I called my 19 year old son and he was clearly drunk... What do I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person who wants her child to wait until he's 25 to have a beer is the same person who will want to pick out her child's first house, his spouse, and to name all the grandchildren. Did you also choose his major and his college? You sound like you have some boundary issues.

Ah, you mean the slippery slope argument? That because I ask him not to be a drunk before 25, I must be controlling and rigid? Laughing again. No, life is not so black and white. There are distinctions and finesses that all- or- nothing slippery slopists cannot fathom.

Parent your child, I'll parent mine. As a parent you can absolutely opt to impose tougher standards then the law does. Just don't be surprised if your 25 year old "child" forgets to visit you, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, that was not my experience in college. We were smart enough (girls and guys) to protect ourselves from STDs. And if you think that only the drunk kids are having sex in college, I got a bridge to sell ya.

Dear pp, no I don't think that. But I do believe the data suppirts that drunken stupors are when most unprotected sex occurs and people don't think "wait, i could be pregnant next week" because it has been proven. Have you not heard of reduced inhibitions? No one is saying all or nothing, it is a likelihood test. If you are drunk, you are more LIKELY TO:
Have unprotected sex
Have sex with a stranger
Have promiscuous sex
Get pregnant
Develop other problems, but those risks are enough.

And this stuff is happening even with this drinking age on the books. My point is, lower the minimum age so that these young adults can buy their own beer and are not reliant on these secret "illegal" parties in order to socialize.

FWIW, I attended plenty of frat/dorm/apt parties as a college student. I am not against them - not at all. They were fun! But I don't know that I would want to be completely reliant on someone else to provide these social opportunities. Sometimes it really is nice to go out with a friend to a club to go dancing. Heck my whole dorm hall used to all walk together to go out and dance at a local club when I was in college. We could buy our own beer, too - which was nice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the "flippant" poster.

So what?

You and the pp saying they would worry if their kid never got drunk are not normal. Sorry! But, the science is in and teens' brains do not mature until age 25. They are doing serious damage to their brain, liver, etc. and you should care. Sure, once isn't going to make someone an alcoholic but, you build up your tolerance for it and then you need more and more to get drunk.

Because you answered the way you did than your opinion is really meaningless and the op should ignore.

Well, when you send young, healthy adults to a university they are going to do what young, healthy adults do. And sometimes they will go to parties to socialize and there will be alcohol there. Not cake and ice cream, but alcohol. These are not HS teenagers being monitored by Mom and Dad anymore.

Infantalizing a 20 year old is more harmful - in my opinion - than allowing that kid to spread his wings, have fun, learn about life a little bit. Making it illegal for a HS grad to have a freakin' beer is ridiculous. Insisting that a person isn't really a grown up until they are 25 is sad to me.

Np here. ^pp must be a kid. Explaining health consequences is not infantilizing, he'll still make his own choices. And brain development ends at age 25, proven, has nothing to do with legal age. I think this ^one fried their brain cells already.

25 year old adults are not mentally children. Just because their brain development hasn't quite ended does not mean that they are not fully grown, functioning adults. Yes, they are still young and relatively inexperienced compared to, say, a 35 year old. But I can say the same thing about a 35 year old vs 55 year old.

We mature as we age. The average 18 year old is old enough to self monitor and make personal choices all by themselves. And the fact is, an 18 year old who wants to binge drink and drive drunk is already doing that. The law is not going to stop them.

Pp here. Brain development is not the same as maturation. How can you equate them? Maturation is at any age. Brain development means it it still physiologically forming/not done growing until age 25. It is the most important organ and is the last to finish developing and finish growing. Maturing is not the point. There is not difference at all in brain development between 35 & 55 because it isnt developing as it rises through those ages. In fact, it is decompensating through the older years, which is why you want to give it it's best shot to optimize and maximize through the younger years.

I really don't know what you want me to say. I will assure you that most of the highly successful (smartest) people that I know did absolutely party hearty at times before they were 25. They also learned how to set limits for themselves and how to drink responsibly....so in the end it all worked out.

I think you are overthinking things. If otherwise law abiding young adults are routinely and willfully breaking a law, it is time to look at that law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The person who wants her child to wait until he's 25 to have a beer is the same person who will want to pick out her child's first house, his spouse, and to name all the grandchildren. Did you also choose his major and his college? You sound like you have some boundary issues.

Not really. But, to answer your questions:

I would prefer that my son not drink much before the age of 25. He knows that. He knows the reasons. The rest is up to him.

Did not choose his college or major, but did help with with the selection process for his school because I am paying $200K+ of my hard-earned money for him to be there, and a 17yo is not sufficiently mature to make a decision of that magnitude on his own.

