Moms with "big" jobs - mentor me

[Anonymous]

OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

wtf! of course she can have a happy family and career success. Your perspective is decades old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth do you want that life?

you'd never ask a man that ...

Of course I would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth do you want that life?

OP here. I could ask the same of people with many lives, but I don't. They just aren't for me. I am a medical researcher and right now I think what I am doing is pretty amazing science that will one day improve the lives of many others in important ways. But I am not a martyr, and doing this for that reason. I really love what I do and I love figuring things out. I love amazing my colleagues when we have breakthrough results. We are at a point in my research where we may do some things you hear about yourselves in the next 5-10 years on the news and I feel the need to push my research program to that level. Because I can.

But as long as my goal isn't evil, it shouldn't matter here. This thread isn't about what I do, it's about how really successful women with families can make some choices that are good for getting as much as they want done, and could really generalize to a variety of people in that situation. I'm not so naive I think I can "have everything" but the reality is that I am incredibly talented and ambitious and I have kids that I do see and care for and of course will continue to. I'm not sorry, I'm just going to do the job right (and just not complain about how stressed I am to the other PP, most of the parents of my children's friends have no idea what I do, nevermind that I am super-successful at it) the best I can.

Thanks for this thread otherwise which has been awesome! My nanny turned into a household manager in her last job and it's great advice to think about that for my house too, and many other tips as well. Please keep them coming!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth do you want that life?

OP here. I could ask the same of people with many lives, but I don't. They just aren't for me. I am a medical researcher and right now I think what I am doing is pretty amazing science that will one day improve the lives of many others in important ways. But I am not a martyr, and doing this for that reason. I really love what I do and I love figuring things out. I love amazing my colleagues when we have breakthrough results. We are at a point in my research where we may do some things you hear about yourselves in the next 5-10 years on the news and I feel the need to push my research program to that level. Because I can.

But as long as my goal isn't evil, it shouldn't matter here. This thread isn't about what I do, it's about how really successful women with families can make some choices that are good for getting as much as they want done, and could really generalize to a variety of people in that situation. I'm not so naive I think I can "have everything" but the reality is that I am incredibly talented and ambitious and I have kids that I do see and care for and of course will continue to. I'm not sorry, I'm just going to do the job right (and just not complain about how stressed I am to the other PP, most of the parents of my children's friends have no idea what I do, nevermind that I am super-successful at it) the best I can.

Thanks for this thread otherwise which has been awesome! My nanny turned into a household manager in her last job and it's great advice to think about that for my house too, and many other tips as well. Please keep them coming!

Sorry,my wording was unclear above. I am not a martyr. I am not doing my research and pushing it hard out of some need to help others and sacrifice myself, although the idea that it could help others makes the work perhaps seem worthwhile. I am doing it because I love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

Seriously, so sorry you have no career ambitions. This is 100% false. Many women have successful influential careers and happy healthy children and marriages.

[Anonymous]

New poster here. I am 25 years into my marriage. Kids are grown , etc. I've observed all sorts of marriages, kids, work arrangements over the decades. I kind of have to agree with the poster who says something will fall through the cracks. From my observations, the cracks usually show up 15-20 years into the scenario that OP is describing. Poor health, mediocre marriage, teens who are struggling, whatever. I wish it wasn't that way, but you basically can't outsource your home life and get away with it for decades. For one decade, yes. For 15 years, maybe. Longer than that and the "center will not hold."

-

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

Seriously, so sorry you have no career ambitions. This is 100% false. Many women have successful influential careers and happy healthy children and marriages.

Not quite +1. Totally ok not to have career ambitions, but don't knock those who do. And this "choices"
paradigm is never presented to men btw. They can and manage to have it all.
I'm in a similar place to op with work ramping up. The way I manage is a very lovely nanny who is like 3rd grandma. And then the actual grandmas and grandpas. each set comes over once a week or more and stays with dd after nanny leaves. I use those two days to stay later at work and dd gets grandparent time. Funny my mom did that too and I had an amazing relationship with my grandmother who took care of me after school most of my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I am 25 years into my marriage. Kids are grown , etc. I've observed all sorts of marriages, kids, work arrangements over the decades. I kind of have to agree with the poster who says something will fall through the cracks. From my observations, the cracks usually show up 15-20 years into the scenario that OP is describing. Poor health, mediocre marriage, teens who are struggling, whatever. I wish it wasn't that way, but you basically can't outsource your home life and get away with it for decades. For one decade, yes. For 15 years, maybe. Longer than that and the "center will not hold."

-

Sure. But no one is saying it has to be that way forever. You can try something and see how it goes for 2,3,5 years. Life is a marathon, on hills, through jungle, Desert, etc. You make a decision, plan, socialize those decisions, work the plan, adjust based on what's going on, make a new plan,
Carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I am 25 years into my marriage. Kids are grown , etc. I've observed all sorts of marriages, kids, work arrangements over the decades. I kind of have to agree with the poster who says something will fall through the cracks. From my observations, the cracks usually show up 15-20 years into the scenario that OP is describing. Poor health, mediocre marriage, teens who are struggling, whatever. I wish it wasn't that way, but you basically can't outsource your home life and get away with it for decades. For one decade, yes. For 15 years, maybe. Longer than that and the "center will not hold."

-

you're right. OP should abandon all the medical research she's doing and stay home. Great idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

wtf! of course she can have a happy family and career success. Your perspective is decades old.

Can you name 10 successful women who work 60+ hours, happily married to their first husband and raised happy and healthy children. I will be happy to see modern approach.

[Anonymous]

Au pair and nanny. You need both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:New poster here. I am 25 years into my marriage. Kids are grown , etc. I've observed all sorts of marriages, kids, work arrangements over the decades. I kind of have to agree with the poster who says something will fall through the cracks. From my observations, the cracks usually show up 15-20 years into the scenario that OP is describing. Poor health, mediocre marriage, teens who are struggling, whatever. I wish it wasn't that way, but you basically can't outsource your home life and get away with it for decades. For one decade, yes. For 15 years, maybe. Longer than that and the "center will not hold."

-

you're right. OP should abandon all the medical research she's doing and stay home. Great idea.

No, this is not what she is saying. OP should stick with her research is this is what important for her. But at the same time, it will help her to make an intelligent decision instead of the chasing an non existing unicorn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

Seriously, so sorry you have no career ambitions. This is 100% false. Many women have successful influential careers and happy healthy children and marriages.

I do have career ambitions, I have 3 degrees. But I also have realistic approaches and life long experience. How many of those women do you know personally (I mean, you know all the details of their personal lives, not just what appeared to be a healthy marriages. How many children medical records have you seen from those families?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Au pair and nanny. You need both.

+1 Second nanny; Import Grandma?