New boyfriend, has a child he never sees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a guy doesnt want a kid but the gal insists on having it, then its her burden. Especially if she moves across the county. What is this guy supposed to do?

Pretty much. If the girl doesn't want it she can abort or adopt and there's no judgment but if a guy doesn't want it and chooses to not be involved (albeit paying support because the rest of us taxpayers shouldn't have to shoulder the burden) then he's evil incarnate. Nuts.

+1 If a guy got on DCUM and said he just found out his girlfriend got pregnant when she was 20 and put the baby up for adoption, no one would tell him to dump her, that they "can't imagine having a child and not caring for it!" They would all say she was young, made a mistake, but made sure the child had a good home.

I don't see any difference with OP's BF. His girlfriend got pregnant but kept the baby. He tried to be involved, but she moved away. He's always paid child support, and now it sounds like the child has a family (mother and step dad). So what's the problem?

I agree. While I find it hard to believe that he pays so much in child support and that would raise red flags for me, I can't get up in arms that he doesn't have a relationship with his bio-daughter.

Either he is lying or paying it. It could be because he has a high income, he agreed to it or its also including back child support he failed to pay years before. I find that amount very high in less he's making $200,000+.

What are you talking about? That is NOTHING in child support!!!!

You are crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If a guy doesnt want a kid but the gal insists on having it, then its her burden. Especially if she moves across the county. What is this guy supposed to do?

Pretty much. If the girl doesn't want it she can abort or adopt and there's no judgment but if a guy doesn't want it and chooses to not be involved (albeit paying support because the rest of us taxpayers shouldn't have to shoulder the burden) then he's evil incarnate. Nuts.

+1 If a guy got on DCUM and said he just found out his girlfriend got pregnant when she was 20 and put the baby up for adoption, no one would tell him to dump her, that they "can't imagine having a child and not caring for it!" They would all say she was young, made a mistake, but made sure the child had a good home.

I don't see any difference with OP's BF. His girlfriend got pregnant but kept the baby. He tried to be involved, but she moved away. He's always paid child support, and now it sounds like the child has a family (mother and step dad). So what's the problem?

I agree. While I find it hard to believe that he pays so much in child support and that would raise red flags for me, I can't get up in arms that he doesn't have a relationship with his bio-daughter.

Either he is lying or paying it. It could be because he has a high income, he agreed to it or its also including back child support he failed to pay years before. I find that amount very high in less he's making $200,000+.

What are you talking about? That is NOTHING in child support!!!!

You are crazy.

You clearly know nothing about child support, court-mandated or otherwise. You probably think the $3,500 is an annual figure not monthly which OP said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 29, female. Have been dating a 32 year old man for 4 months, so it is still very new but given our ages and frequency of seeing each other, it's starting to get serious.
He disclosed to me at the very beginning that he has an 11 year old daughter that lives in California with her mother. I didn't ask too many questions at first, but as time goes on, I feel more comfortable sort of 'getting the whole story' without being nosey.
He was 21, new gf 'messed up' birth control. Gets pregnant. He is young and not expecting this.
He is in the babies life for the first couple years, but not together with the gf anymore, so his visits with the baby were merely visits. After those first two years, she moves to California with the baby to be closer to her sister.

He has been out there once. They come here about once every other year. So he never sees his daughter, never talks to her. She knows about her dad and who her dad is. I think they skype twice a year. He has contributed financially but that's it (has sent them $3.5k/ month since infancy). He describes it as.... Not wanting to interject into their lives. He wasn't 'with' the mom anymore and at the age of 23 was not about to move his entire life to California to sort of 'be there' when they were already starting a new family unit. I get that.

But, I'm just not sure what to think of this. Naive me is thinking 'WTF, that's your daughter..' And that this is a huge red flag. But mature me understands that not everything is black and white and there's lots of dynamics that I don't understand. Part of me thinks he's being lazy - he kind of shrugs it off and almost acts like he's doing her a favor by not putting too much effort in seeing her. I see this as a red flag. What kind of husband and father would he be now? The other part of me knows that people grow and change and improve and I obviously can't make any assumptions, I don't know him THAT well yet.

Any words of wisdom?

High lighted for all the people who want to make the mother out to be some maniacal person.

