I feel absolutely horrible! Please tell me what you think

[Anonymous]

NP here. I'm sure that we don't get treated 100% the same way as Black people in our neighborhood but I know we don't get treated the way individual Blacks do in white neighborhoods.

And one major reason is because the Black people who live here actually have lives and don't spend all their time worrying about individual white people in the neighborhood. Which was news to me when I moved in because I had been brainwashed into believing that a white person would be immediately mugged if they came into this neighborhood. (Guess what, white people. Young, working-class Black men are not spending all their time trying to figure out how to rip white people off!) But instead people smile and say hello. Which is a lot more than white people say to Blacks living in majority white neighborhoods.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, the two kids stood out because they were "the only brown skinned" ones there (their words, I believe OP said). If they had been two white kids at an all AA party, the same thing would have happened. Apologizing twice is just making it worse. It's like saying, "Just wanted to make sure you know I have nothing against blacks."

I don't think the OP meant in her post that she felt terrible that she did something racist. I think she felt terrible that she could be perceived as having done something racist. Big difference.

I strongly doubt that. I'm white, live in amostly black community and my kids go to mostly black schools. They stand out, we stand out. But we are not the recipients of the kind of subtle and not so subtle discrimination that occurs on a regular basis to kids who have dark skin. It's just not the same, and I am well aware of that.

We're talking about standing out at a private party. No kids would crash going to someone else's school....

Sure. My point was, even though we are a minority everywhere we go, we do NOT get the subliminal "NOT WELCOME" vibe from blacks / AA people around us. Not even a little bit.

In this country, and I am not defending it, just saying it like it is, being the only WHITE person in a group of blacks is a very different thing from being the only BLACK person in a group of whites.

It is just a completely different experience, and I do not take for granted that my treatment as a "minority" among a bunch of black people is the same as a black person's treatment among a bunch of white people.

For one thing, if I attended a work or school party that was full of black people, and my two little white kids went up and took some ice cream, I highly doubt some Asian woman would tell them, "Hey, hands off -- this is a private party!" HIGHLY doubt it.

I posted what you quoted (but not the "snickering behind your back" post). I guess we disagree, because I do not doubt at all that two kids of a different race than the rest of the party, who were trying to get ice cream, would stand out in a "kids trying to get free ice cream" kind of way. How about if you were at a family reunion of all AA's, in an outside setting, and two white kids tried to get ice cream? You don't think someone would say, "Sorry, this is a family reunion"??? I can easily imagine that.

And I have to say, as a white, blond, blue-eyed woman, I have been treated like crap many, many times by black racists in dc (yes, there are racists in all races). The idea that whites are never treated like a minority even when they are in the minority is not my experience. I have a friend who looks black (she's not but has dark skin and dreads) and when we were spending time together, she said, "wow, I've never experienced the kind of treatment you get." Hmm, wonder why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yes, the two kids stood out because they were "the only brown skinned" ones there (their words, I believe OP said). If they had been two white kids at an all AA party, the same thing would have happened. Apologizing twice is just making it worse. It's like saying, "Just wanted to make sure you know I have nothing against blacks."

I don't think the OP meant in her post that she felt terrible that she did something racist. I think she felt terrible that she could be perceived as having done something racist. Big difference.

I strongly doubt that. I'm white, live in amostly black community and my kids go to mostly black schools. They stand out, we stand out. But we are not the recipients of the kind of subtle and not so subtle discrimination that occurs on a regular basis to kids who have dark skin. It's just not the same, and I am well aware of that.

We're talking about standing out at a private party. No kids would crash going to someone else's school....

Sure. My point was, even though we are a minority everywhere we go, we do NOT get the subliminal "NOT WELCOME" vibe from blacks / AA people around us. Not even a little bit.

In this country, and I am not defending it, just saying it like it is, being the only WHITE person in a group of blacks is a very different thing from being the only BLACK person in a group of whites.

It is just a completely different experience, and I do not take for granted that my treatment as a "minority" among a bunch of black people is the same as a black person's treatment among a bunch of white people.

For one thing, if I attended a work or school party that was full of black people, and my two little white kids went up and took some ice cream, I highly doubt some Asian woman would tell them, "Hey, hands off -- this is a private party!" HIGHLY doubt it.

Of course you don't notice a difference. Your smug, white self wouldn't be big enough to actually pay attention to what's going on around you.

The black people in your neighborhood ARE NOT in awe of your whiteness nor are they impressed by it or think that it makes you "ok". They are likely snickering behind your back and blatantly making comments you are just too caught up in your own smugness to get it.

You're just mean spirited. Please read all of the thread and understand that this is the kind of stuff that we want to avoid. Black, White or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I posted what you quoted (but not the "snickering behind your back" post). I guess we disagree, because I do not doubt at all that two kids of a different race than the rest of the party, who were trying to get ice cream, would stand out in a "kids trying to get free ice cream" kind of way. How about if you were at a family reunion of all AA's, in an outside setting, and two white kids tried to get ice cream? You don't think someone would say, "Sorry, this is a family reunion"??? I can easily imagine that.

