Moms with "big" jobs - mentor me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

wtf! of course she can have a happy family and career success. Your perspective is decades old.

She's actually dead on correct. I'm in my late 30's and agree completely with her assessment.

Are you a brilliant medical researcher who loves her job and is poised for success? If not, not really relevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth do you want that life?

OP here. I could ask the same of people with many lives, but I don't. They just aren't for me. I am a medical researcher and right now I think what I am doing is pretty amazing science that will one day improve the lives of many others in important ways. But I am not a martyr, and doing this for that reason. I really love what I do and I love figuring things out. I love amazing my colleagues when we have breakthrough results. We are at a point in my research where we may do some things you hear about yourselves in the next 5-10 years on the news and I feel the need to push my research program to that level. Because I can.

But as long as my goal isn't evil, it shouldn't matter here. This thread isn't about what I do, it's about how really successful women with families can make some choices that are good for getting as much as they want done, and could really generalize to a variety of people in that situation. I'm not so naive I think I can "have everything" but the reality is that I am incredibly talented and ambitious and I have kids that I do see and care for and of course will continue to. I'm not sorry, I'm just going to do the job right (and just not complain about how stressed I am to the other PP, most of the parents of my children's friends have no idea what I do, nevermind that I am super-successful at it) the best I can.

Thanks for this thread otherwise which has been awesome! My nanny turned into a household manager in her last job and it's great advice to think about that for my house too, and many other tips as well. Please keep them coming!

Why on earth do you need to work so many hours? That's what foreign postdocs are for.

I kid (slightly), but I've never worked for a PI who worked crazy hours. They run their labs the way you are talking about running your life -- by assigning almost everything to other people. That includes grant writing, managing grad students, etc. My last PI as a postdoc (at any Ivy League school) was incredibly successful, but we rarely saw her. She certainly wasn't in the lab with me at 3 am.

OP here. Did you read my post or are you just trying to undercut my credibility?

I'm not in the lab at 3 am. Although my students and postdocs are, as you point out. I'm in my office 9-5 when I am not traveling, which is a lot of the time, maybe 5 days a month. And while yes, my students do tons of the everyday management, my postdocs more, there are a lot of things I must do. I chart the direction of the lab, build coalitions for center grants - I am working on two of those now, finish writing a lot of grants and edit everything that comes out of the lab. No PI doesn't read their own papers. And I spend a lot of time working with funding agencies on their priorities. This week I am at a meeting to discuss these things and the results of my funding. Don't think the federal government spends millions of your tax dollars without paying attention to what happens to it.

And the PIs you are thinking about (I am also a professor at a similar school) are more senior than me. (Note the age of my kids, and I am not a man who can have kids at 50). I am still making my name. Yes, people 10 years ahead of me can work fewer hours but I am still creating the reputation and lab environment you took for granted. To build that I need to work hard right now. And yes, I delegate more and more at work, but the question here that I cannot ask my colleagues is how I balance home, particular as my kids are no longer infants and I play less of a direct physical role.

[Anonymous]

Cut back on work and be a mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth do you want that life?

It's amazing that someone would actually choose this right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth do you want that life?

you'd never ask a man that ...

Yes, because most people realize that there are innate biological differences between men and women. And those innate differences would cause most women to hate having a lifestyle like that while their children are growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cut back on work and be a mom.

I think it is very sad that working moms have to deal with comments like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Virtual assistant service. I use fancyhands.com but there are a few out there. I have them make calls for me all the time. Even little stuff like call the hotel I'm staying at to find out about check-in time or little things like that. You may think it's not worth it, but it adds up. Next time you're stuck making a call like that, notice on your phone after how many minutes it actually took. It's usually 10+ minutes including getting through the tree of numbers to presss, etc.

Uhhh... you need amazon echo

Amazon echo makes phone calls for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

wtf! of course she can have a happy family and career success. Your perspective is decades old.

Um no, pretty much every mom goes through this struggle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

Seriously, so sorry you have no career ambitions. This is 100% false. Many women have successful influential careers and happy healthy children and marriages.

Not quite +1. Totally ok not to have career ambitions, but don't knock those who do. And this "choices"
paradigm is never presented to men btw. They can and manage to have it all.
I'm in a similar place to op with work ramping up. The way I manage is a very lovely nanny who is like 3rd grandma. And then the actual grandmas and grandpas. each set comes over once a week or more and stays with dd after nanny leaves. I use those two days to stay later at work and dd gets grandparent time. Funny my mom did that too and I had an amazing relationship with my grandmother who took care of me after school most of my life.