He is nowhere near buying a house, marrying, or having children, but I will not have any involvement in any of that, unless he asks me to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the "flippant" poster.

So what?

You and the pp saying they would worry if their kid never got drunk are not normal. Sorry! But, the science is in and teens' brains do not mature until age 25. They are doing serious damage to their brain, liver, etc. and you should care. Sure, once isn't going to make someone an alcoholic but, you build up your tolerance for it and then you need more and more to get drunk.

Because you answered the way you did than your opinion is really meaningless and the op should ignore.

Well, when you send young, healthy adults to a university they are going to do what young, healthy adults do. And sometimes they will go to parties to socialize and there will be alcohol there. Not cake and ice cream, but alcohol. These are not HS teenagers being monitored by Mom and Dad anymore.

Infantalizing a 20 year old is more harmful - in my opinion - than allowing that kid to spread his wings, have fun, learn about life a little bit. Making it illegal for a HS grad to have a freakin' beer is ridiculous. Insisting that a person isn't really a grown up until they are 25 is sad to me.

Np here. ^pp must be a kid. Explaining health consequences is not infantilizing, he'll still make his own choices. And brain development ends at age 25, proven, has nothing to do with legal age. I think this ^one fried their brain cells already.

25 year old adults are not mentally children. Just because their brain development hasn't quite ended does not mean that they are not fully grown, functioning adults. Yes, they are still young and relatively inexperienced compared to, say, a 35 year old. But I can say the same thing about a 35 year old vs 55 year old.

We mature as we age. The average 18 year old is old enough to self monitor and make personal choices all by themselves. And the fact is, an 18 year old who wants to binge drink and drive drunk is already doing that. The law is not going to stop them.

Pp here. Brain development is not the same as maturation. How can you equate them? Maturation is at any age. Brain development means it it still physiologically forming/not done growing until age 25. It is the most important organ and is the last to finish developing and finish growing. Maturing is not the point. There is not difference at all in brain development between 35 & 55 because it isnt developing as it rises through those ages. In fact, it is decompensating through the older years, which is why you want to give it it's best shot to optimize and maximize through the younger years.

I really don't know what you want me to say. I will assure you that most of the highly successful (smartest) people that I know did absolutely party hearty at times before they were 25. They also learned how to set limits for themselves and how to drink responsibly....so in the end it all worked out.

I think you are overthinking things. If otherwise law abiding young adults are routinely and willfully breaking a law, it is time to look at that law.

Yes. And I rode everywhere with my parents as a child with no car seat. In fact, my dad used to let us ride sitting up on the back of the seats in his convertible, with our arms in the air, as if we were on a roller coaster. In the end it all worked out.

The plural of anecdote is not data.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person who wants her child to wait until he's 25 to have a beer is the same person who will want to pick out her child's first house, his spouse, and to name all the grandchildren. Did you also choose his major and his college? You sound like you have some boundary issues.

Not really. But, to answer your questions:

I would prefer that my son not drink much before the age of 25. He knows that. He knows the reasons. The rest is up to him.

Did not choose his college or major, but did help with with the selection process for his school because I am paying $200K+ of my hard-earned money for him to be there, and a 17yo is not sufficiently mature to make a decision of that magnitude on his own.

He is nowhere near buying a house, marrying, or having children, but I will not have any involvement in any of that, unless he asks me to.

If he is living independently, away from home, on a college campus at 17 he must be very mature and impervious to peer pressure - that is really good!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the "flippant" poster.

So what?

You and the pp saying they would worry if their kid never got drunk are not normal. Sorry! But, the science is in and teens' brains do not mature until age 25. They are doing serious damage to their brain, liver, etc. and you should care. Sure, once isn't going to make someone an alcoholic but, you build up your tolerance for it and then you need more and more to get drunk.

Because you answered the way you did than your opinion is really meaningless and the op should ignore.

Well, when you send young, healthy adults to a university they are going to do what young, healthy adults do. And sometimes they will go to parties to socialize and there will be alcohol there. Not cake and ice cream, but alcohol. These are not HS teenagers being monitored by Mom and Dad anymore.

Infantalizing a 20 year old is more harmful - in my opinion - than allowing that kid to spread his wings, have fun, learn about life a little bit. Making it illegal for a HS grad to have a freakin' beer is ridiculous. Insisting that a person isn't really a grown up until they are 25 is sad to me.

Np here. ^pp must be a kid. Explaining health consequences is not infantilizing, he'll still make his own choices. And brain development ends at age 25, proven, has nothing to do with legal age. I think this ^one fried their brain cells already.