And I have to say, as a white, blond, blue-eyed woman, I have been treated like crap many, many times by black racists in dc (yes, there are racists in all races). The idea that whites are never treated like a minority even when they are in the minority is not my experience. I have a friend who looks black (she's not but has dark skin and dreads) and when we were spending time together, she said, "wow, I've never experienced the kind of treatment you get." Hmm, wonder why.

Not the poster you were responding to, pp, but I did want to comment on your post. I understand your concern but I wanted to point out a difference highlighted by the example you're using. You mention a family reunion. Well, certainly, if a Black family had a couple of white cousins in it, everyone would know who they are so it wouldn't be likely that they would expect that two white strangers might be family members.

But the other thing that is important about your example is that there aren't many examples where a social event for a business or organization is likely to be all Black with a only couple of white kids of a white colleague attending. In most cases, the locus of power in our society is in white-dominated organizations. So for Black people in our society, they do have to manage the perceptions of being an outsider so much more often than white people in work situations.

I'm really sorry you've been treated like crap so many times because you are white. That has not been my experience at all. May I ask in what kinds of situations you've been treated like crap? Were they at work or school? Were you treated that way by someone who had power over you? Or was it someone who was performing a public service? Or a stranger on the street?

[Anonymous]

" In most cases, the locus of power in our society is in white-dominated organizations. So for Black people in our society, they do have to manage the perceptions of being an outsider so much more often than white people in work situations.

Exclusion and ignorance is not limited to black americans . . . as a woman, I have been treated shamefully by men (and women who hate other women) for that matter more than I care to remember . . . there are many times I could infer sexism. If you (the collective you) go looking for it everywhere -such as at this picnic- you will find it.

[Anonymous]

PP here . . before being called out by the grammar police the first sentence should be "are not limited". . .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I posted what you quoted (but not the "snickering behind your back" post). I guess we disagree, because I do not doubt at all that two kids of a different race than the rest of the party, who were trying to get ice cream, would stand out in a "kids trying to get free ice cream" kind of way. How about if you were at a family reunion of all AA's, in an outside setting, and two white kids tried to get ice cream? You don't think someone would say, "Sorry, this is a family reunion"??? I can easily imagine that.

And I have to say, as a white, blond, blue-eyed woman, I have been treated like crap many, many times by black racists in dc (yes, there are racists in all races). The idea that whites are never treated like a minority even when they are in the minority is not my experience. I have a friend who looks black (she's not but has dark skin and dreads) and when we were spending time together, she said, "wow, I've never experienced the kind of treatment you get." Hmm, wonder why.

Not the poster you were responding to, pp, but I did want to comment on your post. I understand your concern but I wanted to point out a difference highlighted by the example you're using. You mention a family reunion. Well, certainly, if a Black family had a couple of white cousins in it, everyone would know who they are so it wouldn't be likely that they would expect that two white strangers might be family members.

But the other thing that is important about your example is that there aren't many examples where a social event for a business or organization is likely to be all Black with a only couple of white kids of a white colleague attending. In most cases, the locus of power in our society is in white-dominated organizations. So for Black people in our society, they do have to manage the perceptions of being an outsider so much more often than white people in work situations.

I'm really sorry you've been treated like crap so many times because you are white. That has not been my experience at all. May I ask in what kinds of situations you've been treated like crap? Were they at work or school? Were you treated that way by someone who had power over you? Or was it someone who was performing a public service? Or a stranger on the street?

I'm in no way saying anything otherwise. (I used to be a bike messenger and I found it shocking that most of the people in the offices were white but in every huge office building I went to, the mail room staff was entirely black. Surreal.)

Examples: could not get my car through inspection even though nothing failed -- repeatedly. Had to have a black male friend take the very same car to the very same inspection station and voila, it passed. (I was even told once to get it washed at a car wash and then take it back through again.)

Treated as if I don't exist when trying to get documents from a government agency even though I am standing directly opposite the counter from the person I need them from. (My black-looking friend was helped immediately.)

Not acknowledged by bus drivers when asking a route question.

Etc. While I don't think this is unique to AA, obviously, it may be unique to dc since dc is majority AA. I believe we are all the same under the skin, and this kind of attitude is human, not racial. I think there is a small percentage of racists in every race. Most people in 2009 are not racists. Some day we'll move beyond race and have to come up with other ways to feel separate from each other.

[Anonymous]

This post is getting away from the OPs original question-I really believe that OP should leave it alone and not say anything to anyone. Why bring it up again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I'm sure that we don't get treated 100% the same way as Black people in our neighborhood but I know we don't get treated the way individual Blacks do in white neighborhoods.

And one major reason is because the Black people who live here actually have lives and don't spend all their time worrying about individual white people in the neighborhood. Which was news to me when I moved in because I had been brainwashed into believing that a white person would be immediately mugged if they came into this neighborhood. (Guess what, white people. Young, working-class Black men are not spending all their time trying to figure out how to rip white people off!) But instead people smile and say hello. Which is a lot more than white people say to Blacks living in majority white neighborhoods.

