I feel absolutely horrible! Please tell me what you think

[Anonymous]

It happens. I actually think that being called on certain behaviors is a good thing b/c it makes you aware of hidden prejudices. (And we all have them.)

Years ago, I sent my friend (AA female) to my hair salon. When she arrived, they told her they didn't do black hair and referred her to the braid place across the street. I didn't hear the end of it for quite some time. But as a white woman, I don't think about where I have to get my hair done.

Live and learn, I say.

Wasn't there also some race test where there's been some crime, and people have to identify the criminal? There's an AA male on the bus holding a newspaper, and most people identify him as the criminal, thinking the newspaper is a gun. (or something along those lines)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not quick to break out the racist word but I will say that this is why stereotypes are not your friend. You obviously were on your guard a bit more when you noticed they both were black or you wouldn't have even noticed them. I don't agree with it, but this is why a lot of black people walk around with the proverbial chip on their shoulder. I probably wouldn't have jumped to that conclusion if I were that mom (and we don;t know exactly what she was thinking) but I often feel this way when I walk into certain stores and people automatically assume I work there. This happens more than I care to admit.

I thought you meant they were Administrative Assistants at your husband's job, so does that mean I pass the race test? AA means black?

That would've been funny if the OP hadn't said they were "boys". Not sure how many administrative assistants would fit that description, but maybe you've met a bunch before so it would make sense that you thought that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not quick to break out the racist word but I will say that this is why stereotypes are not your friend. You obviously were on your guard a bit more when you noticed they both were black or you wouldn't have even noticed them. I don't agree with it, but this is why a lot of black people walk around with the proverbial chip on their shoulder. I probably wouldn't have jumped to that conclusion if I were that mom (and we don;t know exactly what she was thinking) but I often feel this way when I walk into certain stores and people automatically assume I work there. This happens more than I care to admit.

I thought you meant they were Administrative Assistants at your husband's job, so does that mean I pass the race test? AA means black?

That would've been funny if the OP hadn't said they were "boys". Not sure how many administrative assistants would fit that description, but maybe you've met a bunch before so it would make sense that you thought that.

It's unusual for a guy to be an administrative assistant. When the OP said: "I saw 2 boys who I hadn't seen before walk up and take ice cream out of the cooler. They happen to be AA which is not an issue at all for me" I thought she meant, weird to have male AA's but hey, I'm cool with that.

I have only seen 'AA' on this site, and every single time I've read it I thought it was either Administrative Assistant or, when race is obviously the topic of discussion, Asian American. I wish I could go back and re-read all those threads for the proper context.

[Anonymous]

PP you see "boys" and think grown men? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP you see "boys" and think grown men? Really?

Holy crap, I can't believe I have to untie every single knot in my line of thinking, BUT -- I would assume for MEN that being an AA would be a first-rung type job, a summer internship kind of thing, so yes, I would think "College kid" = boy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you see "boys" and think grown men? Really?

Holy crap, I can't believe I have to untie every single knot in my line of thinking, BUT -- I would assume for MEN that being an AA would be a first-rung type job, a summer internship kind of thing, so yes, I would think "College kid" = boy.

Oh, and I forgot to add, "I am a complete idiot, but" before i started my post, which I'll try to get in the habit of doing from now on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you see "boys" and think grown men? Really?

Holy crap, I can't believe I have to untie every single knot in my line of thinking, BUT -- I would assume for MEN that being an AA would be a first-rung type job, a summer internship kind of thing, so yes, I would think "College kid" = boy.

Oh, and I forgot to add, "I am a complete idiot, but" before i started my post, which I'll try to get in the habit of doing from now on.

It was a very simple statement the OP made and you still seem confused by what I said. I won't get drawn into a stupid argument with you over something you misinterpreted so badly. You're welcome to start your posts with whatever you like.

OP sorry for the tangent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think the problem is of race. The problem is of you butting you head into something that wasn't your business because I have a feeling you would have said the "it's a private party line" to any kids that you didn't recognize at the party. Remember it was your husband's party so why you thought you should be a party monitor is the problem. I am sure there was someone organizing the party from his work and they should be overseeing this kind of stuff. You were there as a guest and acting in a controlling manner. This is what you need to look at.

I agree with the above poster. You were not hosting the party. So even if you didn't recognize the kids, why not let them have some ice cream? They're kids!

