How do I talk about this with the kids?

[Anonymous]

What is DH doing with this other women while the children are playing?

Why would you trust anything he tells you?

[Anonymous]

Instead of asking how to talk to your children about their father and how his actions will affect them maybe you should be asking how YOUR actions (or lack thereof) will affect them. They are growing up with a completely spineless mother who lacks any self-respect or common sense.

[Anonymous]

I think OP is doing best thing, it's perfectly fine for half-siblings to know one another. Kids don't really care about the specific details about how they are related to one another. They just accept what you tell them. It's also kind of silly to cry over spilt milk, done is done. OP is correct to just keep on with her relationship with dh. yeah sure feminsts will get their panties in a twist. And they will die bitter old spinsters after c long career of making life hell for all men. If your man is worth half his salt he will have a few love children out there. If he is a spineless loser he won't (indeed the child at home he thinks is his probably isn't even his). That's the way the world works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of asking how to talk to your children about their father and how his actions will affect them maybe you should be asking how YOUR actions (or lack thereof) will affect them. They are growing up with a completely spineless mother who lacks any self-respect or common sense.

I think being concerned about the kids takes a lot more f*cking sense than many parents have. The thread subject is "how do I talk to the kids" not how to satisfy my rage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is doing best thing, it's perfectly fine for half-siblings to know one another. Kids don't really care about the specific details about how they are related to one another. They just accept what you tell them. It's also kind of silly to cry over spilt milk, done is done. OP is correct to just keep on with her relationship with dh. yeah sure feminsts will get their panties in a twist. And they will die bitter old spinsters after c long career of making life hell for all men. If your man is worth half his salt he will have a few love children out there. If he is a spineless loser he won't (indeed the child at home he thinks is his probably isn't even his). That's the way the world works.

This is OP. Neither you nor the PP really understand the way the world works. Life is full of very flawed people and imperfect choices. Feminists have nothing to do with this. We are trying to do the best we can for everyone involved under very trying circumstances.

[Anonymous]

NP here, while my STBXH didn't have a child with his longtime AP, I recognize a lot of my own reactions in trying to "keep my marriage together". I stayed for five more years before I realized that he is a narcissist and won't change. You need INDIVIDUAL therapy in addition to whatever counseling you're doing together. I wish I'd found my therapist a lot sooner. BTW, my STBXH's father had a second family - he never shared the details about how many kids, etc. but clearly it didn't turn out very well for him.

I would do some reading narcissists or manipulative personalities. Also read about cognitive dissonance - I had it big time. Here are some links:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVBixwXDjLM
http://www.thriveafterabuse.com/the-red-flags-of-a-narcissist-series-in-order/
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLcjFWuvIFFzJr5eXvb4rG_F-68lw4TK4T
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MP9M3YdiRvw

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm primarily interested in the input from those who have been there as children.

Oh honey - there are very, very few people who grew up meeting weekly with a biological sibling that they had to keep secret from their mother. It's more like afterschool special material, not real life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am skeptical this post is real because I can't imagine a man in this position thinking it is "important" for the children to know each other. Who would think that? I am a woman and I found out I had half siblings (my father had been previously married) when I was a teenager. My parents had planned never to tell us kids about the other family because, I think, he was ashamed of the failed marriage. One of the half sisters reached out to me recently and wants to have a relationship. I wish her well but have no more interest in her than anyone else I know and in no way think of her as a "sister." Sharing the same sperm donor doesn't mean there has to be some meaningful connection.

This was kind of my thought as well although I could see him using it as cover for visiting the child by saying he's taking DS to a play date.

Also agree with your thoughts re: half siblings most likely not caring about having a connection with the other half sibling.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if OP is a troll or not but man, a lot of people have jumped all over her. I have no idea what I'd do in that situation but it does seem like OP is trying to be pragmatic and not make a bunch of rash decisions.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you from a different culture or a very patriarchal religious culture? Because the questions you're asking are odd ones.

As you say, what's done is done, and you need to deal with it, but not once have you seemed angry at your husband for concealing this affair/child and taking your son to meet her over and over. Then you say he told your son it wasn't a secret, which suggests that he thinks this whole situation is no big deal, and, frankly, it sounds like your goal is to feel like that, too.

This reaction only makes sense in the context of a culture where women have little to no say in the direction of family life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if OP is a troll or not but man, a lot of people have jumped all over her. I have no idea what I'd do in that situation but it does seem like OP is trying to be pragmatic and not make a bunch of rash decisions.

I thought this as well. Also, regardless of what choices we would make, OP has made what she feels is the best choice and I think it's a bit much that people are second guessing her choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you from a different culture or a very patriarchal religious culture? Because the questions you're asking are odd ones.

As you say, what's done is done, and you need to deal with it, but not once have you seemed angry at your husband for concealing this affair/child and taking your son to meet her over and over. Then you say he told your son it wasn't a secret, which suggests that he thinks this whole situation is no big deal, and, frankly, it sounds like your goal is to feel like that, too.

This reaction only makes sense in the context of a culture where women have little to no say in the direction of family life.

I'm not from a patriarchal culture, no. I am a full partner in my family, and if anything, I am more of a boss than DH is. I make my decisions independently.

