How do I talk about this with the kids?

[Anonymous]

Therapist op. And maybe lawyer. Once you find out about adultery, if you sleep with them again, you are condoning it.

Don't have sex with him until you talk to both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapist op. And maybe lawyer. Once you find out about adultery, if you sleep with them again, you are condoning it.

Don't have sex with him until you talk to both.

I've had extensive legal counsel and based on that input, divorce is not an attractive option. We are in therapy. I would like to keep this discussion kid-focused. I'm primarily interested in the input from those who have been there as children.

[Anonymous]

I call troll. Just no.

It's a process and you're working through it, no way. And your young son kept it a secret he had another sister for years, also no way. And DH felt it so important for his 4 year old at the time son to get to know his love child as his sister, on a weekly basis because he is so organized with his trickery and his family values, no way. And you don't want to divorced bc your kids might have a smaller house, because that is more important than any self respect and dignity and also you have a big high paying job?! OP is all over the place, so much BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, you need to accept this child. I would have husband pay child support and get legal visitation rights. The child will come to your house and meet her half-siblings and stepmother? that way.

Not the OP but, for me, there is no way in Hell that I would ever let his bastard kid in my house! I would also refuse to allow my children to be with this bastard kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am skeptical this post is real because I can't imagine a man in this position thinking it is "important" for the children to know each other. Who would think that? I am a woman and I found out I had half siblings (my father had been previously married) when I was a teenager. My parents had planned never to tell us kids about the other family because, I think, he was ashamed of the failed marriage. One of the half sisters reached out to me recently and wants to have a relationship. I wish her well but have no more interest in her than anyone else I know and in no way think of her as a "sister." Sharing the same sperm donor doesn't mean there has to be some meaningful connection.

With all my sympathy for your position, I think this shows a failure of imagination. Abandoning your children is bad. You could have just as easily been his first family.

[Anonymous]

Just say your father had an affair and thought he was in love with someone else but realized he made a mistake . He had a daughter who he loves dearly.

That is a human story and your husband is doing more than many "fathers" in this country do for their children.

[Anonymous]

I know you want to keep this kid-focused but we stiill need to know more. Is the affair over or do you plan to have an open marriage?

Your kids are going to have more questions that keep coming. This isn't going to be wrapped up with one response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't even know if this is the right forum for this question but I can't think of a better fit.

My DH had a long-term affair that resulted in a daughter. She is four, and our children together are six and two. I found out a few months ago and so far we are not planning to divorce. This has been a wild and emotional ride for me but my question is not about this right now.

He is quite involved in her life and sees her twice a week or so. He has also been getting our son together with the girl regularly because he felt siblings must know each other. I do not prevent him from seeing his daughter, and have allowed my son to continue seeing her on the condition that her mother is never around my children. They see each other at least once a week. My DH is a very involved father with our kids, he is a good dad.

So far he didn't explain/discuss with our son how this girl came to be, he just told him that "this is your sister", and since this has started a few years ago, I think my son has just taken this for granted. However, I believe that eventually he will put two and two together, and I think we should figure out a way to talk about this with our kids that doesn't denigrate either their half-sister or their father. I don't want to just present this as a fait accomplit, I want my children to understand that cheating is wrong but I just feel completely helpless and unequipped to step around this minefield. I don't want my children, and especially my daughter (who is now 2) to learn this is normal or this is how men are allowed to behave. Things are what they are, the kids aren't going away. How do I talk about this?

I would like some advice from those of you who have been in this situation as kids, or someone who had something like this happen in the family. How would you have liked the adults in the family frame this for you? What is the fair way to talk about this that makes clear that cheating is wrong, but does not take it out on the half-sibling or make their father look like a piece of crap?

Having never experienced something like that, I don't have any answers but I have to say that I admire the way you're thinking about it so far.

The closest parallel I have is my parents marriage, which was disintegrating when I was about four. I wish someone had considered my feelings the way you're doing with each of the kids in your situation. The other thing I would have appreciated was at least an attempt at honesty. Feelings of anger and hurt are justified and I felt confused by adults saying one thing about a situation but clearly acting out another - and then acting out was the way I thought I was supposed to respond. And then I'd get angrier about being punished for acting out. Vicious cycle. Am I supposed to hate mom today? What if I think dad is being an assh*le because he's telling me how to feel?

If I could take my parents' place, I'd let my kid/s know that whatever feelings they have about the situation are valid, but only if and after they bring it up. I'd be as honest about my own feelings and confusion as you were in your original post and let them develop their own judgement, and learn to trust their own feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, you need to accept this child. I would have husband pay child support and get legal visitation rights. The child will come to your house and meet her half-siblings and stepmother? that way.

In theory, yes. In practice, this takes years to work toward. We'll see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say your father had an affair and thought he was in love with someone else but realized he made a mistake . He had a daughter who he loves dearly.

That is a human story and your husband is doing more than many "fathers" in this country do for their children.

How old are you, if I may ask?

[Anonymous]

Either OP is a troll or Anna Duggar. Only way it is real is for her to be in heavily patriarchal environment where it would be acceptable for her to not know where her DH and DS are during these frequent brother sister meetings for the past 4 years. Or how DH is a "good father" when he has completely failed in his obligations to his wife and children within his marriage. Why isn't she mentioning money. Has he been paying for this child? How could she not k ow unless this man has total control over her. My advice is get out and seek help from a women's shelter for abuse victims, or... ha ha you got us.

[Anonymous]

The worst part about this situation is that all the kids your own and his love child will suffer from this. I feel so sorry that the children in this horrific case have a selfish and inconsiderate dad. It's not the love child's fault nor is it your children's fault that their father is a complete jerk.

OP, I hate to break this to you, but your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. You have naively signed up to an open marriage. This monster is psychologically and emotionally abusing you. What your husband did was downright evil and disgusting. How many other love children does he have out there? Open your eyes because your husband is still having an affair with this woman. Don't be a fool. Degenerates like your husband have no desire to change their behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything until they ask questions. You cannot blame the mom in this situation. She did not cheat on you, your husband did. He is to blame. You are angry at her, when you should be angry at him. You are right to allow the kids to know each other and I would allow the child in your home as it is not her fault. Place the blame in the right place, your husband.

This. It might be hard to digest but this is all the truth and it's the right way to be.

It's not hard to digest at all. I don't blame the mom but I don't see why she should be around my children, and so she is not allowed to see them.

Obviously the blame lies with the husband. But I already know how to talk to him. What I don't quite know is how to talk about this with the kids, and this is why I'm asking if anyone has dealt with this.

Well no, because most women would have dumped him.
What's wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I would refuse to let DH take the kids around their half-sibling until you had several rounds of counseling.

Agree. Time to wake up. This isn't land of the multiple mistresses and love children where you're stuck in the wife role by title only.

[Anonymous]

A whole few weeks to move on? OP maybe YOU are the mentally unwell one.