I feel absolutely horrible! Please tell me what you think

[Anonymous]

I think to debate whethor or not it is prejudice or racism on OP's part misses the point. Those kids were at their mom's work picnic and tried to have a treat. They were well aware that they were the only kids with brown skin there. They were treated like criminals rather than party guests, as they saw it, because of the color or their skin. OP, the mom even said that to you. The PP's are right, you need to tell your husband so he can do damage control about his relationships and his reputation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I'm quite sure it wasn't the first time something like this has happened to them, and it won't be the last.

This is very true. I'm surprised at the number of people telling OP to move on as if she were the one put in the predicament. It's not the end of the world, or even a huge deal, but you would think most people should be able to understand how crappy it makes you feel when you're on the receiving end. Unless you feel like it's just par for the course being Black in America.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Years ago, I sent my friend (AA female) to my hair salon. When she arrived, they told her they didn't do black hair and referred her to the braid place across the street. I didn't hear the end of it for quite some time. But as a white woman, I don't think about where I have to get my hair done.

Sorry to go off-topic, but how does this example show "hidden prejudice"? It just seems that you didn't realize that not all stylists know how to deal with all hair. A stylist once rejected my SIL as a client because the stylist didn't know how to cut "white hair."

I'm not criticizing you PP. I actually think you're being too hard on yourself. Or maybe I am unaware of my own "hidden prejudice."

fair enough, PP

Here's some background:

Although I do realize that some stylists aren't trained in ethnic hair, I immediately thought that b/c the place was a bit upscale, they'd have people either cross-trained or those who specialize. After all, why would you exclude anyone? Hire at least one person with experience in ethnic hair - especially in our diverse area. So that was indeed my mistake.

What stung me, however, was my friend's reaction when one of the top stylists referred her to the braid salon across the way. She said that she was amazed at how easy it was for him to point her to a place that obviously didn't reflect her style at all. (She relaxes her hair and has never had braids.) So she was saying that he stereotyped her by assuming that all AAs braid their hair.

So I would have never even thought twice about it if my friend hadn't complained. But she was offended - and had a right to be.

I don't think it's necessarily a hidden prejudice on my part - just ignorance. After my friend and I spoke, she said that whites didn't really have to think twice about where to get their hair done, but many AAs (and others with different texture hair) do. So it's all about being aware, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The incident that the OP has shared happens every day to African Americans. Racism is alive and well.

As a Black person, I don't believe this is racism. It is stereotyping and prejudice for sure. But I don't believe the people that do what OP did believe other races are inferior based on their skin color.

Maybe not inferior, but she didn't think they belonged at the picnic, that would be bigotry, but it is a fine line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your need to save the company ice cream is clearly a control issue. As a Black American, I would initially feel insulted and angry even if I did not say so to you. But I would get over it. The great thing that you did was apologize immediately. That helps a lot.

You need to tell your husband ASAP because his coworker is going to tell every other black person or minority in the firm and probably the whites she perceives as sympathetic. Your husband's instinct may be to apologize profusely as well because no one wants to become known, fairly or not, as the office's closet racist.

OP, this is some good advice.

I second this (third? whatever.) Especially if this was a summer associate event, or, heaven forbid, the kids were children related to a summer associate. Your husband needs to know so that he can take whatever steps he feels necessary to do damage control, not only for his reputation, but potentially the firm's as well.

[Anonymous]

For all the people who are saying this isn't a big deal, you apologized, now move on....

It's true that it isn't the end of the world. Op apologized as she shoudl have, and if it were just a regular party, she indeed should just move on.

However...

It was a WORK party. Her husband is partner in the firm. The mother of the children could be his coworker, or his employee, or a summer intern.

OP committed a major breach of social etiquette. SHe reprimanded another person's children. She didn't reprimand them for running or doing somehting dangerous. She reprimanded them for stealing ice cream. When they were invited guests at the party. She wasn't in charge of the party. It wasn't her ice cream. And realistically the reason she thought these kids were crashing the party and stealing ice cream was, they stood out. They stood out because they were black. That doesn't make her racists. But it is an important fact.

It's great that OP apologized, but her husband really needs to know that this happened.

[Anonymous]

This is a side argument to an important discussion. But maybe it will help with the hair stylist sidebar. I'm white, and I once went to an AA salon where the stylists didn't know what to do with my fine, limp hair. They kept lifting it up and watching it drop. It was a bit humiliating.

[Anonymous]

OP, what did he say?

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure OP has mentioned it. I will add that if I was the mom I would expect OP's husband to say something about it on Monday. If he did not I would see that as an insensitive reaction to the unfortunate exchange. OP you are just compounding the situation if you don't tell him before he goes to work on Monday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the important point here is that those boys got a tiny hint. Trust me, they got it. It is tiny incidents like that over a life time that cause AAs to feel unwelcome and distrustful. So when people say that there is no racism, and why are blacks so bent out of shape, please remember this. They will get this about 10 times a year.

I teach my son to make eye contact and say hello in these types of circumstances. I think that that makes whites less uncomfortable. I might be wrong. I had someone do something like that to me at a local synagogue recently, the other woman was VERY embarrassed. I was embarrassed for her.

THINK THINK THINK.

My lifelong BF is African American and it just takes the wind out of me when I hear this. It makes me feel so angry and hurt for her. I know direct from her that this sh*t happens--obviously we have discussed prejudice over the years--but she very rarely explains it in a way that this poster did. And she just had a baby boy and it makes me feel even worse when I hear that this is something that he can expect throughout his life. Intellectually, I am aware of this, but emotionally, it just knocks me out, as I have a son too, and I would f*cking crumble just thinking about him being treated badly. She and her DH are so special to me, and yet I know there is a whole universe of crap they deal with that I can never understand fully.

[Anonymous]

This "happens all the time" but doesn't it happen all the time to all kinds of kids? If she had said that to white kids it just wouldn't have registered with anybody or gone on anyone's list of times it had happened.

FWIW, I get followed by undercover security when shopping often. I have no idea why. I think they must be on the lookout for a certain profile of shoplifters or particular people in a shoplifting ring and I match the description. I am white so it doesn't occur to me to think, "must be because I'm white."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This "happens all the time" but doesn't it happen all the time to all kinds of kids?

No. It doesn't happen all the time to all types of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This "happens all the time" but doesn't it happen all the time to all kinds of kids?

No. It doesn't happen all the time to all types of kids.

I'm sure it does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This "happens all the time" but doesn't it happen all the time to all kinds of kids?

No. It doesn't happen all the time to all types of kids.

I'm sure it does.

And if that makes you feel better when you read about a situation that the OP described then, yes, I would keep on believing it if I were you.

I think the OP realizes she made a mistake and why. The kids probably won't think twice about it because they're a bit young to understand. But she offended the heck out of the mother. Everyone here should understand how protective you are about your kids and why this would be hurtful. Trying to explain it away by making it something it was not isn't helpful at all.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the kids are too young at all PP, the mom said thtat they thought it was because of the color of their skin.

Why people want to negate what happend is also beyond me. It's disturbing. At least OP realizes that she really put her foot in her mouth and what it might say about her.

OP, what did your husband say when you told him?

How many people would be so focused on their feelings of discomfort that they would hang their husband out to dry and not tell him?