This says a lot about you (or hopefully the former you) but not a lot about "white people."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm really sorry you've been treated like crap so many times because you are white. That has not been my experience at all. May I ask in what kinds of situations you've been treated like crap? Were they at work or school? Were you treated that way by someone who had power over you? Or was it someone who was performing a public service? Or a stranger on the street?

I'm in no way saying anything otherwise. (I used to be a bike messenger and I found it shocking that most of the people in the offices were white but in every huge office building I went to, the mail room staff was entirely black. Surreal.)

Examples: could not get my car through inspection even though nothing failed -- repeatedly. Had to have a black male friend take the very same car to the very same inspection station and voila, it passed. (I was even told once to get it washed at a car wash and then take it back through again.)

Treated as if I don't exist when trying to get documents from a government agency even though I am standing directly opposite the counter from the person I need them from. (My black-looking friend was helped immediately.)

Not acknowledged by bus drivers when asking a route question.

Etc. While I don't think this is unique to AA, obviously, it may be unique to dc since dc is majority AA. I believe we are all the same under the skin, and this kind of attitude is human, not racial. I think there is a small percentage of racists in every race. Most people in 2009 are not racists. Some day we'll move beyond race and have to come up with other ways to feel separate from each other.
Interesting. Thanks for sharing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I'm sure that we don't get treated 100% the same way as Black people in our neighborhood but I know we don't get treated the way individual Blacks do in white neighborhoods.

And one major reason is because the Black people who live here actually have lives and don't spend all their time worrying about individual white people in the neighborhood. Which was news to me when I moved in because I had been brainwashed into believing that a white person would be immediately mugged if they came into this neighborhood. (Guess what, white people. Young, working-class Black men are not spending all their time trying to figure out how to rip white people off!) But instead people smile and say hello. Which is a lot more than white people say to Blacks living in majority white neighborhoods.

This says a lot about you (or hopefully the former you) but not a lot about "white people."

I wish I could be as certain of that as you are. That has not been my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:May I ask in what kinds of situations you've been treated like crap? Were they at work or school? Were you treated that way by someone who had power over you? Or was it someone who was performing a public service? Or a stranger on the street?

I'm in no way saying anything otherwise. (I used to be a bike messenger and I found it shocking that most of the people in the offices were white but in every huge office building I went to, the mail room staff was entirely black. Surreal.)

Examples: could not get my car through inspection even though nothing failed -- repeatedly. Had to have a black male friend take the very same car to the very same inspection station and voila, it passed. (I was even told once to get it washed at a car wash and then take it back through again.)

Treated as if I don't exist when trying to get documents from a government agency even though I am standing directly opposite the counter from the person I need them from. (My black-looking friend was helped immediately.)

Not acknowledged by bus drivers when asking a route question.

Etc. While I don't think this is unique to AA, obviously, it may be unique to dc since dc is majority AA. I believe we are all the same under the skin, and this kind of attitude is human, not racial. I think there is a small percentage of racists in every race. Most people in 2009 are not racists. Some day we'll move beyond race and have to come up with other ways to feel separate from each other.

Maybe we would be in a different place if whites hadn't discriminated against minorities in the first place. People learn this from other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here-I need some therapy-someone please tell me if what I did was absolutely awful? Should I tell my husband? I am so embarrassed.

what good will come of it if you tell your husband? You made a mistake. So what, what if they were not part of the party? How would you know. I think in the future unless you are the partly police, mind your owe business. I would forget all about this. Things happen. Doesn't mean you are an awful or racist person. You certainly don't need a "test" to tell you if you are racist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here-I need some therapy-someone please tell me if what I did was absolutely awful? Should I tell my husband? I am so embarrassed.

what good will come of it if you tell your husband? You made a mistake. So what, what if they were not part of the party? How would you know. I think in the future unless you are the partly police, mind your owe business. I would forget all about this. Things happen. Doesn't mean you are an awful or racist person. You certainly don't need a "test" to tell you if you are racist.

She should tell her husband because it's HIS co-worker. Did you miss that part? Also, I'm wondering why you would tell OP to forget about this as if she was the person that was offended. It's not about her. It's about the kids that feel like crap because they were singled out for being "brown". And their mother having to find a way to explain why someone would assume they don't belong. OP doesn't work at the law firm. How could she possibly know all the spouses and their children? You would forget about this because you don't have the decency to put yourself in the other mother's shoes. She's the one we should be thinking about here.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can't do anything about the other mom at this point but YOU HAVE TO TELL YOUR HUSBAND. It is his JOB and you need to at least show him respect by letting him decide to how to respond to this, or not, as HE sees fit. You made a mistake and you are just compounding it by not owning up to it. If you did this at a playground or something that would be different (and still hurtful to the kids) but he is a PARTER at this company/firm and this was a work event. You are setting him up to be blindsided by any possible fallout.