I called my 19 year old son and he was clearly drunk... What do I do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So a day ago I called my 19 year old son at college and he was clearly drunk. Slightly slurring speach, disjointed conversation, etc. it was clear he was trying to hide how drunk he was, but it was obvious.

He is currently in college around 3 hours away. I just want to know how you all would approach this. Obviously, he is under 21 and since me and DH don't drink (history of alcoholism in both our families), we hoped he wouldn't turn to alcohol. We cut the call short after realizing how drunk he was (politely) but don't know if we should bring it up or just let it go as part of life.

Bull. Colleges are on winter break. Why isn't he home with you? Oh, wait. I think I know

Uhh, no. Plenty of colleges on the quarter systems, or schools with a JTerm started classes yesterday or today. My kid was back at school on Monday. Classes started today. I'm sure he probably went out on Monday night with the friends he didn't see all winter break...
-NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First get a grip on yourself.

Then . . .

Laugh. Ask how bad the hangover was. Give him your best "home remedy" for hangovers.

FFS

Wow, ( not op) are you always so flippant?. You don't care because he isn't your son. The dangers of alcohol are serious and while I would expect college students to experiment, I would hope they would not get blind drunk.

I wouldn't freak out but, I would be very concerned. If he is three hours away perhaps you can visit him and talk ( again) about the dangers of alcohol ( not only to himself..killing brain cells, damaging liver) but he could get into serious situations...tell him you don't expect him to abstain but you will expect him to not get drunk. Sure, he might hide the drinking but, then I wouldn't be giving him any extra money. If he wants beer money (for beer or pot) he will have to work to buy it himself.

Remind him you expect good grades and if they slip than you will do X ( that's up to you to decide what punishment will fit)

Good luck! We have alcoholism and mental health issues in both sides of our family and I would worry if he was trying to self medicate. (ADHD, bi-polar etc) if I were you.

+1

I didn't party my way through college, and it is my expectation that my kids won't, either.

Some of you people just sound like such puritans.

It's possible to go to class, study, get good grades, AND go out and have a few drinks 2-4x per week during college. I, and all my friends, are living proof of this. And yes, sometimes we all got pretty drunk. Not 4x per week, but it happened.

It's part of the normal social scene for many, many people in college. I am now in my 40s and still drink socially and also still have many of the wonderful friends I met in college. All have gone on to become productive, normal, non-drunk citizens.

GET A GRIP.

Um, okay. Except that it's totally illegal for a 19 year old to drink, but I understand some people don't like to abide by laws. I instilled in my children to live by the law, and the law is that alcohol consumption is illegal if you are under 21. If I am supporting them, they will obey the law.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First get a grip on yourself.

Then . . .

Laugh. Ask how bad the hangover was. Give him your best "home remedy" for hangovers.

FFS

Wow, ( not op) are you always so flippant?. You don't care because he isn't your son. The dangers of alcohol are serious and while I would expect college students to experiment, I would hope they would not get blind drunk.

I wouldn't freak out but, I would be very concerned. If he is three hours away perhaps you can visit him and talk ( again) about the dangers of alcohol ( not only to himself..killing brain cells, damaging liver) but he could get into serious situations...tell him you don't expect him to abstain but you will expect him to not get drunk. Sure, he might hide the drinking but, then I wouldn't be giving him any extra money. If he wants beer money (for beer or pot) he will have to work to buy it himself.

Remind him you expect good grades and if they slip than you will do X ( that's up to you to decide what punishment will fit)

Good luck! We have alcoholism and mental health issues in both sides of our family and I would worry if he was trying to self medicate. (ADHD, bi-polar etc) if I were you.

+1

I didn't party my way through college, and it is my expectation that my kids won't, either.

Some of you people just sound like such puritans.

It's possible to go to class, study, get good grades, AND go out and have a few drinks 2-4x per week during college. I, and all my friends, are living proof of this. And yes, sometimes we all got pretty drunk. Not 4x per week, but it happened.

It's part of the normal social scene for many, many people in college. I am now in my 40s and still drink socially and also still have many of the wonderful friends I met in college. All have gone on to become productive, normal, non-drunk citizens.

GET A GRIP.

Um, okay. Except that it's totally illegal for a 19 year old to drink, but I understand some people don't like to abide by laws. I instilled in my children to live by the law, and the law is that alcohol consumption is illegal if you are under 21. If I am supporting them, they will obey the law.

So you never ever speed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First get a grip on yourself.

Then . . .

Laugh. Ask how bad the hangover was. Give him your best "home remedy" for hangovers.

