Moms with "big" jobs - mentor me

[Anonymous]

NP here. Thanks to the C-suite and other "big job" posters. So great and useful to read your advice.

I asked my manager (very successful executive, three awesome kids, 18, 12, 10), for her advice. She gave me lots, but the top two (meta) bits were these:

1) whenever you're about to do something that feels difficult, ask yourself, how can I make it easier? then follow through and make it happen (i.e. don't just "coast" because that's actually the harder choice in the long term; make the change for the better). In her words, "there are no prizes to making your life harder than it has to be."

and

2) figure out what recharges you, and don't skimp on that (for her it's yoga, for me it's seeing friends and sleep).

[Anonymous]

Hearing these stories about ambitious women is like cat nip to this DH. Keep up the awesome work and dont be distracted by the hostile stay at homes -- there is nothing in this world that you can't do if you put your mind to it.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I just wanted to say how amazing this thread was. Lots of useful information but most importantly just hearing from the women I imagined were out there with kids but didn't know was inspiring and motivating. Definitely working to keep our amazing nanny. While we don't make a ton as academics we live in a low COL area that makes this possible. I also really appreciate the points about authenticity and making time for things that re-energize you. Thank you all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Virtual assistant service. I use fancyhands.com but there are a few out there. I have them make calls for me all the time. Even little stuff like call the hotel I'm staying at to find out about check-in time or little things like that. You may think it's not worth it, but it adds up. Next time you're stuck making a call like that, notice on your phone after how many minutes it actually took. It's usually 10+ minutes including getting through the tree of numbers to presss, etc.

Uhhh... you need amazon echo

Amazon echo makes phone calls for you?

talkLocal.
we basically run 24 hour RPFs anytime we need a locksmith, caterer, lawn something, plumber, etc.

[Anonymous]

plus our kids play hockey so I can talk them to 6am rink time, jog 40 minutes, home by 7am, office by 8:30am. games are fun too.

and i take a day off after a big project (in my case an investment deal closes).

when kids were in Elem School I'd take one of them on a 3-5 day trip with me, use hotel rec for nanny for half day while at work and see London, Rio, Paris with them.

[Anonymous]

Have your husband be the hous frau

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the whole thread, but I assume it includes a lot of talking about how you can't work 60+ hrs per week and be a good mom. To that I say, whatever.

I am a nanny and have worked for many high-flying DC couples who both work 50-80 hrs per week. You are in a better position than some since you can control your schedule.

First, if your nanny isn't AMAZING, you may need to upgrade. Many nannies view their job as childcare only--essentially what a daycare worker would do but with a smaller ratio. the nannies who make life work for families like yours view their role as managing EVERYTHING pertaining to the kids. Amazing nannies take on A lot of the mental work of childrearing so that more of your time at home is actually spent with your kids.

On a typical week, I:
handle all kids' laundry
clean up any messes we make
Handle family grocery shopping
Do a dry-cleaning run
Plan, shop for and cook all kids' food, including leaving prepared meals for over the weekend
Plan and execute activities for each day
Parents walk into freshly bathed kids in their pajamas and a family dinner on the table. They eat as a family and do the bedtime routine.

I also tackle longer-term projects. In the last month I have:
packed all of the children's things for a family vacation
Scheduled the kids for their flu shots
Taken the kids for haircuts
Taken the kids shoe-shopping
Planned and executed a birthday party
Worked with the kid to create thank-you notes for their party guests
Researched classes for this fall for the toddlers
Researched preschools in our area for next fall

Next I will start rotating the kids' clothes as fall approaches and, now that they are back from vacation, I will focus more intensely on potty-training.

Instead of having to plan an entire birthday party, MB talks to the kid about what they want for their party, tells me the gist, I do some research and send her a spreadsheet and, pending approval and the guest list, I make it happen.

Depending on the level of outsourcing you can afford, a lot of people also have a household manager. Often this will be someone with a nanny background who can step in as backup care for the kids in a pinch but whose normal duties would include personal assistant-like tasks such as dry cleaning, pharmacy, or other errands, filling out forms, phone-tree hell calls, etc., but who would also handle things like finding, hiring and supervising someone to clean the gutters or fix that broken gate, supervising a weekly cleaner, walking the dog, etc.

I also find that a lot of parents get stressed trying to be home for bed 7 nights a week. If that is the case, the best solution I have found is to intentionally choose 1-2 night per week to work late and take the pressure off. Friday nights work well for this since you can use the night as a date night or one of you can go to happy hour if the other parent has to work, etc.