25 year old adults are not mentally children. Just because their brain development hasn't quite ended does not mean that they are not fully grown, functioning adults. Yes, they are still young and relatively inexperienced compared to, say, a 35 year old. But I can say the same thing about a 35 year old vs 55 year old.

We mature as we age. The average 18 year old is old enough to self monitor and make personal choices all by themselves. And the fact is, an 18 year old who wants to binge drink and drive drunk is already doing that. The law is not going to stop them.

Pp here. Brain development is not the same as maturation. How can you equate them? Maturation is at any age. Brain development means it it still physiologically forming/not done growing until age 25. It is the most important organ and is the last to finish developing and finish growing. Maturing is not the point. There is not difference at all in brain development between 35 & 55 because it isnt developing as it rises through those ages. In fact, it is decompensating through the older years, which is why you want to give it it's best shot to optimize and maximize through the younger years.

I really don't know what you want me to say. I will assure you that most of the highly successful (smartest) people that I know did absolutely party hearty at times before they were 25. They also learned how to set limits for themselves and how to drink responsibly....so in the end it all worked out.

I think you are overthinking things. If otherwise law abiding young adults are routinely and willfully breaking a law, it is time to look at that law.

Yes. And I rode everywhere with my parents as a child with no car seat. In fact, my dad used to let us ride sitting up on the back of the seats in his convertible, with our arms in the air, as if we were on a roller coaster. In the end it all worked out.

The plural of anecdote is not data.

They are not even close to being the same thing. A 3/4/5 year old child is not the same thing as a young adult college student. A parent choosing not to buckle their kid up is completely within the parent's control. A parent who thinks that they can remote control their college kid from the comfort of their home or who thinks that anyone else is going to babysit their kid needs to bring their baby back home.

I don't say that to mean but people really need to understand that college aged young adults are not little kids anymore nor are they around little kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person who wants her child to wait until he's 25 to have a beer is the same person who will want to pick out her child's first house, his spouse, and to name all the grandchildren. Did you also choose his major and his college? You sound like you have some boundary issues.

Ah, you mean the slippery slope argument? That because I ask him not to be a drunk before 25, I must be controlling and rigid? Laughing again. No, life is not so black and white. There are distinctions and finesses that all- or- nothing slippery slopists cannot fathom.

Parent your child, I'll parent mine. As a parent you can absolutely opt to impose tougher standards then the law does. Just don't be surprised if your 25 year old "child" forgets to visit you, lol.

Pp here. I didnt call my child 25 or a 25 year old a child, but biologically they are always your children. Nor am I imposing any laws on my kid. You must be another one of those all or nothings? You can fantasize all you want about your kid loving you and my kid hating me, but that isn't the reality of it. My kid is given lots of freedom, and is doing great, but ... would I advise him not to drink heavily? Esp if there's other reasons? Yes, absolutely. He'd be right to bitch if I didn't give him good counsel. So, yes your kid loves you, life is black and white, and you are the best mom in 100 years. Hope you feel better now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person who wants her child to wait until he's 25 to have a beer is the same person who will want to pick out her child's first house, his spouse, and to name all the grandchildren. Did you also choose his major and his college? You sound like you have some boundary issues.

Ah, you mean the slippery slope argument? That because I ask him not to be a drunk before 25, I must be controlling and rigid? Laughing again. No, life is not so black and white. There are distinctions and finesses that all- or- nothing slippery slopists cannot fathom.

Parent your child, I'll parent mine. As a parent you can absolutely opt to impose tougher standards then the law does. Just don't be surprised if your 25 year old "child" forgets to visit you, lol.

Pp here. I didnt call my child 25 or a 25 year old a child, but biologically they are always your children. Nor am I imposing any laws on my kid. You must be another one of those all or nothings? You can fantasize all you want about your kid loving you and my kid hating me, but that isn't the reality of it. My kid is given lots of freedom, and is doing great, but ... would I advise him not to drink heavily? Esp if there's other reasons? Yes, absolutely. He'd be right to bitch if I didn't give him good counsel. So, yes your kid loves you, life is black and white, and you are the best mom in 100 years. Hope you feel better now.

I think that you and I are not that different actually. I also don't want my own kids to make it a habit to drink heavily on a regular basis. But if they drink 4 beers one night instead of the recommended 2 - eh, so what? If they wind up getting a hangover from drinking more than they should - learn from it. And learn their limits.

My kids like a variety of sports and other pursuits so I doubt that they'll be spending their free time drinking all the time anyway. I'm not that worried.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person who wants her child to wait until he's 25 to have a beer is the same person who will want to pick out her child's first house, his spouse, and to name all the grandchildren. Did you also choose his major and his college? You sound like you have some boundary issues.

