Moms with "big" jobs - mentor me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

Seriously, so sorry you have no career ambitions. This is 100% false. Many women have successful influential careers and happy healthy children and marriages.

I do have career ambitions, I have 3 degrees. But I also have realistic approaches and life long experience. How many of those women do you know personally (I mean, you know all the details of their personal lives, not just what appeared to be a healthy marriages. How many children medical records have you seen from those families?)

What is your point about the medical records? I can't tell if you're actually suggesting working moms cause kids to have medical problems or that it would take a lot of time to care for a kid with medical conditions if that happens later (?)

[Anonymous]

OP you sound awesome, can you mentor me? hahaha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you sound awesome, can you mentor me? hahaha

Haha I agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

wtf! of course she can have a happy family and career success. Your perspective is decades old.

Can you name 10 successful women who work 60+ hours, happily married to their first husband and raised happy and healthy children. I will be happy to see modern approach.

Plenty in my field (law): Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and several mentors and friends of mine. I personally don't have the makeup for it, but it's absolutely possible. Also OP said 50-60. Not 60+. Also I can't say these women's lives are perfect ... but neither is mine and I work a strict 40 hr week, and I know plenty messed up SAHM.

Someone with the drive and focus OP has needs a big job. That's just their nature.

[Anonymous]

these ladies posting about how you can't have a career and successful relationships are either trolls or most likely the victims of confirmation bias. Guess what...lots of SAHM adult kids hate them or marriages fall apart, but these posters are only noticing the working moms.

[Anonymous]

You need to accept hiring help is the cost of the job. We have a full time nanny (50 hours per week) even though our DCs are now 7 and 10. We tried going with a part time nanny when they were in school full time but it was a disaster. Finding the right nanny is key to making everything work. We also have a cleaning service every other week and regularly use peapod. Fortunately, my DH loves to cook so that isn't an issue. Our nanny does everyone's laundry, car pooling, dinner several times a week and straightens the house every day.

The bonus of a sr. position is that if I need time off to handle school events, dr. appt, etc I usually have enough control of my schedule to take the time off. Between DH and I we always attend important events.

Kids are happy and healthy and we have a strong marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever you do, please don't bitch and complain constantly about how "stressed" you are when this is your own choosing.

THIS, THIS, THIS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth do you want that life?

+1
Yes, I think I'll just pay others to live my life for me.

[Anonymous]

You're out of the house 9-5? You should consider yourself lucky. My life sounds very similar to yours except my kids are a little older and I'm in the office by 8 and lucky if I'm home by 7, spend half a day in the office about every other week and often work from home after the kids are in bed. I'm not sure how I manage. I order everything, including groceries, online. Have an afterschool nanny who handles homework, dinner, bathtime so by the time I get home, I can just chill with the kids, DH picks up a lot of slack and I've started making peace that a lot of things simply fall between the cracks (ex. I never volunteer at school any more) and that I have to be okay with this. While I often feel guilty that my kids are missing out by my not being home as much as I'd like, because I work so hard, we do get to take a couple of nice vacations together every year. I've also heard them comment about how important it is to work hard, so I hope I'm at least setting a good example for them in some ways.

BTW, I work as hard as I do primarily to pay for private school, save for college and make sure my kids are well provided for. If I were independently wealthy or if DH made twice what he makes, I would definitely cut back. That being said, I love what I do and find my job very fulfilling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth do you want that life?

OP here. I could ask the same of people with many lives, but I don't. They just aren't for me. I am a medical researcher and right now I think what I am doing is pretty amazing science that will one day improve the lives of many others in important ways. But I am not a martyr, and doing this for that reason. I really love what I do and I love figuring things out. I love amazing my colleagues when we have breakthrough results. We are at a point in my research where we may do some things you hear about yourselves in the next 5-10 years on the news and I feel the need to push my research program to that level. Because I can.

