New boyfriend, has a child he never sees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

You have the mindset of a victim of abuse and a codependent. It is not your job to fix him or his relationships. He doesn't need you for an "epiphany". This is the petson he has chosen to be. Your only choice is whether to accept him as he is.

There are many good men out there who also meet their responsibilities to their kids.

This is classic user behavior, trying to put a good spin on something that is really mot OK and making you feel like you are "not understanding."

You ask "what can I do?". Well the obvious answer is to break up with him. That is entirely in your control.

[Anonymous]

Re: the 3.5k CS payments. Does he come from as wealthy background? I wonder if his parents were paying that. Very high for a 21 yo to be paying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

I think you know you need to ditch this guy, but keep trying to rationalize that he'll be "different" with you.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I can't believe how many people don't know the meaning of 'deadbeat' dad. If this guy is paying child support, he is not a deadbeat. If his wages are being garnished rather than him voluntarily paying support, you can call him a 'deadbeat'. He is undeniably 'absent'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. I can't believe how many people don't know the meaning of 'deadbeat' dad. If this guy is paying child support, he is not a deadbeat. If his wages are being garnished rather than him voluntarily paying support, you can call him a 'deadbeat'. He is undeniably 'absent'.

I am 100% sure that absent = deadbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

I think you know you need to ditch this guy, but keep trying to rationalize that he'll be "different" with you.

Even if he is "different"

I would not want to tell my kids about their half sibling they never see because dad really couldn't be bothered.


Do better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I mean, what can I do?
He's a sweetheart, a good man to me, gentle, understanding, emotionally available, 'there' for me.. Etc etc. Shows no other bad qualities.
But this isn't okay with me, it's not something that will go away. I will continue to think about it and continue to let it bother me.
I can attempt a last ditch effort... Voice my concerns on the off chance it'll create some sort of epiphany in his mind and he tries to repair and evolve the relationship?

I think you know you need to ditch this guy, but keep trying to rationalize that he'll be "different" with you.

Even if he is "different"

I would not want to tell my kids about their half sibling they never see because dad really couldn't be bothered.


Do better.

Great point. Sorry, OP. I know you want a different answer but you really should end this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My initial take is I felt sorry for the guy. I'd give him a chance.

I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, he doesn't send 3500. I have two children and a mid-forties "C suite executive" ex husband who doesn't even pay that. A 22 year old wasn't sending 3500. He probably sends exactly nothing because he doesn't know a ballpark CS figure if he's throwing out $3500. I know another woman with 5 children and an ex who makes 500K+ and she receives less than that from her very generous ex spouse.

I'd run far and fast. Nothing, and I mean nothing, demonstrates bad character than an absentee father. Please, please get yourself away from this man.

This. Maybe it was $3500 a year, which matches what I received in CS for 17 years for my older child (born when we were in our early 20s).

[Anonymous]

My husband had a baby at 18; was with her every step of the way. At the time he didn't have "much" to offer - but time.And that's what he started out with - giving time. As he grew, he contributed financially, early in her childhood needed to take full custody. Ultimately he shouldered the entire financial and parenting challenge. It would have been better to do in partnership with mom, but that wasn't what was possible.

I considered his parenting history early in our dating relationship as a strong testimony of his character.

[Anonymous]

The child support figure seems bogus. Is this guy an investment banker or equity law partner? My ex makes $150,000 a year and the state of Maryland says he owes me $1,500 a month (I work too, so that factors into the formula). (Not that he's paid me much of it, he's a deadbeat dad in the financial sense, but that's a different thread.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband had a baby at 18; was with her every step of the way. At the time he didn't have "much" to offer - but time.And that's what he started out with - giving time. As he grew, he contributed financially, early in her childhood needed to take full custody. Ultimately he shouldered the entire financial and parenting challenge. It would have been better to do in partnership with mom, but that wasn't what was possible.

I considered his parenting history early in our dating relationship as a strong testimony of his character.

He does seem like a good guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My initial take is I felt sorry for the guy. I'd give him a chance.

I agree.

What's to feel sorry about? Tell us why you think he deserves any sympathy? I feel sorry for his daughter, who doesn't know her dad because he can't be bothered to get his butt out to California.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scumbag

so the mother moves across the country with the child and the father is the "scumbag".... Why? The mother put major distance between the father and the child.

The father woudo have allowed this to happen or else was deemed not fit to have custody.

This is totally false since they weren't married.

You don't have to be married to file for a modification of custody because your former partner wants to move the child across the country. He could have sued for all summer and every major holiday. If he had, maybe the mom would have stayed. I know many women who won't move simply because they are afraid for their kids to be with the ex for 2 months straight.

[Anonymous]

OP, does he have any legal rights to this child? Is he listed as the child's father on the birth certificate? Is there a court order re child support, custody, visitation, etc.? I would assume so if he is really paying $3500/mo child support...