PP - you are one of the nannies that really is worth the "high end" nanny salaries that are quoted in the nanny board sometimes. I think too many other nannies think they are entitled to them without doing the things that you do, but you seem worth the type of rate that you must be charging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you've gotten some great advise. Don't worry about those that say you can't live a complete and fulfilling life as a great mother with a great job -- they just haven't been able to figure it out. You have to be super organized. You have to not care too much about what people say about you. You have to always know that your kids needs come first. You have to outsource things that *you* don't think are important for you to do. If you care about planning birthday parties, do it. If you care about meal planning and cooking, do it even if you can afford other options. If you care about running carpool, figure out how to rework your schedule to do this even if you can hire a chauffeur. The PP who said to talk with your kids about your work is absolutely spot on. Show you kids what excites you - read science books with/to them. Go into their classroom and talk about how you approach a research problem. I am also a scientist. I went into my 6th grade DD's science class and talking to kids about some physics phenomena. My DD told me afterward that she has never felt more proud that I am her mother (and 12 year old girls are not known for showering praise on Mom). I am not able to make all her field trips. I am not able to volunteer in classrooms all the time. But when I do go in, I don't pretend to be someone I am not. Kids can spot a fake a mile away. I will never be a pinterest queen. I will always be a bit blunt and perhaps not as sympathetic as others about girl drama. But I love my kids so very much and present the best me I can for their sake. That's all you can do and it will work out for you. Your kids are the children of a medical researcher not a SAHM - and I believe they will be the richer for it when you just accept it. Just like the SAHM can't suddenly become someone she cannot be, neither can you.

Love this, being true to yourself is so important. I don't bake bread or hang around the pool with my kids on summer weekdays but I have my own strengths.

OMG - you both sound just like me!!! (Except I have boys.) My kids have always known me as a working mom, and went to a daycare so their "norm" was two working parents. Now that they are older, they can do so much of the house chores that eat up time, but value my just sitting and talking with them when I am truly available to them. And let me tell you - career day was such a blast for me, and for DS. (I'm an environmental engineer.) It was so awesome seeing his pride on his face while I explained what I do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - you've gotten some great advise. Don't worry about those that say you can't live a complete and fulfilling life as a great mother with a great job -- they just haven't been able to figure it out. You have to be super organized. You have to not care too much about what people say about you. You have to always know that your kids needs come first. You have to outsource things that *you* don't think are important for you to do. If you care about planning birthday parties, do it. If you care about meal planning and cooking, do it even if you can afford other options. If you care about running carpool, figure out how to rework your schedule to do this even if you can hire a chauffeur. The PP who said to talk with your kids about your work is absolutely spot on. Show you kids what excites you - read science books with/to them. Go into their classroom and talk about how you approach a research problem. I am also a scientist. I went into my 6th grade DD's science class and talking to kids about some physics phenomena. My DD told me afterward that she has never felt more proud that I am her mother (and 12 year old girls are not known for showering praise on Mom). I am not able to make all her field trips. I am not able to volunteer in classrooms all the time. But when I do go in, I don't pretend to be someone I am not. Kids can spot a fake a mile away. I will never be a pinterest queen. I will always be a bit blunt and perhaps not as sympathetic as others about girl drama. But I love my kids so very much and present the best me I can for their sake. That's all you can do and it will work out for you. Your kids are the children of a medical researcher not a SAHM - and I believe they will be the richer for it when you just accept it. Just like the SAHM can't suddenly become someone she cannot be, neither can you.

Love this, being true to yourself is so important. I don't bake bread or hang around the pool with my kids on summer weekdays but I have my own strengths.

OMG - you both sound just like me!!! (Except I have boys.) My kids have always known me as a working mom, and went to a daycare so their "norm" was two working parents. Now that they are older, they can do so much of the house chores that eat up time, but value my just sitting and talking with them when I am truly available to them. And let me tell you - career day was such a blast for me, and for DS. (I'm an environmental engineer.) It was so awesome seeing his pride on his face while I explained what I do.

Oddly enough this makes me more confident about being the bread-baking mom. My life and kid ended up turning out a bit differently than expected but in either case the key is embrace who you are and your family will thrive.

[Anonymous]

I've really enjoyed this thread even though I stayed at home by choice (yrs of infertility influenced me on that) and now am part-time due to circumstances/kid issues. Bravo to those here giving support to those in the C-suite! Some of us are living vicariously reading these posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to spend less time with your kids. I say this as an SAHM. No irony intended. The world needs you more. People don't want to hear that anyone can raise children. The upper classes have known this for centuries. This world is better served by you doing medical research than by making your kids' lunches. Believe me.