FFS

Wow, ( not op) are you always so flippant?. You don't care because he isn't your son. The dangers of alcohol are serious and while I would expect college students to experiment, I would hope they would not get blind drunk.

I wouldn't freak out but, I would be very concerned. If he is three hours away perhaps you can visit him and talk ( again) about the dangers of alcohol ( not only to himself..killing brain cells, damaging liver) but he could get into serious situations...tell him you don't expect him to abstain but you will expect him to not get drunk. Sure, he might hide the drinking but, then I wouldn't be giving him any extra money. If he wants beer money (for beer or pot) he will have to work to buy it himself.

Remind him you expect good grades and if they slip than you will do X ( that's up to you to decide what punishment will fit)

Good luck! We have alcoholism and mental health issues in both sides of our family and I would worry if he was trying to self medicate. (ADHD, bi-polar etc) if I were you.

+1

I didn't party my way through college, and it is my expectation that my kids won't, either.

Some of you people just sound like such puritans.

It's possible to go to class, study, get good grades, AND go out and have a few drinks 2-4x per week during college. I, and all my friends, are living proof of this. And yes, sometimes we all got pretty drunk. Not 4x per week, but it happened.

It's part of the normal social scene for many, many people in college. I am now in my 40s and still drink socially and also still have many of the wonderful friends I met in college. All have gone on to become productive, normal, non-drunk citizens.

GET A GRIP.

Um, okay. Except that it's totally illegal for a 19 year old to drink, but I understand some people don't like to abide by laws. I instilled in my children to live by the law, and the law is that alcohol consumption is illegal if you are under 21. If I am supporting them, they will obey the law.

So your kids have the choice of either obeying the law and pretty much staying out of the whole party scene in college altogether OR they can go to the parties, have some beer and break the law in the process.

Some choice.

[Anonymous]

This is the land of the free. I have taught my kids to think for themselves. If my 20 year old decides to have a beer then so be it, law or no law. Stupid laws should not be obeyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the land of the free. I have taught my kids to think for themselves. If my 20 year old decides to have a beer then so be it, law or no law. Stupid laws should not be obeyed.

I believe that the law should be changed. It's oppressive to young adults and the penalties/consequences for disobeying it are disproportionately high for those who risk losing scholarships, getting kicked out of school, etc because of it.

[Anonymous]

He picked up the phone when you called? At least, that is a plus!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First get a grip on yourself.

Then . . .

Laugh. Ask how bad the hangover was. Give him your best "home remedy" for hangovers.

FFS

Wow, ( not op) are you always so flippant?. You don't care because he isn't your son. The dangers of alcohol are serious and while I would expect college students to experiment, I would hope they would not get blind drunk.

I wouldn't freak out but, I would be very concerned. If he is three hours away perhaps you can visit him and talk ( again) about the dangers of alcohol ( not only to himself..killing brain cells, damaging liver) but he could get into serious situations...tell him you don't expect him to abstain but you will expect him to not get drunk. Sure, he might hide the drinking but, then I wouldn't be giving him any extra money. If he wants beer money (for beer or pot) he will have to work to buy it himself.

Remind him you expect good grades and if they slip than you will do X ( that's up to you to decide what punishment will fit)

Good luck! We have alcoholism and mental health issues in both sides of our family and I would worry if he was trying to self medicate. (ADHD, bi-polar etc) if I were you.

+1

I didn't party my way through college, and it is my expectation that my kids won't, either.

Some of you people just sound like such puritans.

It's possible to go to class, study, get good grades, AND go out and have a few drinks 2-4x per week during college. I, and all my friends, are living proof of this. And yes, sometimes we all got pretty drunk. Not 4x per week, but it happened.

It's part of the normal social scene for many, many people in college. I am now in my 40s and still drink socially and also still have many of the wonderful friends I met in college. All have gone on to become productive, normal, non-drunk citizens.

GET A GRIP.

Um, okay. Except that it's totally illegal for a 19 year old to drink, but I understand some people don't like to abide by laws. I instilled in my children to live by the law, and the law is that alcohol consumption is illegal if you are under 21. If I am supporting them, they will obey the law.

So you never ever speed?

The speed limit applies to all legal drivers across the board - if you speed, you know you can get a ticket. The one exception would be emergency vehicles with flashing lights/sirens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Confront it and discuss calmly. Too flipped it is no good. But so is bury your head denial. Use your words. This is outside of your expectations on a school night no less.

This exactly. I would tell my child that I don't want him to drink. He should know what you expect of him, especially if you are paying his bills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened recently when I called my 70 year old mom.

Both my mom and your son need to learn not to answer the phone at such times. Let the call go to voicemail.

