Moms with "big" jobs - mentor me

[Anonymous]

OP: the only thing I can add to what others have said is this: work on not giving a f**k about what other people think. Seriously. If it works for you, who cares what they think?

I have a crazy high-powered job, I have a great spouse, and my kids are thriving. I care deeply about my spouse, my kids and work. I do not care about having granite countertops or whatever the fancy thing is right now. I do not care if the towels in the bath are getting raggedy, or if the silverware does not match. I do not care if the kids' room should really be repainted. I do not care if the SAHM's hate me for not volunteering endless hours at my kids' school. . I do not care about whether I have a fancy handbag or fancy shoes. I do not care about driving a cool car and will drive my 2011 minivan until it drops dead

Some day, when the kids are in college or I have retired, maybe I will care about some of those things. For now: nope.

Not wasting a single unnecessary second on all that leaves me time to care about what actually matters to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: the only thing I can add to what others have said is this: work on not giving a f**k about what other people think. Seriously. If it works for you, who cares what they think?

I have a crazy high-powered job, I have a great spouse, and my kids are thriving. I care deeply about my spouse, my kids and work. I do not care about having granite countertops or whatever the fancy thing is right now. I do not care if the towels in the bath are getting raggedy, or if the silverware does not match. I do not care if the kids' room should really be repainted. I do not care if the SAHM's hate me for not volunteering endless hours at my kids' school. . I do not care about whether I have a fancy handbag or fancy shoes. I do not care about driving a cool car and will drive my 2011 minivan until it drops dead

Some day, when the kids are in college or I have retired, maybe I will care about some of those things. For now: nope.

Not wasting a single unnecessary second on all that leaves me time to care about what actually matters to me!

I think this is right. There are really only a few people whose opinions matter: your spouse's, your children's, and then your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to spend less time with your kids. I say this as an SAHM. No irony intended. The world needs you more. People don't want to hear that anyone can raise children. The upper classes have known this for centuries. This world is better served by you doing medical research than by making your kids' lunches. Believe me.

I disagree. The world needs well adjusted kids, and that means that BOTH partners should sacrifice to ensure their kids are living a happy life with enough "parent time."

I will NEVER sacrifice my kids for any job.

My children are people who deserve respect, too.

Thanks for playing along. You win the sanctimommy prize.

I work, too, but I don't define myself by my job.

+1. These are the people who struggle in retirement.

[Anonymous]

I am a C-Suite mom of 4. I think the SuperNannybpister's job description advice is very helpful-- that is the type of nanny we had when kids were younger and having someone cook dinner each night and run errands was huge. I also think the posters who said to focus on the things that are meaningful to you and share those with the kids was great. My small additions---
1) spreadsheet everything-- I have kept a running menu of every dinner we have eaten for years. Makes meal planning for the month easy since I can look back and see that we haven't had chicken piccata in six weeks-- time to put it on the list. I also have a "vacation" spreadsheet of menus and packing list that I use as a starting document each year. Spreadsheets make it easy to share info with the nanny. Every week I would cut and paste the menu, together with the week's errands, into an email.
2) every child has something that makes them feel "nurtured"-- figure out that special thing and do it for just that child. One of mine wanted me to make her lunch sandwiches. (The others were not big sandwich eaters-- or made their own.). So I made her sandwiches. Another wanted an annual afternoon zoo outing solo with Mom.
3). Teach your kids to be independent and organized and praise them to the heavens for it. This year we instituted "each teen cooks a dinner night" on vacation. I never stressed that their clothes didn't match the best-- or that they had to look perfect-- I cared that they dressed themselves and could keep track of their homework.
4). Eat together as a family as many nights as you possibly can-- even if it means dinner is on "Spain" hours. That dinner will keep you connected more than anything else. And it is also why having a nanny who cooks is important.

Good luck-- your research sounds exciting!



Good luck-- and your research sounds exciting!

[Anonymous]

Nothing practical to add here but some anecdotes and moral support.

I have a family friend who is an executive of a Europe-based multinational company and a mom of three! She was recognized by industry peers as one of the first women to crack the glass ceiling while also being a racial minority.
Before being promoted to the C-suite she was serving as the U.S./Congressional-liason for her company and was stationed in DC. However, she needed to work from Germany when she got promoted several years ago. During those times, for her day-to-day work, she had to basically fly back and forth Germany and the U.S. every week to make time for the kids. She, her husband, and all three kids had a perfectly healthy relationship and were able to spend quality time most of the weekend.