+100% Everyone should achieve their best and highest purpose. Some people (women included) have incredible minds and talents and are meant to do meaningful great things, which may make the world a better place. Never feel guilty, ever. Your kids will understand and love and admire you for it.
- Big job mom of 4 who has an awesome mom who also had a big job

[Anonymous]

Is your DH busy with his job? Or with other activities?

I think it is hard for a couple to have two "big" jobs at the same time. That's not to say it can't happen (I know it happens for sure, and no, people's families aren't falling apart the way people here have claimed) but just that it's hard. Personally I think the answer here is for your DH to step up his game at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the whole thread, but I assume it includes a lot of talking about how you can't work 60+ hrs per week and be a good mom. To that I say, whatever.

I am a nanny and have worked for many high-flying DC couples who both work 50-80 hrs per week. You are in a better position than some since you can control your schedule.

First, if your nanny isn't AMAZING, you may need to upgrade. Many nannies view their job as childcare only--essentially what a daycare worker would do but with a smaller ratio. the nannies who make life work for families like yours view their role as managing EVERYTHING pertaining to the kids. Amazing nannies take on A lot of the mental work of childrearing so that more of your time at home is actually spent with your kids.

On a typical week, I:
handle all kids' laundry
clean up any messes we make
Handle family grocery shopping
Do a dry-cleaning run
Plan, shop for and cook all kids' food, including leaving prepared meals for over the weekend
Plan and execute activities for each day
Parents walk into freshly bathed kids in their pajamas and a family dinner on the table. They eat as a family and do the bedtime routine.

I also tackle longer-term projects. In the last month I have:
packed all of the children's things for a family vacation
Scheduled the kids for their flu shots
Taken the kids for haircuts
Taken the kids shoe-shopping
Planned and executed a birthday party
Worked with the kid to create thank-you notes for their party guests
Researched classes for this fall for the toddlers
Researched preschools in our area for next fall

Next I will start rotating the kids' clothes as fall approaches and, now that they are back from vacation, I will focus more intensely on potty-training.

Instead of having to plan an entire birthday party, MB talks to the kid about what they want for their party, tells me the gist, I do some research and send her a spreadsheet and, pending approval and the guest list, I make it happen.

Depending on the level of outsourcing you can afford, a lot of people also have a household manager. Often this will be someone with a nanny background who can step in as backup care for the kids in a pinch but whose normal duties would include personal assistant-like tasks such as dry cleaning, pharmacy, or other errands, filling out forms, phone-tree hell calls, etc., but who would also handle things like finding, hiring and supervising someone to clean the gutters or fix that broken gate, supervising a weekly cleaner, walking the dog, etc.

I also find that a lot of parents get stressed trying to be home for bed 7 nights a week. If that is the case, the best solution I have found is to intentionally choose 1-2 night per week to work late and take the pressure off. Friday nights work well for this since you can use the night as a date night or one of you can go to happy hour if the other parent has to work, etc.

PP - you are one of the nannies that really is worth the "high end" nanny salaries that are quoted in the nanny board sometimes. I think too many other nannies think they are entitled to them without doing the things that you do, but you seem worth the type of rate that you must be charging.

Thanks, but I actually only charge my current family $22 per hour (plus OT obvs). I prefer to work for parents who are loving, engaged and present but also very busy. I could charge the $30 rates some nannies claim they make in the nanny forums but my experience is that over $25 per hour you are working with exponentially more assholes and I just don't think there's enough money to deal with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to spend less time with your kids. I say this as an SAHM. No irony intended. The world needs you more. People don't want to hear that anyone can raise children. The upper classes have known this for centuries. This world is better served by you doing medical research than by making your kids' lunches. Believe me.

I disagree. The world needs well adjusted kids, and that means that BOTH partners should sacrifice to ensure their kids are living a happy life with enough "parent time."

I will NEVER sacrifice my kids for any job.

My children are people who deserve respect, too.

Thanks for playing along. You win the sanctimommy prize.

I work, too, but I don't define myself by my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to spend less time with your kids. I say this as an SAHM. No irony intended. The world needs you more. People don't want to hear that anyone can raise children. The upper classes have known this for centuries. This world is better served by you doing medical research than by making your kids' lunches. Believe me.

I disagree. The world needs well adjusted kids, and that means that BOTH partners should sacrifice to ensure their kids are living a happy life with enough "parent time."

I will NEVER sacrifice my kids for any job.

My children are people who deserve respect, too.

Thanks for playing along. You win the sanctimommy prize.

I work, too, but I don't define myself by my job.

Conversely, not everyone defines themselves by their children either.