Most men aren't as invested/involved/interested in what's going on in their kid's lives. Yes some are of course, so need to post how your husband is. But in general human males just aren't as into the things that involve their kids, just like the males of all other species.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

Seriously, so sorry you have no career ambitions. This is 100% false. Many women have successful influential careers and happy healthy children and marriages.

Not quite +1. Totally ok not to have career ambitions, but don't knock those who do. And this "choices"
paradigm is never presented to men btw. They can and manage to have it all.
I'm in a similar place to op with work ramping up. The way I manage is a very lovely nanny who is like 3rd grandma. And then the actual grandmas and grandpas. each set comes over once a week or more and stays with dd after nanny leaves. I use those two days to stay later at work and dd gets grandparent time. Funny my mom did that too and I had an amazing relationship with my grandmother who took care of me after school most of my life.

Most men aren't as invested/involved/interested in what's going on in their kid's lives. Yes some are of course, so need to post how your husband is. But in general human males just aren't as into the things that involve their kids, just like the males of all other species.

so NO need

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to accept hiring help is the cost of the job. We have a full time nanny (50 hours per week) even though our DCs are now 7 and 10. We tried going with a part time nanny when they were in school full time but it was a disaster. Finding the right nanny is key to making everything work. We also have a cleaning service every other week and regularly use peapod. Fortunately, my DH loves to cook so that isn't an issue. Our nanny does everyone's laundry, car pooling, dinner several times a week and straightens the house every day.

The bonus of a sr. position is that if I need time off to handle school events, dr. appt, etc I usually have enough control of my schedule to take the time off. Between DH and I we always attend important events.

Kids are happy and healthy and we have a strong marriage.

This is pretty much it. It's very possible to juggle this type of life if you hire out someone to do all the parenting work for you. Some women don't mind this, but for the mothers who actually want to be more hands on (which I suspect is most) A "big job" just does not allow for it. You have to decide what type of mother you want to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

wtf! of course she can have a happy family and career success. Your perspective is decades old.

She's actually dead on correct. I'm in my late 30's and agree completely with her assessment.

New poster in my 50s who knows lots of moms with high-profile jobs who have health, happy kids with whom they have great relationships. I also know SAHM's who are messed up (rehab anyone?) and have unhappy kids. And vice versa. Agree that pp wants to justify her own choices and is experiencing confirmation bias.

I'd also like to add that the common factor for happiness in either situation is a involved, supportive Father.

Finally, kids don't develop ADHD because their mother works. You blew your credibility right there.

I'm also in my 50s with 3 kids and agree with this last poster. I know a lot of messed up people, some are SAHMs, some not. I fully support OP in making this work.

And, I've got 2 kids with ADHD - which is totally not caused by me working in a high profile, demanding job. They get it from their father with ADHD. Been married 25 years.

[Anonymous]

I wish I knew you in RL, OP! Your job sounds amazing and it's great that you're working to make it work! We participate in ADHD research at NIH (longitudinal study) and while we likely won't benefit from the research, I'm glad others will benefit from it. I'm sure the work that you're doing is really important. Thank you for your service!

[Anonymous]

OP, sounds like you're kicking ass and taking names. I applaud you. The only suggestions I can add to the good advice you've received is in regard to your work assistant. I'm in law, so different field, but the best assistants I've seen are the ones who are on point with regard to (1) handling the phone and (2) travel. Make sure your assistant knows how to put anyone through to your cell phone and how to coordinate calls among multiple parties even when you're out of the office. I know you said you have no commute, but if you're in the car even 10-20 min for a doc appt or something, that's time you can be taking care of calls (work or personal). For travel, your assistant should be able to make your arrangements, know your preferences, confirm everything in advance, handle cancelled/rescheduled flights smoothly, and take care of your receipts upon return.

In my personal opinion and from what I have seen, kids often need their parents more as they get older and have more complicated problems. My loose goal/desire is to work hard now (kids are early elem through babyhood) to give me the flexibility to scale back somewhat as I get older. Ideally I could be home, working from home or not, around 4-5pm every evening once my kids are all school-bus age. Currently I'm home by 6:15-6:30 and youngest child goes to bed by 7:00, which I'm hoping I can work on over the next 5-10 yrs.

GL OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth do you want that life?

It's amazing that someone would actually choose this right?

Chose to be a cutting edge medical researcher?