This "happens all the time" but doesn't it happen all the time to all kinds of kids?

No. It doesn't happen all the time to all types of kids.

I'm sure it does.

And if that makes you feel better when you read about a situation that the OP described then, yes, I would keep on believing it if I were you.

I think the OP realizes she made a mistake and why. The kids probably won't think twice about it because they're a bit young to understand. But she offended the heck out of the mother. Everyone here should understand how protective you are about your kids and why this would be hurtful. Trying to explain it away by making it something it was not isn't helpful at all.

I'm not the PP you're referring to but . . . I just don't believe it doesn't happen to all kids. Sorry. I was certainly called out for my naughty behavior -real or perceived- when I was a child. [Note: I live in a diverse neighborhood and have friends of all colors, genders, sexual orientation, etc. My child is in a daycare with all colors, ethnicities, etc. So, I'm not in a "white bubble" as some will undoubtedly allege (i.e., the Bethesda thread a few weeks back).] I am just going to say the unpopular thing and not doubt will be flamed: I think some races tend to be oversensitive in situations like this. I don't blame anyone for being that way given the history of racism in this country. But I do think it is unreasonable in a situation like this where there is nothing to support a charge of racism / prejudice other than the color of the parties involved. I think that this situation was not racism. Or prejudice. It is a woman with some control issues who should have left well enough alone. This is being blown way out of proportion.

Flame away . . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not the PP you're referring to but . . . I just don't believe it doesn't happen to all kids. Sorry. I was certainly called out for my naughty behavior -real or perceived- when I was a child.

You were called out for your naughty behavior. The kids at the outing weren't doing anything wrong.

[Anonymous]

OP, your remark may cause professional problems for your husband that he needs to address. For him to be the only one unaware of the situation is inconcieveable to me.

Well at least we got a few pages in before the "oversensitive" card was trotted out.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am stepping in having only read a few pages, so if it's buried in the thread, sorry:

Did you say something like, "This icecream is for the party" or did you say something like, "Excuse me! You don't steal ice cream!"
Not knowing which kids were part of the party is okay, but given that you couldn't possibly know all the kids associated with the party, if you approached it by scolding them, then I do think you needed to apologize and you should tell DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am stepping in having only read a few pages, so if it's buried in the thread, sorry:

Did you say something like, "This icecream is for the party" or did you say something like, "Excuse me! You don't steal ice cream!"
Not knowing which kids were part of the party is okay, but given that you couldn't possibly know all the kids associated with the party, if you approached it by scolding them, then I do think you needed to apologize and you should tell DH.

"I just hadn't seen them before and said "this is a private party""

[Anonymous]

God-is this thread still going? I posted way earlier that OP was probably a control freak and would told any kids that she didn't know that it was a private party. I stand that she isn't some kind of racist but think the overly pc crowd needs to relax. Call the diversity people at the firm? What? I remember as a kid being told that I didn't belong a few times when I was at various picnics and it was no big deal. This is no big deal and I am tired of the oh the AA people blah blah blah. The focus on race is what sets AA people back. OP relax and move on from this just know that if you are not organizing an event, you shouldn't be focused on who is supposed to be eating what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not the PP you're referring to but . . . I just don't believe it doesn't happen to all kids. Sorry. I was certainly called out for my naughty behavior -real or perceived- when I was a child. [Note: I live in a diverse neighborhood and have friends of all colors, genders, sexual orientation, etc. My child is in a daycare with all colors, ethnicities, etc. So, I'm not in a "white bubble" as some will undoubtedly allege (i.e., the Bethesda thread a few weeks back).] I am just going to say the unpopular thing and not doubt will be flamed: I think some races tend to be oversensitive in situations like this. I don't blame anyone for being that way given the history of racism in this country. But I do think it is unreasonable in a situation like this where there is nothing to support a charge of racism / prejudice other than the color of the parties involved. I think that this situation was not racism. Or prejudice. It is a woman with some control issues who should have left well enough alone. This is being blown way out of proportion.

Flame away . . .

OP saw two black kids at a (probably) mostly white party for families of people who all work together. The kids stood out because they were black. She notidced them because they looked like the didn't belong there.

If there had been some white kids who she hadn't met before she NEVER would have told them "This is a private party, don't touch that ice cream."

She would have said what she should have said "Hi!" Or even, if the ice cream was her responsibility, and the kids were young -- "Does you mom/dad know you are taking ice cream? I just want to be sure it's ok --some kids have food allergies -- which one is she/he? I'd like to meet them."

Why didn't she say that to the black kids at the party? Because she jumped to the conclusion that they did NOT belong there. And instead of just letting it go, she intervened: "This is a private party, kids; this stuff isn't for you." What possible reason could she have had for doing so? To teach these interlopers some manners?

I don't think OP is prejudiced necessarily, but she knows that race was a factor. That's why she mentioned their race. She NOTICED them because of their race, and she assumed they were not part of the party, because they stood out, and she figured, she would have noticed if there were any black people there.

No one is saying this is an example of racism/prejudice. AT least I'm not. But it was an egrigious eorri in etiquitte, with some racial underpinnings; and a second apology is in order. SOmething along the lines of "Hey, Sarah, my wife still feels horrible about her mistake with the kids and the ice cream on THursday. Just wanted you to know that."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This "happens all the time" but doesn't it happen all the time to all kinds of kids?

No. It doesn't happen all the time to all types of kids.

I'm sure it does.