Not really. But, to answer your questions:

I would prefer that my son not drink much before the age of 25. He knows that. He knows the reasons. The rest is up to him.

Did not choose his college or major, but did help with with the selection process for his school because I am paying $200K+ of my hard-earned money for him to be there, and a 17yo is not sufficiently mature to make a decision of that magnitude on his own.

He is nowhere near buying a house, marrying, or having children, but I will not have any involvement in any of that, unless he asks me to.

If he is living independently, away from home, on a college campus at 17 he must be very mature and impervious to peer pressure - that is really good!

He is 19 now - 17 when we were looking at colleges.

He is very mature and largely impervious to peer pressure. He loves facts and data. He knows what the science says about drinking while your brain is still developing, and I am pretty sure that for the most part he makes choices in accordance with that knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the "flippant" poster.

So what?

You and the pp saying they would worry if their kid never got drunk are not normal. Sorry! But, the science is in and teens' brains do not mature until age 25. They are doing serious damage to their brain, liver, etc. and you should care. Sure, once isn't going to make someone an alcoholic but, you build up your tolerance for it and then you need more and more to get drunk.

Because you answered the way you did than your opinion is really meaningless and the op should ignore.

Well, when you send young, healthy adults to a university they are going to do what young, healthy adults do. And sometimes they will go to parties to socialize and there will be alcohol there. Not cake and ice cream, but alcohol. These are not HS teenagers being monitored by Mom and Dad anymore.

Infantalizing a 20 year old is more harmful - in my opinion - than allowing that kid to spread his wings, have fun, learn about life a little bit. Making it illegal for a HS grad to have a freakin' beer is ridiculous. Insisting that a person isn't really a grown up until they are 25 is sad to me.

Np here. ^pp must be a kid. Explaining health consequences is not infantilizing, he'll still make his own choices. And brain development ends at age 25, proven, has nothing to do with legal age. I think this ^one fried their brain cells already.

25 year old adults are not mentally children. Just because their brain development hasn't quite ended does not mean that they are not fully grown, functioning adults. Yes, they are still young and relatively inexperienced compared to, say, a 35 year old. But I can say the same thing about a 35 year old vs 55 year old.

We mature as we age. The average 18 year old is old enough to self monitor and make personal choices all by themselves. And the fact is, an 18 year old who wants to binge drink and drive drunk is already doing that. The law is not going to stop them.

Pp here. Brain development is not the same as maturation. How can you equate them? Maturation is at any age. Brain development means it it still physiologically forming/not done growing until age 25. It is the most important organ and is the last to finish developing and finish growing. Maturing is not the point. There is not difference at all in brain development between 35 & 55 because it isnt developing as it rises through those ages. In fact, it is decompensating through the older years, which is why you want to give it it's best shot to optimize and maximize through the younger years.

I really don't know what you want me to say. I will assure you that most of the highly successful (smartest) people that I know did absolutely party hearty at times before they were 25. They also learned how to set limits for themselves and how to drink responsibly....so in the end it all worked out.

I think you are overthinking things. If otherwise law abiding young adults are routinely and willfully breaking a law, it is time to look at that law.

Yes. And I rode everywhere with my parents as a child with no car seat. In fact, my dad used to let us ride sitting up on the back of the seats in his convertible, with our arms in the air, as if we were on a roller coaster. In the end it all worked out.

The plural of anecdote is not data.

They are not even close to being the same thing. A 3/4/5 year old child is not the same thing as a young adult college student. A parent choosing not to buckle their kid up is completely within the parent's control. A parent who thinks that they can remote control their college kid from the comfort of their home or who thinks that anyone else is going to babysit their kid needs to bring their baby back home.

I don't say that to mean but people really need to understand that college aged young adults are not little kids anymore nor are they around little kids.

In terms of safety and best practices, they are absolutely comparable.

It is true that college students will make their own choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The person who wants her child to wait until he's 25 to have a beer is the same person who will want to pick out her child's first house, his spouse, and to name all the grandchildren. Did you also choose his major and his college? You sound like you have some boundary issues.

You clearly don't have any alcoholics in your family. Asking a kid with a genetic predisposition to alcoholism to refrain from drinking until after the brain matures more is reasonable, not controlling. People under 25 become dependent on alcohol faster and more easily than people over 25. People with a genetic predisposition to alcoholism are more likely to become dependent.