However, the price was to have her husband take a huge step backwards for his career, entirely sacrifice her "me" time in terms of rest and sleep, and missing out on some special occasions once in a while. She took half a year off several years ago when her DH was diagnosed with leukemia, but she's now back at it and the whole fam has now moved back to Germany.

I agree, in part, with some skeptical posters that you can't have the perfect combination of career, spouse career, and family all in one package. However, you can still have that feeling if you adjust your expectations accordingly.

[Anonymous]

I'm an academic, divorced w/ full custody & deal with an illness, mobility issues, and have a long commute.

I have cut down conference travel - huge energy zapper. I'm older so I know people and have built up good will. I'm sure my employer would prefer I give speeches every week, but it is literally impossible.

I publish. I only commute 2 X per week and work at home the other days. I have a babysitter stay late on those days because I have 2.5 after work to get home. I read my kindle app on an iphone or do social media during the commute itself. Answer emails, listen to music, etc. I try to make that time enjoyable and not force work because it makes the commute more of a "treat" that way. (lol) I use a private service and take taxis so that I do not get tired. This costs $$$$$ but it makes what I do feasible.

The other 3 days I have to get everything done in 10 hours. I take my child to school at 8, write/research until 6. I feel bad I am the only one who regularly comes at 6 for pickup, but my schedule is punishing. I can write for about 4 hours, I go through my list for calls, scheduling dr visits, etc. during a lunch break, then read the rest of the day.

Other tools: Google Calendar, my to-do list, Amazon Prime, and a grocery delivery service are essential for my life. We eat very simply, but plan to use our time Sunday evening to prepare healthy things for the week. We eat smoothies, hummus, precut vegetables, microwave frozen vegetables and salmon. My child is a vegetarian so it is very easy to pre-prepare food for dinners and snacks.

I rarely can do a "second shift" after bedtime because I am wiped out.

I don't work much on weekends. I schedule "outings" on Saturday - early am class for child plus museum or day trip or nature outing. Sunday is church and I teach Sunday School. (I have more energy in the morning and it's a way to contribute to that community).

I am the classroom room mother, so I attend all the mid-day events if it is not a teaching day. I volunteer for the PTA, etc. I read a lot of parenting books and research activities, plans, trips well ahead of time.

I have two books coming out this year. I'm in the middle of two huge personal crises. I waste a lot of time on the internet. I have a serious illness.

Yet things get done. I don't watch ANY tv and do not see many movies anymore.

I volunteer and donate to a number of "resistance" organizations.

I like Laura Vanderkam's book - 168 Hours and her other books. I do think it works if I "chunk" time. Every day is not balanced, but I make sure there is time for certain things through the week and over a few months.

I set goals for reading with child, on Friday we have a move/dinner out night, and on Saturday a game night. And the Saturday/Sunday schedule we've kept since toddlerhood so it's like a tradition.

Yet some Sunday afternoons, he's watching videos while I gear up for the week and rest.

You just keep "lifehacking" and you will find a manageable way to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a C-Suite mom of 4. I think the SuperNannybpister's job description advice is very helpful-- that is the type of nanny we had when kids were younger and having someone cook dinner each night and run errands was huge. I also think the posters who said to focus on the things that are meaningful to you and share those with the kids was great. My small additions---
1) spreadsheet everything-- I have kept a running menu of every dinner we have eaten for years. Makes meal planning for the month easy since I can look back and see that we haven't had chicken piccata in six weeks-- time to put it on the list. I also have a "vacation" spreadsheet of menus and packing list that I use as a starting document each year. Spreadsheets make it easy to share info with the nanny. Every week I would cut and paste the menu, together with the week's errands, into an email.
2) every child has something that makes them feel "nurtured"-- figure out that special thing and do it for just that child. One of mine wanted me to make her lunch sandwiches. (The others were not big sandwich eaters-- or made their own.). So I made her sandwiches. Another wanted an annual afternoon zoo outing solo with Mom.
3). Teach your kids to be independent and organized and praise them to the heavens for it. This year we instituted "each teen cooks a dinner night" on vacation. I never stressed that their clothes didn't match the best-- or that they had to look perfect-- I cared that they dressed themselves and could keep track of their homework.
4). Eat together as a family as many nights as you possibly can-- even if it means dinner is on "Spain" hours. That dinner will keep you connected more than anything else. And it is also why having a nanny who cooks is important.