And if that makes you feel better when you read about a situation that the OP described then, yes, I would keep on believing it if I were you.

I think the OP realizes she made a mistake and why. The kids probably won't think twice about it because they're a bit young to understand. But she offended the heck out of the mother. Everyone here should understand how protective you are about your kids and why this would be hurtful. Trying to explain it away by making it something it was not isn't helpful at all.

I'm not the PP you're referring to but . . . I just don't believe it doesn't happen to all kids. Sorry. I was certainly called out for my naughty behavior -real or perceived- when I was a child. [Note: I live in a diverse neighborhood and have friends of all colors, genders, sexual orientation, etc. My child is in a daycare with all colors, ethnicities, etc. So, I'm not in a "white bubble" as some will undoubtedly allege (i.e., the Bethesda thread a few weeks back).] I am just going to say the unpopular thing and not doubt will be flamed: I think some races tend to be oversensitive in situations like this. I don't blame anyone for being that way given the history of racism in this country. But I do think it is unreasonable in a situation like this where there is nothing to support a charge of racism / prejudice other than the color of the parties involved. I think that this situation was not racism. Or prejudice. It is a woman with some control issues who should have left well enough alone. This is being blown way out of proportion.

Flame away . . .

Yea, I guess you're right...like white women are oversensitive about the "F" word (fat).

[Anonymous]

Maybe one event not a big deal to get over. But if it happens a lot throughout your life, cumulatively it has a big impact. Think about children who are put down and constantly told they are stupid or weak and how they are affected by that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not the PP you're referring to but . . . I just don't believe it doesn't happen to all kids. Sorry. I was certainly called out for my naughty behavior -real or perceived- when I was a child. [Note: I live in a diverse neighborhood and have friends of all colors, genders, sexual orientation, etc. My child is in a daycare with all colors, ethnicities, etc. So, I'm not in a "white bubble" as some will undoubtedly allege (i.e., the Bethesda thread a few weeks back).] I am just going to say the unpopular thing and not doubt will be flamed: I think some races tend to be oversensitive in situations like this. I don't blame anyone for being that way given the history of racism in this country. But I do think it is unreasonable in a situation like this where there is nothing to support a charge of racism / prejudice other than the color of the parties involved. I think that this situation was not racism. Or prejudice. It is a woman with some control issues who should have left well enough alone. This is being blown way out of proportion.

Flame away . . .

OP saw two black kids at a (probably) mostly white party for families of people who all work together. The kids stood out because they were black. She notidced them because they looked like the didn't belong there.

If there had been some white kids who she hadn't met before she NEVER would have told them "This is a private party, don't touch that ice cream."

She would have said what she should have said "Hi!" Or even, if the ice cream was her responsibility, and the kids were young -- "Does you mom/dad know you are taking ice cream? I just want to be sure it's ok --some kids have food allergies -- which one is she/he? I'd like to meet them."

Why didn't she say that to the black kids at the party? Because she jumped to the conclusion that they did NOT belong there. And instead of just letting it go, she intervened: "This is a private party, kids; this stuff isn't for you." What possible reason could she have had for doing so? To teach these interlopers some manners?

I don't think OP is prejudiced necessarily, but she knows that race was a factor. That's why she mentioned their race. She NOTICED them because of their race, and she assumed they were not part of the party, because they stood out, and she figured, she would have noticed if there were any black people there.

No one is saying this is an example of racism/prejudice. AT least I'm not. But it was an egrigious eorri in etiquitte, with some racial underpinnings; and a second apology is in order. SOmething along the lines of "Hey, Sarah, my wife still feels horrible about her mistake with the kids and the ice cream on THursday. Just wanted you to know that."

Yes, the two kids stood out because they were "the only brown skinned" ones there (their words, I believe OP said). If they had been two white kids at an all AA party, the same thing would have happened. Apologizing twice is just making it worse. It's like saying, "Just wanted to make sure you know I have nothing against blacks."

I don't think the OP meant in her post that she felt terrible that she did something racist. I think she felt terrible that she could be perceived as having done something racist. Big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, the two kids stood out because they were "the only brown skinned" ones there (their words, I believe OP said). If they had been two white kids at an all AA party, the same thing would have happened. Apologizing twice is just making it worse. It's like saying, "Just wanted to make sure you know I have nothing against blacks."

I don't think the OP meant in her post that she felt terrible that she did something racist. I think she felt terrible that she could be perceived as having done something racist. Big difference.

I strongly doubt that. I'm white, live in amostly black community and my kids go to mostly black schools. They stand out, we stand out. But we are not the recipients of the kind of subtle and not so subtle discrimination that occurs on a regular basis to kids who have dark skin. It's just not the same, and I am well aware of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, the two kids stood out because they were "the only brown skinned" ones there (their words, I believe OP said). If they had been two white kids at an all AA party, the same thing would have happened. Apologizing twice is just making it worse. It's like saying, "Just wanted to make sure you know I have nothing against blacks."

I don't think the OP meant in her post that she felt terrible that she did something racist. I think she felt terrible that she could be perceived as having done something racist. Big difference.

I strongly doubt that. I'm white, live in amostly black community and my kids go to mostly black schools. They stand out, we stand out. But we are not the recipients of the kind of subtle and not so subtle discrimination that occurs on a regular basis to kids who have dark skin. It's just not the same, and I am well aware of that.

We're talking about standing out at a private party. No kids would crash going to someone else's school....

[Anonymous]

This is a lesson to us all - no one likes an ice cream monitor.