I'm of course very angry at DH for what he did, and especially for involving my son, but that was not the focus of this discussion so didn't see much point in it. It's perfectly normal and natural to have anger, and I do, but anger should not make decisions for you. These are important matters, where little kids and the trajectory of their lives is concerned; anger has no place in deciding how the rest of the story goes. DH and I are dealing with the anger separately as adults. Kids have nothing to do with this.

[Anonymous]

The affair child is 4 years old and OP'S DH, presumably, has been giving financial support for this child, so how could OP not have known than an appreciable amount of money was missing every month?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you, but I admire you for trying to keep your family together and not blaming any of the children involved. I don't know how much my perspective will help, but here goes.

My dad did this, with the difference being that he and my mom were long divorced when it happened. I know that's a big difference. He had two daughters with a woman he was dating. He never told me, and he refused to play the role of the father with them. I found out when I was about 30. To me, the worst part of the entire situation is that he abandoned those girls and they grew up knowing who their father was and that he didn't want them. Second worst part was that I have two half-sisters who I don't know and who probably resent the everloving hell out of me. (I'm otherwise an only child.) So, from the perspective of the child and NOT the perspective of the betrayed wife, I think it is a good thing to get the kids together and to have the relationship recognized. The cheating is at the adult level. The sibling relationship is at the child level.

When I was around 12 or 13, I asked my dad about my half-sisters, not knowing they were my half-sisters, wanting to know who their father was. He told me to ask their mother, which I never did.[b] Point being that it took me several years of knowing them to ask the question, and I was pretty old by then[b]. I would prepare a straightforward answer in case you get asked ("Larla doesn't live with us because she lives with her mom, but it's nice that we still get to see each other") and otherwise consider waiting a few years. Maybe my DD is naive but she is 5, only a year younger than your son, and she still has a very fluid understanding of family. We have six grandparents (we refer to stepparents as grandma and grandpa) and a series of close friends who we call aunties and uncles. She wants everyone to live with us all the time, including our adult friends, our nanny, grandma, a neighbor, etc. Based on my experience with her, I think it would be too young to try to explain anything more than, she's your sister too but lives in a different house. We're starting to have a few divorced friends with kids, so it's not that wild a scenario.

I won't speak to whether the messages condones the cheating as some of the other posters have, but again from my perspective in the child generation, the biggest moral failing in a situation like this is abandoning or otherwise punishing innocent children. Cheating on an adult partner is a moral failing as well, but it wouldn't necessarily spell the end of everyone's marriage, including my own if it happened to me.

Therapy seems like a good idea, as PPs have suggested. I never did therapy because I'm someone who bottles up emotions and came to my own conclusion that I was Just. Not. Dealing. With. Dad's. Shit., but therapy may be healthier.

Final thought - discuss estate planning with your DH and then with a lawyer. This can throw a big monkey wrench into things. It sounds like your DH is recognizing the other daughter, but my dad is not and that may leave his will open to challenge after he passes.

The two bolded sentences seen to contradict each other. You say that you have two half sisters that you don't know then you say that, at age 12 or 13, you had akready known them (&, apparently, their mother) for several years already.

I knew them back when they were babies/toddlers, when my dad was still dating the woman. They broke it off when I was around 13 or 14, and I never saw them again, until one of them contacted me on FB when I was about 30. Like I said, my parents were divorced, which makes my situation significantly different than OPs, and dad had a series of relationships that didn't go long-term, including the one that resulted in the two children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you from a different culture or a very patriarchal religious culture? Because the questions you're asking are odd ones.

As you say, what's done is done, and you need to deal with it, but not once have you seemed angry at your husband for concealing this affair/child and taking your son to meet her over and over. Then you say he told your son it wasn't a secret, which suggests that he thinks this whole situation is no big deal, and, frankly, it sounds like your goal is to feel like that, too.

This reaction only makes sense in the context of a culture where women have little to no say in the direction of family life.

I'm not from a patriarchal culture, no. I am a full partner in my family, and if anything, I am more of a boss than DH is. I make my decisions independently.

I'm of course very angry at DH for what he did, and especially for involving my son, but that was not the focus of this discussion so didn't see much point in it. It's perfectly normal and natural to have anger, and I do, but anger should not make decisions for you. These are important matters, where little kids and the trajectory of their lives is concerned; anger has no place in deciding how the rest of the story goes. DH and I are dealing with the anger separately as adults. Kids have nothing to do with this.

OP, first, please recognize that you aren't the boss at all. Your husband did and does what he pleases without consulting you (affair, taking your son to meet sibling, being involved in sibling's life, etc.). I think we're all surprised - not about the affair or even the love child - but that your husband made family choices that could severely impact your children without discussing it with you first (or even mentioning it to you before doing it). Ideally, you and your DH should have discussed the love child, agreed that he'd be part of her life, and agree how to introduce her to your family and what to say - and then have your son meet her.

So, even though you keep asking "what do I tell the kids?" Really, it's no longer up to you. YOU NO LONGER HAVE A SAY IN HOW THIS IS PRESENTED TO YOUR KIDS. because your husband already decided how it's going to happen - without even bothering to mention it to you.

What do you tell the kids? Well, tell them the truth - that daddy decides what the relationship will be between you and [your half sister] and daddy decides how to explain that relationship to you, so go ask daddy.

OP, do you understand now why we can't really help you?