Good luck-- your research sounds exciting!



Good luck-- and your research sounds exciting!

I think this is great advice but the problem with the modern economy is that the non big-jobs but still professional jobs are expected to put in say 85-95% of the time as the c-suite and often are not making 85-95% of that salary to help offset the outsourcing needed- that's the crux of the rat race and is only getting worse, sigh.

[Anonymous]

First world problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the whole thread, but I assume it includes a lot of talking about how you can't work 60+ hrs per week and be a good mom. To that I say, whatever.

I am a nanny and have worked for many high-flying DC couples who both work 50-80 hrs per week. You are in a better position than some since you can control your schedule.

First, if your nanny isn't AMAZING, you may need to upgrade. Many nannies view their job as childcare only--essentially what a daycare worker would do but with a smaller ratio. the nannies who make life work for families like yours view their role as managing EVERYTHING pertaining to the kids. Amazing nannies take on A lot of the mental work of childrearing so that more of your time at home is actually spent with your kids.

On a typical week, I:
handle all kids' laundry
clean up any messes we make
Handle family grocery shopping
Do a dry-cleaning run
Plan, shop for and cook all kids' food, including leaving prepared meals for over the weekend
Plan and execute activities for each day
Parents walk into freshly bathed kids in their pajamas and a family dinner on the table. They eat as a family and do the bedtime routine.

I also tackle longer-term projects. In the last month I have:
packed all of the children's things for a family vacation
Scheduled the kids for their flu shots
Taken the kids for haircuts
Taken the kids shoe-shopping
Planned and executed a birthday party
Worked with the kid to create thank-you notes for their party guests
Researched classes for this fall for the toddlers
Researched preschools in our area for next fall

Next I will start rotating the kids' clothes as fall approaches and, now that they are back from vacation, I will focus more intensely on potty-training.

Instead of having to plan an entire birthday party, MB talks to the kid about what they want for their party, tells me the gist, I do some research and send her a spreadsheet and, pending approval and the guest list, I make it happen.

Depending on the level of outsourcing you can afford, a lot of people also have a household manager. Often this will be someone with a nanny background who can step in as backup care for the kids in a pinch but whose normal duties would include personal assistant-like tasks such as dry cleaning, pharmacy, or other errands, filling out forms, phone-tree hell calls, etc., but who would also handle things like finding, hiring and supervising someone to clean the gutters or fix that broken gate, supervising a weekly cleaner, walking the dog, etc.

I also find that a lot of parents get stressed trying to be home for bed 7 nights a week. If that is the case, the best solution I have found is to intentionally choose 1-2 night per week to work late and take the pressure off. Friday nights work well for this since you can use the night as a date night or one of you can go to happy hour if the other parent has to work, etc.

PP - you are one of the nannies that really is worth the "high end" nanny salaries that are quoted in the nanny board sometimes. I think too many other nannies think they are entitled to them without doing the things that you do, but you seem worth the type of rate that you must be charging.

How much does a nanny like this typically make? We live outside the DC area and have this but part of the reason I am afraid to go back is I can't quite imagine enjoying my life in the same way without her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm an academic, divorced w/ full custody & deal with an illness, mobility issues, and have a long commute.

I have cut down conference travel - huge energy zapper. I'm older so I know people and have built up good will. I'm sure my employer would prefer I give speeches every week, but it is literally impossible.

I publish. I only commute 2 X per week and work at home the other days. I have a babysitter stay late on those days because I have 2.5 after work to get home. I read my kindle app on an iphone or do social media during the commute itself. Answer emails, listen to music, etc. I try to make that time enjoyable and not force work because it makes the commute more of a "treat" that way. (lol) I use a private service and take taxis so that I do not get tired. This costs $$$$$ but it makes what I do feasible.

The other 3 days I have to get everything done in 10 hours. I take my child to school at 8, write/research until 6. I feel bad I am the only one who regularly comes at 6 for pickup, but my schedule is punishing. I can write for about 4 hours, I go through my list for calls, scheduling dr visits, etc. during a lunch break, then read the rest of the day.

Other tools: Google Calendar, my to-do list, Amazon Prime, and a grocery delivery service are essential for my life. We eat very simply, but plan to use our time Sunday evening to prepare healthy things for the week. We eat smoothies, hummus, precut vegetables, microwave frozen vegetables and salmon. My child is a vegetarian so it is very easy to pre-prepare food for dinners and snacks.