[Anonymous]

OP-here-I know I am an idiot, I truly don't know what I was thinking, I just reacted. To make it worse, my husband is a partner and I am the partner's b*tch wife. My husband is a really, really good guy who always tries to do the right thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you see "boys" and think grown men? Really?

Holy crap, I can't believe I have to untie every single knot in my line of thinking, BUT -- I would assume for MEN that being an AA would be a first-rung type job, a summer internship kind of thing, so yes, I would think "College kid" = boy.

Oh, and I forgot to add, "I am a complete idiot, but" before i started my post, which I'll try to get in the habit of doing from now on.

It was a very simple statement the OP made and you still seem confused by what I said. I won't get drawn into a stupid argument with you over something you misinterpreted so badly. You're welcome to start your posts with whatever you like.

OP sorry for the tangent.

I am a complete idiot, but I have no idea what you are talking about. None.

[Anonymous]

OP, at least you have the moral fiber to feel horrible about the incident. That's half the battle. Contrary to what a previous poster said, I think it's unlikely that you would have said the same thing to two white boys. You probably would have just assumed you hadn't met them yet. Or maybe you would have - I don't know. I hope that other readers of this thread take this as a "teachable moment" - every time something like this happens to a black person, the black person is left with this nagging question of "was it because I'm black? Or is it completely innocent and I'm being paranoid?" It's a really annoying phenomenon. I worked at a large law firm - as an associate - yet, on occasion, some of the older white partners that didn't know me would assume I was an administrative assistant or a contract attorney. I can't say for sure that they made such an assumption because I was black (it could have just been that I was a young woman), but it was so annoying to be confronted with the potential of racial stereotyping that it weighed on me all the same. If someone transferred the same sort of stereotyping to my kids and assumed that they didn't "belong" based on their appearance, I would find it hurtful. You should definitely tell your husband in case the issue ever comes up with him at the office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you see "boys" and think grown men? Really?

Holy crap, I can't believe I have to untie every single knot in my line of thinking, BUT -- I would assume for MEN that being an AA would be a first-rung type job, a summer internship kind of thing, so yes, I would think "College kid" = boy.

Oh, and I forgot to add, "I am a complete idiot, but" before i started my post, which I'll try to get in the habit of doing from now on.

For the "holy crap" line, too!

[Anonymous]

Thanks 21:29-I don't know if I can tell DH, just b/c I feel really bad about it-I really don't know what I was thinking. I want to tell him, but to be honest I don't know if I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-here-I know I am an idiot, I truly don't know what I was thinking, I just reacted. To make it worse, my husband is a partner and I am the partner's b*tch wife. My husband is a really, really good guy who always tries to do the right thing.

OP, you screwed up. OK, you need to admit it, and you should explain to your husband what happened.

You should not have attempted to be the office party monitor, although hearing that your husband is a partner in the firm I guess makes it a bit more understandable.

Who was the woman, in the firm? Do you know her? Did you know her name, what her position is in the firm?

I don't mean post it here, but explain it to your husband. Do it quickly. "I saw two kids I didn't think were part of the party, and told them not to take any ice cream as it was a private party. It turned out they were "Sandra's" kids. I feel awful and apologized to her and her kids. I really screwed up, I shouldn't have felt I had to be the party monitor, and if I felt that was my job, I certainly shouldn't have done it if I didn't know everyone who was invited, and all their kdis and guests, which I didn't. I really had no idea who was there, and it wasn't my place to be even thinking about that kind of stuff, anyhow."

I don't know that there's any more that can be done. Resolve in the future not to worry so much about who is making off with free ice cream.

You aren't a horrible person. Examine yourself further to see if truly, maybe there was some racism in your assumptions that these kids weren't part of the party. It's a possibility. But then let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP you see "boys" and think grown men? Really?

Holy crap, I can't believe I have to untie every single knot in my line of thinking, BUT -- I would assume for MEN that being an AA would be a first-rung type job, a summer internship kind of thing, so yes, I would think "College kid" = boy.

Oh, and I forgot to add, "I am a complete idiot, but" before i started my post, which I'll try to get in the habit of doing from now on.

Are you drunk or something? What's wrong with you?

WHO CARES????? No one on this board can tell you why you said what you did. I find it very strange that you were worried about children taking drinks out of your HUSBAND's COMPANY'S cooler. So, did you do it because they were African American (at first I thought they were drunks from Alcoholic's Anonymous) or because you were so worried that your husbands' company would lose $5 worth of beverages? Only you know the answer to this -

Also it's bizarre to me that you haven't told your husband what you did.