[Anonymous]

I would never date someone like that. That poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The mother is remarried and new baby (so new sibling for daughter).
He says the daughter knows he will always be here for her, that he has made that clear. That he would drop everything for her if needed/wanted. He says he doesn't want to disrupt their life and 'force' a relationship.

His 11 year old daughter does not believe that at all.

How could she? He's proven the exact opposite. He should do her a favor and sign over his rights so her stepdad( her actual father) can adopt her.

He's saying that for your benefit because he sees you for the fool that you are. No one is buying that you are torn over this. You are 29 and have convinced yourself you need to be married by 30 so you can start having kids and are clearly willing to make sure that happens and it doesn't matter who with. You will live to regret this if you go down this road. You will be asking yourself what I was thinking only then you'll have a kid or two.

You can and should do better OP, but you won't and that is sad.

[Anonymous]

There are at least two sides. Here are the facts:

1) Baby born
2) Mother moved away
3) Father has had minimal contact since then

Here are additional claims:

1) Father claims to have been involved before the mother moved (I have no reason to question this claim either way)
2) Father is paying 3500 in child support (that seems unrealistically high)

Everything else is people blathering back and forth.

What I know, though, is the mother moved to CA making it difficult for father to see child. (In my divorce proceedings, my wife could move from VA, but would lose her alimony if she did -- which is about 6K per month (28% of my gross salary). Child support would continue, and it is about 1100/mo., reduced from higher because I get credit for her health insurance).

I see my daughter 3 nights a week and every other weekend. My apartment is actually closer to her school than our house.

To me, the bottom line is: someone was a schmuck: either the mom for moving away from an involved father, or the father for not being involved.

Even after the move, the father could plan vacations around seeing the kid. That is what I do (even though we are local).

For me, this would be a huge red flag.

[Anonymous]

My child support is $3,500 per year. $3,500/month sounds like bs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child support is $3,500 per year. $3,500/month sounds like bs.

That seems pathetically low to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child support is $3,500 per year. $3,500/month sounds like bs.

That seems pathetically low to me.

We don't earn $250K per year like so many on DCUMs. It's for one child too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child support is $3,500 per year. $3,500/month sounds like bs.

That seems pathetically low to me.

We don't earn $250K per year like so many on DCUMs. It's for one child too.

Even still contributing roughly $290 a month for your child is nothing.

[Anonymous]

It took till page 8 for someone to bring up the potential job this guy has, but the OP has yet to address anything past the first page or two.

I don't buy the $3,500 figure either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It took till page 8 for someone to bring up the potential job this guy has, but the OP has yet to address anything past the first page or two.

I don't buy the $3,500 figure either.

I don't blame her. I think she posted this on the hope that someone would be like "oh yeah this happens all the time, he sounds fine" and basically got unanimous commentary about how bad he sounds and how he's probably lying about the CS. You just don't come back for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child support is $3,500 per year. $3,500/month sounds like bs.

That seems pathetically low to me.

We don't earn $250K per year like so many on DCUMs. It's for one child too.

Even still contributing roughly $290 a month for your child is nothing.

$325/month is a lot when you only make around $25K per year. Child support is based on the NCP's income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child support is $3,500 per year. $3,500/month sounds like bs.

That seems pathetically low to me.

We don't earn $250K per year like so many on DCUMs. It's for one child too.

Even still contributing roughly $290 a month for your child is nothing.

$325/month is a lot when you only make around $25K per year. Child support is based on the NCP's income.

$25k a year? People making $12/hour should not be having kids they can't afford.

[Anonymous]

Op, When I met my husband he had a daughter whose Mom gave him an awful time. She called the police on him every chance she got. Reported him for child abuse every time they fought. Slashed his tires each time she saw him with his then girlfriend. She refused to let him see his daughter unless he slept with her. She also went to every job he had and caused such a ruckus that he would end up getting fired. The stories were horrible. Anyway I didn't believe everything until one day when we were all talking and he called her out on everything she had done to him. She admitted it and said "I used to be crazy then." The day we got engaged she started "being Crazy" again and my husband stopped seeing his daughter and in turn stopped talking to the mother. We have 2 children and he is an amazing dad to them. I couldn't ask for more from him as a dad and our children prefer him over me any day. I am African American myself and I will tell you more men will be in their children's lives if the mothers didn't make it so difficult for them.