I rarely can do a "second shift" after bedtime because I am wiped out.

I don't work much on weekends. I schedule "outings" on Saturday - early am class for child plus museum or day trip or nature outing. Sunday is church and I teach Sunday School. (I have more energy in the morning and it's a way to contribute to that community).

I am the classroom room mother, so I attend all the mid-day events if it is not a teaching day. I volunteer for the PTA, etc. I read a lot of parenting books and research activities, plans, trips well ahead of time.

I have two books coming out this year. I'm in the middle of two huge personal crises. I waste a lot of time on the internet. I have a serious illness.

Yet things get done. I don't watch ANY tv and do not see many movies anymore.

I volunteer and donate to a number of "resistance" organizations.

I like Laura Vanderkam's book - 168 Hours and her other books. I do think it works if I "chunk" time. Every day is not balanced, but I make sure there is time for certain things through the week and over a few months.

I set goals for reading with child, on Friday we have a move/dinner out night, and on Saturday a game night. And the Saturday/Sunday schedule we've kept since toddlerhood so it's like a tradition.

Yet some Sunday afternoons, he's watching videos while I gear up for the week and rest.

You just keep "lifehacking" and you will find a manageable way to do it.

You sound amazing. I am so sorry about your personal crises. May your health issues resolve and you feel strong and healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a C-Suite mom of 4. I think the SuperNannybpister's job description advice is very helpful-- that is the type of nanny we had when kids were younger and having someone cook dinner each night and run errands was huge. I also think the posters who said to focus on the things that are meaningful to you and share those with the kids was great. My small additions---
1) spreadsheet everything-- I have kept a running menu of every dinner we have eaten for years. Makes meal planning for the month easy since I can look back and see that we haven't had chicken piccata in six weeks-- time to put it on the list. I also have a "vacation" spreadsheet of menus and packing list that I use as a starting document each year. Spreadsheets make it easy to share info with the nanny. Every week I would cut and paste the menu, together with the week's errands, into an email.
2) every child has something that makes them feel "nurtured"-- figure out that special thing and do it for just that child. One of mine wanted me to make her lunch sandwiches. (The others were not big sandwich eaters-- or made their own.). So I made her sandwiches. Another wanted an annual afternoon zoo outing solo with Mom.
3). Teach your kids to be independent and organized and praise them to the heavens for it. This year we instituted "each teen cooks a dinner night" on vacation. I never stressed that their clothes didn't match the best-- or that they had to look perfect-- I cared that they dressed themselves and could keep track of their homework.
4). Eat together as a family as many nights as you possibly can-- even if it means dinner is on "Spain" hours. That dinner will keep you connected more than anything else. And it is also why having a nanny who cooks is important.

Good luck-- your research sounds exciting!



Good luck-- and your research sounds exciting!

I think this is great advice but the problem with the modern economy is that the non big-jobs but still professional jobs are expected to put in say 85-95% of the time as the c-suite and often are not making 85-95% of that salary to help offset the outsourcing needed- that's the crux of the rat race and is only getting worse, sigh.

Is that true? I feel like it is for me...

[Anonymous]

Just found this thread, but wanted to chime in.

My life isn't in ground-breaking research, but it otherwise mirrors OP and many of the other "c-suite" posters here.

It can be, and is, done successfully all the time OP. You do you. That includes critical cutting-edge research, and brownies and date night and girlfriend weekends and book group and management and work travel and whatever else your life looks like.

You've gotten fantastic advice about outsourcing anything you can afford, that doesn't nurture you or your family in important ways, and that can be better done w/ others.

If/when you have time for new friendships I hope our paths cross OP. And my c-suite gig touches on cutting edge medical research so I hope I hear about your work in that arena as well.

Go get'em!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

Seriously, so sorry you have no career ambitions. This is 100% false. Many women have successful influential careers and happy healthy children and marriages.

Not quite +1. Totally ok not to have career ambitions, but don't knock those who do. And this "choices"
paradigm is never presented to men btw. They can and manage to have it all.
I'm in a similar place to op with work ramping up. The way I manage is a very lovely nanny who is like 3rd grandma. And then the actual grandmas and grandpas. each set comes over once a week or more and stays with dd after nanny leaves. I use those two days to stay later at work and dd gets grandparent time. Funny my mom did that too and I had an amazing relationship with my grandmother who took care of me after school most of my life.

THIS! I think having help from grandparents is HUGE! I would not be able to survive without my mom's help with our DS and SD.