We have this issue in my family. I have told my kids that they should not drink before they are 21 and its legal, and I would prefer them not to drink until they are 25. They are not allowed to drink in high school and I will jump on them with both feet if they do. If they drink in college, they are adults and it is their choice, but I have made it very, very clear that drinking while underage is a terrible idea for people in our family. I'd rather they smoke a little weed than drink (and they know that, too.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person who wants her child to wait until he's 25 to have a beer is the same person who will want to pick out her child's first house, his spouse, and to name all the grandchildren. Did you also choose his major and his college? You sound like you have some boundary issues.

Not really. But, to answer your questions:

I would prefer that my son not drink much before the age of 25. He knows that. He knows the reasons. The rest is up to him.

Did not choose his college or major, but did help with with the selection process for his school because I am paying $200K+ of my hard-earned money for him to be there, and a 17yo is not sufficiently mature to make a decision of that magnitude on his own.

He is nowhere near buying a house, marrying, or having children, but I will not have any involvement in any of that, unless he asks me to.

If he is living independently, away from home, on a college campus at 17 he must be very mature and impervious to peer pressure - that is really good!

He is 19 now - 17 when we were looking at colleges.

He is very mature and largely impervious to peer pressure. He loves facts and data. He knows what the science says about drinking while your brain is still developing, and I am pretty sure that for the most part he makes choices in accordance with that knowledge.

So if the drinking age was suddenly lowered to 19 today he could manage to go to a sports bar and watch a game, play some darts with friends without getting totally wasted, right? Your boy sounds like mine .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person who wants her child to wait until he's 25 to have a beer is the same person who will want to pick out her child's first house, his spouse, and to name all the grandchildren. Did you also choose his major and his college? You sound like you have some boundary issues.

Not really. But, to answer your questions:

I would prefer that my son not drink much before the age of 25. He knows that. He knows the reasons. The rest is up to him.

Did not choose his college or major, but did help with with the selection process for his school because I am paying $200K+ of my hard-earned money for him to be there, and a 17yo is not sufficiently mature to make a decision of that magnitude on his own.

He is nowhere near buying a house, marrying, or having children, but I will not have any involvement in any of that, unless he asks me to.

If he is living independently, away from home, on a college campus at 17 he must be very mature and impervious to peer pressure - that is really good!

He is 19 now - 17 when we were looking at colleges.

He is very mature and largely impervious to peer pressure. He loves facts and data. He knows what the science says about drinking while your brain is still developing, and I am pretty sure that for the most part he makes choices in accordance with that knowledge.

So if the drinking age was suddenly lowered to 19 today he could manage to go to a sports bar and watch a game, play some darts with friends without getting totally wasted, right? Your boy sounds like mine .

He could, but probably wouldn't, because of brain development. He would order a club soda.

He has told me that if recreational marijuana were legalized in Maryland or the state where he attends college, he would try it, but only after turning 25, because of brain development issues.

There are alcoholism and addiction issues in my family and like the PP, we have emphasized that the earlier you start drinking or doing drugs, the higher the likelihood of addiction and abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person who wants her child to wait until he's 25 to have a beer is the same person who will want to pick out her child's first house, his spouse, and to name all the grandchildren. Did you also choose his major and his college? You sound like you have some boundary issues.

Not really. But, to answer your questions:

I would prefer that my son not drink much before the age of 25. He knows that. He knows the reasons. The rest is up to him.

Did not choose his college or major, but did help with with the selection process for his school because I am paying $200K+ of my hard-earned money for him to be there, and a 17yo is not sufficiently mature to make a decision of that magnitude on his own.

He is nowhere near buying a house, marrying, or having children, but I will not have any involvement in any of that, unless he asks me to.

If he is living independently, away from home, on a college campus at 17 he must be very mature and impervious to peer pressure - that is really good!

He is 19 now - 17 when we were looking at colleges.

He is very mature and largely impervious to peer pressure. He loves facts and data. He knows what the science says about drinking while your brain is still developing, and I am pretty sure that for the most part he makes choices in accordance with that knowledge.

So if the drinking age was suddenly lowered to 19 today he could manage to go to a sports bar and watch a game, play some darts with friends without getting totally wasted, right? Your boy sounds like mine .

He could, but probably wouldn't, because of brain development. He would order a club soda.

He has told me that if recreational marijuana were legalized in Maryland or the state where he attends college, he would try it, but only after turning 25, because of brain development issues.

There are alcoholism and addiction issues in my family and like the PP, we have emphasized that the earlier you start drinking or doing drugs, the higher the likelihood of addiction and abuse.

I think it's healthy for young adults to know that it's o.k. (and cheaper!) to order a club soda even if their friends are splitting a pitcher of beer. This is part of the reason that I think a lower drinking age would be good. At underground drinking parties there is usually not room for this type of moderation.