New boyfriend, has a child he never sees.

[Anonymous]

OMG! People are coming up with every reason in the world of unlikely rare scenarios as to why the guy IS paying $3500 a month, for one child, since infancy, who he hasn't seen in years. Go ahead and believe what you want to believe OP, you are getting a reality check here from people who know. What he is telling you is a lie. Believe it if you want to believe it, but you are willfully ignoring huge red flags.

I ignored a major red flag item of my then-fiance. Not even remotely NEAR what you are seeing here. One of those things where I was like wow, this is a great guy but he has some moral shortcomings? 20 years later, guess what he is? A dead beat dad. And in my heart, I had evidence he wasn't a good guy. I believed what I wanted to believe and I am paying the price.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

Op I am in a very similar situation and my advice to you is to RUN. I thought I could make my DH have a better relationship with his daughter and it didn't happen, people rarely change at his age. We are now divorcing bc he is not someone I want to have kids with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG! People are coming up with every reason in the world of unlikely rare scenarios as to why the guy IS paying $3500 a month, for one child, since infancy, who he hasn't seen in years. Go ahead and believe what you want to believe OP, you are getting a reality check here from people who know. What he is telling you is a lie. Believe it if you want to believe it, but you are willfully ignoring huge red flags.

I ignored a major red flag item of my then-fiance. Not even remotely NEAR what you are seeing here. One of those things where I was like wow, this is a great guy but he has some moral shortcomings? 20 years later, guess what he is? A dead beat dad. And in my heart, I had evidence he wasn't a good guy. I believed what I wanted to believe and I am paying the price.

It would be a pretty stupid thing to lie about since it's so easily verifiable. Which, is exactly why it's really not worth wasting a ton of bandwidth over because all OP has to do is ask to see the cancelled checks and she'll know. If he can show a few months worth of cancelled checks then that part is resolved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG! People are coming up with every reason in the world of unlikely rare scenarios as to why the guy IS paying $3500 a month, for one child, since infancy, who he hasn't seen in years. Go ahead and believe what you want to believe OP, you are getting a reality check here from people who know. What he is telling you is a lie. Believe it if you want to believe it, but you are willfully ignoring huge red flags.

I ignored a major red flag item of my then-fiance. Not even remotely NEAR what you are seeing here. One of those things where I was like wow, this is a great guy but he has some moral shortcomings? 20 years later, guess what he is? A dead beat dad. And in my heart, I had evidence he wasn't a good guy. I believed what I wanted to believe and I am paying the price.

It would be a pretty stupid thing to lie about since it's so easily verifiable. Which, is exactly why it's really not worth wasting a ton of bandwidth over because all OP has to do is ask to see the cancelled checks and she'll know. If he can show a few months worth of cancelled checks then that part is resolved.

It's really not verifiable. If he doesn't show her checks, she can't check anywhere else. And he can always say "We've only been dating 4 months, I don't feel comfortable discussing the ins and outs of child support and showing you my financials." After that her hands are tied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

He is there for you when things are going well. That's not a real relationship. How about when you get pregnant? How about when you get sick? Past behavior is a good indication of future behavior. Like a PP said, when someone shows who they really are, believe them.

What's the indication he wasn't there for the GF when she got pregnant? Seems they were together for years before she moved away.

Isn't that wonderful? Being a parent isn't something you do for a few years.

Duh

You genuinely believe that this guy would be a terrible father to a child he had with OP, were they to get married? He told her the story up front. Why on earth would that be the case?

The sanctimony on here is mind-blowing, especially considering how many of you are probably married to guys who barely see their kids anyway for working so much.

Very untrue. I'm married to a man whose ex wife moved back across the country to live with her parents. He had NEVER gone a day without speaking to his son and in the early years together when money was tighter we would still spend what we had to to get him back there for weekend visits, holidays, summers etc. NO EXCUSE for deadbeat parenting especially when money isn't an issue as $3500 in child support would suggest it's not.

Also an 11 year old is not in daycare so I'm not buying that that amount is inflated by daycare costs. He's lying.

Not the same. He was married to his ex, I assume lived with his son at one point, and didn't have a child as a result of a one night stand after being told she was on BC.

OP never said she was a one night stand. Her first post said this was a "new girlfriend." And look, the guy is going to minimize how bad he looks here, so he's probably going to say something like they were barely dating, didn't like each other, blah blah blah. Who knows how long they were actually together or how serious it was. The point is, he had a kid with this woman and then completely bailed on any aspect of actually raising/parenting said kid. And that is NOT a good indicator of character, period.

[Anonymous]

And might I just add how many women frequently post here about how their DH is a pretty terrible dad but of course they had no idea what a crappy dad he would be until the kids were actually here and showed his true colors and it was too late. This OP has the benefit of foresight in that she KNOWS this dude is a shitty dad. And has zero issues walking away from a kid and never looking back. That is not the kind of guy you want to want to have kids with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A OP here. I meant to add this.... And I'm NOT making excuses for him or anyone like him,.. But 21 year old guys are idiots. Still immature, still selfish, still scared. I can see how he immaturity would pave way to allowing that distance to build and build... Then all of a sudden that's the 'norm'. He has had 2 serious girlfriends before me, wondering if they were as concerned as me.