Difference is your 70 year old mom is legally able to drink alcohol. Your 19 year old son drinking alcohol is illegal.

If your mom gets "caught" with a beer in her hand, so what? If your 19 year old son gets caught with a beer in his dorm room....that could be a problem.

Yeah, there's that, but my mom said some fairly awful things to me and it has had an enormous impact on our relationship. One of the things you have to learn when you drink is to drink smart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened recently when I called my 70 year old mom.

Both my mom and your son need to learn not to answer the phone at such times. Let the call go to voicemail.

Difference is your 70 year old mom is legally able to drink alcohol. Your 19 year old son drinking alcohol is illegal.

If your mom gets "caught" with a beer in her hand, so what? If your 19 year old son gets caught with a beer in his dorm room....that could be a problem.

Yeah, there's that, but my mom said some fairly awful things to me and it has had an enormous impact on our relationship. One of the things you have to learn when you drink is to drink smart.

Sometimes you need to learn that you can hang up the phone, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same thing happened recently when I called my 70 year old mom.

Both my mom and your son need to learn not to answer the phone at such times. Let the call go to voicemail.

Difference is your 70 year old mom is legally able to drink alcohol. Your 19 year old son drinking alcohol is illegal.

If your mom gets "caught" with a beer in her hand, so what? If your 19 year old son gets caught with a beer in his dorm room....that could be a problem.

Yeah, there's that, but my mom said some fairly awful things to me and it has had an enormous impact on our relationship. One of the things you have to learn when you drink is to drink smart.

Sometimes you need to learn that you can hang up the phone, too.

Believe me. I did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the "flippant" poster.

So what?

You and the pp saying they would worry if their kid never got drunk are not normal. Sorry! But, the science is in and teens' brains do not mature until age 25. They are doing serious damage to their brain, liver, etc. and you should care. Sure, once isn't going to make someone an alcoholic but, you build up your tolerance for it and then you need more and more to get drunk.

Because you answered the way you did than your opinion is really meaningless and the op should ignore.

Well, when you send young, healthy adults to a university they are going to do what young, healthy adults do. And sometimes they will go to parties to socialize and there will be alcohol there. Not cake and ice cream, but alcohol. These are not HS teenagers being monitored by Mom and Dad anymore.

Infantalizing a 20 year old is more harmful - in my opinion - than allowing that kid to spread his wings, have fun, learn about life a little bit. Making it illegal for a HS grad to have a freakin' beer is ridiculous. Insisting that a person isn't really a grown up until they are 25 is sad to me.

Np here. ^pp must be a kid. Explaining health consequences is not infantilizing, he'll still make his own choices. And brain development ends at age 25, proven, has nothing to do with legal age. I think this ^one fried their brain cells already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the "flippant" poster.

So what?

You and the pp saying they would worry if their kid never got drunk are not normal. Sorry! But, the science is in and teens' brains do not mature until age 25. They are doing serious damage to their brain, liver, etc. and you should care. Sure, once isn't going to make someone an alcoholic but, you build up your tolerance for it and then you need more and more to get drunk.

Because you answered the way you did than your opinion is really meaningless and the op should ignore.

Well, when you send young, healthy adults to a university they are going to do what young, healthy adults do. And sometimes they will go to parties to socialize and there will be alcohol there. Not cake and ice cream, but alcohol. These are not HS teenagers being monitored by Mom and Dad anymore.

Infantalizing a 20 year old is more harmful - in my opinion - than allowing that kid to spread his wings, have fun, learn about life a little bit. Making it illegal for a HS grad to have a freakin' beer is ridiculous. Insisting that a person isn't really a grown up until they are 25 is sad to me.

Np here. ^pp must be a kid. Explaining health consequences is not infantilizing, he'll still make his own choices. And brain development ends at age 25, proven, has nothing to do with legal age. I think this ^one fried their brain cells already.

25 year old adults are not mentally children. Just because their brain development hasn't quite ended does not mean that they are not fully grown, functioning adults. Yes, they are still young and relatively inexperienced compared to, say, a 35 year old. But I can say the same thing about a 35 year old vs 55 year old.

We mature as we age. The average 18 year old is old enough to self monitor and make personal choices all by themselves. And the fact is, an 18 year old who wants to binge drink and drive drunk is already doing that. The law is not going to stop them.

[Anonymous]

Is he in a frat or at a major land grand university? My school had a program called STRIPES that was an around town shuttle and would pick up any student from any location in town and drive them home. The number was printed on the back of our student IDs. In lieu of that, we found a frat boy who could have one of their pledges or first years come get us - they weren't allowed to drink on their driving nights.

Drinking in college is it a big deal, but maybe this will make you feel better.