But as long as my goal isn't evil, it shouldn't matter here. This thread isn't about what I do, it's about how really successful women with families can make some choices that are good for getting as much as they want done, and could really generalize to a variety of people in that situation. I'm not so naive I think I can "have everything" but the reality is that I am incredibly talented and ambitious and I have kids that I do see and care for and of course will continue to. I'm not sorry, I'm just going to do the job right (and just not complain about how stressed I am to the other PP, most of the parents of my children's friends have no idea what I do, nevermind that I am super-successful at it) the best I can.

Thanks for this thread otherwise which has been awesome! My nanny turned into a household manager in her last job and it's great advice to think about that for my house too, and many other tips as well. Please keep them coming!

OP, I just want to say you are awesome and an inspiration. I'm also a Ph.D. in a research field, but I've largely stepped away from doing research myself. As of recently, I work for a healthcare research funding institution, so I'm on the other side of the research enterprise. However, I do miss the excitement and I also loved doing it myself. Good luck to you, and I'm sure you'll work it out. I think your kids have a great role model.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

wtf! of course she can have a happy family and career success. Your perspective is decades old.

She's actually dead on correct. I'm in my late 30's and agree completely with her assessment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth do you want that life?

OP here. I could ask the same of people with many lives, but I don't. They just aren't for me. I am a medical researcher and right now I think what I am doing is pretty amazing science that will one day improve the lives of many others in important ways. But I am not a martyr, and doing this for that reason. I really love what I do and I love figuring things out. I love amazing my colleagues when we have breakthrough results. We are at a point in my research where we may do some things you hear about yourselves in the next 5-10 years on the news and I feel the need to push my research program to that level. Because I can.

But as long as my goal isn't evil, it shouldn't matter here. This thread isn't about what I do, it's about how really successful women with families can make some choices that are good for getting as much as they want done, and could really generalize to a variety of people in that situation. I'm not so naive I think I can "have everything" but the reality is that I am incredibly talented and ambitious and I have kids that I do see and care for and of course will continue to. I'm not sorry, I'm just going to do the job right (and just not complain about how stressed I am to the other PP, most of the parents of my children's friends have no idea what I do, nevermind that I am super-successful at it) the best I can.

Thanks for this thread otherwise which has been awesome! My nanny turned into a household manager in her last job and it's great advice to think about that for my house too, and many other tips as well. Please keep them coming!

Why on earth do you need to work so many hours? That's what foreign postdocs are for.

I kid (slightly), but I've never worked for a PI who worked crazy hours. They run their labs the way you are talking about running your life -- by assigning almost everything to other people. That includes grant writing, managing grad students, etc. My last PI as a postdoc (at any Ivy League school) was incredibly successful, but we rarely saw her. She certainly wasn't in the lab with me at 3 am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:these ladies posting about how you can't have a career and successful relationships are either trolls or most likely the victims of confirmation bias. Guess what...lots of SAHM adult kids hate them or marriages fall apart, but these posters are only noticing the working moms.

Sure, tell yourself whatever you need to in order to believe you can actually work 50-60 hrs. and have a close relationship with your children and spouse AND keep your sanity. Really, what's the point of outsourcing your entire life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:these ladies posting about how you can't have a career and successful relationships are either trolls or most likely the victims of confirmation bias. Guess what...lots of SAHM adult kids hate them or marriages fall apart, but these posters are only noticing the working moms.

Sure, tell yourself whatever you need to in order to believe you can actually work 50-60 hrs. and have a close relationship with your children and spouse AND keep your sanity. Really, what's the point of outsourcing your entire life?

You're outsourcing other things like grocery shopping, cleaning and yard work to spend time with the spouse and kids. Duh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

wtf! of course she can have a happy family and career success. Your perspective is decades old.

She's actually dead on correct. I'm in my late 30's and agree completely with her assessment.

New poster in my 50s who knows lots of moms with high-profile jobs who have health, happy kids with whom they have great relationships. I also know SAHM's who are messed up (rehab anyone?) and have unhappy kids. And vice versa. Agree that pp wants to justify her own choices and is experiencing confirmation bias.

I'd also like to add that the common factor for happiness in either situation is a involved, supportive Father.

Finally, kids don't develop ADHD because their mother works. You blew your credibility right there.