He's not 21 any more. He's 32 and should know better about the role he should be playing in his daughter's life. Run, don't walk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A OP here. I meant to add this.... And I'm NOT making excuses for him or anyone like him,.. But 21 year old guys are idiots. Still immature, still selfish, still scared. I can see how he immaturity would pave way to allowing that distance to build and build... Then all of a sudden that's the 'norm'. He has had 2 serious girlfriends before me, wondering if they were as concerned as me.

He's not 21 any more. He's 32 and should know better about the role he should be playing in his daughter's life. Run, don't walk.

Yeah. A 21 year old might blow off fatherhood. At some point, especially if you're intelligent enough to have a job that supposedly affords you the ability to pay $3500 a month in child support, you wise up and get your ass to California at least quarterly to establish a relationship with your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG! People are coming up with every reason in the world of unlikely rare scenarios as to why the guy IS paying $3500 a month, for one child, since infancy, who he hasn't seen in years. Go ahead and believe what you want to believe OP, you are getting a reality check here from people who know. What he is telling you is a lie. Believe it if you want to believe it, but you are willfully ignoring huge red flags.

I ignored a major red flag item of my then-fiance. Not even remotely NEAR what you are seeing here. One of those things where I was like wow, this is a great guy but he has some moral shortcomings? 20 years later, guess what he is? A dead beat dad. And in my heart, I had evidence he wasn't a good guy. I believed what I wanted to believe and I am paying the price.

It would be a pretty stupid thing to lie about since it's so easily verifiable. Which, is exactly why it's really not worth wasting a ton of bandwidth over because all OP has to do is ask to see the cancelled checks and she'll know. If he can show a few months worth of cancelled checks then that part is resolved.

It's really not verifiable. If he doesn't show her checks, she can't check anywhere else. And he can always say "We've only been dating 4 months, I don't feel comfortable discussing the ins and outs of child support and showing you my financials." After that her hands are tied.

He's already opened up to her about it. It's just a few checks so at that point I would feel comfortable concluding that he's lying. He doesn't have to give the checks to OP, he can print them out for her to look at and then take them back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

He is there for you when things are going well. That's not a real relationship. How about when you get pregnant? How about when you get sick? Past behavior is a good indication of future behavior. Like a PP said, when someone shows who they really are, believe them.

What's the indication he wasn't there for the GF when she got pregnant? Seems they were together for years before she moved away.

Isn't that wonderful? Being a parent isn't something you do for a few years.

Duh

You genuinely believe that this guy would be a terrible father to a child he had with OP, were they to get married? He told her the story up front. Why on earth would that be the case?

The sanctimony on here is mind-blowing, especially considering how many of you are probably married to guys who barely see their kids anyway for working so much.

Very untrue. I'm married to a man whose ex wife moved back across the country to live with her parents. He had NEVER gone a day without speaking to his son and in the early years together when money was tighter we would still spend what we had to to get him back there for weekend visits, holidays, summers etc. NO EXCUSE for deadbeat parenting especially when money isn't an issue as $3500 in child support would suggest it's not.

Also an 11 year old is not in daycare so I'm not buying that that amount is inflated by daycare costs. He's lying.

Not the same. He was married to his ex, I assume lived with his son at one point, and didn't have a child as a result of a one night stand after being told she was on BC.

OP never said she was a one night stand. Her first post said this was a "new girlfriend." And look, the guy is going to minimize how bad he looks here, so he's probably going to say something like they were barely dating, didn't like each other, blah blah blah. Who knows how long they were actually together or how serious it was. The point is, he had a kid with this woman and then completely bailed on any aspect of actually raising/parenting said kid. And that is NOT a good indicator of character, period.

He didn't bail... he was abandoned by the girl friend who took the kids and moved over 3000 miles away! Do you expect him to follow the ex gf around the reset of his life? was he supposed to uproot himself? Maybe the ex gf is a bad mother because she didn't stay close to the father.

[Anonymous]

Or maybe she moved because dad was a deadbeat and at least there she was near her sister. She moved and he never bothered to visit there's no excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A OP here. I meant to add this.... And I'm NOT making excuses for him or anyone like him,.. But 21 year old guys are idiots.

No excuse. He's 32 now.

[Anonymous]

My initial take is I felt sorry for the guy. I'd give him a chance.

[Anonymous]

I see the MRAs are out in full force.

The man doesn't want a relationship with his child..

That's very evident in the actions he's taking now.

He feels like by telling OP his story and mentioning that he pays alot of money he's thinking he's bought himself some points.

Move on OP.

There are better fish in the sea.

[Anonymous]

Fwiw my husband was paying $2,500 a month child support based on things like private school and day care. Those circumstances changed as the kids aged, but he never filed for a reduction because he didn't want the kids to think he was taking money away from them. $3,500 is a crazy huge amount for one kid. But it might be true. I'd verify for sure. But I can easily see not reducing it.